values voters

Did You ‘Restore Honor’ (Have Secret Gay Sex) at GlennBeckPalooza?

George Washington was here.Four score and seven years ago, our Founding Fathers created Craigslist so that horny wingnut dudes could hook up for spontaneous sexual encounters in the nation’s capital, while Defending Liberty. And over the weekend, some patriots acknowledged the Fathers’ hard work and ingenuity, and used Craigslist to try and Restore each others’ Honor with their penises. Let’s learn about marketing!

We start things off with our photo model, who was willing to “blow anyone who needs” what he calls “head,” whatever that means. Color somebody distracted — didn’t this soldier have a culture war to fight? Yes, but a man has needs. He chose to meet his suitors in a “dark portajohn,” which means he must be a writer of historical romance novels:

Because we are having “technical difficulties” that are making it impossible to reproduce some of these ads in any readable manner, here’s the text:

Sitting on grass waiting for restoring honor rally. Want to do my patriotic duty and blow anyone who needs head. In dark portajohn or in dark area of the park. I’m 34 years old 6’3 tall and 240lbs. Stocky build. This Ad is good until sunrise.

This fellow invited Beckians of the “masculine, discreet stud” variety to have some “masc discreet fun.” Studs? At the BeckaPalooza? This guy’s either very optimistic or has no idea what the Tea Party is all about. He is probably disappointed today. Somebody go and hot this guy up, for America’s Honor:

This “145 pounds of lithe, conservative muscle” sought fellow travelers to attend the “historic” rally and also play “Find the Repealed Amendment”:

Fake.

The text, plz:

Hello DC! I’m here for the Glenn Beck rally tomorrow. Looking for fellow travelers to have some fun this weekend and go to the rally at the Lincoln Memorial Saturday. It’s going to be historic! 30 years old, 5’10″ and 145 pounds of lithe, conservative muscle.

This guy knows that Glenn Beck rally types don’t REALLY care about politics. “Come get what you REALLY came to DC for” — the opportunity to “bend over and take it.” His preference is “tight, white, and conservative.” Well, he might find two out of three:

Yuck?

The cuneiform, deciphered:

In town for the Tea Party rally? Then come get what you REALLY came to DC for….. lean, athletic all American hung to ready to prep you for tomorrow’s rally. You can bend over and thank God! Safe only. Anon ok- DADT. Prefer tight, white, and conservative. Let’s make this weekend one you will remember!

Obama sucks! But so does this guy, probably, if you’re not a DemoRat or idiot-lib:

Sometimes, “hang out” means “make out”:

BONUS: This guy wasn’t looking for gay sex, but some hot mama-grizzly action. But you had to put “Sarah Likes It” in the subject line. He wanted to arrange it with the husband, though … probably hasn’t read Going Rogue: A Feminist Manifesto yet:

The text:

Conservative women like black cock too. How hot would it be to have her banged by I hot black guy before the rally? Nobody would ever know. Very discrete. Clean, D/D free. Fit, hung, will respect all boundaries. Let’s play. Very real here. Please put “Sarah Likes It” in the subject so I know you’re real. Can share pics and contact info.

We’ll never know if any of these attempted connections were successful. But hopefully, whatever took place did not involve a Jazzy power chair. Also hopefully, Ken Mehlman responded to one of these ads. [Craigs List; thanks to tipsters "Planet Wingnuttia" and BK, who were both cruising CL for "masc discreet Studebakers."]

About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple
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