Why Is America Forcing Rick Santorum To Be Elected President?

by Jack Stuef

LEAVE RICK ALONE!Rick Santorum has been in Iowa a lot lately, so obviously he is running for president, but he doesn’t really want to. The people of the United States are FORCING him to, because they just need a President Rick Santorum so badly. “I sort of feel in some respects I’m being pulled along in this,” Santorum said, in what was not, it turns out, an off-color abortion joke. Leave him alone, America! Stop pushing him to be your leader. God will put him in the White House when the time is right.

But oh no, Rick Santorum is getting attacked for not hating abortion enough, by people who are more Jesus-y than he:

A small group of protesters trailed Santorum and distributed leaflets at his events. They called into question his opposition to abortion rights because of his past support for abortion rights supporters Christie Todd Whitman of New Jersey and his former Pennsylvania GOP colleague, Sen. Arlen Specter.

“I’m always flattered when people feel like they have to go out of their way to do something like that,” Santorum said. “But that’s lunacy.”

Hilarious.

At the Iowa State Fair, somebody let Santorum flip some pork chops, like a REAL presidential contender, because that is how you win votes in that state, according to campaign professionals who aren’t from that state. And Santorum showed the wisdom of a president:

“I’ve learned something about dropping pork chops,” Santorum said in a thinly veiled reference to Romney, who dropped one during the same exercise in 2007.

Santorum also looked the part of a fairgoer, as he walked down the fair’s Grand Concourse, accompanied by his 17-year-old son, John.

Former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson caught plenty of media ribbing in 2007 for wearing Gucci loafers at the fair and traveling by golf cart.

Santorum wore a NASCAR polo shirt, khaki shorts and running shoes.

And he walked.

Hard to argue with that, Obama. This man obviously already has the hearts of the people. It’s time to step aside and let their de-facto president become the in-facto president. We don’t need an expensive bloody coup with this economy. [Des Moines Register]

 
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{ 70 comments }

ArkansasFred August 19, 2010 at 6:04 pm

Rick Santorum being accused of not being Pro-Life enough is like Alvin Greene being accused of not being embarrassing enough.

Whiskeybaby August 19, 2010 at 6:07 pm

“I’ve learned something about dropping pork chops,” Santorum said

Oh, I’ll bet you have Rick, I’ll bet you have.
That was a euphemism, right?

finallyhappy August 19, 2010 at 6:08 pm

I thought Iowa was underwater now. So the creatures from the Iowa Lagoon think Santorum isn’t right wing enough. Go, Iowa!

forgracie August 19, 2010 at 6:11 pm

Anything to run that picture, eh Wonkette?

just pixels August 19, 2010 at 6:11 pm

When Rick Santorum says you’re a lunatic, you should stop listening to the voices in your head and pay attention to him.

I can’t believe any politician would let themselves be photographed with pork in any form, especially a “chop”. Though maybe pork eating is a veiled way to say “See, I’m not a secret Muslin or Jew or vegan.”

chascates August 19, 2010 at 6:12 pm

Don’t drop your pork chops in the shower, man-on-dog.

Sharkey August 19, 2010 at 6:12 pm

Is he strong? Listen bud—
He’s got religiously fortified blood.
Can he rise from the dead?
Take a look overhead.
Hey there! There goes the Jesus Man.

Tyler Perry's Birth of a Nation August 19, 2010 at 6:13 pm

I was “dropping pork chops” all over the place last year and next thing you know I’m paying for like three abortions.

Suds McKenzie August 19, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Just wait until First Lady Santorum takes Violet Beauregarde there on a fancy pants summer vacation to the Lolly Pop Vinyard.

He may have wished he rode the golf cart.

weejee August 19, 2010 at 6:23 pm

Is “dropping pork” something Teatardy OhboyNorbortionists do instead of dropping acid?

edgydrifter August 19, 2010 at 6:25 pm

Which one in that pic is his son–the sweater-vest junior serial killer, the stroke-faced longhair, or the cross-dressing hand-wringer?

The Names Jesus August 19, 2010 at 6:31 pm

Let’s see, been a while since I spoke Latin but I believe Santorum is Latin for place where you shit or maybe asshole, I forget which. In any case it isn’t something you call someone who is carrying a weapon.

DemmeFatale August 19, 2010 at 6:33 pm

Would George Allen “flip a pork chop?”

Roach August 19, 2010 at 6:34 pm

is his little girl a tard? not like a full blown like palin’s but a little “off”?

hiphophitler August 19, 2010 at 6:34 pm

The kid in the red tie looks like he’s just discovered he’s leaking some of dad’s frothy mixture down his leg.

hiphophitler August 19, 2010 at 6:37 pm

Also, this just in: Palin claims Vlad the Impaler not violent enough.

Rentboy.gov August 19, 2010 at 6:48 pm

Santorum on the sheets always comes out if you run them on the Normal Hot cycle. (see UrbanDictionary.com)

Rotundo August 19, 2010 at 6:48 pm

[re=642223]just pixels[/re]: Are you kidding? Posing while wolfing down a porkchop (applesauce on the side) is perfect posing for the Iowan crowds and the White\Christian\Hetero\Carnivore\Fascist folks all over this great country. Even better on a stick! It wouldn’t be enough for the anti-abortion crowd to accept his bona fides, but short of murdering a doctor or bombing a clinic nothing much would. More Pork! More Santorum! (Just don’t get Santorum on my chop please.)

metalhed August 19, 2010 at 6:52 pm

You don’t have to take that, Rick! Pull out of the race! That’ll show ‘em!

zhubajie August 19, 2010 at 6:57 pm

How’s he reacting to the Butter Cow? Is he entered in the biggest bore contest yet?

metalhed August 19, 2010 at 6:57 pm

“Santorum wore a NASCAR polo shirt, khaki shorts and running shoes. And he walked.”

Well, that settles it. He’s my guy! When’s the last time Obama WALKED?

Toomush Infermashun August 19, 2010 at 6:59 pm

Pretty sure that photo shows one of his dropped pork chops…

momus August 19, 2010 at 7:00 pm

god votes in US elections? We let a known alien vote?

Baby who ate the Dingo August 19, 2010 at 7:07 pm

Jeez folks, cut Iowa some slack or quit eating their corn. Its nt their fault only three people of color live in Cedar Rapids.

And when I was a kid, the Great Jones County Fair had a specail exhibit of ice cold whole milk that was only five cents for all you could drink. I distinctly remember being about five years old on a 95 degree day going into this fabulous milk-as-opium den, hot as Sarah at an anti-messican rally in Aridzona, and drinking three quarts (Mom counted the pints) of ice cold “leche”, walking back outside into the heat, to the animal “husbandry” megabarns, and promptly losing 2 and 7/8th quarts of said bovine secretion, mostly through my nose. In front, then on the shoes of, of my Dad’s boss, Earl “Seymour” Butz, then Secretary of the USDA.

Good times, good times. And they have demolition derbies.

Winski August 19, 2010 at 7:18 pm

Let’s just be sure we understand that if Ricky were ever elected President, we ALL (except maybe ALL resluglicans that believe everything that beck and the flying fat man from palm beach say) are going to have to LEAVE the US. The reason?? It will quickly become a fifth-world cesspool where Ricky rules by evangelical visions that are projected on LCD screens all over the nation… AND, the Maximum allowed IQ of ANY citizen (non-ruling class) is 44.

madirishman August 19, 2010 at 7:23 pm

I’m reminded of a line from “The West Wing”: “You don’t run for President because you think it’s a ‘good idea’. You run for President because you have been CALLED BY GOD to be President!” From that perspective, Santorum’s skulking around Iowa makes sickening, frightening sense. I’m a Catholic, and the guy scares me to death!

I’m from Pennsylvania, too. I saw Santorum when he did a “press conference” at my place of work when he was running for re-election. Good God, was he out-of-touch with reality! We tossed his cracker ass out of the Senate, but he STILL won’t go away! Be warned, people!

Rentboy.gov August 19, 2010 at 7:31 pm

Why would this pathetic asswipe waste other people’s money running for president when there are so many compelling, awe-inspiring candidates who have already thrown their hats in the ring? Palin! Gingrich! Huckabee! Mittens! It’s like a Mt. Rushmore of promise!

SayItWithWookies August 19, 2010 at 8:02 pm

Oh, finally — it’s been soooo long since we’ve been ruled by someone who was either divinely inspired or just plain psychotic, and I’ve missed it so. Climbing out of a deep well of compoundingly miserable stupidity is so dreary that the only thing that could possibly relieve the monotony would be to start digging a new one that we could jump headlong into. And keep that helmet — we’ve got President Rick’s assurance that The LORD is looking out for us, so we won’t be needing it.

Darkness August 19, 2010 at 8:17 pm

Is it evil of me to wish salmonella eggs on ole Rick? It’s not like he’s pro-regulating egg poisoning factory farms or anything.

Baby who ate the Dingo August 19, 2010 at 8:54 pm

Putting the “I” in sanItorIum, and Rick in the looney bin. Yay for Boobies and Crazies!

mookworthjwilson August 19, 2010 at 9:12 pm

Sure he can flip pork chops, but can he handle fudge???

the problem child August 19, 2010 at 9:24 pm

Unhappiest family in Merka. They never have clean sheets for the KKK rally.

BarackMyWorld August 19, 2010 at 9:27 pm

Since the new Republican standard is that all presidents MUST have “executive experience” and any amount (even being the half-term chief exec. of our least populated state) counts…what gives? Santorum was a SENATOR. That just won’t do!

Sharkey August 19, 2010 at 10:09 pm

[re=642297]madirishman[/re]: You can only be from one place at a time. Fess up. Are you from Pennsylvania or are you from Iowa or are you from Pennsylvania?

OK, I’m drunk as an Irishman right now.

Sharkey August 19, 2010 at 10:11 pm

[re=642284]Baby who ate the Dingo[/re]: Where did the santorum come in?

Tube City August 19, 2010 at 10:12 pm

What a loser. He doesn’t even have a plush job with Fox News, like the other candidates do.

Chumpatized August 19, 2010 at 10:16 pm

If he spends any more time in Iowa, he’s going to have to marry a dog. It’s legal there, you know.

ladymacbeth August 19, 2010 at 10:20 pm

can someone remind me: was ‘mustardman’ ever funny or was ‘mustardman’ always a plant?

El Pinche August 19, 2010 at 11:02 pm

“Flip a pork chop” in Christo-Conservative English means “tossed salad.”

Jumping Jim August 19, 2010 at 11:06 pm

Santorum can live in Iowa because he hasn’t lived in Pennsylvania since his first term.

Hunger Tallest Palin August 19, 2010 at 11:07 pm

Climb aboard the Frothy Fecal Matter Express!

Or should that be slide aboard?

Sharkey August 19, 2010 at 11:12 pm

[re=642372]ladymacbeth[/re]: He once or twice made me laugh, but largely posts cookie-cutter remarks. Grey area, like Neilist.

El Pinche August 19, 2010 at 11:13 pm

[re=642292]Winski[/re]: And American stupidity is on the rise:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brendan-nyhan/obama-muslim-myth-on-the_b_687898.html

We deserve everything coming to us.

Walter White August 19, 2010 at 11:32 pm

Talk about an unflattering picture! (Not that there ever has been a flattering picture of Rick, but this one is extra-special bad)

natoslug August 19, 2010 at 11:39 pm

[re=642321]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Is there a difference between divinely inspired and plain psychotic? The fact that a great number of Americans seem to require a politician who prays seems to me to be a sign that a great number of Americans are fucked in the head.

WriteyWriterton August 19, 2010 at 11:46 pm

[re=642218]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Dropping PCs = lifting luggage?

Jukesgrrl August 19, 2010 at 11:49 pm

[re=642241]Roach[/re]: You’d be a little “off,” too, if your mother brought a 20-week stillborn baby-corpse home from the hospital and made you hold it and have your picture taken with it. Mrs. Santorum makes Michelle Duggar look normal.

WriteyWriterton August 19, 2010 at 11:52 pm

Throw up a couple of extra “i”s in Santorum and look whatcha get! And they’re watching you, Rick Crazy-Eyes.

But lay off the kid – she couldn’t choose her parents. That’s why she’s cryin’.

calmer than you are August 19, 2010 at 11:53 pm

Should’ve driven a NASCAR to the fair. Walking is a UN plot.

Otto Reimer August 20, 2010 at 12:08 am

Could he be anymore prepackaged? Still hates Merika though, no flag pin.

Flag pin that polo up, Santorum, otherwise no one will take you seriously.

Kathryn. August 20, 2010 at 12:16 am

[re=642369]Tube City[/re]: He actually was a commentator for a while! I’m guessing he was the Fox expert on gay turtle-fucking or perhaps losing an election in a landslide as an incumbent.

Anyway: http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/595/santorumgoodday.jpg

You lost, asshole. Now gtfo.

Kathryn. August 20, 2010 at 12:23 am

Also, my first time voting was helping this miserable shitbag lose. I’d be more than happy to do it again.

Mad Brahms August 20, 2010 at 12:32 am

Seriously, this political climate is hilarious! Utah republicans getting forced out for not hating spending enough, John McCain having to run all nativist-y, Santorum not loving teh fetuses enough… if the Republicans are the party of No!, the Tea Party is the party of No True Scotsman.

Grumpy Old Man August 20, 2010 at 2:21 am

[re=642222]forgracie[/re]: What is the story with that child in the picture?

El Pinche August 20, 2010 at 2:33 am

[re=642427]Mad Brahms[/re]: More like the party of retards …today I walked out of a convenient store after waiting in line for almost 15 minutes for a morbidly obese teabagger hag wearing a “Texas Tea Party – Obama = Socialism” t-shirt. She was going beserk because the muslin at the counter wouldn’t let her buy shit you can’t buy with food stamps.

Enslave the Whales August 20, 2010 at 3:25 am

[re=642452]El Pinche[/re]: And isn’t that the iconic vignette for today’s America? What’s the next level up from irony? Really, I’m ready for the civil war. Although, hold off a couple days. I need to buy more ammunition.

algoresexattack August 20, 2010 at 4:38 am

i can’t wait for ‘rick the prick’ bumper stickers (ok i got nuthin’)

gurukalehuru August 20, 2010 at 7:24 am

I’ve got no problem with Santorum at the Iowa State Fair, as long as he doesn’t get it all over the butter cow.

freakishlystrong August 20, 2010 at 7:45 am

Does that picture ever get old? No.

Hoplight August 20, 2010 at 8:39 am

[re=642452]El Pinche[/re]: Two words for you: YouTube. Okay, that might only be one word. . .

No camera at hand?

Ducksworthy August 20, 2010 at 9:30 am

[re=642390]El Pinche[/re]: The President is going to have to go on the TeeVee and eat a pork chop before a live audience.., Naw, even that would’nt convince the Fux Followers.

Prommie August 20, 2010 at 10:03 am

[re=642412]Jukesgrrl[/re]: They took a formal portrait photo of the dead fetus, too, and Santorum keeps it on his desk, right next to the pictures of his other deformed and defective children.
[re=642241]Roach[/re]: She must be, because Santorum himself is what we would call “half a tard” in this corner of ‘Murrica.

hey August 20, 2010 at 11:00 am

[re=642222]forgracie[/re]: No matter how often I see that photo, it makes my day a little cheerier.

E.A.Blair August 20, 2010 at 11:04 am

“See, I’m not a secret Muslin or Jew or vegan.”

“She was going beserk because the muslin at the counter wouldn’t let her buy shit you can’t buy with food stamps.”

Of course we all know that muslins, secret or otherwise, are followers of a religion made from whole cloth.

Dolmance August 20, 2010 at 11:06 am

That prick’s daughter is one of the unhappiest little girls I ever saw.

El Pinche August 20, 2010 at 12:50 pm

[re=642494]Hoplight[/re]: Dude, I kicked myself for not bringing my cell. I would sent the viddy exclusively to Wonkett.

E.A.Blair August 20, 2010 at 2:14 pm

He should change his name to Sick Rant-orum.

zhubajie August 23, 2010 at 9:18 am

[re=642284]Baby who ate the Dingo[/re]: Ah, yes, Earl Butz! The Republican who endorsed loose shoes, tight p*ssy, and a warm place to sh*t! Would that they would deliver such practical things today. Instead of constant wars and poverty and religous fanaticism!

zhubajie August 23, 2010 at 9:20 am

[re=642297]madirishman[/re]: Which g-d called him? Loki? Guan Di?

bighilllex August 26, 2010 at 1:21 pm

I think a story that needs to get out is the fact that Rick Santorum is on the board of directors for Universal Health Services, being investigated across the country and especially in the state where he lives, Virginia, for Medicaid fraud. There are nationwide investigations by various state attorney generals and the US Department of Justice resulting in findings of fraud, abuse, neglect, child endangerment, molestation, rape, and deaths of disabled children forced to stay in residential facilities owned by Universal Health Services and Psychiatric Solutions Inc. Disabled children stay in these facilities because their families cannot receive funding (about $100 per day) for community based services which would allow these children to live at home with their families. The government will only fund placement (at a cost of up to $1,000 per day) in for-profit facilities run by Psychiatric Solutions Inc. and Universal Health Services.
Look at this FB page to see the facts.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=326364429203&ref=ts

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