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Your flesh will tingle when it touches her signatureObviously, the most erotic thing anyone could possibly imagine would be actually touching the flesh of Sarah Palin, America’s sex goddess. But only Todd gets to do this, because Jesus united them in marriage and now no man or woman may come between their nude, aroused flesh. The closest a non-Todd person could get to touching Sarah Palin would be to touch a thing that she touched. Obviously Sarah doesn’t just go around touching things all day (mostly she is carried aloft on a litter by four oiled, nubile manservants), and therefore the number of Sarah-touched items is limited, and valuable. That’s why this college hockey jersey that Palin not only touched but wrote on (just like her hand!) is well worth the $4,850 price it’s already reached on eBay, with five more days to go in the auction!

You would think that a University of North Dakota jersey signed by Sarah Palin would be the North Dakota Republican Party’s most treasured possession! And maybe it is, but the North Dakota Republican Party needs cash, so you should buy this thing and put it in a nice display case and hang it up in your knotty pine “man cave” downstairs, for masturbatory purposes. It also comes with a “certificate of authenticity,” from a genuine Sarah Palin handwriting expert, because you don’t want to get one of those fake Palin-signed hockey jerseys that are always cluttering up the market. Just don’t pay with PayPal! “THE NDGOP DOES NOT HAVE A PAYPAL ACCOUNT.” (Perhaps their inability to put a “donate here” PayPal button on their website accounts for their need to sell off their beloved Palin jersey?)

It goes without saying that the “Fighting Sioux” mascot was not particularly beloved by actual Sioux people, and the name was recently retired. But Sarah Palin only demands “sensitivity” for victims of terrorist attacks, not victims of genocide. [eBay]

Thanks to Fighting Wonkette Operative “Monsieur Grumpe” for the tip!

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34 COMMENTS

  1. Many years ago Tom Patchett and Jay Tarses used to be comedians — they later became teevee sitcom producers or something — and had a hilarious routine about what a sports report would be like if the Indians had become the dominant culture. All the teams were named with racial epithets. Wish I could find a Youtube….

  2. I have a Tom Tancredo signed Quick-Draw McGraw and Baba Louie coloring book. Is that worth thousands? What about my Larry Craig signed Liza Minelli concert shirt? What am I bid for this Sharon Angle signed rubber chicken?

  3. My illegal custodian uncle found John Boner’s cum rag in the Congressional restroom. It’s real because it’s also stained with real life Boehner orange tanning lotion. I bet that’s worth a million dollars because he’s the leader of the GOP.

  4. [re=644281]Monsieur Fighting Grumpe[/re]: Real for sure! I hope whoever buys this holy relic can afford to have it stored in a climate controlled display case like the one they use for the shroud of Turin. And if you view the jersey under black light you can clearly see the imprint of Sarah’s (original) boobies!

  5. Winona LaDuke’s autograph on a “Lazy Fat Crackers” competitive food eating jersey only fetches $20.00. Always with the inequality this country.

  6. i scrambled to create an account just so i could say: holy fuck, the North Dakota Republican Party’s eBay seller name is ‘rmnixon37’.

    that is all.

  7. It’s not just her signature that makes the shirt so pricey — it’s her signature on a jersey of a college she’s never attended. When you’ve been to 3/4 of America’s institutions of higher learning for a semester or so, and given birth at a considerable fraction of those, a jersey from North Dakota U. is a precious thing. She only has to defile a few more and her mission to completely discredit knowledge and education will be complete.

  8. Is UND where Levi played hockey while knocking up whats-her-name? Maybe that’s the jersey he was wearing the night Trig was conceived via a quickie under the bleachers between periods of a hockey game!

  9. Oh god, oh god, your description of Palin-sex did what years of Jebus-school never could…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get it up again.

  10. I know caricatures of Native Americans can be seen as insensitive. I know the man who funded their arena was an outspoken bigot who threw Nazi themed parties. But those jerseys were effin’ cool. Now if only you could wash that retard’s signature off…

  11. [re=644333]pthhh[/re]: I’m with you. How could the Sioux get pissed off about that jersey when they made ’em look so bad-ass? C’mon Sioux, get with the program! We all know you love teh hockey.

  12. In addition to not having a PayPal account, it appears the NDGOP does not have postal service, either: Shipping: Local Pickup.

    I also notice that NDGOP’s only prior eBay experience was buying from someone in China who sells various cheap knockoff cell phone gear. From this, I conclude the NDGOP is a Communist front organization.

  13. Whatever the chillbilly’s ultimate fate, you, Wonkette, are responsible for her current prominence. If you hadn’t labeled her a GILF, she would still just be the commander-in-chief of the Alaska National Guard, our first line of defense against the Soviet threat.

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