primary time again!

Liveblogging Florida & Arizona, the Sun Cancer States!

It's a COLLAGE, you fucks!
Ha ha, so a couple of your Wonkette contributors were jabbering all day about doing liveblogging, and your editor said okay great but don’t kill yourselves because these “couple of primary/runoff things somewhere” do not exactly leave the nation or even the Wonkette Readership spellbound. And then of course nobody showed up to liveblog at all, because it takes very little to discourage America’s generation of underemployed English graduates. So join us for a few hours of very leisurely liveblogging as results trickle in like fat drops of Ambien-laden urine trickling down John McCain’s slacks.
8:57 PM — The headline on the non-story not coming true, courtesy of the Politico, which in large part invented the non-story: “Insurgents Sag.” You don’t say.
8:15 PM — Ha ha none of the cable news channels planned to cover this at all, and that idiot Rick Sanchez is on CNN, and somebody just told him to drop whatever “newscast” about it being too cold for volcanoes because might as well cover the election, sure.
8:16 PM — It is simultaneously comforting and terrifying to know that the multi-million-dollar CNN operation is as slipshod and half-assed as Wonkette.
8:17 PM — Marco Rubio is giving his victory speech! (He won because the actual electable candidate quit the GOP, and then everybody in the Florida GOP was arrested for fraud and degeneracy.) Marco thanks God, and then Cubans, but not Cuba, which is the opposite of God.
8:19 PM — So Marco Rubio is a 23-year-old child-wingnut blogger, is that about right?
8:20 PM — Wow, so the Florida Senate race is actually about “what defines us a people,” Marco? The stakes are super big! And Kendrick Meek beat weirdo gazillionaire pimp Jeff Greene!
8:21 PM — Rick Sanchez clearly never saw or heard the name “Kendrick Meek” before this very moment. Good job sounding it out, Sanchez. Jesus christ ….
8:22 PM — Excuse us for a moment, while we make a Blingee for America.
8:34 PM — We went for an artistic Foto-Collage, because there wasn’t really a single photograph suitable for the whore-ish Blingee treatment.
8:37 PM — This is fascinating, on the CNN, watching someone who literally has no idea what he’s talking about try to fill airtime. You could see the nine brain cells almost bounce out of his eyeballs when he got to interrupt and talk about a wildfire in California.
8:39 PM — The “who cares” Florida gubernatorial GOP primary is Bill McCollum with 44% and Rick Scott with 46% and about 62% of the vote left to be counted or recounted or whatever.
8:40 PM — Awesome local-newscast bullshit skillz, Rick: “So John King … John, are you there? John? So what does this tell us about whatever the hell I’m reading off the laptop screen?”
8:42 PM — Maybe the Rachel Maddow show will have some results. Jesus god ….
8:45 PM — Speaking of Professor Maddow, she had a bit last night about the bogus “anti-incumbent fever sweepin’ the nation like fornication” nonsense, with all of seven incumbents losing so far out of 300+ primaries and runoffs. Why won’t the actual events of the news play nicely with the dumb narrative?
8:49 PM — We can’t deal with this jabbering clown on the CNN, not for a minute more. Good-bye, El Confusio.
8:50 PM — And once again proving the ANTI-INCUMBENT FEVER trope is, uh, wrong: Senator Patrick Leahy easily won his Vermont deal, so he can continue being the senator forever, or until The Batman vs. The Joker, Part III, the Final Outrage is filmed, and Leahy perishes. Do we have a picture of this? Yes, yes we do:

All you people are fucked up something fierce.U.S. Sen. Patrick Leahy has easily won a spot on Vermont’s general election ballot.

The 70-year-old handily defeated political newcomer Daniel Freilich (FRY-lick) on Tuesday in the state’s Democratic primary. Leahy was first elected in 1974 and is now the Senate’s second-longest serving member.

9:00 PM — Dinner bell! Meaning, “your editor has to go cook dinner, and then consume it, along with the wine.” Back in a while with Arizona SMACKDOWN when, again, the incumbent will be victorious. He will also be Walnuts.
9:48 PM — Polls still open in the Oven State and the Snowbilly State, but we’ve got another ANTI-INCUMBENT FEVER story from Oklahoma, the Dust Bowl/Domestic Terrorism state: Two random non-incumbent Republicans beat two other random non-incumbent Republicans, and these people will run against Democrats in November. In one case, one of the Republicans will run against an incumbent Democrat. THERE IS YOUR ANTI-INCUMBENT FEVER, otherwise known as “political unknowns running against incumbents in the general election, just like always.”

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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60 comments

  1. Zikan

    Yeah. And RIck Scott has the CEO of the company that committed the largest Medicaid fraud in history!

  2. Johnny Zhivago

    Ken, you should just outsource all the writing to one of those call centers in India or Russia, where they write funny posts in between answering questions about Verizon cellphones or GE appliances.

  3. chascates

    From the Palm Beach whatever:
    Governor – Republican primary
    Bill McCollum (R) 43.6% (356,939 )
    Rick Scott (R) 46.1% (377,412 )
    Mike McCalister (R) 10.3% (84,201 )

    Meek wins Dem Senate nomination

  4. chascates

    Major cocksucker in second place:

    Florida
    GOP Primary, Governor
    46.1%
    Rick Scott
    43.5%
    B. McCollum
    10.4%
    M. McCalister

  5. bhosp

    The two words that tell you everything you need to know about the depth of the bench at CNN: “Rick Sanchez”. Campbell Brown got fired or quit or whatever, and Rick Sanchez was the best they could come up with.

  6. ifthethunderdontgetya"

    Why won’t the actual events of the news play nicely with the dumb narrative?

    It’s the damn narrative. It doesn’t like actual events, and won’t let actual events play with its toys.
    ~

  7. mdotsota

    Wait, who is that girl pictured in between the alligator and Marco Rubio? Does Walnuts have ANOTHER daughter with Meg’s sense of modesty? Is that the black McCain child Bush kept warning us about in 2000?

  8. Beowoof

    Wow if that cock sucker Rick Scott wins it going to cost me extra to take the grandkids to Disney, cause I am not going to Florida for any reason while that criminal is the Governor.

  9. Down Goes Frazier

    [re=644863]Beowoof[/re]: If political criminals impact your vacation choices, Florida has been off-limits pretty much since Ponce de Leon.

  10. WriteyWriterton

    “…like fat drops of Ambien-laden urine trickling down John McCain’s slacks.”

    Me likey. Let’s give McGollum, aka AG Smeagol, a last shove, sending his tiny little opportunistic corpse spinning into the abyss. Better, let’s hook him up with Rev. Rekers. The two deserve each other.

  11. RobPetrified

    A local columnist described the FL district 8 race as a contest among 7 republicans to decide whos liver will be served to Alan Grayson with fava beans and a fine Chianti.
    Ned Flanders and Jebus’ favorite, Daniel Webster, won that dubious honor.
    I’ll bet HE won’t taste like chicken!

  12. iburl

    Knock Knock.
    Who’s there?
    Emotionally unstable pants wetter.
    Emotionally unstable pants wetter Who?
    Glenn Beck.

  13. Radiotherapy

    Those are the nicest two thingies to rip out of OKLA HOMA in quite some time.
    Two Sooners?!!??

  14. dijetlo

    I wonder the same thing every time I watch CNN. Who is this Rick Sanchez person and why isn’t he a hard bodied stripper in a a latex cheerleader uniform participating in simulated acts of lesbian bondage with other random strippers from the New York area (or perhaps Snooki, as soon as she gets out of jail)? What are we worried about here? Gravitas? You fucking hired that mewling moron from Red State and Rick Sanchez. This is a hell of a time to start worrying about gravitas.
    Where’s the vision, CNN?

  15. ella

    I just saw the CNN guy (John King, I think) standing in front of their map and showing another map on an ifreakinPad. I guess the eraser board era is over.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    I just noticed that Lisa Murkowski looks like that lady who hangs out at the airport terminal and tries to get people to take some laxative. Or maybe it’s a stool softener — I usually find something else to focus on while she’s lecturing her captive yet apparently fascinated audience about how uncomfortable it is when you can’t poop.
    Anyway, she’s about to crush some favorite candidate of Sarah Palin, who will inevitably interpret this as a sign from The LORD that just hasn’t been crazy enough. If she really believed in her sacred mission, she could be wildly insane and still win elections. And yes, she’s holding back — I absolutely 100% believe she’s been hiding that extra-crazy lamp under a bushel.

  17. Seek

    It’s not just a collage, Ken, It’s a fucking work of art. It goes beautifully with the poetry that is this line “like fat drops of Ambien-laden urine trickling down John McCain’s slacks.” Who knew I would get so much culture in one liveblog post.

  18. Hutch

    I am so happy that Rick Scott lost. What a total douchebag! At least I won’t have to watch his obnoxious commercials for another three months. They made me upchuck every morning.

  19. BarackMyWorld

    I don’t know who this person running against Lisa Murkowski is, but if Sarah Palin were a rational human with an interest in having a real political future (instead of being an overpaid spokeswoman for the idiot wing of the party), she’d be running for that Senate seat herself.

  20. facehead

    8:22 PM — Excuse us for a moment, while we make a Blingee for America.
    8:34 PM — We went for an artistic Foto-Collage, because there wasn’t really a single photograph suitable for the whore-ish Blingee treatment.

    Are we to believe you made this entire collage in less than 12 minutes?

    When will the lies stop Mr. Layne?

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Oh look — there are apparently Democratic senatorial candidates from Arizona too. I have no idea if any of them has a chance, but it would be some sweet justice if Randy Parraz, who got into the race over SB1070, beat his ass. And don’t bother saying anything about how ridiculous that sounds — I can fantasize for a little bit. Hell, any Democrat beating John McCain would be fine with me.

  22. sati demise

    [re=644904]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Parraz is even for teh gays. It would be so great if he could win the whole shooting match.
    All the fuckin olds here would die sooner, or move to South Carolina.

  23. Undeterredbyreality

    Why are you going back in time from 8:57 to 8:15? Do you know something we don’t? Are you trying to fuck up the continuum?

  24. SayItWithWookies

    [re=644914]sati demise[/re]: It would be cool to see more liberal representation. And Mo Udall was from AZ, so it’s not unheard-of. I still cling to this hope — though it’s been fainter lately — that the Dems will hold onto both houses, which should amount to a repudiation of the damn GOP, whose spokesloons are already starting to strut about how many seats they’ll be picking up. Hell, that idjit Dick Morris was on Assity’s radio show this afternoon predicting the Republicans will win 70 seats in the House and have a 51-49 majority in the Senate. Which is lunacy even by Republican standards, but he’ll manage to forget he ever said that if it doesn’t work out.

  25. Hutch

    [re=644904]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh, dear lord. Well, good for Alex Sink! I guess. Gawd, I hate his commercials. I hope he doesn’t have too many millions to spend on more.

  26. V572625694

    Wow, WALNUTS! seems to be eking out a 59-30 win over Hayworth. Good thing he sold his soul to win. It was never even close…what a moran he was/is! The whole 2008 presidential campaign was worth it just because it shattered his war-hero façade.

  27. SayItWithWookies

    [re=644922]Hutch[/re]: I saw the number $172 mil, so yeah, it should still be a tough race for Sink.

    And is AZ’s Dem Senate primary not today, or is just nobody reporting on it? TPM and CNN seem to have nothing on it.

  28. Enslave the Whales

    [re=644917]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I have mixed feelings about the Scott win. (And I don’t live in FL so what I think is meaningless, anyhow).

    You’d think that it would be an advantage to Sink to be running against the poster boy for health-insurance fraud. But OTOH, he has buttloads of ill-gotten moolah to throw into adverts, and 46% of Republicans evidently think he’s quite all right, which confuses me because I can’t believe that 46% of all Florida Republicans are retired fraudulent con-man CEOs, which seems to be Scott’s natural base.

    Ah, well, at least the Dems puked on Jeff Greene.

  29. Enslave the Whales

    [re=644924]V572625694[/re]: This is a primary where the only good outcome would be simultaneous lightning strikes.

  30. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=644917]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Thanks for the link Wook…, It is nice to see that the Florida GOP is going for an out and out criminal a true Republican not a Muslim RINO.

  31. gurukalehuru

    [re=644919]SayItWithWookies[/re]: My predictions: a)Sometime between now and November,John John wets his pants in public. b)at least one Republican candidate claims to have been abducted and sexually molested by aliens c) Democrats pick up seats in house, go over 60 in Senate, not that it will make any real difference

  32. Miss Kublik

    As usual, the media just doesn’t get it. These primaries aren’t about anti-incumbency rage. They’re all about the Burlington Coat Factory Mosque being two floors under 9/11 and just around the corner from the sacred PATH station of the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey.

  33. Guppy06

    Meanwhile, in the Florida state house district 33 Libertarian primary, Franklin Perez beat out Ellen Paul 49 to 19.

    The system works!

  34. BarackMyWorld

    Lisa Murkowski is losing so far.

    Her opponent actually seems like a well-educated (degrees in law and economics) and qualified person (decorated combat veterant and former U.S. Magistrate Judge) to hold that office.

    I’m not sure how he got mixed up with Palin and the Tea Party, if that’s the case.

  35. Jukesgrrl

    Marco Rubio tells Floridians the election is about “what defines us a people.” And by “people” he means only those who are not black or orange.

  36. WriteyWriterton

    [re=644999]Jukesgrrl[/re]: The sooner Floridians suck up/poison the last of the Everglades, the sooner we can be shot of their politics, especially their contribution to the 2000 Presidential election.

  37. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=644852]chascates[/re]: I’m no conservative, but I have to say that I’m rooting for Crist. It’d be nice for the Senate to have an actual conservative to offset the gaggle of fascist child molesters under the Republican label.

  38. GOPCrusher

    [re=644919]SayItWithWookies[/re]: This election is eerily reminiscent of 2008. With the Republiklans beating themselves on the chests over how they were going to win the Presidency and both houses of Congress. And the “pundits” telling the American public just how close the election was going to be. And then September hit and the bottom fell out of everything for the Republiklans, best personified by Michele Bachmann going on Hardball with her “Congress needs to be investigated for anti-American activities” rant.
    Today, it looks like the Tea Baggers are collapsing in on themselves and shortly after Labor Day, the American electorate are going to start paying attention and realize that the Republiklans really have no message or plan.

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