Rand Paul ‘Money Bomb’ Not As Much As It Was Supposed To Be; Now His Campaign Is Over

  pepsi challenge

These five people and two glasses of Pepsi are tired of this joke.“Republican Rand Paul’s latest money bomb appears to have, well, bombed.” HIGH FIVE! You did it, Politico! Yes, Rand Paul had one of these “money bomb” things, which are supposed to attract media attention and make supporters self-flagellate for just how much they love their favorite politicians. Rand Paul set out to top the $436,000 he raised in a money bomb last August, but this time he only raised $258,000! This is an important midterm bellwether, because it shows Republicans are no longer interested in their candidates. This whole mosque thing is going to blow up (LIKE A MONEY BOMB) in the party’s face, because Republican voters are going to write in “9/11 NOT mosks” for every office on their ballots.

Since Paul won the general election, however, he’s had trouble keeping up the enthusiasm from his online activist base and tea party members. In a Facebook friend drive earlier this month, Paul’s campaign aimed to get 100,000 people to sign up for his Web page — but fell about 40,000 people short.

Obviously Rand Paul needs to tell the Teabaggers that Muslims are secretly building mosques in their rectums, and the only way to make them stop is by signing over their Social Security and disability checks to him. [Politico]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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38 comments

  1. SmutBoffin

    Someone has abandoned their worship of Aqua Buddha and has been smoted! Probably consuming proscribed beverages, like Pepsi, and filling the bong w/ice (AN ABOMINATION) instead of good ol’ holy liquid H2O.

    SAVE RAND PAULZ AQUA MAN

  2. Ducksworthy

    [re=643801]mdotsota[/re]: Yes. Apparently this Shira person is permanently in the future. This allows Politico to always win the morning.

  3. V572625694

    The teabaggers interest in Rand flagged when a new episode of “The Knife Collector’s Show” appeared on HSN.

  4. x111e7thst

    [re=643813]V572625694[/re]: In certain circles the lure of a dozen Schrade seconds has a very strong appeal

  5. Hopey dont play that game

    Somebody forgot to rub Aqua Buddha’s belly. That’s how I got this totally boss Member’s Only jacket.

  6. JMP

    Silly Rand, thinking the teabaggers actually have the attention span to keep supporting his campaign all the way through. They’ve moved on to newer and slimier crazed politician wannabes.

    [re=643801]mdotsota[/re]: No wonder no one’s given Rand any money; what’s the point when the election’s over.

  7. slappypaddy

    “Rand Paul needs to tell the Teabaggers that Muslims are secretly building mosques in their rectums”

    won’t work. to begin with, that “rectum” word is too fancy, they won’t understand it, and the assertion is too obscure. here’s a variation that may work:

    “THE TERRRISS ARE COMING RIGHT NOW!! THEY’RE GONNA FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!!!! WAKE UP, SHEEPEL!!11! THEY ARE GOIUNG TO FUCK YOU IN THE ASS, DIDDIN ALL YALL HEAR ME??!? GIMME MONEYS SO I CAN SAVE YOU11!”

    there that one might work. it’s all right, it’s on the house.

  8. DoktorZoom

    It’s “bellwether,” not “bellweather.” Has nothing to do meteorology, according to the wikipaedia: “The term is derived from the Middle English bellewether and refers to the practice of placing a bell around the neck of a castrated ram (a wether) leading his flock of sheep.[1][2] The movements of the flock could be noted by hearing the bell before the flock was in sight.”

    Keep our spelling grouded in reality.

  9. Barcode of the Apocalypse

    Time for Rand Paul to go up in the Tower and announce that God is holding him for ransom — YOU MUST CONTRIBUTE OR RAND PAUL DIES!!!!! Worked for Oral Roberts.

  10. anonymousryan

    [re=643813]V572625694[/re]: That’s not funny. I’ve watched that show for like half an hour just marveling at the stupid shit they’re selling. Who buys jars of knives!? Who would even package knives that way?!?

  11. Extemporanus

    [re=643841]weejee[/re]: Yeah, sorta…I am quite fond of the Mustard-y one, though — maybe I’ll reserve it for Jack-penned posts.

    (Also, the computational device and browser via which one comments can affect which avatard appears with said comment, though it doesn’t seem consistent enough for me to fully get a handle on it. That’s how one of my comments got tard-jacked by an ancient fucking acorn icon this weekend.)

  12. iburl

    The teabaggers with money can see him selling them out because of all the Mitch McConnel footseying and shell-play.

  13. Maus

    HA HA Ron Paul you fucking idiot. Now that you’ve legitimized the GOP-astroturf Tea Party they’ve taken over your rEVOLutionary label and now drain all the slack-jaws’ cash before they can make it to your “money bombs”.

  14. joementum

    I think the point was missed here. He was given $258,000 that could have been spent on Cheez Whiz and Slim Jims. The base has not given up on him!

  15. An Outhouse

    Do 100,000 people even live in Kentucky? Maybe Rand should check the stats on the state he wants to represent before goes shooting off his P.R. releases.

  16. bbqboy

    [re=643925]joementum[/re]:
    …but the missing in action $178,000 WAS spent on Moonshine, Moonpies, and Cigarettes.
    Cheez Whiz and Slim Jims, sure but pry these moonpies from my cold dead hands…

  17. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    What has happened to today’s Republican party if sheer lunacy and racism cannot attack money? Will Sarah Palin soon have to get a real job?

  18. gurukalehuru

    Freedumb isn’t free, morans!!! Give all your money to Rand Paul!!! Then give the rest to Sharron Angle!!!

  19. Jukesgrrl

    Jennifer Aniston’s movie bombed this weekend, too. Even O’Reilly hating on her didn’t get ticket-buying America interested. Maybe she and Rand could get together for a hike on the Appalachian Trail. I could enjoy my required Sex Scandal of the Month, Jen could piss off Brad, and Rand could stick his weenie in something other men would be jealous of for the first time in his entire life. Win-Win-Win … kaboom.

  20. BarackMyWorld

    Charlie Cook was on TV this weekend saying the Republicans were probably going to take control of the House with this election, make a huge gain in the Senate, and that the Democrats’ money advantage didn’t matter.

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