Alaska’s First Family, the Palin-Johnstons, are at it again today with the expected news that Bristol Palin will perform on a reality teevee show. Were you hoping for Jersey Shore IV: Wasilla Dumpster Behind the Tattoo Parlor? Patience. For now, it’s Dancing With the Stars, ABC’s inexplicable hit from the 1990s about D-list media losers dancing very badly with professional escorts. Everything about the Palins is simultaneously shocking and totally expected.
This is the part of the Wonkette post when we would generally insert a paragraph from a banal news article that sort of states the gist of it, both to save ourselves the trouble and to showcase the “skill set” of America’s Internet Journalist Class.
But today, we are just going to say Bristol will drag out her absurd notoriety for another few months, and that porn spread you’re all waiting for is at least a few more months in the distance. But it’s still not that far away, and there’s still a very high likelihood the porn shoot in question will feature Levi taking her from behind, because she’s pregnant again. [Just Google It, C'mon]
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The shitstorm that follows whenever Bristol inevitably gets kicked off during Week 2 will be Sarah Palin’s Reichstag fire, mark my words.
If there’s any consolation it’s that Bristol can’t possibly be as bad a dancer while thinking as highly of her dancing as Tom Delay was/did. Oh, another consolation is that that program is basically the inflatable emergency slide to obscurity — just ask whatsername. Oh, and a third consolation is that I will never watch that fucking show. So really, this is good news all around.
I was just wondering whether or not I should throw my TV out the window. Thanks for making the decision easier.
You just know she’s going to get pregnant from her partner…
But it’s wrong to make fun of Bristol because she’s just a kid, not a public figure.
Ken just wanted Tucker all to himself.
[re=646516]JMP[/re]: hahahahah. They’ll still be saying that when President Trigg takes office.
If she’s pregnant again, won’t she be kind of fat for the filming of this travesty against the performing arts?
It’s just like I tell the 15 year old girls I “mentor”: there are no negative consequences to having sex without a condom. Also if you get fat no man will ever love you.
Her third child will fall out while she’s dancing.
All these vapid, ditzy talentless spawn–Ben Quayle, that “model” daughter of the slutty Jersey housewife, Bristol, Meahgahan McCain, etc.
They actually make the last generation of talentless spawn look pretty good, like Ron Reagan, who actually speaks in sentences and I think was fairly credible as a ballet dancer.
Bristol Verse the Hoff?
Gag.
Dancing with the never-wases.
Originally, Kirstie Alley was rumored to be on this year as well. Apparently she dropped out after she realized she misread the name of the show as “Dining with the Stars”.
Didn’t Walnuts and the grifterbilly pillory Obama for being a celebrity? Even invoking Paris Hilton in one fit of an ugly attempt at humor? Well, who’s dancing with the “stars” now my friends? Hint..not even Paris Hilton, yet, anyway.
o/~ dancing with the knocked up…dancing with the knocked up o/~
and i thought she broke up with that levi fellow who has no ass by the way…because he’s an attention whore?
I hope she doesn’t do anything to bring disgrace to the ‘Palin’ name.
Does this “dancing contest” involve a stripper pole, pasties and 60 year old men eager to stuff dollar bills in her panties? If so, she is perfect.
When I get my time machine completed (an important piece is on backorder, which is ironic) I promise all of you that I will set the temporal date knob to February 11, 1964 (plus 9 months) and set off to Sandpoint, Idaho. Then, I will track down Charles “Chuck” Heath and kick him hard, really, really hard in the nutz.
Then we will have never heard of Sarah and the brood.
I’d time dance back to Walnuts birth but I don’t think my time machine can go that far back.
Any other suggestions while en route?
All I want for my birthday next week is for the Hoff to sire Bristol’s next retarded love child. Back stage. While sweating on her and forgetting her name… I should go…
Gad, that picture! But on second thought, it’s making me totally rethink the giant puppet I’m going to bring to my next Code Pink demonstration.
And the money kept rolling in from every side
Bristol’s pretty hands reached out and they reached wide
Now you may feel it should have been a worthwhile cause
But that’s not the point my friends
When the money keeps rolling in, you don’t ask how
Think of all the people guaranteed a good time now
Bristol’s called the losers to her, open up the doors
Never been a fund like the Foundation Palin Ka-ching!
I prayed to Jebus for this poor unwed mother to find a new gig. Thank you, Jebus!
[re=646537]jus_wonderin[/re]: Don’t just kick “Chuck” – kick every guy in the bar.
This kind of breaking news needs the Drudge sirens.
[re=646537]jus_wonderin[/re]: I have a spare flux capacitor you can use. Remember, when you go back, to also plant that birth notice for Obama in the Hawai’ian paper, otherwise when you get back Orly Taitz will be the president.
I really, sincerely hope that she can dance better than she can act, because that was embarrassing.
[re=646537]jus_wonderin[/re]:
“Any other suggestions while en route?”
Please save JFK, Bobby K, and Rev. King. And figure out some way to keep Reagan out of politics -give him an Oscar or a gay lover.
[re=646519]Ken Layne[/re]: The family wants all the fame but without the drawbacks.
[re=646525]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Even better, it’s Bristol versus the Hoff versus The Situation.
“Levi taking her from behind, because she’s pregnant again. [Just Google It, C'mon]”
Thanks for sending me off on another wild Google chase, Ken. But oh, the things I found along the way, viz. and to wit:
“Hell I would take Bristol behing the wood shed and bone her too. Who can blame Levi?? Besides that, kids do things that there parents dont know about dumb ass.”
Duly noted. I sit rebuked.
It would be sorta killah if they snuck Levi in as one of the other “celebrity” contestants.
PS – That photo is now my screensaver. But, I’ll probably change it before I lunch.
“Mama washed and combed and curled my hair
And she painted my eyes and lips
Then I stepped into a satin dancin’ dress
That had a split from the side clean up to my hip
It was red, velvet trimmin’ and it fit me good
Standin’ back from the lookin’ glass
There stood a woman where
A half grown kid had stood
Mama said, “Here’s your one chance, Fancy, don’t let me down”
Will she sue Levi for child support in Peoples Court?
DWTS pays pretty well, I hear. She must have had to return the US money when her engagement was broken a week after it “broke”… and a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. She will pick up a nice piece of change because grizzly’s fans will keep voting for her until they’re foreclosed on.
[re=646534]Canmon etc.[/re]: … like competence.
Ken, you can’t “open the kimono” on how Wonkette posts are written; otherwise they’ll stop paying us our fat salaries.
I can’t wait another 17 years or whatever to see Trig dancing to the Bolero on that POS show.
It’ll be like Torvell and Dean .
Come on baby shake your body, do the conga
I know can’t control yourself, any longa
Come on baby shake your body, do the conga
I know can’t control yourself, any longa
[re=646534]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: You mean like behave reasonably and with maturity?
There is an upside to this reality teevee trend. Each year the premise gets more outlandish. So, I eagerly await the day I tune in on “The Amazing Fifteen Minutes of Fame Crazy Tiger Brunch”.
My apologies to Siegfried, Roy and Montecore, but all of you should have patented the idea.
[re=646570]Ava2010[/re]: Win.
[re=646533]PlanetWingnuta[/re]:
Yep. That’s what she said:
“There’s been no remorse. The final straw was him [Levi] flying to Hollywood for what he told me was to see some hunting show but come to find out it was that Music Video mocking my family . He’s just obsessed with the limelight and I got played.”
And once this fails, all that’s left is a sex tape. Cue Levi in 5…4…3…2…
[re=646605]ms_mcgee[/re]: Forgot to source that quote. It’s what Bristol wrote to RadarOnline.com. No irony there!
[re=646573]torera[/re]: The “stars” are handsomely compensated. The professional dancers get seriously screwed. And yes — I’m a DWTS fan and not even that embarrassed about it.
Can she lose the fucking mullet?
[re=646580]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: You’re forgetting our short attention spans; we’ll be forgetting whatever Ken revealed by sometime soon; what was it he said again, anyway?
[re=646614]BeWoot[/re]: I am actually hooked on it too. I support you. We need to say it loud and proud.
We can dance if we want to
If we don’t nobody will
And you can act real rude and totally removed
And I can act like an imbecile
BREAKING!
LEAKED VIDEO OF BRISTOL PALIN’S SKIRT-RAISING “DWTS” AUDITION!
WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE!
MUST CREDIT EXTEMPORANUS!
[re=646633]jus_wonderin[/re]: Me three.
You know, I saw this and pronounced out loud that I would not watch it this year because of this. And my 13 yr old daughter said, “Why?”
Me: “It’s Bristol Palin!”
my Kids: “Who is she?”
Me: “Uh, duh. Sarah Palin’s daughter.”
my daughter: “What do you have against her daughter?”
Me: pause…”Well she got pregnant and is now some spokesperson for abstinence sex education, and her mother used her as a campaign prop.”
my daughter: “But what do you have against her?”
I at least take comfort in the fact that I am raising children with analytic and reasoning skills.
Bristol’s gonna run. You wait. Ma is just a front.
What? Rock of Love didn’t have an opening?
[re=646670]Wonderman[/re]: and front rhymes with C***
[re=646573]torera[/re]: Oh fuck me, I forgot about the voting. This is going to get ugly. Sister’s gonna snowtweet her fingers off whining for votes. Help us all.
The first thing I thought was “Why the fuck not?”, although I honestly believe that Mama would take the great leap into B-grade celebrity hell first. But it would be better if she would go on Wipeout instead.
[re=646614]BeWoot[/re]: I watch it every week, too, because I am enraptured by dancing. Even crappity crap dancing. Plus it’s fun to see what they scotch-tape onto Cheryl Burke so that she’s “not technically naked.”
Pistol will suck ass on the show, because it is her natural state of being. I will still watch.
Gosselin, jersey shore, and now Palins.. “Dancing with Retards”
Ok, I (somewhat shamefully) admit I’m in the “watches DWTS” club. My mom was a semi-professional ballroom dancer back in the day, so I have to watch it with her. However, on hearing this news, I had to email her and say, “We must boycott. Can’t watch. Can’t watch.” Not because of Bristol’s dancing, which will undoubtedly be no worse than some of the other horrible dancing on display, but because at some point they’ll show one of the little training montages and Sarah will be there, and she’ll say something, and I just can’t watch that. Little fotos of Sarah P. on Wonkette are all I can stand. No moving images of her. No audio.
[re=646680]edgydrifter[/re]: Actually, it’s Edyta who’s usually the naked-est and scotch-taped-est. (Yes, I’ll show myself out for knowing that.)
Wow, all she has to do now is do a commercial for that “embarrassing feminine itch” and she will have completed the trifecta of shame.
Do you think she actually answers those daily email, telling her that she’s won the Nigerian lottery? If she thought there was a speaking fee in it for her she’d probably would. “Look Mom, the Nigerian Lottery has chose ME!”
Can’t do worse than DeLay, is all I’m saying. Though the inevitable “she’s hot, like
her mom!” comments that will ensue may make me lose my lunch.
I wanna see the contract rider on that one…..no baby daddy? Bendy straws? 1st class travel and accomodation for the extended Wasilla hillbilly clan?
[re=646566]JMP[/re]: The most shameless exploitation of her brood is the way she drags little Trigger around with her to show her fans how wonderful she is for not aborting her retard baby.
[re=646534]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Inappropriate office lol… thanks for that.
[re=646514]actor212[/re]: can she get pregnant while already pregnant? Perhaps she has an extra uterus – she does seem to be unnaturally fertile.
[re=646580]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: I read that as “fart salaries” which is probably better than getting paid in hobo beans. Or maybe the same?
Ha ha. I had never seen this Dancing With The STars show before when one of my Mommy Girlfriends said: “Mommy #3 is a camera person on DWTS and scored us tickets lets go check it out!” I was sitting right behind the judges and it was freaking surreal. ‘Twas the season with DONNY FUCKING OSMOND people, which was so totally epic. Did I mention we had just left Farmers Market and the Grove and cocktails before we entered the Hallowed Ground of the DWTS set? And then right before taping starts … MICKEY FUCKING ROURKE comes in and sits directly across the way from me, front row next to the dance floor. I couldn’t stop staring at his pulled-back, up and sideways face. OK SO NOW I’M A FAN DON’T JUDGE.
This could go on for awhile: Bristol this Fall,; then Levi in the early season of 2011; then The First Dude in the Fall of 2011; then Levi’s crack-head mom in 2012; then Levi’s next baby momma; then the other Palin kid; then Trig.
The Snowbillies from Wasilla are franchise playas!
Well, she won “Dancin’ On Her Back”. Duh !
Jesus, Layne, did you only have one contact lens in when you photoshopped that abomination? After chugging a pint of Royal Gate vodka and eating the last of the acid?
White trash is taking over the airwaves.
[re=646820]Beachdreamer[/re]: It has TLC by the bawls.
It’s a shame. Sarah should really try to get that girl in a good community college.
I think Wasilla Tattoo Parlor is a great show idea!
Her first number will be danced to “Every Sperm is Sacred”. And then a baby will fall out from under her sequined dress.
Just a Real American family, doing Real American Dances on Dancing With The Stars.
Tom Delay’s size 3 dancing pumps shouldn’t be all that hard to fill, really.
Dammit, Wonkette! I just posted not a few minutes before I read this that Levi would end up doing GAY porn. Now you make me look like a fool. Though we both know that is an eventuality too.
[re=646570]Ava2010[/re]: Srsly, where’s David Shuster when we need him?
[re=646605]ms_mcgee[/re]: thanks for the quote…i think its america is the one that’s getting played, ever since mom came to national attention. Though…some are willingly letting themselves get played (fawx news viewers).
This story was so uninspiring for our Wonkette that it could not be alt-textualized.
[re=646558]SmutBoffin[/re]: Now that’s a genuinely obscure reference.
I thought DWTS was for celebrities. Guess not.
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