putting things in perspective

While We Sit Around Yelling About Mosques, Our Moon Is SHRINKING

MUSLIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!The Moon: it’s America’s moon! We put our flag there, and thus according to the international legal principles of “firsties” and “fuck off, we’re using it,” it is OURS. But according to NASA, the Moon is shrinking. SHUT UP, NASA. Our moon is fine. Every country we’ve ever shown it to says so. You know, some aliens even prefer a smaller moon, so there. Yes, our government has seen those late-night commercials with Jimmy Johnson and ordered those moon pills, but it’s to make our moon PERFORM better, okay? Any added size is just a bonus and is totally not why we bought them.

“This is the first evidence that the moon has been shrinking, and may still be shrinking,” Michael Wargo, NASA’s chief lunar scientist, said during a press briefing Thursday. But it’s not enough shrinkage to notice from Earth.

That’s more like it, NASA. “Oh, America, honey, you don’t even notice the shrinkage. And you know what? I care about you more as a country anyway. It’s not important how big your moon is.”

The cliffs, called lobate scarps, were formed by thrust faults that triggered “moonquakes” in the lunar crust, according to a report today in the journal Science. The thrust faults pushed the lunar surface upward.

See? The moon doctor says it’s a condition. It’s not our fault! Some moons are just made that way. If anything, we’ve done too much thrusting.

But of course, we’re being facetious in saying this has nothing to do with mosques. NASA is being peecee, but our moon is actually being shrunk by radical Islamists, because Sharia law dictates that all moons must look like their evil crescent moon. So they are quietly shrinking OUR moon, right under our noses, even though they pretend to believe in our Moon society. ARGH, QUIT IT, ISLAMISTS! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING! [San Francisco Chronicle]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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34 comments

  1. Monsieur Grumpe

    It’s cold ou there. Give the moon a break. It’s shrinkage!!

    Seriously,I blame Bush.

  2. iwillsavethispatient

    Isn’t it more likely that, by putting a flag pole in it, the US has given the moon a slow puncture?

  3. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    It’s cold in space.

    This means, however, that Luna is actually male. A female moon would react by getting harder.

  4. just pixels

    Nice try Jack, but if it was really “America’s Moon”, it would be gaining weight on a “diet” of cheesy cheese-topped cheese pizza with extra fries.

  5. Mad Brahms

    This is the result of the Political Opportunism & Lieberal Socialism that is NASA’s attempts to reach out to the muslim world.

  6. ejreed

    While we’re discussing Mosques the Geishas in tokyo are undergoing change. why can’t we get our priorities straight.

    The Changing World of Japan’s Geishas
    Japan is reeling from a 20-year economic slump, with China overtaking the country as the world’s second-largest economy. What the Japanese call the “lost years” have taken a serious toll on some of their most beloved cultural icons. http://www.newslook.com/videos/242779-the-changing-world-of-japan-s-geishas?autoplay=true

  7. jus_wonderin

    I think that the moon is merely embarrassed for letting moonmen walk on its face. So, it is not as boldy puffed up after that. I mean, who could be? BTW: the moon is gay. Proof, you ask? Have your ever heard of the Man in the Moon? I don’t think the moon could get much gayer after that.

    As for shrinkage, give the moon a break. It’s ancient and if we could see its butt, its probably saggy and wrinkly. Don’t get me started about Uranus.

  8. JMP

    It’s bad enough knowing that America’s moon isn’t even the larges one in the Solar system; now that we know it’s getting smaller we’re really going to have some inadequacy issues. This is going to mean more pointless wars, isn’t it?

  9. Oldskool

    Well they did slam a rocket into it last year. One day the moon will wise up and take out a restraining order on us.

  10. Serolf Divad

    Mutherfucker, who put the moon in the dryer again? The label says “Dry Clean Only” Right fucking there. See? It’s RIGHT FUCKING THERE.

    Now the goddamn thing is ruined.

    Thanks a lot!

  11. AnnieGetYourFun

    Goodbye, periods! Don’t let the door hit you on your bloated, crampy ass on the way out!

  12. SmutBoffin

    What is this post even about?

    FYI, the article reads like the Moon is shrinking but not losing any mass of course. Still plenty o’Luna to go around/make the tides/etc. The moon hasn’t actually lost any mass since our brave Astro-men grabbed some handfuls of it and brought them back to Earth, for Nixon to hit his press secretary over the head with.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    We finally understand those markings that John Glenn and Buzz Aldrin discovered when they landed at the Sea of Tranquility: It was a sign saying “contents may settle over time,” much as happens with a box of Corn Flakes.

    Also, this reminds me of one of my favorite Mark Twain quotes:

    “In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Lower Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. That is an average of a trifle over one mile and a third per year. Therefore, any calm person, who is not blind or idiotic, can see that in the Old Oolitic Silurian Period, just a million years ago next November, the Lower Mississippi River was upwards of one million three hundred thousand miles long, and stuck out over the Gulf of Mexico like a fishing-rod. And by the same token any person can see that seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Lower Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long, and Cairo and New Orleans will have joined their streets together, and be plodding comfortably along under a single mayor and a mutual board of aldermen. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.”

  14. Oblios Cap

    Maybe we need to cover it with a coating of red wax so that the cheese will age evenly and correctly. That should stop the shinkage.

  15. actor212

    I got this tweet from @Moon

    Look…you women & your judgements….

    IT’S COLD! OK????? It’s space! It’s SHRINKAGE! Does the term “absolute zero”, as in “I get absolute zero from any of your skanky lesberals” mean ANYTHING to you?

    Oh surrrrrrrrrrrrrrre! It’s fine to blame me for the tides and your frikkin’ moonthly gift…when even the Chamber of Commerce says you can get that shit fixed…but when I want a little piece? Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno!

    And then you frikkin’ wonder why I’m always MOONING you assholes????

  16. Extemporanus

    [re=642803]just pixels[/re]: [re=642900]Oblios Cap[/re]: This post clearly implies that the moon is made of smegma.

  17. Extemporanus

    “Yes, our government has seen those late-night commercials with Jimmy Johnson and ordered those moon pills, but it’s to make our moon PERFORM better, okay?”

    “Call your doctor if you experience an eclipse lasting more than four hours.”

  18. Extemporanus

    “You know, some aliens even prefer a smaller moon, so there.”

    Jack’s referring, of course, to Uranus.

    (Okay, I’m done…)

  19. Katydid

    We put our flag there, and thus according to the international legal principles of “firsties” and “fuck off, we’re using it,” it is OURS.

    Funny thing about that. I just read in Mary Roach’s Packing for Mars that the moon’s surface was so hard that Neil Armstrong could’t get the flag pole in too far, and it almost certainly was blown over when Apollo 11 blasted off for earth. So I don’t think we own the moon after all.

  20. Jukesgrrl

    It’s not smaller, it’s just been Photoshopped by Ralph Lauren to meet today’s standards of beauty. Wa-a-a-ay too round before.

  21. miller/peace

    yea agreed and its not americas moon. just because we got there first. thats fuckin stupid. its earths moon. we need to stop fighting and work on making progress in this world or god is going to get rid of this whole earth and then noone will own shit i own my own land and i still have to pay taxes but the government can tresspass and do whatever they want its bullshit and i am sick of it and we have to stop going over to other countries and trying to have them run their country the same way ours is and ours is not going in the right direection. so the next time you go to the pressidential vote think about the future. because we are ending this world we need to stick up for ourselves as the people. its we the people not we the government we have just as much right as everyone.

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