YA BURNT JIMMY CARTER  1:31 pm August 26, 2010

Kim Jong-Il Lets Jimmy Carter Run Country While He’s Away

by Jack Stuef

Statue it, comrade statue-makers!Oh, Jimmy Carter is in North Korea right now? That’s funny, because Kim Jong-il is in China with his son. Yeah, hope you enjoy talking to a country full of Kim Jong-il’s servants, peanut man, because ol’ Jong face can’t make it in today. Too busy with his gay life partner China. JIMMY CARTER, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN THAT COUNTRY WITH POLITICAL SKILLZ. START A COUP! You may be old and peaceful and old, but he has basically handed you that country for the taking, and you are the only one who has lived your life making decisions for yourself. You are the only one who has run a government! NEW USA! NEW USA! NEW USA!

Two South Korean intelligence sources who, like the presidential aide, spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the matter, said that Mr. Kim might be taking his third son with him to formally introduce him to Chinese leaders. South Korean news outlets reported the same possibility.

“Yes, that is your son. Thanks. Anything else, Mr. Kim?”

News of the possible trip led to rampant speculation in South Korea. Possible motives cited by analysts in Seoul included the regime’s urgent need for Chinese aid because of massive flood damage and the possibility of a sudden decline in Mr. Kim’s health, which might have forced his aides to take him to China for treatment. Many intelligence officials believe Mr. Kim suffered a stroke in 2008.

Well, we will know if this is the reason if next week’s episode of China E.R., the anchor show of Chinese state-run media’s “Compulsory-Viewing Thursday,” features a dramatized version of these events. Otherwise they’re probably just going to continue that storyline about the peasant who had a chicken hatch in her ear.

Even so, leaving North Korea without meeting Mr. Carter would be a notable breach of diplomatic etiquette, the analyst said. “A possible political message of this is that North Korea gives its priority to China over the United States,” he said.

Yeah, well, when Jimmy Carter reads this influential blog post, he will nuclear-bomb Kim Jong-il and take over his dumb country. WHO’S BREACHING DIPLOMATIC ETIQUETTE NOW, BRO? [NYT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 21 comments }

Gratuitous World August 26, 2010 at 1:32 pm

Jong 3:16

Baldar T Flagass August 26, 2010 at 1:39 pm

Maybe he could take over N. Korea, declare it a protectorate of the USA, and open the floodgates of North Korean immigration to our fair nation. The North Koreans would probably work a 15 hour shift at the chicken plant for 74 cents and a bucket of chicken claws, given their current living conditions. Plus, all the haters could have someone new to focus their xenophobic hatred on (“No goddam garlic-smelling Ko-Rean Baptist churches in our community!!”).

SayItWithWookies August 26, 2010 at 1:47 pm

The North Koreans are just hoping Jimmy’ll spend his time building houses until Kim gets back.

GoinGreen August 26, 2010 at 1:48 pm

[re=646383]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Them Gawldamned Kimchi-christians is makin’ the price of cabbage go through the roof!!

Citizen Kang August 26, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Isn’t referring to “politics” as a skillset giving it just a little too much credit? Is this the equivalent of saying you were instrumental in a re-election campaign when all you did was register voters for $5.00 per hour in college?

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 26, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Great, now Jimmy Carter is North Korea’s greatest monster.

Extemporanus August 26, 2010 at 1:57 pm

I wonder if Jimmy Carter would’ve had the balls to take this trip if the North Koreans hadn’t eaten the country’s last remaining rabbit back in the winter of ’98.

Extemporanus August 26, 2010 at 1:59 pm

[re=646383]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: “I am in your base BBQing your f00ds!!1″

JMP August 26, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Kim Jong-Il is old, in bad health and has three sons who might rule after him. I smell another Asian remake of King Lear in the works, probably nowhere near as good as Kurosawa’s.

Serolf Divad August 26, 2010 at 2:12 pm

[re=646417]Extemporanus[/re]:

I will remind you, sir, that Carter prevailed against the last lapin that attacked him. I see no reason to doubt that he would show similar daring and courage should a similar threat arise while boating in scenic North Korea.

Baldar T Flagass August 26, 2010 at 2:14 pm

[re=646423]JMP[/re]: And Kim J-I is a piss-poor stand-in for that badass mofo Toshiro Mifune.

weejee August 26, 2010 at 2:16 pm

Pass on the kim chee Jimmy.

Mahousu August 26, 2010 at 2:20 pm

Wait, wasn’t Carter some sort of nuclear engineer when he was in the Navy? So isn’t it possible he’s going to North Korea to fix up their crappy bombs? And then, you know, RULE THE WORLD??

Baldar T Flagass August 26, 2010 at 2:27 pm

[re=646442]Mahousu[/re]: “Wait, wasn’t Carter some sort of nuclear engineer when he was in the Navy?”

Yeah, back when we had steam-driven nuclear weapons that were detonated by hiring an ignorant immigrant laborer to hit the firing pin with a 20-pound sledge hammer. But given N. Korea’s level of technology, your hypothesis is probably quite appropriate.

Extemporanus August 26, 2010 at 2:28 pm

[re=646435]Serolf Divad[/re]: I stand corrected.

I let the malaise felt by the sweater-wearing hostage of beer lust habitating in my heart get the better of me.

Shan’t happen again…

loquaciousmusic August 26, 2010 at 2:29 pm

The USA will have the last laugh after the North Koreans realize that, instead of sending Jimmy Carter, former President and diplomat, we actually sent Carter Burwell, Academy-Award nominated film score composer.

Baldar T Flagass August 26, 2010 at 2:34 pm

[re=646457]loquaciousmusic[/re]: We’d-a sent Nell Carter, but she’s dead.

BOOBIES! August 26, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Couldn’t we just change the locks on all the government buildings to keep Kim and his son out permanently? We could buy the military’s allegiance by handing out porn, ipads, cheeseburgers, beer and cigarettes.

Jim89048 August 26, 2010 at 4:12 pm

[re=646438]weejee[/re]: Hollow victory, nobody could tell the difference.

populucious August 26, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Jong will return to find his whole country has been transformed into a giant Habitat for Humanity project. Double-wides for everyone!!

transfatz August 27, 2010 at 3:02 am

Jimmy says: “Herro”

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