Ben Quayle Gets Parents To Send Out E-mails Defending Him, Allegedly Once Ate Cockroach

  w-i-l-l-i-e h-o-r-t-o-n-e

How To Eat Fried CockroachesBen Quayle has had a tough primary season, making headlines for his weird automaton campaign ad and stealing children and for once making comments on a website called “Dirty Scottsdale.” That latter thing has been used in attack ads by one of his opponents, which apparently hurt his feelings, as his parents have had to come to his rescue and send out separate e-mails defending him to supporters in advance of today’s primary in AZ-3. “I have never in my 35 years of politics seen such an ugly, slanderous assault in the closing days of a campaign against a fellow Republican,” wrote Dan Quayle, being careful to include the words “against a fellow Republican.” But, more importantly, Wonkette operative “Derek T.” has written us with an account of a time Ben Quayle ate a chicken-fried cockroach in school.

I was amused to see that Ben Quayle is running for congress somewhere (Arizona, apparently). Lord knows what he has to do with that state (hint: even less than Harold Ford has to do with TN/NY/etc.). I went to school with Quayle at St. Albans here in DC. I didn’t really know him — he was just another bland white kid — but I do have a funny story for you:

At St. Albans everyone ate lunch together in a big wood paneled lunch room, where the names of all the graduates back to like 1905 are written on the wall in gold paint. We had chicken nuggets every once in a while. One day we were having chicken nuggets for lunch and Ben Quayle chomped down on one and it was actually a breaded and fried roach, not a chicken nugget. I don’t think it was intentional on anyone’s part, just one of those things that happens in food service, but it happened. Ben Quayle ate a fried roach. At his tony prep school in DC.

There you go. Congress may well have its first cockroach-eating Internet-commenter. [Salon]

Related

 
Related video

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

47 comments

  1. rafflesinc

    “Ben Quayle Gets Parents To Send Out E-mails Defending Him, Allegedly Once Ate Cockroach”

    He actually ate cock but his dad appended roach to the end.

  2. gurukalehuru

    It’s not so bad that his father had to come to his defense (see Paul, Ron and Rand). The embarrassing part is that his father doesn’t know how to spell potato.

  3. One Yield Regular

    The fault, dear Ben, is not in our cockroaches, but in ourselves eating a chicken nugget in the first place.

  4. chascates

    Come the Revolution offspring of all celebrities will be given the choice of seeking a different path in life or following in their parents’ footsteps after having their sexual organs removed.

    Tough, but fair.

  5. joementum

    That picture of Benny-boy up above actually looks like my Phoenix dwelling brother in law.
    I guess the slack-jawed, glazed-eyed look is popular there.

  6. obfuscator

    [re=644470]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: i believe that “differently abled” is the preferred nomenclature for mouthbreathers.

  7. JMP

    “In my 35 years of politics…” shows that Danforth is just as bad with the math as he is with the spelling. 93-77=16, not 35. And being an irrelevant has-been and occasional punchline is not being “in politics”.

  8. Brick Oven Bill

    Here we have a typical sheltered member of the political class that cannot be trusted. It appears that he might be gay. When considering people in whom you can place trust, look to the ones who get drunk, seek out spiders, and eat them. These are the individuals who will return loyalty.

  9. V572625694

    [re=644469]joementum[/re]: The sun addles their brains. It’s gonna be 110 degrees in Phoenix today (104 right now), with occasional thunderstorms. Why are people there? No jobs, no water, no shade.

  10. chascates

    [re=644480]V572625694[/re]: I think the oldz like it because of the blood thinners they’re all on. Plus everyone moves really slowly.

  11. Extemporanus

    Hey, Willie and the Hor-tones are playing at the Martini Ranch out on East Stetson Drive this Sunday!

    Show starts at noon, and ladies without a tramp stamp get in for free — see ya there, dirrrty Crotchdalians!

  12. iburl

    I remember getting up really early on the day that George Bush the Elder vomited all over the God-Emperor of Japan. The TeeVee peeples was in a fair state of panic (as was I) for about an hour thinking that we might be ruled by Dan Quayle. I was already packing my bags for México.

  13. bored with gravity

    We can haz liveblogging of this cock(roach) eater’s primary tonight? Also Walnuts, also.

  14. jus_wonderin

    “I have nevr inn my 35 yeers of politics seen such an uglee, slandarous asalt in the closeing days of a campain against a fellowe Republican.”

  15. JMP

    [re=644490]iburl[/re]: How little could we suspect that Quayle would prove to be an intellectual titan compared to the next Republican President.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Every time I think the teabaggers have reached their lowest point, they find someplace worse to go. Governor Cake-Out-In-the-Rain claims illegal aliens are beheading Arizonans? Hell that’s nothing — some fake reporter claims Mexican drug gangs are taking over Texas ranches. Hell that’s nothing — some GOP functionary screams that Hamas terrorists are crossing the border disguised as Mexicans to give birth to babies with US citizenship so they can come back and blow up America. And now comes ol’ Benny here, with “I had to get my dad, Dan fucking Quayle, to defend my reputation.” Next career move? Marrying Bristol Palin for her talent.

  17. Monsieur Fighting Grumpe

    Some people will eat anything as long as it’s deep fried. Ever been to a State Fair? I rest my case.

  18. Mad Brahms

    [re=644504]SayItWithWookies[/re]: He’s not enough of a celebutard for Bristol. Mercede, maybe (and not the awkward “e” usage, which should please the folks).

  19. PsycGirl

    [re=644464]rafflesinc[/re]: THAT was funny.

    Also: A quick perusal of St. Albans shows current tuition at close to $35,000/year. And yet they’re serving deep-fried chicken nugget?

  20. Berkeley Bear

    [re=644485]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Marilyn wouldn’t know what a washing machine looks like, much less how to use one. Her family had the money and connections to get Dipshit J. elected to the Senate from Indiana.

  21. Lascauxcaveman

    Chicken McNuggets vs. Roach McNuggets. Hmmm, pretty close on the nutritional value, with the roach edging out the chicken with slightly more protein and a lot less fat, by weight.

  22. schwnj

    I live in AZ — you should see his TV ads. In one of them, is starts off with a closeup of his face, as he slowly and sternly states in his best “tough-guy” voice: BARACK OBAMA IS THE WORST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY. He then says he’s going to go to DC and “knock the hell out of them,” which I encourage the secret service to investigate as a threat against the President.

  23. Poochie

    Demon spawn whose old man said: “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” Poetry in motion.

  24. joementum

    [re=644480]V572625694[/re]: I do everything humanly possible to not have to visit. It’s down to once every two years, but it’s too much! Johnny Mac can have ‘em!

  25. Extemporanus

    [re=644464]rafflesinc[/re]: [re=644513]gradgrind[/re]: These two winners work beautifully together.

  26. Accordion-o-rama

    Learning to bite down on something wriggly and disgusting without gagging is basic training for dealing with lobbyists. Start ‘em young, that’s how political dynasties are built.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    If only the children of U.S. vice presidents could just fade into obscurity. Except maybe Kristin Gore, but only if she goes back to writing for “Futurama.” I don’t want that to get cancelled again.

  28. zhubajie

    [re=644485]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: No, the Costa Rican maid does. Maybe she hauls his ashes, too.

  29. zhubajie

    [re=645089]fork-wielding maniac[/re]: I lived in Bloomington, Indiana for five years and it was kinda fun, but far less enlightened/progressive/educated than my native Iowa. I kept hearing phrases that I had thought died with Mark Twain like “Thanks! That’s mighty white of you!” or “Nigger knocker” for a club. The usual response when someone like me pointed out the low level of education or something was “we’re still better than Kentucky!” as if that were something hard or unusual.

  30. zhubajie

    If Ben Quayle is asking Dan Quayle for political help, Ben probably isn’t too smart, either!

Comments are closed.