IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:21 am August 20, 2010

Nobody’s Bombing Anybody, At Least For Now

by Josh Fruhlinger

  • Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machinesThe U.S. has convinced its hotheaded friend Israel that it would take Iran a whole year to make a final push for a nuclear weapon, and that everyone would know about it a few weeks into that process; Obama’s top advisor on nuke stuff says “A year is a very long period of time.” Really, he says that! So now Israel probably isn’t going to up and bomb Iran anytime soon. Also, the Israelis and Palestinians are going to talk to each other again, and they’re totally 100 percent gonna work it out this time. [NYT/NYT]
  • Turns out that Native Americans don’t like it when you make jokes about dressing up as a cowboy and shooting them, even when it’s Mayor Bloomberg saying that Governor Paterson should do it. Don’t worry, Seneca Nation, Governor Paterson is blind! He’s not a very good shot. [Fox]
  • Democrats are kissing a lot of withered old-person ass in a desperate attempt to hold onto the House. [WP]
  • Did you know that if a dude hooked up with hunky Javier Bardem in Bali, he wouldn’t be able to bring him back to the U.S.? Elizabeth Gilbert is on Capitol Hill to correct this injustice. [Politico]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 30 comments }

Noodle Salad August 20, 2010 at 8:30 am

Oh, Israel and Palestine, just get it on already. Everybody knows you’re hot for each other. You don’t have to keep playing these games. We already voted you “Most likely to get married or kill each other trying” for the yearbook. Putin and Merkel as “Biggest Jocks” was a total gimme.

Cape Clod August 20, 2010 at 8:34 am

I’m glad that the sensible, clear headed views of John Bolton were heeded this time.

That is the first time those words have ever been strung together in a single sentence. Look upon it and marvel.

Johnny Zhivago August 20, 2010 at 8:35 am

[re=642489]Noodle Salad[/re]: This is why I suggest the appointment of Mercede Johnson as special Mid-East Peace Envoy – get this thing nailed down in a few days on Facebook and Twitter.

Geogre August 20, 2010 at 8:35 am

Well, we may need to kiss puckered gluteus maximus muscle, as it turns out that FauxNews’s sole viewership is people over 70. At the same time, that viewership gets all the way up there to two or three millions at some points. In a nation of 300 million, that’s a big Fox number.

The demographic over 70 is also the group that believes the mass forwarded e-mails.

Ruhe August 20, 2010 at 8:42 am

Hey! Two birds with one stone! Kiss up to the olds by telling them that we’re gonna give the Israelis back the Arc so they can use it to destroy the Iranians!

Autochthon August 20, 2010 at 8:46 am

[re=642489]Noodle Salad[/re]: Honestly – GET A ROOM, YOU GUYS!

Vulpes82 August 20, 2010 at 8:55 am

Poor Juan McCain. He was just getting ready to take his “Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran” act on the road. He got backup dancers and everything.

And isn’t it just like a Muslin to keep Israel from bombing another country and start talking to the Palestinians again. Why does Obama hate Jews so much?

chascates August 20, 2010 at 8:59 am

Josh Bolton is so upset he collapsed on the floor and had to be carried out. SOMEONE HAS TO BOMB IRAN!

chascates August 20, 2010 at 9:04 am

[re=642498]chascates[/re]: Make that John Bolton but they’re both full of shit.

Mild Midwesterner August 20, 2010 at 9:09 am

Wouldn’t NOT hooking up with Javier Bardem be the greater crime?

Can O Whoopass August 20, 2010 at 9:11 am

John Bolton has been approached by Nurse Ratchete concerning a job as a greeter at Walmart.

MarieDeGournay August 20, 2010 at 9:18 am

And Patterson would be tough to scalp with that that short crop.

MarieDeGournay August 20, 2010 at 9:18 am

[re=642503]MarieDeGournay[/re]: I loves my thats

MARCdMan August 20, 2010 at 9:22 am

That alt-text is full of win.

Icecycle August 20, 2010 at 9:31 am

Proof that 9:30 on a Friday morning is too early to drink.

Bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
Bomb bomb
Bomb Iran
Bomb bomb
Bomb Iran
As I lay waste to the whole damn world
Nothing can stop me, Haliburton of Oil
And I Can sell you the whole damn thing
I’ve done it twice now and made it swing
Bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran
Bomb bomb
Bomb Iran
Bomb bomb
Bomb Iran

(Somebody’s got to look after the economy and I have been keeping several liquor stores in business on my own.)

ManchuCandidate August 20, 2010 at 9:31 am

Looks like Bolton can go back to masturbating to nuke test footage and leave the rest of us alone.

Katydid August 20, 2010 at 9:45 am

[re=642489]Noodle Salad[/re]: Fuck, Kill, Marry?

V572625694 August 20, 2010 at 9:58 am

So great is my love of my SO that I took her to see “Eat, Pray, Love” and must now, at tremendous emotional expense, agree with “Slate” that a much better title would’ve been, “Eat, Pray, Vomit.”

red sky August 20, 2010 at 10:00 am

[re=642492]Geogre[/re]: What I find more annoying about the familial/friend mass e-mail, is that the olds have never been able to understand the invention we call BCC. It’s one thing to send me tons of stupid jokes and borderline racist political comments, but do you have to append my e-mail address for the world of stupids to see??????

4tehlulz August 20, 2010 at 10:07 am

ISRAEL IS ANTISEMITIC FOR NOT BOMBING IRAN

Noodle Salad August 20, 2010 at 10:09 am

[re=642491]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: @Izreal wuz totally going to ur place but Turkey had this boat party and I got held up #flotilla. RT @PALisKIND

Noodle Salad August 20, 2010 at 10:09 am

[re=642519]Katydid[/re]: Lebanon, Iran, Jordan

dijetlo August 20, 2010 at 10:10 am

A nation weeps for Chuckie Kraphammer and the WaPo Bomber Boy Editorial brigade.
We’re all going to be reading a lot more of Mr Wills musings on the essential analogies of baseball if this news is to be believed…

FMA August 20, 2010 at 10:20 am

[re=642529]V572625694[/re]: Good Christ. I hope, at the very least, that you got laid.

Baby who ate the Dingo August 20, 2010 at 10:21 am

[re=642512]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Reminds me of Ernest Borgnine last year when he was being interviewed, and the host asked him what his secret for longevity was. Borgnine leaned over and said “I have to whisper my answer.” Leaning closer, but not aware that he was still loud enough to be heard on the mic, Ernie says as only a 92 year old can: “I masturbate a lot.”

Now if only the other “olds” would do something other than driving their old Olds.

dr.giraud August 20, 2010 at 10:27 am

Way down there in New York City Mayor Bloomberg may not care about offending the natives, but upstaters know better. The Senecas can just cold shut down the New York State Thruway (I-90) or the Southern Tier Expressway (I-86) any time they want to. Go ahead, Bloomberg, make their day.

S.Luggo August 20, 2010 at 11:07 am

So I have another year to stock my bunker with Corn Flakes, beer and Air Wick? Huzzah.

[re=642504]MarieDeGournay[/re]: Repetition is the mother of beauty.

Sleeves August 20, 2010 at 11:07 am

[re=642555]Baby who ate the Dingo[/re]: Hahaha “It is a time of life when you arrive at a new and awful dignity; when you may throw aside the decent reserves which have oppressed you for a generation and stand unafraid and unabashed upon your [nine-terraced summit] and look down and teach–unrebuked. You can tell the world how you got there. It is what they all do. You shall never get tired of telling by what delicate arts and deep moralities you climbed up to that great place. [...] I will offer here, as a sound maxim, this: That we can’t reach old age by another man’s road.” (see Smoking, Diet, and Health at Age Seventy, a 1905 speech by Samuel Clemens)

Army of None August 20, 2010 at 12:08 pm

How much tax money do you think the US Gomment is pumping into destabilizing the bearded despots that are making life so miserable for people in Iran. I mean that whole “approved haircut” thing. What’s with these Mullahs? Is that the word for them? And shooting people who want to wear green headscarves to commemorate…what’s the name of the principal martyr there? Tanya?

LittlePig August 20, 2010 at 1:15 pm

[re=642555]Baby who ate the Dingo[/re]: That’s a bit more about Mermaid Man than I really wanted to know.

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