ya burnt jimmy carter

Kim Jong-Il Lets Jimmy Carter Run Country While He’s Away

Statue it, comrade statue-makers!Oh, Jimmy Carter is in North Korea right now? That’s funny, because Kim Jong-il is in China with his son. Yeah, hope you enjoy talking to a country full of Kim Jong-il’s servants, peanut man, because ol’ Jong face can’t make it in today. Too busy with his gay life partner China. JIMMY CARTER, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN THAT COUNTRY WITH POLITICAL SKILLZ. START A COUP! You may be old and peaceful and old, but he has basically handed you that country for the taking, and you are the only one who has lived your life making decisions for yourself. You are the only one who has run a government! NEW USA! NEW USA! NEW USA!

Two South Korean intelligence sources who, like the presidential aide, spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the matter, said that Mr. Kim might be taking his third son with him to formally introduce him to Chinese leaders. South Korean news outlets reported the same possibility.

“Yes, that is your son. Thanks. Anything else, Mr. Kim?”

News of the possible trip led to rampant speculation in South Korea. Possible motives cited by analysts in Seoul included the regime’s urgent need for Chinese aid because of massive flood damage and the possibility of a sudden decline in Mr. Kim’s health, which might have forced his aides to take him to China for treatment. Many intelligence officials believe Mr. Kim suffered a stroke in 2008.

Well, we will know if this is the reason if next week’s episode of China E.R., the anchor show of Chinese state-run media’s “Compulsory-Viewing Thursday,” features a dramatized version of these events. Otherwise they’re probably just going to continue that storyline about the peasant who had a chicken hatch in her ear.

Even so, leaving North Korea without meeting Mr. Carter would be a notable breach of diplomatic etiquette, the analyst said. “A possible political message of this is that North Korea gives its priority to China over the United States,” he said.

Yeah, well, when Jimmy Carter reads this influential blog post, he will nuclear-bomb Kim Jong-il and take over his dumb country. WHO’S BREACHING DIPLOMATIC ETIQUETTE NOW, BRO? [NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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21 comments

  1. Baldar T Flagass

    Maybe he could take over N. Korea, declare it a protectorate of the USA, and open the floodgates of North Korean immigration to our fair nation. The North Koreans would probably work a 15 hour shift at the chicken plant for 74 cents and a bucket of chicken claws, given their current living conditions. Plus, all the haters could have someone new to focus their xenophobic hatred on (“No goddam garlic-smelling Ko-Rean Baptist churches in our community!!”).

  2. SayItWithWookies

    The North Koreans are just hoping Jimmy’ll spend his time building houses until Kim gets back.

  3. GoinGreen

    [re=646383]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Them Gawldamned Kimchi-christians is makin’ the price of cabbage go through the roof!!

  4. Citizen Kang

    Isn’t referring to “politics” as a skillset giving it just a little too much credit? Is this the equivalent of saying you were instrumental in a re-election campaign when all you did was register voters for $5.00 per hour in college?

  5. Extemporanus

    I wonder if Jimmy Carter would’ve had the balls to take this trip if the North Koreans hadn’t eaten the country’s last remaining rabbit back in the winter of ’98.

  6. JMP

    Kim Jong-Il is old, in bad health and has three sons who might rule after him. I smell another Asian remake of King Lear in the works, probably nowhere near as good as Kurosawa’s.

  7. Serolf Divad

    [re=646417]Extemporanus[/re]:

    I will remind you, sir, that Carter prevailed against the last lapin that attacked him. I see no reason to doubt that he would show similar daring and courage should a similar threat arise while boating in scenic North Korea.

  8. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=646423]JMP[/re]: And Kim J-I is a piss-poor stand-in for that badass mofo Toshiro Mifune.

  9. Mahousu

    Wait, wasn’t Carter some sort of nuclear engineer when he was in the Navy? So isn’t it possible he’s going to North Korea to fix up their crappy bombs? And then, you know, RULE THE WORLD??

  10. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=646442]Mahousu[/re]: “Wait, wasn’t Carter some sort of nuclear engineer when he was in the Navy?”

    Yeah, back when we had steam-driven nuclear weapons that were detonated by hiring an ignorant immigrant laborer to hit the firing pin with a 20-pound sledge hammer. But given N. Korea’s level of technology, your hypothesis is probably quite appropriate.

  11. Extemporanus

    [re=646435]Serolf Divad[/re]: I stand corrected.

    I let the malaise felt by the sweater-wearing hostage of beer lust habitating in my heart get the better of me.

    Shan’t happen again…

  12. loquaciousmusic

    The USA will have the last laugh after the North Koreans realize that, instead of sending Jimmy Carter, former President and diplomat, we actually sent Carter Burwell, Academy-Award nominated film score composer.

  13. BOOBIES!

    Couldn’t we just change the locks on all the government buildings to keep Kim and his son out permanently? We could buy the military’s allegiance by handing out porn, ipads, cheeseburgers, beer and cigarettes.

  14. populucious

    Jong will return to find his whole country has been transformed into a giant Habitat for Humanity project. Double-wides for everyone!!

Comments are closed.