Ha ha, so a couple of your Wonkette contributors were jabbering all day about doing liveblogging, and your editor said okay great but don’t kill yourselves because these “couple of primary/runoff things somewhere” do not exactly leave the nation or even the Wonkette Readership spellbound. And then of course nobody showed up to liveblog at all, because it takes very little to discourage America’s generation of underemployed English graduates. So join us for a few hours of very leisurely liveblogging as results trickle in like fat drops of Ambien-laden urine trickling down John McCain’s slacks.
8:57 PM — The headline on the non-story not coming true, courtesy of the Politico, which in large part invented the non-story: “Insurgents Sag.” You don’t say.
8:15 PM — Ha ha none of the cable news channels planned to cover this at all, and that idiot Rick Sanchez is on CNN, and somebody just told him to drop whatever “newscast” about it being too cold for volcanoes because might as well cover the election, sure.
8:16 PM — It is simultaneously comforting and terrifying to know that the multi-million-dollar CNN operation is as slipshod and half-assed as Wonkette.
8:17 PM — Marco Rubio is giving his victory speech! (He won because the actual electable candidate quit the GOP, and then everybody in the Florida GOP was arrested for fraud and degeneracy.) Marco thanks God, and then Cubans, but not Cuba, which is the opposite of God.
8:19 PM — So Marco Rubio is a 23-year-old child-wingnut blogger, is that about right?
8:20 PM — Wow, so the Florida Senate race is actually about “what defines us a people,” Marco? The stakes are super big! And Kendrick Meek beat weirdo gazillionaire pimp Jeff Greene!
8:21 PM — Rick Sanchez clearly never saw or heard the name “Kendrick Meek” before this very moment. Good job sounding it out, Sanchez. Jesus christ ….
8:22 PM — Excuse us for a moment, while we make a Blingee for America.
8:34 PM — We went for an artistic Foto-Collage, because there wasn’t really a single photograph suitable for the whore-ish Blingee treatment.
8:37 PM — This is fascinating, on the CNN, watching someone who literally has no idea what he’s talking about try to fill airtime. You could see the nine brain cells almost bounce out of his eyeballs when he got to interrupt and talk about a wildfire in California.
8:39 PM — The “who cares” Florida gubernatorial GOP primary is Bill McCollum with 44% and Rick Scott with 46% and about 62% of the vote left to be counted or recounted or whatever.
8:40 PM — Awesome local-newscast bullshit skillz, Rick: “So John King … John, are you there? John? So what does this tell us about whatever the hell I’m reading off the laptop screen?”
8:42 PM — Maybe the Rachel Maddow show will have some results. Jesus god ….
8:45 PM — Speaking of Professor Maddow, she had a bit last night about the bogus “anti-incumbent fever sweepin’ the nation like fornication” nonsense, with all of seven incumbents losing so far out of 300+ primaries and runoffs. Why won’t the actual events of the news play nicely with the dumb narrative?
8:49 PM — We can’t deal with this jabbering clown on the CNN, not for a minute more. Good-bye, El Confusio.
8:50 PM — And once again proving the ANTI-INCUMBENT FEVER trope is, uh, wrong: Senator Patrick Leahy easily won his Vermont deal, so he can continue being the senator forever, or until The Batman vs. The Joker, Part III, the Final Outrage is filmed, and Leahy perishes. Do we have a picture of this? Yes, yes we do:
U.S. Sen. Patrick Leahy has easily won a spot on Vermont’s general election ballot.
The 70-year-old handily defeated political newcomer Daniel Freilich (FRY-lick) on Tuesday in the state’s Democratic primary. Leahy was first elected in 1974 and is now the Senate’s second-longest serving member.
9:00 PM — Dinner bell! Meaning, “your editor has to go cook dinner, and then consume it, along with the wine.” Back in a while with Arizona SMACKDOWN when, again, the incumbent will be victorious. He will also be Walnuts.
9:48 PM — Polls still open in the Oven State and the Snowbilly State, but we’ve got another ANTI-INCUMBENT FEVER story from Oklahoma, the Dust Bowl/Domestic Terrorism state: Two random non-incumbent Republicans beat two other random non-incumbent Republicans, and these people will run against Democrats in November. In one case, one of the Republicans will run against an incumbent Democrat. THERE IS YOUR ANTI-INCUMBENT FEVER, otherwise known as “political unknowns running against incumbents in the general election, just like always.”