Titties and cows and money.A Republican former senator from Wyoming totally said “tits” to a lady, in an email! Specifically, Alan “Bartholomew J.” Simpson, who is now the co-chair of the White House’s Commission on Fiscal Reform, called Social Security a “cow with 310 million tits.” HAHAHAHAHH. And now some uptight lame-os want him to resign. But should he?

Because Context is very important to Glenn Beck and to your Wonkette, let us examine the facts surrounding Simpson’s reference to funbags. The adorable Ashley B. Carson, who looks 22 but for some reason is in charge of the Older Women’s League (OWL), wrote some pretty mad things on Arianna Huffington’s collaborative Blogspot blog:

Mr. Simpson continues to paint the picture that everyone receiving Social Security benefits is living the high life — driving luxury cars, dining out and living in gated communities. If this is true, can someone please tell me where it is that I can retire in the United States where I can buy my Lexus, make house payments and never have to cook at home again on my $11,000?

Perhaps Simpson is confused, maybe because he lives the high life, he believes all older adults live like he does.

Oh, what a poorly-written but nicely-aimed zinger! Carson also wrote that Simpson was mean to grandmas, and that he was sexist! He immediately refuted the latter charge by firing off an email that read, in part, “I’ve made some plenty smart cracks about people on Social Security who milk it to the last degree. You know ’em too. It’s the same with any system in America. We’ve reached a point now where it’s like a milk cow with 310 million tits! Call when you get honest work!”

While he had a good OH SHIT SNAP GURL line about blogging for the Huffington Post, which is essentially a group LiveJournal, he really ought to have taken the opportunity to use the term “titties,” which is grosser and therefore more hilarious than “tits.” Alternately, he could’ve referred to bovine “gazongas,” “breastises,” “sippy nips,” and “sucky fucky ta-ta pillows.”

Alan Simpson has failed America with his choice of an uncreative synonym for milk jugs. As punishment, Ashley Carson and her old-lady friends will motorboat his balls. [Huffington Post]

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  1. He’s from a rural state! Milk cows have “tits” (or “teats”). That’s barnyard humor, a genre rapidly losing its meaning to our urban culture. So let’s translate…..

  2. Alan Simpson said “smart cracks”. He needs to resign. And Tom Vilsack should accept that resignation so as a country we can put this episode behind us and move on. Norbert said “behind”. When will Norbert apologize?

  3. Alan thinks the masses are sucking the tit dry….Not nearly as dry as Alan’s wrinkled old “Mangina”. I can’t help but wonder when that old cunt is finally going to die.

  4. [re=645948]Looy[/re]: You’re absolutely right – and Simpson should still go, just for being an old fart with bad ideas who’s gotten a pass for years because he has a sense of humor somewhere between Jeff Foxworthy and Dane Cook.He’s funny-for-DC the same way people are pretty-for-DC.

  5. I don’t care what he said, I’m just grateful he gave the Wonkette Editor overlords the opening to put in the loop of the Bouncing Bazooms. Classy!

  6. [re=645948]Looy[/re]: Yes, “teats” as the little ditty extoling the virtues of canned milk:

    “No teats to pull,
    No hay to pitch.
    Just punch a hole
    In the son of a bitch.”

  7. “[P]eople on Social Security who milk it to the last degree,” says Cranky K. McCranky with his large Senate pension. (How can you ‘milk’ a system that has fixed payments?) Alan should go back to kicking crippled children to get his jollies.

    PS: Teh old and teh infirm on SS haven’t received a COLA increase for the last two years, just coupons for dented cans of food at the Dollar Store.

    PPS: Thanks for the contribution to the Blingee, Sara.

  8. [re=646016]cheeto_jeebus[/re]: I donno, I mean – an NFL half-time show with 310 million tits, I could probably watch. But a cow with 310 million tits just sounds like a really fucked up cow.

  9. On a related note, is it sexual harassment if you pronouncement it har-ASS-ment instead of HAR-as-ment? It’s important, in today’s PC work environment.

  10. [re=646018]S.Luggo[/re]: [P]eople on Social Security who milk it to the last degree”…

    The commission has noticed that millions of burdensome seniors just keep on cashing check after check, and it is costing us a great deal of money. Is their no end to their selfishness? The last degree to which Mr. Simpson is referring seems to be death, after which point the vast majority of seniors generously stop their milking of the government tit. The patriotic thing to do would be to just volunteer for some kind of life termination advisory hearings, or “death panels” if you will. Country first!

  11. Like the 94 ways to say “snow” in Eskimo…(even though there are really only 3)

    Bazzooms; boulders (as in “over the shoulder boulder holders”); knockers; hooters; hoobs; Boobies! (must always use the exclamation point); puppies; tatas; bazongas; melons; jugs; knobs; Alan Simpson

  12. [re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Too modest.

    [re=646053]Norbert[/re]: And then the oldsters get sick and whiny and start milking the Medicare. There has to be a stop this.

  13. Tits doesn’t even belong on the list. That is such a friendly
    sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? “Hey, Tits, come here,
    man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots.” It sounds like a
    snack, doesn’t it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don’t mean your sexist
    snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits,
    Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. “Betcha Can’t Eat Just
    –George Carlin

  14. [re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Wait, where did you get that idea? I mean it’s not like a conversation about breasts spontaneously arose on the morning briefing post.

  15. [re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: I especially like how they are Teaboobing the Socialist cows. And how they are boobs. And bouncy. And boobs. Mmm, booooobbbsss…

  16. [re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]:

    Actually, I’m rather offended… and hoping to be offended again, many times, in the not too distant future.

  17. Didn’t he make some reference to his “cracks”? I think it was his “crack” where all his opinions were coming from!
    Here’s my Haiku
    Simpson’s asshole speaks
    Old folks commit suicide
    What a mean ol’ phart!

  18. [re=645962]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: I guess we would have to assume that these West/East Coast elitists would also be offended if he would have said “Retired people are as worthless as tits on a boar.”
    Because that shit kills, at the local tavern here.

  19. WTH does it take to get fired by Obama?
    So far the only way is to be falsely accused of something by Breitfart.

    And when did it become acceptable to tell people they must be suffering from “the vapors”?
    Didnt that have something to do with laudanum?
    Is he calling people drug addicts like Mr. Gibbs?

  20. [re=646493]sati demise[/re]: That’s what I asked the WH yesterday – how come it’s only falsely accused black people who get fired; old a-hole white men do not. It’s not the “tits” for heaven’s sake, it’s the continued pushing of the Cheney meme that social security is going broke. It’s not. (Medicare is, but that’s different.)

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