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Jesus Romantic Chris Young Is Your Next Providence Mayor

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Chris Young is a perennial mayoral candidate in Providence, Rhode Island. As you can see in the video above, he knows that the most important part of politics is pulling out a music recording and singing along to the psalm you wrote about Jesus. DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING, WONKETEERS? Previously Young was kicked out of a debate holding a statue of the Virgin Mary, and another time he got angry and flipped over a debate table. Last night, though, he was on his “best behavior.” He proposed to his GIRLFRIEND as his closing statement, though that may have been just been a cynical ploy to get the audience to go “awwwwwwww.”

That proposal may have been a stunt, though. The Projo has been describing Russo as Young’s fiancée for more than a month.

Not only that, but Young was using the conditional-wedding gag as far back as last February, as shown in this interview with The Brown Daily Herald

Also, what is the deal with his weird neck hair? That is a cheap ploy to win the votes of weird-neck-hair admirers. [WPRI]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • CrunchyKnee

    Chris Griffin?

  • jus_wonderin

    He’s embarrassed by his bald neck. That is a comb-back-around.

  • That Evening Sun

    Nice dork knob, dude.

  • JMP

    It’s no “When the Eagle Soars”, that’s for sure. If I lived in Providence, I’d rather have the jailed Mafia guy back.

    The end was really odd, as he begged the anchor to be invited to come back on the show and she seemed to try and hide how creeped out she was.

  • Extemporanus

    Does he campaign in a van…DOWN BY THE RIVER?!

  • Dear Diorama

    Seems like a chill bro.

  • progressiveinga

    Man, Ryan Seacrest didn’t seem to like him at all. What was Simon Cowell’s answer? Is Mayor-elect Young going to Hollywood?

  • El Pinche

    [re=645636]Extemporanus[/re]: Hahahahaha… damn!! You beat me to it.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hell, I stopped at the intro to the song — when he’s rockin’ the slicked hair and neck bun, hitting play and announcing he’d like to sing is warning enough. If the Providence cops weren’t at his house within the hour rooting through his crawlspace, they’re not doing their job.

  • Sharkey

    Penn Jillette?

  • ph7

    “Kara and I have made it public that we don’t live in sin, that we don’t have sexual relationships,” Young said.

    The neck pouch must be his backed-up semen storage.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Girlfriend? Yeah, right.

  • gurukalehuru

    Weird-neck-hair admirers is probably listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s smallest demographic.

  • Aguacatero

    “I’ll wait.” — Rupert Pupkin.

  • ella

    Yoo hoo, Chris! The camera’s over here! o/

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=645652]ph7[/re]: Oh, sweet fuck, that is the most disgusting thing I have heard in a long, long time. I bow before you, humbly.

  • GOPCrusher

    Mayor of Quahog?

  • Oldskool

    Someone, somewhere, (probably his mom) has been telling the poor guy he can really sing and his hair looks great. And the rest of us suffer for all those lies.

  • GOPCrusher

    Made it to 1:12

  • Jukesgrrl

    Sometimes I think of Rhode Island as just a miniature version of Alaska.

  • teebob2000

    You mean “perennial” as in running for re-election every time, right? Because clearly this is a mayoral-quality individual and there’s NO WAY the fine citizens of Providence could have NOT voted this gentleman into office yet. No way.

  • Tim

    Wow, the wingnuttery has been hard and fierce today.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=645633]That Evening Sun[/re]: Watch it, tough guy.

    World renowned bloated Buddhist action flick icon Steven Seagal would so totally “Haaaiii-YA!” yer ass if he ever heard you talkin’ shit like that about dudes who rock the ponyscrote.

    And you can take that to the bank!

    [re=645644]El Pinche[/re]: Sorry — if I’d known what you had in mind, I would’ve gone with a “Coffee Talk” reference instead.

    [re=645652]ph7[/re]: Chris Young is literally a cuttlefish:

    “Mating cuttlefish align their bodies head to head so the male can transfer a sealed package of sperm into a pouch beneath the female’s mouth.”

    Look out, Lizard People — the Cuttle People are cumming!

  • tootsieroll

    OMG I heard this guy this morning on T&R. Then they had Basil Marceaux call in live to talk about how he will mandate everyone in TN to carry a gun. Good radio.

  • BobTheBuilder

    “We’ll see what we can do about that…”

    He got the same response when he proposed.

  • BadKitty

    I, for one, totally believe him when he says he and his girlfriend have a non-sexual relationship because … ewww. I don’t believe his “girlfriend” is a living breathing human being who spends time with him voluntarily. This guy has stalker vibes oozing out of his massive, sweaty pores.

  • whiskey tango foxtrot

    [re=645650]Sharkey[/re]: Chris Farley, for sure.

  • OCKerouac

    I call shenanigans. He sang all about screwing his girlfriend in his hit song Paradise By The Dashboard Light…


  • Airborne Toxic Event

    And be a siiiimple, kind of man

  • Bufford T. Justice

    Young/Greene 2012?

  • zhubajie

    One of the main goals for the 1789 constitution was to control crooked businessmen in “Rogue” Island.

  • whiteyrighty

    Rhode Island is not another Alaska. It is what would happen if Maine and New Jersey had a baby. It’s two-thirds Catholic. In RI, even the Methodists are Catholic. And even the WASPs (“Chris Young”?) are Italian. But hey, in most other states, someone as cloddish and clueless as Chris would be a Republican, or a RonPaulista, or a ‘Bagger. I love me some Rhode Island. It is crammed full of Italian-, Portuguese- and French-Canadian-Americans, really blue collar, disproportionately elderly, and the home to so many ugly people that the way to find someone attractive is to look for out-of-state plates. But that bunch of weirdos votes Democratic like nobody’s business. God love them.

    Alaska? Get the fuck outa hee-yah.

  • tootsieroll

    [re=645789]whiteyrighty[/re]: Amen. These are the people elected Buddy Cianci. Actually, I think he’d be better than half the crap out there right now.

  • Pelagius

    Ah, flipping over the table is a time honoured debate tactic. Also handy when losing at ‘Risk’ when you are 10 years old.

  • thebeatgoeson

    [re=645828]tootsieroll[/re]: [re=645789]whiteyrighty[/re]: Rhode Island is unique all right. The current Mayor of Providence is openly gay and no one bats an eye. The State legislature is overwhelmingly democratic and the Speaker of the House is also openly gay. The Governor is a homophobic Catholic douchebag. And Buddy Cianci is still a hero of many, even though he no longer wears his crappy toupee. I have to say, though, this Chris guy is kinda creepy even by Rhode Island standards. I wish the camera had panned to the interviewer while he was “singing”. I’ll bet the look on her face was priceless!

  • iburl

    Don’t Sing If You Can’t Sing.

  • JMP

    [re=645719]BadKitty[/re]: No, I think his fiancee is a human being; she just lives in Canada, you wouldn’t know her.

  • Hunger Tallest Palin

    Is that the male version of Palin’s Bumpit?

  • Deuce MacInaugh

    [re=645828]tootsieroll[/re]: I’ll give Buddy this much: for all his embezzling and torturing his wife’s lover with a burning log while the cops looked on, I think he cared about Providence, in an extremely corrupt way. His marinara sauce was pretty “meh”, though.

  • Baldar T Flagass

    Rhode Islanders are alright with me; my ex-fiance is from West Warwick and was a genius in the rack; my cousin married a guy from Pawtucket and he’s pretty cool. But they call their drinking fountains “bubblers.” WTF?

  • stew

    Bet he’d do a killer “Pants On The Ground”!

  • stew

    [re=645653]BarackMyWorld[/re]: If you’ve never seen a female version of John Denver On Ludes here, you’re obviously not a Walmart shopper.

  • Thomas Allen

    Is a conditional-wedding gag anything like a ball gag?

  • LeftLeftie

    Hella Pitchy Dawg. You gotta watch the whole video because it is a SNL skit but FOR REALZZZZZZZZZZZ!

  • The Sandman

    This is what you would get if you locked one of those Palin spawn (mother/daughter whichevers breeding faster) in a closet for 18 years with a Bible, an autoharp and a bucket full of Adderal. Let the good times roll!

  • Maus

    “He proposed to his GIRLFRIEND”

    Do his boyfriends know?