jesus man jesus man does whatever a jesus can

Why Is America Forcing Rick Santorum To Be Elected President?

LEAVE RICK ALONE!Rick Santorum has been in Iowa a lot lately, so obviously he is running for president, but he doesn’t really want to. The people of the United States are FORCING him to, because they just need a President Rick Santorum so badly. “I sort of feel in some respects I’m being pulled along in this,” Santorum said, in what was not, it turns out, an off-color abortion joke. Leave him alone, America! Stop pushing him to be your leader. God will put him in the White House when the time is right.

But oh no, Rick Santorum is getting attacked for not hating abortion enough, by people who are more Jesus-y than he:

A small group of protesters trailed Santorum and distributed leaflets at his events. They called into question his opposition to abortion rights because of his past support for abortion rights supporters Christie Todd Whitman of New Jersey and his former Pennsylvania GOP colleague, Sen. Arlen Specter.

“I’m always flattered when people feel like they have to go out of their way to do something like that,” Santorum said. “But that’s lunacy.”

Hilarious.

At the Iowa State Fair, somebody let Santorum flip some pork chops, like a REAL presidential contender, because that is how you win votes in that state, according to campaign professionals who aren’t from that state. And Santorum showed the wisdom of a president:

“I’ve learned something about dropping pork chops,” Santorum said in a thinly veiled reference to Romney, who dropped one during the same exercise in 2007.

Santorum also looked the part of a fairgoer, as he walked down the fair’s Grand Concourse, accompanied by his 17-year-old son, John.

Former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson caught plenty of media ribbing in 2007 for wearing Gucci loafers at the fair and traveling by golf cart.

Santorum wore a NASCAR polo shirt, khaki shorts and running shoes.

And he walked.

Hard to argue with that, Obama. This man obviously already has the hearts of the people. It’s time to step aside and let their de-facto president become the in-facto president. We don’t need an expensive bloody coup with this economy. [Des Moines Register]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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70 comments

  1. ArkansasFred

    Rick Santorum being accused of not being Pro-Life enough is like Alvin Greene being accused of not being embarrassing enough.

  2. Whiskeybaby

    “I’ve learned something about dropping pork chops,” Santorum said

    Oh, I’ll bet you have Rick, I’ll bet you have.
    That was a euphemism, right?

  3. finallyhappy

    I thought Iowa was underwater now. So the creatures from the Iowa Lagoon think Santorum isn’t right wing enough. Go, Iowa!

  4. just pixels

    When Rick Santorum says you’re a lunatic, you should stop listening to the voices in your head and pay attention to him.

    I can’t believe any politician would let themselves be photographed with pork in any form, especially a “chop”. Though maybe pork eating is a veiled way to say “See, I’m not a secret Muslin or Jew or vegan.”

  5. Sharkey

    Is he strong? Listen bud—
    He’s got religiously fortified blood.
    Can he rise from the dead?
    Take a look overhead.
    Hey there! There goes the Jesus Man.

  6. Tyler Perry's Birth of a Nation

    I was “dropping pork chops” all over the place last year and next thing you know I’m paying for like three abortions.

  7. Suds McKenzie

    Just wait until First Lady Santorum takes Violet Beauregarde there on a fancy pants summer vacation to the Lolly Pop Vinyard.

    He may have wished he rode the golf cart.

  8. edgydrifter

    Which one in that pic is his son–the sweater-vest junior serial killer, the stroke-faced longhair, or the cross-dressing hand-wringer?

  9. The Names Jesus

    Let’s see, been a while since I spoke Latin but I believe Santorum is Latin for place where you shit or maybe asshole, I forget which. In any case it isn’t something you call someone who is carrying a weapon.

  10. hiphophitler

    The kid in the red tie looks like he’s just discovered he’s leaking some of dad’s frothy mixture down his leg.

  11. Rentboy.gov

    Santorum on the sheets always comes out if you run them on the Normal Hot cycle. (see UrbanDictionary.com)

  12. Rotundo

    [re=642223]just pixels[/re]: Are you kidding? Posing while wolfing down a porkchop (applesauce on the side) is perfect posing for the Iowan crowds and the White\Christian\Hetero\Carnivore\Fascist folks all over this great country. Even better on a stick! It wouldn’t be enough for the anti-abortion crowd to accept his bona fides, but short of murdering a doctor or bombing a clinic nothing much would. More Pork! More Santorum! (Just don’t get Santorum on my chop please.)

  13. metalhed

    “Santorum wore a NASCAR polo shirt, khaki shorts and running shoes. And he walked.”

    Well, that settles it. He’s my guy! When’s the last time Obama WALKED?

  14. Baby who ate the Dingo

    Jeez folks, cut Iowa some slack or quit eating their corn. Its nt their fault only three people of color live in Cedar Rapids.

    And when I was a kid, the Great Jones County Fair had a specail exhibit of ice cold whole milk that was only five cents for all you could drink. I distinctly remember being about five years old on a 95 degree day going into this fabulous milk-as-opium den, hot as Sarah at an anti-messican rally in Aridzona, and drinking three quarts (Mom counted the pints) of ice cold “leche”, walking back outside into the heat, to the animal “husbandry” megabarns, and promptly losing 2 and 7/8th quarts of said bovine secretion, mostly through my nose. In front, then on the shoes of, of my Dad’s boss, Earl “Seymour” Butz, then Secretary of the USDA.

    Good times, good times. And they have demolition derbies.

  15. Winski

    Let’s just be sure we understand that if Ricky were ever elected President, we ALL (except maybe ALL resluglicans that believe everything that beck and the flying fat man from palm beach say) are going to have to LEAVE the US. The reason?? It will quickly become a fifth-world cesspool where Ricky rules by evangelical visions that are projected on LCD screens all over the nation… AND, the Maximum allowed IQ of ANY citizen (non-ruling class) is 44.

  16. madirishman

    I’m reminded of a line from “The West Wing”: “You don’t run for President because you think it’s a ‘good idea’. You run for President because you have been CALLED BY GOD to be President!” From that perspective, Santorum’s skulking around Iowa makes sickening, frightening sense. I’m a Catholic, and the guy scares me to death!

    I’m from Pennsylvania, too. I saw Santorum when he did a “press conference” at my place of work when he was running for re-election. Good God, was he out-of-touch with reality! We tossed his cracker ass out of the Senate, but he STILL won’t go away! Be warned, people!

  17. Rentboy.gov

    Why would this pathetic asswipe waste other people’s money running for president when there are so many compelling, awe-inspiring candidates who have already thrown their hats in the ring? Palin! Gingrich! Huckabee! Mittens! It’s like a Mt. Rushmore of promise!

  18. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, finally — it’s been soooo long since we’ve been ruled by someone who was either divinely inspired or just plain psychotic, and I’ve missed it so. Climbing out of a deep well of compoundingly miserable stupidity is so dreary that the only thing that could possibly relieve the monotony would be to start digging a new one that we could jump headlong into. And keep that helmet — we’ve got President Rick’s assurance that The LORD is looking out for us, so we won’t be needing it.

  19. Darkness

    Is it evil of me to wish salmonella eggs on ole Rick? It’s not like he’s pro-regulating egg poisoning factory farms or anything.

  20. Baby who ate the Dingo

    Putting the “I” in sanItorIum, and Rick in the looney bin. Yay for Boobies and Crazies!

  21. BarackMyWorld

    Since the new Republican standard is that all presidents MUST have “executive experience” and any amount (even being the half-term chief exec. of our least populated state) counts…what gives? Santorum was a SENATOR. That just won’t do!

  22. Sharkey

    [re=642297]madirishman[/re]: You can only be from one place at a time. Fess up. Are you from Pennsylvania or are you from Iowa or are you from Pennsylvania?

    OK, I’m drunk as an Irishman right now.

  23. Chumpatized

    If he spends any more time in Iowa, he’s going to have to marry a dog. It’s legal there, you know.

  24. ladymacbeth

    can someone remind me: was ‘mustardman’ ever funny or was ‘mustardman’ always a plant?

  25. Sharkey

    [re=642372]ladymacbeth[/re]: He once or twice made me laugh, but largely posts cookie-cutter remarks. Grey area, like Neilist.

  26. Walter White

    Talk about an unflattering picture! (Not that there ever has been a flattering picture of Rick, but this one is extra-special bad)

  27. natoslug

    [re=642321]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Is there a difference between divinely inspired and plain psychotic? The fact that a great number of Americans seem to require a politician who prays seems to me to be a sign that a great number of Americans are fucked in the head.

  28. Jukesgrrl

    [re=642241]Roach[/re]: You’d be a little “off,” too, if your mother brought a 20-week stillborn baby-corpse home from the hospital and made you hold it and have your picture taken with it. Mrs. Santorum makes Michelle Duggar look normal.

  29. WriteyWriterton

    Throw up a couple of extra “i”s in Santorum and look whatcha get! And they’re watching you, Rick Crazy-Eyes.

    But lay off the kid – she couldn’t choose her parents. That’s why she’s cryin’.

  30. Otto Reimer

    Could he be anymore prepackaged? Still hates Merika though, no flag pin.

    Flag pin that polo up, Santorum, otherwise no one will take you seriously.

  31. Kathryn.

    Also, my first time voting was helping this miserable shitbag lose. I’d be more than happy to do it again.

  32. Mad Brahms

    Seriously, this political climate is hilarious! Utah republicans getting forced out for not hating spending enough, John McCain having to run all nativist-y, Santorum not loving teh fetuses enough… if the Republicans are the party of No!, the Tea Party is the party of No True Scotsman.

  33. El Pinche

    [re=642427]Mad Brahms[/re]: More like the party of retards …today I walked out of a convenient store after waiting in line for almost 15 minutes for a morbidly obese teabagger hag wearing a “Texas Tea Party – Obama = Socialism” t-shirt. She was going beserk because the muslin at the counter wouldn’t let her buy shit you can’t buy with food stamps.

  34. Enslave the Whales

    [re=642452]El Pinche[/re]: And isn’t that the iconic vignette for today’s America? What’s the next level up from irony? Really, I’m ready for the civil war. Although, hold off a couple days. I need to buy more ammunition.

  35. gurukalehuru

    I’ve got no problem with Santorum at the Iowa State Fair, as long as he doesn’t get it all over the butter cow.

  36. Hoplight

    [re=642452]El Pinche[/re]: Two words for you: YouTube. Okay, that might only be one word. . .

    No camera at hand?

  37. Ducksworthy

    [re=642390]El Pinche[/re]: The President is going to have to go on the TeeVee and eat a pork chop before a live audience.., Naw, even that would’nt convince the Fux Followers.

  38. Prommie

    [re=642412]Jukesgrrl[/re]: They took a formal portrait photo of the dead fetus, too, and Santorum keeps it on his desk, right next to the pictures of his other deformed and defective children.
    [re=642241]Roach[/re]: She must be, because Santorum himself is what we would call “half a tard” in this corner of ‘Murrica.

  39. E.A.Blair

    “See, I’m not a secret Muslin or Jew or vegan.”

    “She was going beserk because the muslin at the counter wouldn’t let her buy shit you can’t buy with food stamps.”

    Of course we all know that muslins, secret or otherwise, are followers of a religion made from whole cloth.

  40. El Pinche

    [re=642494]Hoplight[/re]: Dude, I kicked myself for not bringing my cell. I would sent the viddy exclusively to Wonkett.

  41. zhubajie

    [re=642284]Baby who ate the Dingo[/re]: Ah, yes, Earl Butz! The Republican who endorsed loose shoes, tight p*ssy, and a warm place to sh*t! Would that they would deliver such practical things today. Instead of constant wars and poverty and religous fanaticism!

  42. bighilllex

    I think a story that needs to get out is the fact that Rick Santorum is on the board of directors for Universal Health Services, being investigated across the country and especially in the state where he lives, Virginia, for Medicaid fraud. There are nationwide investigations by various state attorney generals and the US Department of Justice resulting in findings of fraud, abuse, neglect, child endangerment, molestation, rape, and deaths of disabled children forced to stay in residential facilities owned by Universal Health Services and Psychiatric Solutions Inc. Disabled children stay in these facilities because their families cannot receive funding (about $100 per day) for community based services which would allow these children to live at home with their families. The government will only fund placement (at a cost of up to $1,000 per day) in for-profit facilities run by Psychiatric Solutions Inc. and Universal Health Services.
    Look at this FB page to see the facts.
    http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=326364429203&ref=ts

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