Walnuts! ForeverAmerica’s new Robert Byrd is John McCain, who will never be voted out of the Senate because Arizona Republicans are also too old and confused and stupid to know what’s happening, ever. Hooray for the ex-Maverick! It only cost Juan the last crumbs of his integrity and legacy, and it cost Cindy $20 million. But at least she gets to send Walnuts back to Washington and out of her way, while she drools over young Navy SEALs in an Rx haze. John McCain has handily defeated crazy teevee huckster J.D. Hayworth.

The relentless sleazy ads from McCain and Hayworth ensured that almost nobody even wanted to vote: Turnout for the primary was expected to be as low as 20%, with most estimating around 22% at best. This means it should be possible to put a very large and comical price per vote on what it cost the McCains to defeat an actual cartoon character.

Turnout at the polls was light for much of today for Arizona’s primary election, which will set the field for November races ranging from U.S. Senate to local constable.

As they turned out to cast ballots, many voters said they were turned off by relentless and negative campaign advertising, saying the mudslinging distracted the public from important issues like the economy and illegal immigration.

Haha, yeah, why isn’t anybody talking about illegal immigration, in Arizona?

Anyway, you can go to bed happy: You’ve still got John WALNUTS! McCain to laugh at for another six years, assuming his bullshit genes are strong enough to fend off death until then. And then he will return to Arizona to make some more hilarious commercials, looking for all the world like he has never once seen the Dr. Seuss desert all around him. [AZ Central]

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  • jetjaguar


  • Johnny Zhivago

    More importantly, who won that local constable election?

  • tootsieroll

    How was dinner?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    It’s pretty clear that your average Arizonan is too proud to say it right out loud: they couldn’t make to to the polls today because they are afraid to step outside into a world that is 100% terrorized 24/7 by illegal Mexicans, running rampant, running drugs, having gun battles (guns held sideways, like in the gangsta movies) and decapitating white folks in the streets of Arizona.

    Save us Jan Brewer!

  • Slattenpat

    I’ve been working hard and I’m really out of the loop… Is McCain still pretending like he’s the Runner-Up President, dispensing advice and orders as if coming in second place simply means your bidding doesn’t get done as fast?

    Oh, and:
    If I ever see him anywhere, I will still kick him right in the WALNUTS! for Palin, I don’t care what the consequences are.

  • obfuscator

    you wanna be a crusty old dinosaur senator? all you need is a military family pedigree, dangerous incompetence, 5.5 years in the saigon super 8, a rich young beer empire heiress for a wife, and no shame whatsoever!

    america, what a country.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And the fourteenth and seventeenth amendments are safe — for now.

  • DemmeFatale

    [re=644932]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: And the wimmins are plopping out their terror/anchor babies everywhere!!!!!

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Sheesh, of that 22%, probably half were illegal. This clearly means that John McCain is a Muslim.

  • gurukalehuru

    There is still November.

  • mcc

    So does this mean McCain can start supporting DADT repeal again

  • Miss Kublik

    I do fine without sexy young Navy SEALS, but I couldn’t survive a day without my Rx haze.

  • satyricrash

    [re=644928]jetjaguar[/re]: HENNNGGGH HENNNGGGH HOORAY!!

  • facehead

    For a second, I thought Jim Newell was leaving us all over again.

  • Roket

    Heh! You said ‘Dr. Seuss desert’. *snickers*

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=644932]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: “He’s holding it sideways! Killshot! Killshot!”

    At least I hope it was a movie reference from you, because that’s what played inside my head.

  • mumblyjoe

    Well, fantastic- now that Walnuts! is the next Senator from Arizona again, we can COMPLETE THE DANGED FENCE aroundArizonatokeepthemfrominfectingtherestofthecountrywiththestupid.

  • mcc

    I would like a relationship with someone who knows how to punctuate correctly

  • thenumbersbro

    So I got the math to be like $16-18 per vote. For the price of just one vote, the McCain’s could have hired three illegals to run a better campaign.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=644964]mcc[/re]: I’m going to go to a site where spambots hang out and leave notes about interesting current events. That’ll teach the bastards.

  • BarackMyWorld

    [re=644965]thenumbersbro[/re]: That’s a win.

  • edgydrifter

    [re=644936]obfuscator[/re]: EXACTLY as the founding fathers intended.

  • Aurelio

    McCain beat Hayworth 2 to 1. The Republicans knew that would happen, so they stayed home.
    McCain’s victory is boring and not worth discussing. The only reason we are talking about this is that in some kinky way, we are fans of Walnuts. Or maybe I should say we are obsessed with this old coot. It’s kinda like the fascination people had with the Charlie Manson or the Unabomber, only more light-hearted.

  • Joshua Norton

    20 mill? That’s a lot of possum and rumatiz medicine.

  • coastingdownhill

    Tres aclamaciones para Don Valla Maldito Nogales.

  • Enslave the Whales

    Mmm. Didn’t I post a comment on this thread? It was probably too long and alcoholic, but still. Shouldn’t the other commenters be allowed to ignore or mock me?

  • BarackMyWorld

    I hope everyone realizes that had she not been plucked from obscurity by McCain, tonight Sarah Palin would have just won the nomination for a second term, and possibly be taken seriously by the national media.

  • DC Hates Me

    It looks like Murkowski is losing to some rustic hobo. Seriously, does everyone in Alaska look like a meth head?

    [re=644979]Enslave the Whales[/re]: Instead of the “Submit Comment” button, you probably hit the “I Am Drunk” button .. which routes your comment to Free Republic.

  • Come here a minute

    Ben “Dirty Scottsdale” Quayle, scion of the famous potatoe dynasty, won his dirty primary in a heated four-way battle with a whopping 23 percent of the vote.

    I wonder how many of his blog posts also involved heated four-ways.

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=644935]Slattenpat[/re]: No, McCain no longer pretends to be Runner-Up President. He’s content to be Lieberman’s Shadow Senator. “What should I do now, henngh?” He surrendered his autonomy when he had to call in his evil creation, the Bride of Wasilla, to prop up his failing campaign. And he thought the Viet Cong were monsters …

  • Oblios Cap

    Six more years of Meghan tweets!

  • jus_wonderin

    Okay, you alls can kick me but I am glad McCain won. At the very least it saved us from his further right opponent. And, I see it’s a win that we get to comment on the geezer’s exploits for a bit longer. Hurry though, he ain’t getting any younger.

  • Limeylizzie

    [re=644992]Come here a minute[/re]: Have you seen that character, he is unbelievably unattractive , much like his mother, sex with him would have to involve a 4-way as you would have to have 3 other more attractive people to look at .

  • Nefer

    I’m confused. Do they not have a general election in November in Arizona? Is the winner of the GOP primary automatically senator?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Juan Walnuts proves there is a deep truth to “There is no fool like an old fool.”

  • S.Luggo

    They’re celebrating in the Canal Zone with mucho Don Cuervo and burning serapes.

    Martin Van Buren sends his congratulations, also.

  • Aflac Shrugged

    [re=645004]Nefer[/re]: No, but the Democratic primary winner is usually decided over lunch at a Taco Bueno in Wickenburg, so it’s hard for him or her to compete.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    This is good news for, um, what’re we talking about again?

  • WriteyWriterton

    Six more years (if he lasts that long; he’s older than I, and I am old) of Get-Off-My-Lawn. Oh comma my. Maybe he’ll have an epiphany, freed from the need to feed the Tea Party beast and maverick his ass up again, as penance for foisting the Quitter on us.

    Nahh. The last thing he’ll experience is contrition, and it’ll only be for crashing the last jet.

  • Terry

    I heard McCain’s statement this morning on the news. He’s not only no longer acting as the runner-up president, he’s now vowing to go to Washington and clean up the place. Oh, really? Who has been a Senator for a jillion years and helped set the tone in DC? Hmmmmmm?

  • Limeylizzie

    If he wasn’t so fucking hateful and condescending to our Hopey I might feel sorry for him, however, he also foisted the hideous Alaskunt on the world , so nope, no sympathy for Walnuts.

  • One Yield Regular

    Si se puede!

  • WriteyWriterton

    [re=645036]Limeylizzie[/re]: You and me, LL, all the way, ma’am, just cold-callin’ out the Foister.

  • Diana Davies

    Leave McCain alone! He fixed the economy, at least.

  • Panquake

    Anti-incumbent fever = Snakes on a Plane.

  • Limeylizzie

    [re=645043]WriteyWriterton[/re]: Foist!

  • petehammer

    [re=645009]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: “Her”? Come on. Only one lady is allowed in politics in Arizona, and that’s Jan Brewer. Try finding a democrat who vows, as a campaign platform, to get rid of photo radar, breaking a contract and costing the state $$$. LCD FTW!

    I think McCain said it best about Democrats in Arizona: “Hennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngh! Illegals! Hennngh!”

    Powerful, powerful words.

  • just pixels

    I’ll bet even some of his old North Vietnamese guards are happy for the chance come over here to “kick John McCain around” again.

    Once he’s elected that dang fence will get built. Also, we’ll balance the budget, consarnit. And, ye gads, replace ObamaCare with RepubiCare (“you just saying NO makes you feel better”).

  • RubyLou

    I’m sorry that McCain won also. Hmm…he’s one of the 11 (last figure I heard ) that have won that Palin has supported, isn’t he? How many have won that Barack Obama has supported…one, I think.. and he distanced himself as fast as he could.

    BTW, you don’t have very much respect for the elderly do you?

  • transfatz

    “You Still Have John McCain To Kick Around, Forever”

    This is great news for Vietnam United.

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