AFA: Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter Need To Hurry Up and Hate Gays Again

by Jack Stuef

HENGH.Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter have surprised people lately, by seeming to be pretty tolerant of the gays. But don’t expect that tolerance to get past the Jesus fishes at the American Family Association! These teevee pundits have gone “AWOL in the culture war,” going from “sexually normal” soldiers for Christendom to veritable illegally gay laissez-faire (the French word for “gay”) soldiers, according to the AFA. “If Homocon is Elliott Spitzer, you are in danger of becoming the Ashley Dupre of the conservative movement,” they say of Coulter. Somebody call Krauthammer! We’ve found a brilliant analogist! (Haha, “anal-ogist.”)

Martin Luther once said that the central test on the battlefield is the soldier’s response in the face of the most pointed attack of the enemy:

“If I profess, with the loudest voice and the clearest exposition, every portion of the truth of God except precisely that little point which the world and the devil are at that moment attacking, I am not confessing Christ, however boldly I may be professing Christianity.”

BOOYAH, OTHER CENTURIES-OLD FIGURES! It’s funny, though, AFA, that the followers of Martin Luther, the Lutherans, allow non-celibate gay pastors now. And also Martin Luther wrote a bunch of anti-Semitic stuff. But whatever, GOOD GUY TO QUOTE.

Let’s be clear: endorsing homosexual behavior is not a conservative position. Period. Supporting special rights based on aberrant sexual behavior is not conservative, period. Supporting either civil unions or marriages based entirely on using the alimentary canal for sexual purposes is not conservative, period.

Let’s be clear: the AFA has an obsession with rectums. “Marriages based entirely on using the alimentary canal for sexual purposes”? That is terrific. AFA, stop staring at the gays’ asses! There is more to gay marriage, isn’t there? Such as MURDERING OUR PRECIOUS INNOCENT CHILDREN?

Even Darwinian evolutionists know better than to believe there is something healthy about homosexual conduct. They know it cannot lead to the propagation of the species, which, after all, is what evolution is supposed to be all about.

Oh okay, so the gays are against evolution. That must be fun for you, AFA, having the gays as your creationist pals. Gays prove evolution isn’t real!

You will be received with a standing ovation for pandering to a group that wants to put open homosexuals in the same showers and barracks with sexually normal soldiers (priority #4) and is fiercely opposed to any attempt to elevate protection for natural marriage to the Constitution (priority #7 – see here).

Oh no! Our normal soldiers are going to see those sexy gay butts and become obsessed with alimentary canals, just like the AFA is!

“Natural” marriage is under threat! NATURE! Things of the opposite sex have been getting married since adult male amoebas married adult female amoebas and adult male triceratops married adult female triceratops and adult male cavemen married adult female cavemen! The natural order is in chaos, because of Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter!

Bottom line: August 27 is the Rubicon for Glenn Beck, and September 25 for Ann Coulter.

Hey those people bought ads on your Wonkette a few weeks back! Should be a good show. [AFA]

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Way Cool Larry August 20, 2010 at 5:51 pm

It’s alimentary, my dear Watson.


Aurelio August 20, 2010 at 5:52 pm

Okay, so homosexuality is a conservative abomination. At least that’s clear. What would Obama say about it? Would it be like the Ground Zero Mosque/Muslim Family Fun Center? “They have a right to do it, but it might not be wise”? August 20, 2010 at 5:56 pm

There is no way to make the words “alimentary canal” hawt.

edgydrifter August 20, 2010 at 5:58 pm

Yeah, but oral is still OK, right? Because you’re putting stuff into the end of the alimentary canal that stuff is supposed to go into. It’s basically the same thing as feeding. And a bathroom handy is cool, too, because hands are gender-neutral. Sure, that hand under the divider looks all gnarled and hairy, but it MIGHT be a lady-hand, so game-on, yes?

mumblyjoe August 20, 2010 at 5:58 pm

To be fair, “alimentary canal” also means they hate blowjobs, particularly if deepthroating is involved. Handjobs, footjobs, scissoring, and the like however, are fine, because the “alimentary canal”, i.e, digestive tract, is not involved. Anal fisting is apparently somewhat of a grey area, though, again, vaginal fisting is fine.


Min2.0 August 20, 2010 at 6:04 pm

If I ever have a rock band, I’m going to name it Sexually Normative Soldiers.

Airborne Toxic Event August 20, 2010 at 6:10 pm

We are all overwhelmed by the unstoppable animal magnetism of the gays. There is no doubt that, once legal restrictions are removed, we will all become powerless against our gay desires. We will do nothing but crave gay. We will give up our craven hetero lifestyles–our wives/husbands, children, Xboxes, minty fresh breath–to homosexually enter all the various canals we long to enter. The human race will cease to exist.

imissopus August 20, 2010 at 6:12 pm

[re=643133]Min2.0[/re]: Mine would have to be Alimentary Canal for Sexual Purposes. Or just Alimentary Canal, I suppose that would fit better on a t-shirt.

Radiotherapy August 20, 2010 at 6:15 pm

They are all wriggling around in excitement just talking about this.
Penguins, BTW, are birds that have a cloaca and reproduce with this organ; this is known as a cloacal kiss

kudzu August 20, 2010 at 6:19 pm

Rectums? Shouldn’t we say “recti”?

Guppy06 August 20, 2010 at 6:20 pm

[re=643126]edgydrifter[/re]: Actually, a mixture of oral and ass-fucking works, just so long as it’s not “entirely” ass-fucking. Lesbianism seems to get a pass, too.

But a relationship that’s “entirely” ass-fucking is a no-no, even if it’s boy-girl assfucking (“to save my virginity!”).

facehead August 20, 2010 at 6:28 pm

HOLY BATSHIT BATMAN! This “AFA” website has some serious truckwingnuttery!


“Christians in Iraq, strangely, were better off under Saddam Hussein (I am not, by the way, lamenting his demise in any way, shape, or form). He provided a measure of protection for the church, because he needed Christians to help him run the country. Christians were the only decent, trustworthy, honest people he could find. Islam simply doesn’t produce men with the kind of character and integrity needed to run a country, and Saddam could see that.”


Stuef That in your alimentary canal and smoke it!

SayItWithWookies August 20, 2010 at 6:30 pm

Supporting either civil unions or marriages based entirely on using the alimentary canal for sexual purposes is not conservative, period.

Even leaving aside their “alimentary canal” prhraseology, there’s something terribly wrong with that sentence. First of all, the Christians are the ones who have always held out sex as the reward for marriage. From Saul of Tarsus to today, they’ve constantly harped about how marriage keeps us from hooking up like bonobos and, as a corollary, how wonderful sex within marriage can be. They’re also the ones who are entirely against gay marriage. And yet they seem to think that gays are just waiting around to be married so they can experience the joys of Christian intramarital sex. It may come as some surprise to these folks but homosexuals (and maybe some straight people too, perhaps?) can hook up like bonobos entirely outside of the Christian framework of acceptability. The reason gays want marriage is so they can visit their loved one in the hospital, inherit, have power of attorney when their loved one is incapacitated, and all those normal things people who care about each other have.

Maybe the AFA doesn’t approve of what some gays (and — ahem — straight people too) do with their alimentary canals, but at least they’re not using them to store their cerebellums.

Rotundo August 20, 2010 at 6:33 pm

Not all lutherans folks, the hardcore ones, the Missouri Synod and Wisconsin Synod still save the pulpit for hetero males. Just like the Roman Catholic church does.

Guppy06 August 20, 2010 at 6:34 pm

[re=643127]mumblyjoe[/re]: According to wikipedia, the alimentary canal is just the lower tract. So oral is OK so long as there’s no swallowing.

mumblyjoe August 20, 2010 at 6:34 pm

[re=643153]Guppy06[/re]: This is the thing that always gets me, is the thing: As someone who’s saddlebacked an evangelical girl or two in my day, I know for a fact that these people know that straight people do it up the butt, too. Why go through such pains -bending over backwards, one might even say- to associate assfucking with teh homosex? You’re not ‘zactly foolin’ anyone there.

Rotundo August 20, 2010 at 6:39 pm

[re=643164]Rotundo[/re]: They also don’t allow wimmins to be in the pulpit either, since they should serve the Lord in other ways, like cooking and cleaning etc. Back to the Future…

Dean Booth August 20, 2010 at 6:39 pm

I went to a Catholic alimentary school when I was a kid.

Guppy06 August 20, 2010 at 6:41 pm

[re=643167]mumblyjoe[/re]: I think Wookie’s got a point, actually: half the reason they like the saddlebacking so much is that it’s so naughty and sinful. If the state sanctions ass-fucking (which, in their opinion, this is all about), that makes it seem more acceptable takes away the thrill for them.

It’s not that they’re worried that everybody else will start fucking barnyard animals, it’s that they’re afraid they’d have to move onto the farm sex to get their rocks off sinfully.

Accordion-o-rama August 20, 2010 at 6:47 pm

What about supporting marriages based entirely on using the nasal canal for sexual purposes?

AlexisHidell August 20, 2010 at 6:50 pm

Not all “the Lutherans” allow teh gayz to be pastors. Only the ELCA, the largest Lutheran group in America, is cool with this. They also allow women to be pastors. In the Lutheran Church Missouri-Synod, where I was tortured for the first 15 years of my life, things are different. No gayz (abomination!), no broads (unworthy of any church duty save washing the dirty altar linens), and heaven will only be populated by other Misery-Synod Lutherans.

zhubajie August 20, 2010 at 6:57 pm

If they want the “normal” soldiers to stay that way, they need to start providing our boy in Afghanistan and Iraq with more women! Harlots for Christ! Daughters of Rahab! Something like that. It’d be a lot more attractive than the stuff at the usual Christian servicemens’ centers.

Johnny Zhivago August 20, 2010 at 6:59 pm

[re=643160]facehead[/re]: Perhaps the AFA should propose a statue of Saddam Hussein at Ground Zero??

Texan Bulldoggette August 20, 2010 at 7:05 pm

That is the funniest picture ever & should be used for all gay blog entries.

Extemporanus August 20, 2010 at 7:06 pm

[re=643123][/re]: Howz ’bout if you add a “360″ to it?

mumblyjoe August 20, 2010 at 7:10 pm

[re=643171]Guppy06[/re]: I dunno, at least for the ladies I was with, it wasn’t so much about the sinfulness, as it was just the fuckin’, while also trying to rules-lawyer about “virginity” and “sex” and thus trying to do things that “totally don’t really count”. If it were really just about doing things that were sinful, and thus, way more fun, I would have managed to have actual premarital sex somewhere in that time period, after all.

facehead August 20, 2010 at 7:18 pm

[re=643188]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: You made me choke on my celery (which is not conservative, exclamation point)!

Beetletheknee August 20, 2010 at 7:25 pm

The same way as the (Not) Ground Zero (Not) Mosque “issue” captivating the conservatives’ twisted knickers, their problem with the gay marriage “issue” is completely nonsensical. I have never seen such elaborate mental contortions to get around logical fallacies and cognitive dissonance. What I don’t get it how everyone just looks away when one of their own busts out with this kind of retardation – shouldn’t at least someone nudge them and say *stage whisper* “You know, actually, gay marriage includes lesbians too. And heterosexual couples have anal sex too. And there are reasons for getting married that have nothing to do with 1) procreation, which both homo- and heterosexual couples can do via “unnatural” methods, 2) JUST the sex, which is had outside of marriage too, and 3) because the bible tells them so, which would include homosexual christians too. Oh, and there already ARE homosexuals serving in the military, which likely includes showering at some point.” I mean really? Do conservatives really LIKE being the party of consistent, pervasive retardation THAT MUCH??

dijetlo August 20, 2010 at 7:26 pm

From the Wonkette series “Ask a Talibangelical”
Lesbianism is not against the Noahide laws (the biblical rules for non-Hebrews) only man on man (sodomy)and farm animal(bestiality) is considered taboo.
Spiritual Safety Tip Since sex outside of marriage is also verbotten you ladies are only allowed to get freaky with your husbands other wives.
The 10 commandments are a portion of the mitzvot, which is to say they apply only to Hebrews.

Extemporanus August 20, 2010 at 7:29 pm

Everybody ready for a little thought experiment? Here goes:

First, close your eyes and concentrate real hard on forming strong mental images of Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and AFA head Bryan Fischer.

Got ‘em? Okay, good.

Next, I want you to picture all three of them completely naked and engaged in the alimentary-oriented group activity described in this simplified medical diagram.

Still with me? Great!

Now, finally, I want you to…HAHAHA! I got you! That wasn’t really a “thought experiment”, you guys — I just wanted to ensure that I wasn’t the only one here with an overriding urge to be garrotted with my large intestine until I wriggled around in excrement to death.


FlownOver August 20, 2010 at 7:34 pm

[re=643176]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Snot funny.

Guppy06 August 20, 2010 at 7:40 pm

[re=643195]mumblyjoe[/re]: Yeah, but you’re talking, what, teenagers? Early 20′s? These groups are run by people around 30 years old or so, married for 16, and got bored with their spouse 3 or 4 kids ago. Sin is all they’ve got left.

Besides, “Ass-fucking doesn’t count” is closely related to “It’s not gay if I don’t swallow.” Those folks are too confused about what actually is gay to get that worked up about it, I suspect.

Extemporanus August 20, 2010 at 7:41 pm

[re=643176]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Do people say “God bless you!” to you when your dick sneezes?

Accordion-o-rama August 20, 2010 at 7:54 pm

[re=643219]Extemporanus[/re]: They usually preface it with “Oh, my”.

tribbzthesquidz August 20, 2010 at 8:22 pm

Obamra wants to start ‘im his own homo armed forces for Teh Big Gay Takeover! They’ll have their soldiers all up in each other’s barracks.

Extemporanus August 20, 2010 at 8:23 pm

[re=643230]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: “Jizzundteit!”

Formerly Fred August 20, 2010 at 9:03 pm

It seems to me that all abortions are the result of straight sex. Maybe all the wingnuts should be pushing gay sex as a method to reduce abortions.

NYNYNY August 20, 2010 at 9:21 pm

Gandhi once said you can tell who are your weakest soldiers by walking up behind them during drill and shooting one at random through the back of the skull. The ones who flinch are the weak links.

RedNo.4 August 20, 2010 at 10:03 pm

[re=643139]Airborne Toxic Event[/re]: Yes, but before it ceases to exist, it will, finally, be fabulous.

rmjag August 20, 2010 at 10:46 pm

[re=643126]edgydrifter[/re]: oral is good . it is nutritious . it is like suckling a teat .

user-of-owls August 20, 2010 at 11:46 pm

“I had a boy, his name was Sal;
fifteen miles on the alimentary canal.”

Boojum August 20, 2010 at 11:49 pm

[re=643133]Min2.0[/re]: Alimentary Canal Diary.

WriteyWriterton August 21, 2010 at 12:06 am

[re=643195]mumblyjoe[/re]: They let me up on the barricades at the Sexual Revolution just about the time they wiped out the Paris Commune. Wait, I’ve conflated the 19th and 20th centuries, which is nearer to the present than the AFA ever will get.

WriteyWriterton August 21, 2010 at 12:15 am

Not one Love Canal reference here before me?

I get to the party late, and all I find are cigarette butts jammed in beer cans and vomit from your idiot younger brother on the back steps? Again? What is wrong, sheeple? Get. A. Grip! These opportunities to riff on wingnut screeds are f*&^in’ golden.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 21, 2010 at 2:30 am

Even the AFA can’t find a problem with good, old fashion, girl on girl action.

pirate king of the Jews August 21, 2010 at 12:44 pm

Wasn’t John McCain born in some sort of “canal zone”?

The Cardinal August 21, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Non-propagating sex leads only to one thing – non propagation. Oh, and pleasure, if you’re gay and evil, which really is the same thing isn’t it? It says so in the Bible on page 143.
If anyone really needs to know about the evils of bum sex, then they should read my blog post on the subject.
Remember, Jesus loves you, but never in a gay way.

Scooter August 21, 2010 at 4:18 pm

In the animal world, [see penguins above], there are many species that have sexual dimorphism and many that do not. Even the “God hates fags” Christians, who usually believe that God created everything exactly as it is just a few dozen centuries ago, need to think about the implications of that fact. Yeah YOU! Put down the hate sign and think about this for an hour: Did God create sexual ambivalence?

Jukesgrrl August 21, 2010 at 5:45 pm

Obviously teabagging is fine with these people.

WalkinwiththeKing August 21, 2010 at 6:34 pm

[re=643139]Airborne Toxic Event[/re]: Your post was a hoot!

AKAM80TheWolf August 21, 2010 at 10:59 pm

The dyke is cast.

Carrabuda August 22, 2010 at 8:12 am

A man, a plan, an alimentary canal…

Come here a minute August 22, 2010 at 3:55 pm

Using evolutionary theory to argue against gay rights? AFA is out of their aliment.

RationalMan August 22, 2010 at 7:03 pm

You didn’t mention the best part! The AFA article RIPS Saint Ronald Reagan for being a pussy.

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JSDC007 August 23, 2010 at 3:56 pm

Funny, there’s nothing there about scissoring.

Is scissoring non-Jesusy or is it Jesusy?

What if Rosie O’Donnell sat on the “Reverend” Donald Wildmon’s face and said “eat me?”

Is that Jesusy?

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