WAR ON BUGS  12:46 pm August 19, 2010

America’s Bedbug Infestation Requires Military Intervention

by Lauri Apple

Bedbug gangs!Bedbugs! They’re destroying Freedom & Liberty even faster than Debbie Riddle and terror babies combined. In Ohio and several other states, the critters have become so unruly that local governments are calling on the feds — including the Department of Defense — to help find a solution.

Why is Defense the agency you turn to when plotting your War on Bugs? Because they issue Technical Guides on pest management and control. Also, bedbugs might become a national security issue because they scare Americans. Scaring Americans often leads to Americans declaring war, and war is the DoD’s bailiwick. See how that works?

Your Wonkette remembers early rumblings of Bedbug Fever back in the mid-aughts, before the problem reached Full-Blown Epidemic proportions. At the time we lived in New York City, which has since turned into a war zone in which bedbugs compete with cockroaches for territorial control. It’s like the Bloods and Crips all over again. Oh, and did you hear about those bedbugs who crashed the Manhattan movie theaters the other day? They’re worse than not-mosques.

For whatever reason, bedbugs have also become a serious problem in Ohio, which they seem to regard as some sort of paradise. What is this attraction to the Buckeye State all about? Maybe the bugs want to destroy the lives of Oberlin College students, or at the very least stop them from fornicating. At any rate, they’ve become so unruly that in Cincinnati people have turned to sleeping in the streets, because their beds have become bedbug nightclubs.

Bedbugs who have crossed into neighboring Kentucky have also taken over people’s apartments, holding movie marathons and eating up all the frozen pizzas and snacks. Even in Sarah Palin’s Alaska, ABC reports, bedbug infestation has reportedly increased by “800 percent,” because their small size makes them difficult to shoot from helicopters and snowmobiles. [ABC News/Time]

 
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{ 29 comments }

BlueStateLiberal August 19, 2010 at 12:53 pm

Well this is easy, just carpet-bomb the little bastards.

just pixels August 19, 2010 at 12:56 pm

They thrive in muslin. (Too obvious?)

SayItWithWookies August 19, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Maybe they need to pray more — I hear that fixes everything.

Terry August 19, 2010 at 12:58 pm

I predict a black market for DDT bombs.

Extemporanus August 19, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Nuke the entire state from orbit — it’s the only way to be sure.

Sharkey August 19, 2010 at 1:03 pm

They’re almost as bad as fungus gnats.

Sharkey August 19, 2010 at 1:06 pm

Check this out. Woof!

Oblios Cap August 19, 2010 at 1:23 pm

[re=641861]Sharkey[/re]:

Cool! Sara the Bedbug Dog, eh? No relation to our Sara, I hope.

WhatTheHeck August 19, 2010 at 1:23 pm

This is another instance of too much govmint in our lives. Wonkette, help keep big govmint out of our beds.

DemmeFatale August 19, 2010 at 1:29 pm

[re=641861]Sharkey[/re]: My dogs could do this if it didn’t interfere with their 12-hours-a-day napping schedule.

geminisunmars August 19, 2010 at 1:34 pm

Nighty night, and don’t . . .

S.Luggo August 19, 2010 at 1:37 pm

Newt’s Contract with America was supposed to prevent this. Very disappointed.

Jan Brewer believes they’re Meskin, here to steal the jobs of American bedbugs. Me, I think their Fraunch, that filthy people.

S.Luggo August 19, 2010 at 1:40 pm

[re=641887]S.Luggo[/re]: “they’re” not “their”. Shit. I’m becoming part of the 18%. help

Naked Bunny with a Whip August 19, 2010 at 1:44 pm

How long until the wingnuts blame this on illegal immigrants?

GOPCrusher August 19, 2010 at 1:44 pm

Bedbugs? Or crabs?

azw88 August 19, 2010 at 1:46 pm

[re=641861]Sharkey[/re]: so, what does Sara the bed-bug dog do to alert you to the presence of bed-bugs, pee on your pillow??

S.Luggo August 19, 2010 at 1:48 pm

The Manhattan movie theatre was playing, “The Christmas Sweater – A Return To Redemption.”

Extemporanus August 19, 2010 at 1:56 pm

[re=641841]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: I was [re=641854]late to enlist[/re], but I’m doing my part now, Trooper!

[re=641887]S.Luggo[/re]: [re=641895]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: SERVICE GUARANTEES CITIZENSHIP!

Cicada August 19, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Cower in fear, little humans, for soon my insect brethren will RULE THE WORLD!!!!! Moohoohahahahaha. Mwahaha. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

TrailerSpawned August 19, 2010 at 2:00 pm

[re=641895]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Already in the comments of the Time article above, links to photos of border crossings, etc.

Cicada August 19, 2010 at 2:26 pm

[re=641920]TrailerSpawned[/re]: Bed bugs are often spread by tourists, so they should really be linking to pictures of pudgy white people with fanny packs and Hawaiian shirts.

S.Luggo August 19, 2010 at 2:33 pm

[re=641910]Extemporanus[/re]:
Jean Rasczak: You. Why are only citizens allowed to vote?
Student: It’s a reward. Something the federation gives you for doing federal service.
Jean Rasczak: No. Something given has no basis in value. When you vote, you are exercising political authority, you’re using force. And force my friends is violence. The supreme authority from which all other authorities are derived.
^^^^
So it has been said, so shall it be done.

BOOBIES! August 19, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Can’t we learn to coexist with our parasite overlords, like bedbugs and hookworms? Welcome to the bottom of the food chain humans.

GeneralLerong August 19, 2010 at 2:34 pm

At least bedbugs don’t carry horrible diseases…unlike these charmers, which drop onto sleeping victims in the dead of night:

http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/2000/2082.html

Another reason to stay out of Ohio. And Minnesota, too. Also. You betcha.

steverino247 August 19, 2010 at 2:59 pm

[re=641849]Terry[/re]: When I was stationed in Korea in 1975, we found a can of Army DDT bug spray (OD Green can) in some storage container we were supposed to clear out. We decided, despite the ban, to test spray a thick cloud of insects flying around a light at the guard post. Lights at night in Korea attract so many bugs, you sometimes can’t see the lights any more. Spritz! Everything dropped immediately dead to the ground. “Oooh, shit! Well, now we know why it’s banned. Somebody throw that shit away.”

Oldskool August 19, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Creepiest story of the year. Literally.

geminisunmars August 19, 2010 at 3:35 pm

[re=641954]GeneralLerong[/re]: Thanks for the insomnia.

AxmxZ August 19, 2010 at 4:48 pm

[re=642047]geminisunmars[/re]: Don’t worry about the triatomines. The Chagas they’ll give you is quite incurable and will definitely kill you, but usually not until you’re either old or your immune system is otherwise compromised.

(For a split second in time, I was the foremost expert in classification of triatomines in the southwestern US. Don’t ask how or why.)

ejreed August 19, 2010 at 7:25 pm

The war on bugs, NYC style
NYC Looks to Stop Spreading Bedbug Infestations
One of every 15 New Yorkers battled bedbugs last year, officials said Wednesday as they announced a plan to fight the spreading infestation, including a public-awareness campaign and a top entomologist to head the effort.
http://www.newslook.com/videos/233673-nyc-looks-to-stop-spreading-bedbug-infestations?autoplay=true

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