Haley Barbour Will Buy the Republican Party, With Money

Oh, sad face, did you know that the Republican National Committee, which solely exists to raise money for Republican candidates, has no money? It had money at one point, we suppose, but somehow it let it all slip through its fingers, or maybe nobody was giving new money to it because Republicans don't like giving money to black people like Michael Steele. Remember, even for the committee's core expenditures, like lesbian bondage clubs, they needed some donor to front them the money, which they promised to totally pay back! Does this mean that the Republicans will lose big in November, because they have no money? Probably not!

 The Politico , a trade publication for the chartered accountant industry, has a fun "follow the money" story about how state Republican parties will fund their inevitable 2010 victories. Well, at first it seems like it will be fun, because it contains factoids like this:

"I understood that the lack of resources from the RNC was going to have a severe impact on what the parties were going to be able to do," said Tom Whatman, a former Ohio state party executive director

...

In the 2008 election cycle, Ohio alone received $5 million from the RNC for its voter turnout operation, according to the Federal Election Commission. In the 2006 midterm elections, it received $4 million. As of early September, the Buckeye State has received less than $500,000 from the RNC, according to FEC and RNC records and officials.

Similar steep reductions in aid are on track for other major swing states, including Pennsylvania, where the party is hoping to capture the governorship, multiple House seats, and control of the state legislature.

"We have so many candidates running in competitive races. We need more funds than even in a normal year. We are hoping that having the wind at our back will help overcome the financial shortfall we will have," said Mike Barley, a spokesman for the Republican Party of Pennsylvania. "There are so many people with their hands out."

The vision of aimless Republican hobos wandering about begging for change is a pleasing one, but the article then bogs down into stories about all the independent organizations that have sprung up to do Michael Steele's job for him, which will lead to those hobos buying solid gold campaign offices.

One group that looms in the background is the newly Fox-funded Republican Governors Association! They have so much money that they're just cold givin' it away to people who don't even need money, like millionaire Florida gubernatorial candidate Rick Scott.   Kaplan Test Prep News Outlet and Analogy Factory scribe Christ Cillizza says the RGA is "doubling down -- literally -- on its investment in Florida" by giving $4 million, despite a total lack of evidence that any delicious chicken-fat sandwiches were involved in the transaction.

Anyway, the RGA is run by hilariously corpulent and corrupt ex-lobbyist and Mississippi governor Haley Barbour, and Republicans love money, so probably he'll be nominated for president in 2012. At least Barbour has proved conclusively that Southern Republicans were at the forefront of the civil rights movement, making him worthy to be our second black president. [ Politico / WP / Salon ]