it's how they spell 'teats' in wyoming!

Alan Simpson Said the Bad Word For Boobies!

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Titties and cows and money.A Republican former senator from Wyoming totally said “tits” to a lady, in an email! Specifically, Alan “Bartholomew J.” Simpson, who is now the co-chair of the White House’s Commission on Fiscal Reform, called Social Security a “cow with 310 million tits.” HAHAHAHAHH. And now some uptight lame-os want him to resign. But should he?

Because Context is very important to Glenn Beck and to your Wonkette, let us examine the facts surrounding Simpson’s reference to funbags. The adorable Ashley B. Carson, who looks 22 but for some reason is in charge of the Older Women’s League (OWL), wrote some pretty mad things on Arianna Huffington’s collaborative Blogspot blog:

Mr. Simpson continues to paint the picture that everyone receiving Social Security benefits is living the high life — driving luxury cars, dining out and living in gated communities. If this is true, can someone please tell me where it is that I can retire in the United States where I can buy my Lexus, make house payments and never have to cook at home again on my $11,000?

Perhaps Simpson is confused, maybe because he lives the high life, he believes all older adults live like he does.

Oh, what a poorly-written but nicely-aimed zinger! Carson also wrote that Simpson was mean to grandmas, and that he was sexist! He immediately refuted the latter charge by firing off an email that read, in part, “I’ve made some plenty smart cracks about people on Social Security who milk it to the last degree. You know ’em too. It’s the same with any system in America. We’ve reached a point now where it’s like a milk cow with 310 million tits! Call when you get honest work!”

While he had a good OH SHIT SNAP GURL line about blogging for the Huffington Post, which is essentially a group LiveJournal, he really ought to have taken the opportunity to use the term “titties,” which is grosser and therefore more hilarious than “tits.” Alternately, he could’ve referred to bovine “gazongas,” “breastises,” “sippy nips,” and “sucky fucky ta-ta pillows.”

Alan Simpson has failed America with his choice of an uncreative synonym for milk jugs. As punishment, Ashley Carson and her old-lady friends will motorboat his balls. [Huffington Post]

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    Oh no…is Simpson’s (Doh!) career going tits up?

  • Looy

    He’s from a rural state! Milk cows have “tits” (or “teats”). That’s barnyard humor, a genre rapidly losing its meaning to our urban culture. So let’s translate…..

  • Norbert

    Alan Simpson said “smart cracks”. He needs to resign. And Tom Vilsack should accept that resignation so as a country we can put this episode behind us and move on. Norbert said “behind”. When will Norbert apologize?

  • ttommyunger

    Alan thinks the masses are sucking the tit dry….Not nearly as dry as Alan’s wrinkled old “Mangina”. I can’t help but wonder when that old cunt is finally going to die.

  • Mild Midwesterner

    [re=645948]Looy[/re]: Those of us living in flyover country don’t understand what all the fuss is about.

  • FlownOver

    [re=645948]Looy[/re]: You’re absolutely right – and Simpson should still go, just for being an old fart with bad ideas who’s gotten a pass for years because he has a sense of humor somewhere between Jeff Foxworthy and Dane Cook.He’s funny-for-DC the same way people are pretty-for-DC.

  • weejee

    Simpson is talking titz for dazed.

  • Serolf Divad

    Instead of feeding them, we should be slaughtering the calves so Simpson’s Country Club can serve veal every day.

  • JMP

    I don’t get the analogy; how is Social Security like a cow surrounded by millions of small birds?

  • Norbert

    Nobama orders Statue of Liberty to be melted down & replaced with:

  • Katydid

    [re=645958]Norbert[/re]: Ha ha ha (not sarcastic)

  • Berkeley Bear

    I don’t care what he said, I’m just grateful he gave the Wonkette Editor overlords the opening to put in the loop of the Bouncing Bazooms. Classy!

  • Tundra Grifter

    [re=645948]Looy[/re]: Yes, “teats” as the little ditty extoling the virtues of canned milk:

    “No teats to pull,
    No hay to pitch.
    Just punch a hole
    In the son of a bitch.”

  • Tundra Grifter

    Would “airbags” have been ok? Or don’t cows get formica tops?

  • cheeto_jeebus

    I could stare at those blingy boobies for thousands of hours. no make that millions. like 310 millions.

  • S.Luggo

    “[P]eople on Social Security who milk it to the last degree,” says Cranky K. McCranky with his large Senate pension. (How can you ‘milk’ a system that has fixed payments?) Alan should go back to kicking crippled children to get his jollies.

    PS: Teh old and teh infirm on SS haven’t received a COLA increase for the last two years, just coupons for dented cans of food at the Dollar Store.

    PPS: Thanks for the contribution to the Blingee, Sara.

  • Johnny Zhivago

    [re=646016]cheeto_jeebus[/re]: I donno, I mean – an NFL half-time show with 310 million tits, I could probably watch. But a cow with 310 million tits just sounds like a really fucked up cow.

  • Baldar T Flagass

    On a related note, is it sexual harassment if you pronouncement it har-ASS-ment instead of HAR-as-ment? It’s important, in today’s PC work environment.

  • Sara Benincasa

    I trust you are all enjoying the Blingee boobs, which I put there specifically because you are perverts.


    Teats or GTFO.

  • Norbert

    [re=646018]S.Luggo[/re]: [P]eople on Social Security who milk it to the last degree”…

    The commission has noticed that millions of burdensome seniors just keep on cashing check after check, and it is costing us a great deal of money. Is their no end to their selfishness? The last degree to which Mr. Simpson is referring seems to be death, after which point the vast majority of seniors generously stop their milking of the government tit. The patriotic thing to do would be to just volunteer for some kind of life termination advisory hearings, or “death panels” if you will. Country first!

  • Jim89048

    [re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Word. I needed that, after losing my boner hearing someone like Simpson use the word tits.

  • BlueStateLiberal

    When are we going to kick this nasty old coot to the curb?

  • comicbookguy

    America, show us your 310 million tits!

  • Baby who ate the Dingo

    Like the 94 ways to say “snow” in Eskimo…(even though there are really only 3)

    Bazzooms; boulders (as in “over the shoulder boulder holders”); knockers; hooters; hoobs; Boobies! (must always use the exclamation point); puppies; tatas; bazongas; melons; jugs; knobs; Alan Simpson

  • Rajul

    “310 million tits”? Sounds like something Peggy Noonington-upon-Trent would write.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Too modest.

    [re=646053]Norbert[/re]: And then the oldsters get sick and whiny and start milking the Medicare. There has to be a stop this.

  • Doglessliberal

    Hey, Sara, speaking of boobies, this provides some nice fodder for a post:

  • Can O Whoopass

    Good thing he doesn’t think cows have testicles!

  • Rajul

    [re=646053]Norbert[/re]: I always thought it was “cuntery first.” But then again, these fucks can’t spell, so who knows, or cares.

  • DoktorZoom

    Tits doesn’t even belong on the list. That is such a friendly
    sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? “Hey, Tits, come here,
    man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots.” It sounds like a
    snack, doesn’t it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don’t mean your sexist
    snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits,
    Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. “Betcha Can’t Eat Just
    –George Carlin

  • JMP

    [re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Wait, where did you get that idea? I mean it’s not like a conversation about breasts spontaneously arose on the morning briefing post.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: I especially like how they are Teaboobing the Socialist cows. And how they are boobs. And bouncy. And boobs. Mmm, booooobbbsss…

  • Extemporanus

    When are Wonketteers BOOBIES! and User-of-Ashley Carson going to weigh-in with their sides of the story?

  • Tim

    [re=646053]Norbert[/re]: I don’t think it’s the oldz, it’s all the crazy checks from SSI … but isn’t that their base?

  • Extemporanus

    Here are a couple old Elvis tracks to help you lazy ass titty babies wake-up:

    Milkcow BLues Boogie

    Sour Milkcow Blues


  • Serolf Divad

    [re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]:

    Actually, I’m rather offended… and hoping to be offended again, many times, in the not too distant future.

  • Not_So_Much

    [re=646039]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Know your audience. win.

  • jimmywitz

    Didn’t he make some reference to his “cracks”? I think it was his “crack” where all his opinions were coming from!
    Here’s my Haiku
    Simpson’s asshole speaks
    Old folks commit suicide
    What a mean ol’ phart!

  • Extemporanus

    [re=646140]Extemporanus[/re]: Okay, I suck — I got my Elvis boob tunes names crossed!

  • ShamWow

    Mr. Simpson – I prefer my tits being referred to as sweater-puppies, thank you very much.

  • GOPCrusher

    [re=645962]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: I guess we would have to assume that these West/East Coast elitists would also be offended if he would have said “Retired people are as worthless as tits on a boar.”
    Because that shit kills, at the local tavern here.

  • Looy

    What did the milkmaid say when she woke up under a cow? “Take it easy boys, one at a time.”

  • sati demise

    WTH does it take to get fired by Obama?
    So far the only way is to be falsely accused of something by Breitfart.

    And when did it become acceptable to tell people they must be suffering from “the vapors”?
    Didnt that have something to do with laudanum?
    Is he calling people drug addicts like Mr. Gibbs?

  • torera

    [re=646493]sati demise[/re]: That’s what I asked the WH yesterday – how come it’s only falsely accused black people who get fired; old a-hole white men do not. It’s not the “tits” for heaven’s sake, it’s the continued pushing of the Cheney meme that social security is going broke. It’s not. (Medicare is, but that’s different.)

  • Pourly Ritten

    [re=646031]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: If you pronounce it “HER-ASS-ment” you really get in trouble