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Titties and cows and money.A Republican former senator from Wyoming totally said “tits” to a lady, in an email! Specifically, Alan “Bartholomew J.” Simpson, who is now the co-chair of the White House’s Commission on Fiscal Reform, called Social Security a “cow with 310 million tits.” HAHAHAHAHH. And now some uptight lame-os want him to resign. But should he?

Because Context is very important to Glenn Beck and to your Wonkette, let us examine the facts surrounding Simpson’s reference to funbags. The adorable Ashley B. Carson, who looks 22 but for some reason is in charge of the Older Women’s League (OWL), wrote some pretty mad things on Arianna Huffington’s collaborative Blogspot blog:

Mr. Simpson continues to paint the picture that everyone receiving Social Security benefits is living the high life — driving luxury cars, dining out and living in gated communities. If this is true, can someone please tell me where it is that I can retire in the United States where I can buy my Lexus, make house payments and never have to cook at home again on my $11,000?

Perhaps Simpson is confused, maybe because he lives the high life, he believes all older adults live like he does.

Oh, what a poorly-written but nicely-aimed zinger! Carson also wrote that Simpson was mean to grandmas, and that he was sexist! He immediately refuted the latter charge by firing off an email that read, in part, “I’ve made some plenty smart cracks about people on Social Security who milk it to the last degree. You know ’em too. It’s the same with any system in America. We’ve reached a point now where it’s like a milk cow with 310 million tits! Call when you get honest work!”

While he had a good OH SHIT SNAP GURL line about blogging for the Huffington Post, which is essentially a group LiveJournal, he really ought to have taken the opportunity to use the term “titties,” which is grosser and therefore more hilarious than “tits.” Alternately, he could’ve referred to bovine “gazongas,” “breastises,” “sippy nips,” and “sucky fucky ta-ta pillows.”

Alan Simpson has failed America with his choice of an uncreative synonym for milk jugs. As punishment, Ashley Carson and her old-lady friends will motorboat his balls. [Huffington Post]

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