terrorism: sharks vs. jets

Which Political Side Attacked Discovery Channel?

Finally, now that everyone is safe, we can make the joke that this guy is probably a terrorist shark that is mad that sharks don't see any money from Their Week. THERE. (Also this is the building in question.)BREAKING NEWS: That crazy guy who was maybe strapped with a bomb and took hostages in the Discovery Channel headquarters in Silver Spring was shot (UPDATE: and killed) and all the hostages are safe. Hooray! His name is James Lee, and he protested there a lot, and one time he threw thousands of dollars in the air there, and then a judge told him he couldn’t go near there ever again. But more importantly, people found his website, which is now down and which had a hilarious list of demands and beliefs. Naturally, while this scary thing was going on, liberals and conservatives did the only thing they could do: tell people this crazy armed guy is a conservative and a liberal, respectively.

Because isn’t that what America needs — more politics? Each and every criminal and/or terrorist in the news should immediately be branded as a liberal or a conservative so we know which side is CRAZY AND WANTS TO KILL US ALL.

While this man was sticking his weapons in innocent hostages’ faces, the libtards at ThinkProgress were quick to tell us that THIS MAN IS AN ANCHOR-BABY CONSERVATIVE:

Lee’s immigration screed bears a troubling resemblance to views and policies espoused by anti-immigrant groups such as NumbersUSA, the Center for Immigration Studies (CIS), the Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR), Progressives for Immigration Reform, and others.

It’s not a coincidence that many of these are amongst the same groups that have always supported changing the 14th amendment to deny “anchor babies,” or the American-born children of undocumented immigrants, citizenship — long before the debate entered the political mainstream this summer.

While this man was sticking his weapons in innocent hostages’ faces, the conservatards at Breitbart’s BigHollywood were quick to tell us that THIS MAN IS AN AL GORE ENVIRONMENTALIST LIBERAL:

Lee said he experienced an ‘‘awakening” when he watched former Vice President Al Gore’s environmental documentary ‘‘An Inconvenient Truth.”

Apparently, the man is named James Lee, an environmental activist and longtime antagonist of the Discovery Channel over their lack “of real shows that actually work to save the planet.”

Who’s to blame for all this stupidity? Squirrels, of course. [WP/ThinkProgress/BigHollywood]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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