Oh, hey, did Levi Johnston do something to get his handsome but incipiently doughy face on TV again? Apparently! Or, at least, he said something noteworthy once he conned his way onto the CBS Early Show (though how hard could that have been, those people are desperate for stuff to put on the air and you can’t have a bear with its head stuck in a jar every day of the week, can you?). We suppose he got on CBS by being, as the chyron in the picture indicates, a “reality star,” which is better than being a movie star because movies are only movies whereas reality is real life, man. Anyway, Levi does not have a jar stuck on his head, but does have some less-than-complimentary things to say about his ex-future-mother-in-law, again.
Does Levi even know what the word “regret” means? Can he even form the word with his mouth? Thanks to years of speech therapy, he can, but he doesn’t like it.
I don’t really regret anything. But the only thing I wish I wouldn’t have done is put out that apology, ’cause it kind of makes me sound like a liar. And I’ve never lied about anything. So that’s probably the only thing.
What apology is this? Oh, it’s the one that Levi came out with right around the time he and Bristol briefly got re-engaged, where he took back all the mean stuff he ever said about Sarah Palin (i.e., literally every word he said or wrote in 2009 and the first seven months of 2010). Levi says that the apology was written by Bristol and sent out to the magazines, which he signed off on because “trust me, it’s easier to make [the Palins] happy … If you gotta live with them, you gotta make them happy.” Ha ha, it sounds so terrifying! You can see the fear in his eyes!
If you’ve never actually heard Levi speak, you really ought to watch the clip on the CBS site, as he comes off as even dumber than you probably already think he is. Still, the lad has a certain native profundity to him. At one point, when asked about his lust for fame, he says this of his former betrothed, now a star of reality in her own right: “I don’t think I’m any more obsessed with making a career out of this than she is.” One is left to contemplate the entire nexus of banal horror and empire-in-decline encompassed within that single deictic pronoun, “this.” [CBS]
{ 49 comments }
Haha, he freely admits that he’s a famewhore.
It’s probably physically impossible to more obsessed with making a career out of “this” than Sarah and Bristol are.
The inevitable next step for Levi, as with all “reality stars,” is to get pelted in the face with juggalo feces. It’s the only way they learn the true meaning of “regret.”
Does Levi even know what the word regret means?
How could he when he hasn’t married into the Palin family?
Josh. You are a very funny and adept writer of political satire. Thanks for the laughs today.
Dearest Levi,
Dish, or gtfo.
Eternally yours,
Roscoe
Still, the lad has a certain native profundity to him.
I think the word your looking for here is fecundity, not profundity.
As a matter of fact, I’m sure of it.
[re=647094]Zadig[/re]: [re=647097]JMP[/re]: Yes, as far as non-denials go, that one is the non-est one I’ve heard in, like, ever.
You might think he’d regret the Playgirl shoot and showing the whole world his pencil dick.
“And I’ve never lied about anything.” This is only true because no journalist has had the balls to ask Levi to his face if Trig isn’t really his son. But I’m still hoping.
[re=647098]CapnFatback[/re]: He should get up to speak at the Beckaloo rally this weekend; he’d get the full shit and piss treatment from that crowd. As would Michael Steele.
Also, Josh: this word nerd has gone far too many years without knowing the definition of, or even the existence of, the word “deictic.”
Thanks!
This thing of theirs. Now he’s a capo in the Cretin Nostra.
He’s like an Alaskan Ana Nicole Smith riding nothing more than his notorious lovemaking into the public arena. Excuse me, gotta go vomit in public arena.
Daddy? Yes, son… What does regret mean? Well son, the funny thing about regret is that it’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something that you haven’t done.
And by the way, if you see your mother this weekend, be sure and tell her I said…
[re=647097]JMP[/re]: What other career options have those two got? “Professional meth-head” pays poorly and the benefits suck…
a real man never puts out. i thought he knew this.
though i’m guessing he doesn’t know how long “never” is.
[re=647101]tencentcomic[/re]: Aw, you are nice, thank you! See, who said blog commentors are mean.
Incipiently? Chyron? Profundity? Betrothed? Deictic?
You sir, are a modern day Thomas Pynchon.
“Levi does not have a jar stuck on his head”
Let’s not rush to judgment on this. It could be a jar with Levi’s face painted on it with a high degree of naturalistic verisimilitude.
“If you’ve never actually heard Levi speak, you really ought to watch the clip on the CBS site, as he comes off as even dumber than you probably already think he is.”
I dunno, I’ve always pictured him as male porn-star dumb (straight-male porn star dumb, which, BTW, is way dumber than gay porn star dumb). Will have to watch the clip when I get home (beacuse it’s blocked at work).
[re=647124]Autochthon[/re]: Normally, but this is socialist Alaska where they hand out government checks to everyone just for living in that frozen wasteland. And when your dealer is your mom she probably gives a nice discount.
Jesus H. Christ already Levi. Just spill the beans on the Quitter Queen.
You’ve already turned down one multi-million dollar tell all book deal. What’s it going to take? A 6-month’s supply of moose jerky and whale blubber?
Who?
[re=647097]JMP[/re]: but what about rubbery diseased lampray tila tequila, I ask you?
I’d like to retract my earlier statements in order to make room for more!
[re=647149]get real[/re]:
Yeah, and he probably lost his visitation rights to the kid after this interview, so dish!
“trust me, it’s easier to make [the Palins] happy … If you gotta live with them, you gotta make them happy.”
Or what? Sarah wishes you away to the corn field?
And now Mr. Serling:
No comment here, no comment at all. We only wanted to introduce you to one of our very special citizens, little Sarah Palin, apparently still age 6, who lives in a village called Wasilla in a place that used to be Alaska. And if by some strange chance you should run across her, you had best think only good thoughts. Anything less than that is handled at your own risk, because if you do meet Sarah you can be sure of one thing: you have entered the Narcissist Zone.
[re=647177]Terry[/re]: Hrm, I dunno. Non-disparagement clauses are often sort of hard to enforce, especially if you’re careful about how you TOTALLY DON’T say mean things. See Conan O’Brien being very snide and snarky and hilarious in the wake of his network break-up.
I’m not saying that Levi won’t eventually get his visitation rights revoked, because he’s dumb and impulsive. But you’d have a hard time getting the judge to find against him based on that interview.
The management hired to handle Levi after this retraction, wish it to be known that those responsible for the previous retraction have been sacked.
This retraction has been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.
[re=647107]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “Dish?” Is that you, Andrew Sullivan?!
The Palins are imploding, and you’re still off beard farming in the buff with your obese bassett hounds on some shitty, condom-strewn dock in P-Town? Really?!
GET OFF YOUR FRONT AND BACK TO DISHING, ANDREW “ROSCOE” SULLIVAN! LEVI NEEDS YOU!
[re=647119]edgydrifter[/re]: Best coinage of the day!
[re=647149]get real[/re]: I suspect he’s gambling on a Palin presidential run at which point a tell-all would be an even bigger bombshell.
“If you’ve never actually heard Levi speak, you really ought to watch the clip on the CBS site, as he comes off as even dumber than you probably already think he is.”
Levi isn’t nearly as dumb as the TV producers who keep putting him and the entire Palin fame whore clan on the air.
Bristol saying that Levi is obsessed with the limelight? Really?
LEVI JOHNSTON:don’t RETRACT…RELOAD! (Stops cumming bc Bristol 3rd base.rights ceased 2exist thx 2blactivists trying 2wrek her”isn’t American,not fair”) REFUDIATE UR REFRACTION!!
7:44 AM Aug 27th via Twatter for DingleBerry®
SarahPalinUSA
[re=647127]Sharkey[/re]: yeah, I couldn’t make sense of Gravity’s Rainbow either.
The scourge of reality TV strikes again and again.
Most of it reminds me of Arena Football-stupid idea that is going to get someone killed.
[re=647123]bago[/re]: SATAN!!1!
Levi will make his mark in American society as the host of Ow! My Balls!
[re=647178]steverino247[/re]: There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as celebrity and as timeless as hubris. It is the
middle ground between ignorance and delusion, between insolence and
courtesanship, and it lies between the pit of man’s wife beater and the
summit of his hair piece. This is the dimension of notoriety. It is
an area which we call The Narcissist Zone.
[re=647249]Extemporanus[/re]:
That post is more articulate than anything to come out of Wasilla, AK in the past two years.
[re=647364]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Very well done! Have a great weekend watching The Twilight Zone Marathon wherever it is playing.
[re=647283]TimeCubist[/re]: Damn right!
[re=647107]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: yeah…cause when he showed tits he really should have GTFO…flat ass for dayz
When the hell is this guy going to come clean about boning Sarah and, more important, describing those brown-nippled areolas in deictic detail?
What? Like I’m the only one who wants to know this?
I retract my apology in advance.
When the hell is this guy going to come clean about boning Sarah and, more important, describing those brown-nippled areolas?
What? Like I’m the only one who wants to know this?
I retract my apology in advance.
[re=647128]Norbert[/re]: And, we’re not entirely certain which head.
[re=647166]NYNYNY[/re]: And I juggl you. Whatever.
He needs to write the tell-all about his Moose-In-Law to be, now, not to be. The whole shizzle. The padding about the house in a tee shirt and giant bee-hive, the crying jags, the amnesia about how many kids she had. That’s the way out of this 20 year old’s predicament.
Comments on this entry are closed.