farcical aquatic ceremonies

Crocodile-On-Chicken Savagery To Determine Australia’s Next Ruler

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TWO ENTER ONE LEAVESWe already know that the Australian election coming up this weekend is just a way to kill time until the death of Elizabeth II unleashes anarchy on the country — anarchy that can only end in “Thunderdome Law.” But now the civilized world has learned exactly how the Aussies intend to determine the winner of this election: not by casting “votes” in a dignified fashion like the good people of Florida or Iraq, but in accordance with the outcome of an act of brutal slaughter.

You are of course familiar with Paul the Octopus, the psychic German cephalopod who predicts the outcome of World Cup matches and insults Islam. Reflecting the peace-loving nature of the German people, Paul makes his predictions in a calm, thoughtful way, removing a flag from a plastic box. Australia, which wants in on this clairvoyant-beast action, does things a little differently.

A saltwater crocodile called Harry is to use his alleged psychic powers to pick the winner of this weekend’s general election in Australia. His keepers in Darwin say the huge reptile has a good track record.

He will put his powers to the test when two chickens of equal weight that bear photographs of the main party leaders are dangled over his enclosure. Whichever the 5m (16ft) croc chooses will, according to his handlers, win this weekend’s election.

By “chooses,” of course, we mean that Harry will leap up out of the murky swamp, clamp onto the hapless chicken with his powerful jaws, and devour it while it is still alive and squawking for mercy. This spectacle will take place in the presence of hordes of hooting, drunken Aussies pelting the croc, the chickens, and each other with bottles of Tooheys.

Proponents of the ceremony argue that it’s an improvement over the procedure that was in place until 1996, in which the candidates themselves were dangled over the crocodile’s enclosure, with the traumatized survivor becoming prime minister. [BBC]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • ManchuCandidate

    I’d rather they still use Thunderdome Law:

    “Listen all! This is the truth of it. Voting leads to parliament, and parliament gets to elections. And that was damn near the death of us all. Look at us now! Busted up, and everyone talking about no rain! But we’ve learned, by the dust of them all… Oddstralia learned. Now, when men and women get to electing, it happens here! And it finishes here! Two pols enter; one pol leaves. “

  • Sharkey

    Wake me up when somebody discovers a psychic bedbug.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oddly enough, crocodile-on-chicken savagery also describes Friday night at James Carville and Mary Matalin’s residence.

  • Baby who ate the Dingo

    Toohey’s? why not oil-can Fosters?

    Old saying: “Fosters: Australian for BEah”

    New Saying: “Whadja say mate? Crikey, theyuz a BEah in my EEah.”

  • FMA

    Still a better system than having the Supreme Court appoint someone.

  • wirehangers

    Australians are an interesting (in)breed. I was travelling around Oz with a Canadian flag sticker on my daypack and was told several times to ‘go back where I came from’.

  • Einstein&#39

    Now, if they would dangle two pit bulls with lipstick then I would watch. I know there is only the one and only but two would be twice as nice.

  • Pop Vulture

    right, and that “until 1996” business is why I dont take any of the “reporting” on this site seriously ^^^

  • mumblyjoe

    Nonsense. Everyone knows that Australia selects its king via Kangaroo-boxing

  • Norbert

    Australia has come a long way. Just a few years ago, it was the custom to dangle human babies in a croc pen.

  • Whiskeybaby

    Thanks, my native country, for continuing to perpetuate every lame stereotype foreigners have of you. ‘Nother prawn on the barbie, anyone?

  • Suds McKenzie

    Two go in, One comes out.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Chickens got it rough in this world.

  • Vulpes82

    Bearbloke, you have to be the Wonkette Special Correspondent on the Australian elections! Go to the Crocodile Ceremony and report back.

  • JMP

    Man, their Hunter dies and suddenly the crocodiles decide they’re gonna take over the place. Oh well, I for one welcome our new reptilian overlords.

  • populucious

    Two chickens enter!

    So do ya think the Aussie chapter of PETA just spend their days curled up in the corner crying?

  • iwillsavethispatient

    [re=641886]Baby who ate the Dingo[/re]: Bearbloke has not commented yet, so I’ll just put my Limey oar in: Foster’s is some joke beer that Australians inflict on the rest of the world, apparently they don’t drink it much themselves.

    [re=641908]Vulpes82[/re]: Yes! +1!

  • WhatTheHeck

    What a croc o shit. Everyone knows the leader of Oz is secretly selected by the Bilderburg consortium headed by fair and balanced Rupert Murdoch.

  • GOPCrusher

    I believe the TeeVee show, Wipeout, would be greatly enhanced if they put crocodiles in the water.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=641885]SayItWithWookies[/re]: HA! Deranged free range Cajun ragin’!

    [re=641876]ManchuCandidate[/re]: [re=641889]FMA[/re]: A combination of these two things explains how the United States ended up with President Master Blaster for the previous eight years.

  • S.Luggo

    Rasmussen is our country‘s croc.

    [re=641907]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: But if you believe the title of the book, they appear to be allowed to marry. At least in Arkansas.

  • Blogette

    *sniff* I miss home.

    Yeah – we just sell Fosters to other people. No one I know back home touch the stuff.

  • Blogette

    [re=641901]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Awww come on, mate, it’s just for a bit of fun =D Who cares anyways? Americans are seen around the world as best represented by the people on Jerry Springer OR Friends – croc & chicken violence seems ok in comparison =D

  • Blogette

    [re=641890]wirehangers[/re]: It’s just our way of saying welcome. If an Aussie is being seemingly “nice” & “polite” to you, they secretly think you’re a wanker and will probably TELL you that to your face pretty soon.

  • maven

    [re=641898]Norbert[/re]: Oh, for crying out loud, doesn’t anyone here know history? It was human babies dangled before DINGOES. Just ask Julia Louise Dreyfus.

  • Bearbloke

    Parliament House: Two MPs enter, ONE PM leaves…

    [re=641886]Baby who ate the Dingo[/re]: We export Foster to lands desperate enough to drink it… but down here it’s VB for the win – Happy Election day, Mates!

  • BM-dog

    IMPORTANT UPDATE: the ritual is now complete and the Labor Party has been lucky enough to have its chicken-leader, Gillard, devoured in a single gulp by a gigantic saltwater crocodile. There was a fair bit of discussion on one of the 24-hour news channels about whether this counts as a good omen.

    In other exciting election news, we are finally a true democracy, for [url=http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/08/19/2988107.htm]a candidate has resigned after being accused of child sex offences[/url]! Unfortunately we haven’t reached the democratic standards of Real Americans yet because he’s only a minor party candidate, and he isn’t heavily religious and homophobic so it doesn’t reach the incredible levels of irony that you guys achieve with your twice-weekly sex scandals. But we’re getting there.

  • BM-dog

    And obviously I am incapable of doing URLs properly. Apologies.

  • Bearbloke

    [re=641908]Vulpes82[/re]: What? And ruin the glorious absurdity of it all for you?… No, no, please feel free to watch it yerself, and laugh at us Antipodeans prattling on about the joy and vigour of Democracy whilst our Beloved Mother Goddess in Westminster Palace smiles down upoin our futile, impotent feints at true self-soverignty

    [re=642323]BM-dog[/re]: This one is still my fav sex scandal of the year so far… have another Bitter!

  • Frumious Canbrasnatch

    Congratulations to Wonkette on realising that Australians do not drink Fosters. Such cultural awareness is remarkable.

    That crocodile was stupid. It should have eaten BOTH chickens.