IT'S HOW THEY SPELL 'TEATS' IN WYOMING!  9:17 am August 26, 2010

Alan Simpson Said the Bad Word For Boobies!

by Sara Benincasa

Titties and cows and money.A Republican former senator from Wyoming totally said “tits” to a lady, in an email! Specifically, Alan “Bartholomew J.” Simpson, who is now the co-chair of the White House’s Commission on Fiscal Reform, called Social Security a “cow with 310 million tits.” HAHAHAHAHH. And now some uptight lame-os want him to resign. But should he?

Because Context is very important to Glenn Beck and to your Wonkette, let us examine the facts surrounding Simpson’s reference to funbags. The adorable Ashley B. Carson, who looks 22 but for some reason is in charge of the Older Women’s League (OWL), wrote some pretty mad things on Arianna Huffington’s collaborative Blogspot blog:

Mr. Simpson continues to paint the picture that everyone receiving Social Security benefits is living the high life — driving luxury cars, dining out and living in gated communities. If this is true, can someone please tell me where it is that I can retire in the United States where I can buy my Lexus, make house payments and never have to cook at home again on my $11,000?

Perhaps Simpson is confused, maybe because he lives the high life, he believes all older adults live like he does.

Oh, what a poorly-written but nicely-aimed zinger! Carson also wrote that Simpson was mean to grandmas, and that he was sexist! He immediately refuted the latter charge by firing off an email that read, in part, “I’ve made some plenty smart cracks about people on Social Security who milk it to the last degree. You know ‘em too. It’s the same with any system in America. We’ve reached a point now where it’s like a milk cow with 310 million tits! Call when you get honest work!”

While he had a good OH SHIT SNAP GURL line about blogging for the Huffington Post, which is essentially a group LiveJournal, he really ought to have taken the opportunity to use the term “titties,” which is grosser and therefore more hilarious than “tits.” Alternately, he could’ve referred to bovine “gazongas,” “breastises,” “sippy nips,” and “sucky fucky ta-ta pillows.”

Alan Simpson has failed America with his choice of an uncreative synonym for milk jugs. As punishment, Ashley Carson and her old-lady friends will motorboat his balls. [Huffington Post]

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Dashboard_Buddha August 26, 2010 at 9:24 am

Oh no…is Simpson’s (Doh!) career going tits up?

Looy August 26, 2010 at 9:24 am

He’s from a rural state! Milk cows have “tits” (or “teats”). That’s barnyard humor, a genre rapidly losing its meaning to our urban culture. So let’s translate…..

Norbert August 26, 2010 at 9:30 am

Alan Simpson said “smart cracks”. He needs to resign. And Tom Vilsack should accept that resignation so as a country we can put this episode behind us and move on. Norbert said “behind”. When will Norbert apologize?

ttommyunger August 26, 2010 at 9:31 am

Alan thinks the masses are sucking the tit dry….Not nearly as dry as Alan’s wrinkled old “Mangina”. I can’t help but wonder when that old cunt is finally going to die.

Mild Midwesterner August 26, 2010 at 9:31 am

[re=645948]Looy[/re]: Those of us living in flyover country don’t understand what all the fuss is about.

FlownOver August 26, 2010 at 9:37 am

[re=645948]Looy[/re]: You’re absolutely right – and Simpson should still go, just for being an old fart with bad ideas who’s gotten a pass for years because he has a sense of humor somewhere between Jeff Foxworthy and Dane Cook.He’s funny-for-DC the same way people are pretty-for-DC.

weejee August 26, 2010 at 9:41 am

Simpson is talking titz for dazed.

Serolf Divad August 26, 2010 at 9:45 am

Instead of feeding them, we should be slaughtering the calves so Simpson’s Country Club can serve veal every day.

JMP August 26, 2010 at 9:46 am

I don’t get the analogy; how is Social Security like a cow surrounded by millions of small birds?

Norbert August 26, 2010 at 9:50 am

Nobama orders Statue of Liberty to be melted down & replaced with:

Katydid August 26, 2010 at 9:55 am

[re=645958]Norbert[/re]: Ha ha ha (not sarcastic)

Berkeley Bear August 26, 2010 at 9:55 am

I don’t care what he said, I’m just grateful he gave the Wonkette Editor overlords the opening to put in the loop of the Bouncing Bazooms. Classy!

Tundra Grifter August 26, 2010 at 9:56 am

[re=645948]Looy[/re]: Yes, “teats” as the little ditty extoling the virtues of canned milk:

“No teats to pull,
No hay to pitch.
Just punch a hole
In the son of a bitch.”

Tundra Grifter August 26, 2010 at 9:57 am

Would “airbags” have been ok? Or don’t cows get formica tops?

cheeto_jeebus August 26, 2010 at 10:00 am

I could stare at those blingy boobies for thousands of hours. no make that millions. like 310 millions.

S.Luggo August 26, 2010 at 10:03 am

“[P]eople on Social Security who milk it to the last degree,” says Cranky K. McCranky with his large Senate pension. (How can you ‘milk’ a system that has fixed payments?) Alan should go back to kicking crippled children to get his jollies.

PS: Teh old and teh infirm on SS haven’t received a COLA increase for the last two years, just coupons for dented cans of food at the Dollar Store.

PPS: Thanks for the contribution to the Blingee, Sara.

Johnny Zhivago August 26, 2010 at 10:10 am

[re=646016]cheeto_jeebus[/re]: I donno, I mean – an NFL half-time show with 310 million tits, I could probably watch. But a cow with 310 million tits just sounds like a really fucked up cow.

Baldar T Flagass August 26, 2010 at 10:14 am

On a related note, is it sexual harassment if you pronouncement it har-ASS-ment instead of HAR-as-ment? It’s important, in today’s PC work environment.

Sara Benincasa August 26, 2010 at 10:22 am

I trust you are all enjoying the Blingee boobs, which I put there specifically because you are perverts.

WIDTAP August 26, 2010 at 10:23 am

Teats or GTFO.

Norbert August 26, 2010 at 10:30 am

[re=646018]S.Luggo[/re]: [P]eople on Social Security who milk it to the last degree”…

The commission has noticed that millions of burdensome seniors just keep on cashing check after check, and it is costing us a great deal of money. Is their no end to their selfishness? The last degree to which Mr. Simpson is referring seems to be death, after which point the vast majority of seniors generously stop their milking of the government tit. The patriotic thing to do would be to just volunteer for some kind of life termination advisory hearings, or “death panels” if you will. Country first!

Jim89048 August 26, 2010 at 10:32 am

[re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Word. I needed that, after losing my boner hearing someone like Simpson use the word tits.

BlueStateLiberal August 26, 2010 at 10:33 am

When are we going to kick this nasty old coot to the curb?

comicbookguy August 26, 2010 at 10:37 am

America, show us your 310 million tits!

Baby who ate the Dingo August 26, 2010 at 10:43 am

Like the 94 ways to say “snow” in Eskimo…(even though there are really only 3)

Bazzooms; boulders (as in “over the shoulder boulder holders”); knockers; hooters; hoobs; Boobies! (must always use the exclamation point); puppies; tatas; bazongas; melons; jugs; knobs; Alan Simpson

Rajul August 26, 2010 at 10:45 am

“310 million tits”? Sounds like something Peggy Noonington-upon-Trent would write.

S.Luggo August 26, 2010 at 10:52 am

[re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Too modest.

[re=646053]Norbert[/re]: And then the oldsters get sick and whiny and start milking the Medicare. There has to be a stop this.

Doglessliberal August 26, 2010 at 10:56 am

Hey, Sara, speaking of boobies, this provides some nice fodder for a post:

Can O Whoopass August 26, 2010 at 10:59 am

Good thing he doesn’t think cows have testicles!

Rajul August 26, 2010 at 11:05 am

[re=646053]Norbert[/re]: I always thought it was “cuntery first.” But then again, these fucks can’t spell, so who knows, or cares.

DoktorZoom August 26, 2010 at 11:07 am

Tits doesn’t even belong on the list. That is such a friendly
sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? “Hey, Tits, come here,
man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots.” It sounds like a
snack, doesn’t it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don’t mean your sexist
snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits,
Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. “Betcha Can’t Eat Just
–George Carlin

JMP August 26, 2010 at 11:12 am

[re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Wait, where did you get that idea? I mean it’s not like a conversation about breasts spontaneously arose on the morning briefing post.

Extemporanus August 26, 2010 at 11:14 am

[re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: I especially like how they are Teaboobing the Socialist cows. And how they are boobs. And bouncy. And boobs. Mmm, booooobbbsss…

Extemporanus August 26, 2010 at 11:17 am

When are Wonketteers BOOBIES! and User-of-Ashley Carson going to weigh-in with their sides of the story?

Tim August 26, 2010 at 11:25 am

[re=646053]Norbert[/re]: I don’t think it’s the oldz, it’s all the crazy checks from SSI … but isn’t that their base?

Extemporanus August 26, 2010 at 11:33 am

Here are a couple old Elvis tracks to help you lazy ass titty babies wake-up:

Milkcow BLues Boogie

Sour Milkcow Blues


Serolf Divad August 26, 2010 at 11:39 am

[re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]:

Actually, I’m rather offended… and hoping to be offended again, many times, in the not too distant future.

Not_So_Much August 26, 2010 at 11:42 am

[re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Know your audience. win.

jimmywitz August 26, 2010 at 12:37 pm

Didn’t he make some reference to his “cracks”? I think it was his “crack” where all his opinions were coming from!
Here’s my Haiku
Simpson’s asshole speaks
Old folks commit suicide
What a mean ol’ phart!

Extemporanus August 26, 2010 at 12:37 pm

[re=646140]Extemporanus[/re]: Okay, I suck — I got my Elvis boob tunes names crossed!

ShamWow August 26, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Mr. Simpson – I prefer my tits being referred to as sweater-puppies, thank you very much.

GOPCrusher August 26, 2010 at 1:21 pm

[re=645962]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: I guess we would have to assume that these West/East Coast elitists would also be offended if he would have said “Retired people are as worthless as tits on a boar.”
Because that shit kills, at the local tavern here.

Looy August 26, 2010 at 2:44 pm

What did the milkmaid say when she woke up under a cow? “Take it easy boys, one at a time.”

sati demise August 26, 2010 at 2:59 pm

WTH does it take to get fired by Obama?
So far the only way is to be falsely accused of something by Breitfart.

And when did it become acceptable to tell people they must be suffering from “the vapors”?
Didnt that have something to do with laudanum?
Is he calling people drug addicts like Mr. Gibbs?

torera August 26, 2010 at 4:27 pm

[re=646493]sati demise[/re]: That’s what I asked the WH yesterday – how come it’s only falsely accused black people who get fired; old a-hole white men do not. It’s not the “tits” for heaven’s sake, it’s the continued pushing of the Cheney meme that social security is going broke. It’s not. (Medicare is, but that’s different.)

Pourly Ritten August 26, 2010 at 6:43 pm

[re=646031]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: If you pronounce it “HER-ASS-ment” you really get in trouble

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