PRIMARY TIME AGAIN!  8:19 pm August 24, 2010

Liveblogging Florida & Arizona, the Sun Cancer States!

by Ken Layne

It's a COLLAGE, you fucks!
Ha ha, so a couple of your Wonkette contributors were jabbering all day about doing liveblogging, and your editor said okay great but don’t kill yourselves because these “couple of primary/runoff things somewhere” do not exactly leave the nation or even the Wonkette Readership spellbound. And then of course nobody showed up to liveblog at all, because it takes very little to discourage America’s generation of underemployed English graduates. So join us for a few hours of very leisurely liveblogging as results trickle in like fat drops of Ambien-laden urine trickling down John McCain’s slacks.
8:57 PM — The headline on the non-story not coming true, courtesy of the Politico, which in large part invented the non-story: “Insurgents Sag.” You don’t say.
8:15 PM — Ha ha none of the cable news channels planned to cover this at all, and that idiot Rick Sanchez is on CNN, and somebody just told him to drop whatever “newscast” about it being too cold for volcanoes because might as well cover the election, sure.
8:16 PM — It is simultaneously comforting and terrifying to know that the multi-million-dollar CNN operation is as slipshod and half-assed as Wonkette.
8:17 PM — Marco Rubio is giving his victory speech! (He won because the actual electable candidate quit the GOP, and then everybody in the Florida GOP was arrested for fraud and degeneracy.) Marco thanks God, and then Cubans, but not Cuba, which is the opposite of God.
8:19 PM — So Marco Rubio is a 23-year-old child-wingnut blogger, is that about right?
8:20 PM — Wow, so the Florida Senate race is actually about “what defines us a people,” Marco? The stakes are super big! And Kendrick Meek beat weirdo gazillionaire pimp Jeff Greene!
8:21 PM — Rick Sanchez clearly never saw or heard the name “Kendrick Meek” before this very moment. Good job sounding it out, Sanchez. Jesus christ ….
8:22 PM — Excuse us for a moment, while we make a Blingee for America.
8:34 PM — We went for an artistic Foto-Collage, because there wasn’t really a single photograph suitable for the whore-ish Blingee treatment.
8:37 PM — This is fascinating, on the CNN, watching someone who literally has no idea what he’s talking about try to fill airtime. You could see the nine brain cells almost bounce out of his eyeballs when he got to interrupt and talk about a wildfire in California.
8:39 PM — The “who cares” Florida gubernatorial GOP primary is Bill McCollum with 44% and Rick Scott with 46% and about 62% of the vote left to be counted or recounted or whatever.
8:40 PM — Awesome local-newscast bullshit skillz, Rick: “So John King … John, are you there? John? So what does this tell us about whatever the hell I’m reading off the laptop screen?”
8:42 PM — Maybe the Rachel Maddow show will have some results. Jesus god ….
8:45 PM — Speaking of Professor Maddow, she had a bit last night about the bogus “anti-incumbent fever sweepin’ the nation like fornication” nonsense, with all of seven incumbents losing so far out of 300+ primaries and runoffs. Why won’t the actual events of the news play nicely with the dumb narrative?
8:49 PM — We can’t deal with this jabbering clown on the CNN, not for a minute more. Good-bye, El Confusio.
8:50 PM — And once again proving the ANTI-INCUMBENT FEVER trope is, uh, wrong: Senator Patrick Leahy easily won his Vermont deal, so he can continue being the senator forever, or until The Batman vs. The Joker, Part III, the Final Outrage is filmed, and Leahy perishes. Do we have a picture of this? Yes, yes we do:

All you people are fucked up something fierce.U.S. Sen. Patrick Leahy has easily won a spot on Vermont’s general election ballot.

The 70-year-old handily defeated political newcomer Daniel Freilich (FRY-lick) on Tuesday in the state’s Democratic primary. Leahy was first elected in 1974 and is now the Senate’s second-longest serving member.

9:00 PM — Dinner bell! Meaning, “your editor has to go cook dinner, and then consume it, along with the wine.” Back in a while with Arizona SMACKDOWN when, again, the incumbent will be victorious. He will also be Walnuts.
9:48 PM — Polls still open in the Oven State and the Snowbilly State, but we’ve got another ANTI-INCUMBENT FEVER story from Oklahoma, the Dust Bowl/Domestic Terrorism state: Two random non-incumbent Republicans beat two other random non-incumbent Republicans, and these people will run against Democrats in November. In one case, one of the Republicans will run against an incumbent Democrat. THERE IS YOUR ANTI-INCUMBENT FEVER, otherwise known as “political unknowns running against incumbents in the general election, just like always.”

 
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{ 59 comments }

chascates August 24, 2010 at 8:22 pm

Isn’t McCollum the self-righteous asshole who was only to happy to impeach Bill Clinton?

Zikan August 24, 2010 at 8:25 pm

Yeah. And RIck Scott has the CEO of the company that committed the largest Medicaid fraud in history!

Johnny Zhivago August 24, 2010 at 8:28 pm

Ken, you should just outsource all the writing to one of those call centers in India or Russia, where they write funny posts in between answering questions about Verizon cellphones or GE appliances.

chascates August 24, 2010 at 8:32 pm

From the Palm Beach whatever:
Governor – Republican primary
Bill McCollum (R) 43.6% (356,939 )
Rick Scott (R) 46.1% (377,412 )
Mike McCalister (R) 10.3% (84,201 )

Meek wins Dem Senate nomination

weejee August 24, 2010 at 8:36 pm

[re=644844]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Or real estate agents sleeping under freeway overpasses.

chascates August 24, 2010 at 8:36 pm

Major cocksucker in second place:

Florida
GOP Primary, Governor
46.1%
Rick Scott
43.5%
B. McCollum
10.4%
M. McCalister

Zikan August 24, 2010 at 8:41 pm

and in first place is an even bigger cocksucker

chascates August 24, 2010 at 8:41 pm

Rubio

Crist

Meek

NOVEMBER

In Florida.

bhosp August 24, 2010 at 8:46 pm

The two words that tell you everything you need to know about the depth of the bench at CNN: “Rick Sanchez”. Campbell Brown got fired or quit or whatever, and Rick Sanchez was the best they could come up with.

Johnny Zhivago August 24, 2010 at 8:49 pm

[re=644849]chascates[/re]: Damn, Rick Scott was gonna stop the Mosque for sure.

ifthethunderdontgetya" August 24, 2010 at 8:53 pm

Why won’t the actual events of the news play nicely with the dumb narrative?

It’s the damn narrative. It doesn’t like actual events, and won’t let actual events play with its toys.
~

mdotsota August 24, 2010 at 9:08 pm

Wait, who is that girl pictured in between the alligator and Marco Rubio? Does Walnuts have ANOTHER daughter with Meg’s sense of modesty? Is that the black McCain child Bush kept warning us about in 2000?

Beowoof August 24, 2010 at 9:08 pm

Wow if that cock sucker Rick Scott wins it going to cost me extra to take the grandkids to Disney, cause I am not going to Florida for any reason while that criminal is the Governor.

Down Goes Frazier August 24, 2010 at 9:14 pm

[re=644863]Beowoof[/re]: If political criminals impact your vacation choices, Florida has been off-limits pretty much since Ponce de Leon.

WriteyWriterton August 24, 2010 at 9:15 pm

“…like fat drops of Ambien-laden urine trickling down John McCain’s slacks.”

Me likey. Let’s give McGollum, aka AG Smeagol, a last shove, sending his tiny little opportunistic corpse spinning into the abyss. Better, let’s hook him up with Rev. Rekers. The two deserve each other.

RobPetrified August 24, 2010 at 9:20 pm

A local columnist described the FL district 8 race as a contest among 7 republicans to decide whos liver will be served to Alan Grayson with fava beans and a fine Chianti.
Ned Flanders and Jebus’ favorite, Daniel Webster, won that dubious honor.
I’ll bet HE won’t taste like chicken!

iburl August 24, 2010 at 9:26 pm

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Emotionally unstable pants wetter.
Emotionally unstable pants wetter Who?
Glenn Beck.

WriteyWriterton August 24, 2010 at 9:26 pm

Alt-text wins.

JMP August 24, 2010 at 9:26 pm

Laura Bush seems even scary than usual in that picture with Sen. Leahy.

BarackMyWorld August 24, 2010 at 9:28 pm

[re=644842]chascates[/re]: Yeah, he’s back. The douche.

ella August 24, 2010 at 9:50 pm

I’m indebted to you, Ken, for watching the himbo, Rick Sanchez, so we didn’t have to.

ifthethunderdontgetya" August 24, 2010 at 9:52 pm

I hope Rick Scott wins. Alex should be able to sink his fraudship.
~

Radiotherapy August 24, 2010 at 10:06 pm

Those are the nicest two thingies to rip out of OKLA HOMA in quite some time.
Two Sooners?!!??

Guppy06 August 24, 2010 at 10:09 pm

Once again I marked all the wrong answers on my ballot.

dijetlo August 24, 2010 at 10:13 pm

I wonder the same thing every time I watch CNN. Who is this Rick Sanchez person and why isn’t he a hard bodied stripper in a a latex cheerleader uniform participating in simulated acts of lesbian bondage with other random strippers from the New York area (or perhaps Snooki, as soon as she gets out of jail)? What are we worried about here? Gravitas? You fucking hired that mewling moron from Red State and Rick Sanchez. This is a hell of a time to start worrying about gravitas.
Where’s the vision, CNN?

ella August 24, 2010 at 10:22 pm

I just saw the CNN guy (John King, I think) standing in front of their map and showing another map on an ifreakinPad. I guess the eraser board era is over.

SayItWithWookies August 24, 2010 at 10:26 pm

I just noticed that Lisa Murkowski looks like that lady who hangs out at the airport terminal and tries to get people to take some laxative. Or maybe it’s a stool softener — I usually find something else to focus on while she’s lecturing her captive yet apparently fascinated audience about how uncomfortable it is when you can’t poop.
Anyway, she’s about to crush some favorite candidate of Sarah Palin, who will inevitably interpret this as a sign from The LORD that just hasn’t been crazy enough. If she really believed in her sacred mission, she could be wildly insane and still win elections. And yes, she’s holding back — I absolutely 100% believe she’s been hiding that extra-crazy lamp under a bushel.

Seek August 24, 2010 at 10:29 pm

It’s not just a collage, Ken, It’s a fucking work of art. It goes beautifully with the poetry that is this line “like fat drops of Ambien-laden urine trickling down John McCain’s slacks.” Who knew I would get so much culture in one liveblog post.

Hutch August 24, 2010 at 10:32 pm

I am so happy that Rick Scott lost. What a total douchebag! At least I won’t have to watch his obnoxious commercials for another three months. They made me upchuck every morning.

ella August 24, 2010 at 10:43 pm

Ben Quayle has cancelled his campaign party. I hope he haz a sad.

DC Hates Me August 24, 2010 at 10:45 pm

Does the rest of the country live in a different time zone? Fuck them and their hippy clocks.

BarackMyWorld August 24, 2010 at 10:49 pm

I don’t know who this person running against Lisa Murkowski is, but if Sarah Palin were a rational human with an interest in having a real political future (instead of being an overpaid spokeswoman for the idiot wing of the party), she’d be running for that Senate seat herself.

facehead August 24, 2010 at 10:50 pm

8:22 PM — Excuse us for a moment, while we make a Blingee for America.
8:34 PM — We went for an artistic Foto-Collage, because there wasn’t really a single photograph suitable for the whore-ish Blingee treatment.

Are we to believe you made this entire collage in less than 12 minutes?

When will the lies stop Mr. Layne?

SayItWithWookies August 24, 2010 at 10:51 pm

Oh look — there are apparently Democratic senatorial candidates from Arizona too. I have no idea if any of them has a chance, but it would be some sweet justice if Randy Parraz, who got into the race over SB1070, beat his ass. And don’t bother saying anything about how ridiculous that sounds — I can fantasize for a little bit. Hell, any Democrat beating John McCain would be fine with me.

sati demise August 24, 2010 at 11:11 pm

[re=644904]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Parraz is even for teh gays. It would be so great if he could win the whole shooting match.
All the fuckin olds here would die sooner, or move to South Carolina.

Undeterredbyreality August 24, 2010 at 11:15 pm

Why are you going back in time from 8:57 to 8:15? Do you know something we don’t? Are you trying to fuck up the continuum?

SayItWithWookies August 24, 2010 at 11:19 pm

Holy crap — Rick Scott won in Florida, according to the AP. Which I guess is good news for the Democrats, but still — I thought even the Republicans had more sense than that. Oh wait — sorry.

SayItWithWookies August 24, 2010 at 11:30 pm

[re=644914]sati demise[/re]: It would be cool to see more liberal representation. And Mo Udall was from AZ, so it’s not unheard-of. I still cling to this hope — though it’s been fainter lately — that the Dems will hold onto both houses, which should amount to a repudiation of the damn GOP, whose spokesloons are already starting to strut about how many seats they’ll be picking up. Hell, that idjit Dick Morris was on Assity’s radio show this afternoon predicting the Republicans will win 70 seats in the House and have a 51-49 majority in the Senate. Which is lunacy even by Republican standards, but he’ll manage to forget he ever said that if it doesn’t work out.

Hutch August 24, 2010 at 11:36 pm

[re=644904]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh, dear lord. Well, good for Alex Sink! I guess. Gawd, I hate his commercials. I hope he doesn’t have too many millions to spend on more.

Rumproast August 24, 2010 at 11:42 pm

Vagina.

V572625694 August 24, 2010 at 11:53 pm

Wow, WALNUTS! seems to be eking out a 59-30 win over Hayworth. Good thing he sold his soul to win. It was never even close…what a moran he was/is! The whole 2008 presidential campaign was worth it just because it shattered his war-hero façade.

SayItWithWookies August 24, 2010 at 11:54 pm

[re=644922]Hutch[/re]: I saw the number $172 mil, so yeah, it should still be a tough race for Sink.

And is AZ’s Dem Senate primary not today, or is just nobody reporting on it? TPM and CNN seem to have nothing on it.

Enslave the Whales August 25, 2010 at 12:02 am

[re=644917]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I have mixed feelings about the Scott win. (And I don’t live in FL so what I think is meaningless, anyhow).

You’d think that it would be an advantage to Sink to be running against the poster boy for health-insurance fraud. But OTOH, he has buttloads of ill-gotten moolah to throw into adverts, and 46% of Republicans evidently think he’s quite all right, which confuses me because I can’t believe that 46% of all Florida Republicans are retired fraudulent con-man CEOs, which seems to be Scott’s natural base.

Ah, well, at least the Dems puked on Jeff Greene.

Enslave the Whales August 25, 2010 at 12:05 am

[re=644924]V572625694[/re]: This is a primary where the only good outcome would be simultaneous lightning strikes.

Slattenpat August 25, 2010 at 12:42 am

[re=644884]Radiotherapy[/re]: OKLA (•)(•) HOMA-GOD ARE YOU A 36DD?

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 25, 2010 at 1:10 am

[re=644917]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Thanks for the link Wook…, It is nice to see that the Florida GOP is going for an out and out criminal a true Republican not a Muslim RINO.

gurukalehuru August 25, 2010 at 1:13 am

[re=644919]SayItWithWookies[/re]: My predictions: a)Sometime between now and November,John John wets his pants in public. b)at least one Republican candidate claims to have been abducted and sexually molested by aliens c) Democrats pick up seats in house, go over 60 in Senate, not that it will make any real difference

Miss Kublik August 25, 2010 at 1:14 am

As usual, the media just doesn’t get it. These primaries aren’t about anti-incumbency rage. They’re all about the Burlington Coat Factory Mosque being two floors under 9/11 and just around the corner from the sacred PATH station of the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey.

Marlowe August 25, 2010 at 1:14 am

[re=644940]Slattenpat[/re]:
” “Insurgents Sag.”

Not that Oklahoma insurgent!

Guppy06 August 25, 2010 at 1:43 am

Meanwhile, in the Florida state house district 33 Libertarian primary, Franklin Perez beat out Ellen Paul 49 to 19.

The system works!

BarackMyWorld August 25, 2010 at 3:37 am

Lisa Murkowski is losing so far.

Her opponent actually seems like a well-educated (degrees in law and economics) and qualified person (decorated combat veterant and former U.S. Magistrate Judge) to hold that office.

I’m not sure how he got mixed up with Palin and the Tea Party, if that’s the case.

Come here a minute August 25, 2010 at 5:59 am

I went to a FRY-lick once. It was great, but only if you got to go first.

Jukesgrrl August 25, 2010 at 7:39 am

Marco Rubio tells Floridians the election is about “what defines us a people.” And by “people” he means only those who are not black or orange.

WriteyWriterton August 25, 2010 at 9:05 am

[re=644999]Jukesgrrl[/re]: The sooner Floridians suck up/poison the last of the Everglades, the sooner we can be shot of their politics, especially their contribution to the 2000 Presidential election.

sanantonerose August 25, 2010 at 11:17 am

Oklahoma: Texas’s Canada. With tits.

Mad Farmer Manifest August 25, 2010 at 11:38 am

[re=644852]chascates[/re]: I’m no conservative, but I have to say that I’m rooting for Crist. It’d be nice for the Senate to have an actual conservative to offset the gaggle of fascist child molesters under the Republican label.

GOPCrusher August 25, 2010 at 12:31 pm

[re=644919]SayItWithWookies[/re]: This election is eerily reminiscent of 2008. With the Republiklans beating themselves on the chests over how they were going to win the Presidency and both houses of Congress. And the “pundits” telling the American public just how close the election was going to be. And then September hit and the bottom fell out of everything for the Republiklans, best personified by Michele Bachmann going on Hardball with her “Congress needs to be investigated for anti-American activities” rant.
Today, it looks like the Tea Baggers are collapsing in on themselves and shortly after Labor Day, the American electorate are going to start paying attention and realize that the Republiklans really have no message or plan.

Decker August 25, 2010 at 1:22 pm

I was bored enough to google “Oklahoma t-shirt,” and while it turned up Ken Layne’s busomy muse, I wanted to open a vein (not mine) after seeing result number three. USA FML.

http://www.google.com/images?q=oklahoma%20t-shirt&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=og&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi&biw=1280&bih=619

pat robertsons personal trainer August 25, 2010 at 1:44 pm

[re=644862]mdotsota[/re]: a couple of OU fans following an OU loss.
http://wbgv.wordpress.com/2007/12/05/maybe-oklahoma-isnt-the-worst-punishment/

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