A++++++  11:28 am August 24, 2010

L@@K! Palin-Signed Racial Caricature Can Be Yours For Only $5K

by Josh Fruhlinger

Your flesh will tingle when it touches her signatureObviously, the most erotic thing anyone could possibly imagine would be actually touching the flesh of Sarah Palin, America’s sex goddess. But only Todd gets to do this, because Jesus united them in marriage and now no man or woman may come between their nude, aroused flesh. The closest a non-Todd person could get to touching Sarah Palin would be to touch a thing that she touched. Obviously Sarah doesn’t just go around touching things all day (mostly she is carried aloft on a litter by four oiled, nubile manservants), and therefore the number of Sarah-touched items is limited, and valuable. That’s why this college hockey jersey that Palin not only touched but wrote on (just like her hand!) is well worth the $4,850 price it’s already reached on eBay, with five more days to go in the auction!

You would think that a University of North Dakota jersey signed by Sarah Palin would be the North Dakota Republican Party’s most treasured possession! And maybe it is, but the North Dakota Republican Party needs cash, so you should buy this thing and put it in a nice display case and hang it up in your knotty pine “man cave” downstairs, for masturbatory purposes. It also comes with a “certificate of authenticity,” from a genuine Sarah Palin handwriting expert, because you don’t want to get one of those fake Palin-signed hockey jerseys that are always cluttering up the market. Just don’t pay with PayPal! “THE NDGOP DOES NOT HAVE A PAYPAL ACCOUNT.” (Perhaps their inability to put a “donate here” PayPal button on their website accounts for their need to sell off their beloved Palin jersey?)

It goes without saying that the “Fighting Sioux” mascot was not particularly beloved by actual Sioux people, and the name was recently retired. But Sarah Palin only demands “sensitivity” for victims of terrorist attacks, not victims of genocide. [eBay]

Thanks to Fighting Wonkette Operative “Monsieur Grumpe” for the tip!


Hola wonkerados.

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Baldar T Flagass August 24, 2010 at 11:35 am

“But Sarah Palin only demands “sensitivity” for victims of terrorist attacks.”

And fucking retards, also.

V572625694 August 24, 2010 at 11:37 am

Many years ago Tom Patchett and Jay Tarses used to be comedians — they later became teevee sitcom producers or something — and had a hilarious routine about what a sports report would be like if the Indians had become the dominant culture. All the teams were named with racial epithets. Wish I could find a Youtube….

iburl August 24, 2010 at 11:40 am

I have a Tom Tancredo signed Quick-Draw McGraw and Baba Louie coloring book. Is that worth thousands? What about my Larry Craig signed Liza Minelli concert shirt? What am I bid for this Sharon Angle signed rubber chicken?

JMP August 24, 2010 at 11:41 am

Josh, do you have any brain breach for us after reading that first paragraph about touching that? Ew, ew, ew, ew.

Monsieur Fighting Grumpe August 24, 2010 at 11:43 am

Are those real Sarah stains or fake Sarah stains on the shirt? Just wondering.

El Pinche August 24, 2010 at 11:43 am

My illegal custodian uncle found John Boner’s cum rag in the Congressional restroom. It’s real because it’s also stained with real life Boehner orange tanning lotion. I bet that’s worth a million dollars because he’s the leader of the GOP.

Diamante August 24, 2010 at 11:45 am


Ruhe August 24, 2010 at 11:55 am

[re=644281]Monsieur Fighting Grumpe[/re]: Real for sure! I hope whoever buys this holy relic can afford to have it stored in a climate controlled display case like the one they use for the shroud of Turin. And if you view the jersey under black light you can clearly see the imprint of Sarah’s (original) boobies!

WarAndGee August 24, 2010 at 11:56 am

Winona LaDuke’s autograph on a “Lazy Fat Crackers” competitive food eating jersey only fetches $20.00. Always with the inequality this country.

fivestargeneralist August 24, 2010 at 12:00 pm

i scrambled to create an account just so i could say: holy fuck, the North Dakota Republican Party’s eBay seller name is ‘rmnixon37′.

that is all.

jus_wonderin August 24, 2010 at 12:02 pm

I bet we could sell Sarah Palin Toliet Seats. Probably even the TP too. Come on Wonketteers, let’s make capitalism work for us.

AnnieGetYourFun August 24, 2010 at 12:05 pm

Is the University of North Dakota one of Palin’s 10 or 12 alma maters?

SayItWithWookies August 24, 2010 at 12:12 pm

It’s not just her signature that makes the shirt so pricey — it’s her signature on a jersey of a college she’s never attended. When you’ve been to 3/4 of America’s institutions of higher learning for a semester or so, and given birth at a considerable fraction of those, a jersey from North Dakota U. is a precious thing. She only has to defile a few more and her mission to completely discredit knowledge and education will be complete.

Oblios Cap August 24, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Is UND where Levi played hockey while knocking up whats-her-name? Maybe that’s the jersey he was wearing the night Trig was conceived via a quickie under the bleachers between periods of a hockey game!

DespicableDarwinistFaggot August 24, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Oh god, oh god, your description of Palin-sex did what years of Jebus-school never could…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get it up again.

pthhh August 24, 2010 at 12:23 pm

I know caricatures of Native Americans can be seen as insensitive. I know the man who funded their arena was an outspoken bigot who threw Nazi themed parties. But those jerseys were effin’ cool. Now if only you could wash that retard’s signature off…

North of Moscow August 24, 2010 at 12:25 pm

This will go great with my Madonna pap smear.

Baldar T Flagass August 24, 2010 at 12:26 pm

[re=644333]pthhh[/re]: Best Racial Caricature Evah: University of Northern Colorado Fighting Whities.

jus_wonderin August 24, 2010 at 12:33 pm

If you look very closely at this, you can plainly see it is a knockers off.

bobwurst August 24, 2010 at 12:36 pm

I’d pay $5,000 for her autograph, on her severed hand. Think of the fun you could have with that in the middle of the night.

Can O Whoopass August 24, 2010 at 12:41 pm

Palin only has sympathy for genocidal murderers, dope addicts, pregnant sea cucumbers and brainless Bush family child rapists.

Lascauxcaveman August 24, 2010 at 12:49 pm

[re=644333]pthhh[/re]: I’m with you. How could the Sioux get pissed off about that jersey when they made ‘em look so bad-ass? C’mon Sioux, get with the program! We all know you love teh hockey.

Suds McKenzie August 24, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Rich Lowry will look adorable when he wears it on Christmas morning as a onesy.

jodyleek August 24, 2010 at 1:06 pm

So, by the looks of it, that shirt says “Sioux Sarah Palin”.

Mahousu August 24, 2010 at 1:17 pm

In addition to not having a PayPal account, it appears the NDGOP does not have postal service, either: Shipping: Local Pickup.

I also notice that NDGOP’s only prior eBay experience was buying from someone in China who sells various cheap knockoff cell phone gear. From this, I conclude the NDGOP is a Communist front organization.

TeddyS August 24, 2010 at 1:20 pm

How much for the shirt without the graffiti?

Diggity Dawg August 24, 2010 at 1:23 pm

“touching the flesh of Sarah Palin, America’s sex goddess”

Fucknut, I’m trying to eat lunch over here.

momus August 24, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Whatever the chillbilly’s ultimate fate, you, Wonkette, are responsible for her current prominence. If you hadn’t labeled her a GILF, she would still just be the commander-in-chief of the Alaska National Guard, our first line of defense against the Soviet threat.

One Yield Regular August 24, 2010 at 2:17 pm

I’ll bet you 100-to-1 that she’s signed at least one Confederate flag.

GOPCrusher August 24, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Actually the reports of UND changing their mascot name are greatly exaggerated. The indigenous people of the area had voted in favor of the university to keep the Fighting Sioux name.

Extemporanus August 24, 2010 at 4:53 pm

How the hell did the North Dakota GOP get their hands on Sarah Palin’s endorsement of Nikki Haley?

Accordion-o-rama August 24, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Life ain’t easy for a team named Sioux.

zhubajie August 24, 2010 at 8:20 pm

Does Mrs. Palin (or Todd) support independence for the Republic of Lakota?

transfatz August 26, 2010 at 5:31 am

Does it come with two pairs of nitrile gloves?

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