don't tax her cynicism

Michele Bachmann Decides Political Ads Require Too Much Intelligence, Finds Innovative Way To Dumb Them Down

What do we do with this ballot you gave us? Do we eat it? Do we put it in our butt? HELP!Why is our modern political discourse conducted at such a high grade-level? Americans cannot follow it! They did not pay attention in school; they strung themselves along doing next to nothing until they could land themselves a lifetime job of menial labor, which is what you’re supposed to do. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO STUPIDITY IN AMERICA JUST AS YOU ARE ENTITLED TO APPLE PIE AND VAGINAL INTERCOURSE. Knowing this, and knowing people’s hatred of ideas that could complicate or change their political beliefs, Michele Bachmann has optimistically decided to make it easy for us. Here is Jim the Election Guy! He will be with you through this entire campaign to hold your hand! First up: Bachmann’s opponent <3 taxes.

Was that trite and dumbed-down enough for you? No? No, of course it wasn’t. Watch it 10 more times. Sound out the words on the screen. “T-T-T-AX.” Very good! “SP-SP-SPE-END.” Nice work. You get to pick out a sticker!

If voters can understand this, soon they will be able to move onto more complex programming, such as Sesame Street.

Thanks Jim. We have to go try not to drown in our own drool or die of starvation, because both of those things require our full effort. [YouTube]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. JMP

    Is it really a good idea, when a candidate who looks like a screeching crazy-eyed harpy is running who looks pretty good for her age, to have a commercial which shows a big image of the opponent’s pleasant looking face for most of the runtime?

    Also, Michelle certainly did a good job in finding an original angle of attack against a Democratic candidate, one that hasn’t been completely run into the ground by every single Republican in the country for the past decade or two.

  2. politech

    As someone who has worked in both politics and comms (and really people, it’s not any different), this makes me sad. So very, very sad. Because I know this came from not just a SENSE that voters need some broham who speaks like a Sesame Street character – but PROOF, stemming from surveys, polls and research proving that even throat shoving diatribes were too sophisticated for voters.

  3. snoidoid

    Wait, I’m still confused. Tarryl Clark did what? Did she raise or lower taxes? This is soooo difficult. And what about all that paper? Doesn’t she recycle? Man, this voting is tough!

  4. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=645431]rmontcal[/re]: [re=645438]snoidoid[/re]: Not to mention the repeated buttsecksing Jim has obviously enjoyed fairly recently.

  5. V572625694

    [re=645432]JMP[/re]: Taxes bad!
    [re=645431]rmontcal[/re]: Bow legs good!
    [re=645429]ManchuCandidate[/re]: MN-6: stoopid!

  6. weejee

    [re=645429]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Do they have an inverted literacy test? Iffin’ you can read, then you can’t vote?

  7. Baldar T Flagass

    The best part is the 1950s-Disney-nature-film-background-music.

    Re: alt-text “do we put it up our butt?” Would that make it a “squarehead ass-ballot?” Mark Wahlberg cringes.

  8. user-of-owls

    I’d like to ask Jim the Election Guy to explain the relative merits of Single-Member District Plurality systems compared to Single Non-Transferable Vote modified D’Hondt systems.

    He’s the Election Guy, so this should be a piece of cake for him.

  9. gurukalehuru

    Jim the Election Guy is the sequel to Joe the Plumber. First name, simple with first initial J, followed by “the”, followed by something.
    Like John the Baptist or Jack the Ripper.

  10. Hopey dont play that game

    Hi, I’m Jim. This is Tarryl Clark. She loves Muslims. She wants to turn Minnesota over to terrorists. She wants a mosque on every street corner. If you like wearing burqas then vote for Tarryl Clark.

  11. lawrenceofthedesert

    Well, c’mon, Clark is making it so darn hard by having that complicated first name! And with legs like that, why didn’t they costume Jim as Toulouse Lautrec? He’s no Jose Ferrer, but still…

  12. rayy

    She’s already got the “stupid vote”–don’t think this is going to help. Of course when you’ve got all kinds of money from stupids around the country, you gotta find some way to spend it. Thanks God for DVR’s!!!

  13. Extemporanus

    Regarding those goofy graphics: VH1’s “Pop-Up Idiot”, or GoogleMaps “You Are Queer”?


  14. Alldat

    [re=645443]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Mostly likely Jim is a (satisfied) client of Mr. Bachmann’s counseling service.

  15. SmutBoffin

    “Hi, this is Jim the Election guy back for another 8 sec. campaign ad. This is Tarryl. She has herpes and a bad hydromorphone habit. If you see her at a campaign stop, don’t touch her, she could get Socialism cooties on you.”

  16. GOPCrusher

    So what is Michele Bachmann’s plan to reduce the deficit? What is the Republiklan Party’s plan to reduce the deficit? What programs are they willing to cut? Are they prepared to announce which segments of the American voting public that they will alienate to reduce the deficit?
    It’s amusing to see their little brains kicking into seizure when directly questioned as to what their actual fiscal policy is.

  17. Extemporanus

    [re=645431]rmontcal[/re]: [re=645443]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: It looks like “Bachdoorr” Bachmann really had that dude pegged.

  18. Truculent

    This asshole is all over the televisons, even preempting the dead Billy Mays in the middle of the night. Minnesota’s version of Joe the Plumber

  19. SmutBoffin

    So you are entitled to intercourse now? Back in my day, you had to earn it, possibly with dinner, theatre tickets, and a well-calibrated booze outlay.

  20. The Greatest American hero

    Jim has a very wide stance if you know what I mean. And his haircut is faggy.

  21. GOPCrusher

    [re=645478]SmutBoffin[/re]: Being married, I thought the only approved method was begging for it.

  22. Extemporanus

    [re=645469]SmutBoffin[/re]: Don’t fuck with Jim’s fellas — this ain’t his first time at the rodeo.

  23. fromhils

    OK I finally caved and had to look up the demographic information for this district, which has elected this crazy person, not once, but TWICE.

    It is A LOT (92%) of white people w/ high school diplomas (>30% have college degrees) making around 70K a year, they must pay extra to work in the frozen tundra.

    Unfortunately I couldn’t find anything that polled actual mental stability…

  24. Woodwards Friend

    [re=645501]thehelveticascenario[/re]: Actually Jim the Election Guy is of the Bill Nye the Science Guy Guys. I believe Jim is Bill’s second cousin, once removed.

  25. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=645431]rmontcal[/re]: you don’t think that Michele has been riding him with the two headed device of love, do you?

  26. One Yield Regular

    Seeing someone like “Jim the Election Guy” doing a Michele Bachmann spot almost makes me believe in the most paranoid wingnut conspiracy fantasies concerning The Gay Agenda.

  27. martinette

    Bachmann is normally such a star fucker, I’m genuinely surprised to see her pay to have someone else one the tube. Of course, “Jim the Dickish Guy” is just doing her dirty work, if you catch the meaning.

  28. zhubajie

    [re=645456]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: Given how fat and ugly Americans are getting, burqas should be encouraged. Maybe required for anyone over 300 pounds!

  29. Tundra Grifter

    Because I did like Wonkette told me and ordered free tickets to the Bachmann-Palin lovefest in MN (although I live in California), I’m now on One-L’s email roster.

    Today she’s begging – “We’re less than 24 hours away from our deadline. To reach our goal of raising $48,000 in 48 hours, we need to bring in an additional $31,533.” In other words, in the first 24 hours she raised less than $16,500.

    The Conservative Victory 2010 Tour’s dirty little secret is that Teabaggers are cheaper than Scrooge McDuck. It’s just not a winning strategy to count on the 2% of the American population that constitutes a self-identified-disorganized leaderless group that refuses to donate cash to candidates.

  30. jus_wonderin

    [re=645945]Sue[/re]: “What you doing there? Deciding how to vote? Can I help you with that?”

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