Alaska: America’s Leech!

  Spoiled Brats

Every ice-brick was bought with federal moneyLike Australia, Alaska is a prison colony of persons too unsavory to hack it in their O.G. motherland. Oh, and also there are native people who were there first, like Todd Palin. Peer into the heart of this province of skullduggery and chicanery, and watch as it nurses the lifeblood from Amerikkka’s teat!

Here are some math and numbers:

Although its unemployment rate sits at just 7.9 percent, about two percentage points below the national rate, Alaska has received $3,145 per capita in federal stimulus dollars as of May, the most in the nation, according to figures compiled by Pro Publica, an investigative Web site. Nevada, by contrast, has an unemployment rate north of 14 percent and has received $1,034 per capita in recovery aid. Florida’s jobless rate is 11.4 percent, and the state has obtained $914 per capita.

This disgusting repository of bastard people, which functions mainly as a place for your lesbian aunt to take her “friend” on a nice cold cruise, fronts like it don’t want no monies. But actually, its hand is permanently stuck in our collective cookie jar.

No place benefits more from federal largess than this state, where the Republican governor decries “intrusive” Obama administration policies, officials sue to overturn the health care legislation and Senator Lisa Murkowski, a Republican, voted against the stimulus bill.

Yank all the funds from this repository of whiny douchebags and give its many dollars to actual states, like Mississippi. [NYT]

Share This
 
Related video

About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

54 comments

  1. Katydid

    Totally O/T My Wonkette order shipped!!! I don’t remember what I ordered, but my snarky T-shirt is almost here!

    I apologize for the interruption.

    Also, Trucknutz!

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Yeah, but at $3,145 per capita, that expenditure comes to just under $1600. So let ‘em keep it.

  3. CrunchyKnee

    [re=641306]Katydid[/re]: My order shipped today, also too! All paid for with federal socialist stimulus DOLLARZ(tm). What a time to be an American!

  4. Whiskeybaby

    I love it when the Gray Lady gets all bitchy. Suck it Alaska!! Oh wait, you already are. Carry on then.

  5. Monsieur CrotchWatcher Grumpe

    With all that sweet, sweet free money you get for just living in Alaska you would think that all the socialist welfare parasites would be climbing those fences that Alaska put up to keep them out.

    What? No fences around Alaska?

  6. GeneralLerong

    I think lots and lots of people should move to Alaska. The scenery is swell. Then the redneck douchers and bible thumpers up here who got marooned after the pipeline construction can sell their homes and move someplace with good weather and cheap flights out…like North Dakota, maybe.

    Especially people should follow McGinniss’ example and move to Wasilla.

  7. Escape Goat Nation

    Sorry, gotta disagree.
    It’s my understanding that Alaska is populated largely by whimsical eccentric rugged individualistic over educated intellectuals. Really, has nobody seen Northern Exposure?

  8. OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin

    I wonder what Sarah would look like if she quit coloring her hair. I happen to like salt and pepper with no wrinkles. I bet she’d look fantastic.

  9. JMP

    All that money is a small price to pay for having the state protect us from the giant floating heat of Vladimir Putin.

  10. Atlas Spanked

    The NYT article was too kind. One in 5 paychecks is federal, or totally dependent on federal money. 7.9% is the summer unemployment rate; Damn near 30% of the population is on unemployment 7 months a year. Many people up there, as ‘nice’ Alaskans will happily tell you, are on the run from lower 48 warrants or child care payments, or interpersonal contact in general. Many of these cabin mumblers also get disability payments, or veteran’s benefits.

    Then there’s the PFD, the permanent fund dividend check, which Alaskans get around Jan 15th of each year. It was wisely established(under Democratic Governor Jay Hammond)during the boom years. Alaska took some of its oil royalties and deposited them into an investment portfolio. Every man, woman and infant gets between $500 and $3,200 annually, depending on the fund’s performance and economic outlook. In 2008 that was $3,200-plus. True state socialism. When I asked a friend what most Alaskan do with the money, he made glass-tipping motions. Alaskans themselves call it the Permanent Drinking Fund.

    Like most losers, these types of people focus their hopes on the ‘big score’, thinking that if the feds (and all regulation) just disappeared, they’d get rich gold prospecting or fur trapping, and that the oil boom (actually a pipeline construction boom) would come back in spades. Even petro analysts say those bon temps will not roulez again, because there’s a glut of natural gas, and Lower 48 oil is cheaper to transport.

    I believe this explains much of the attitude in our 49th state.
    Class dismissed.

  11. iwillsavethispatient

    [re=641308]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Can you have half a capitum? I thought Alaska managed to claim seals as residents for Federal money purposes, so it might be more than that.

    [re=641306]Katydid[/re]: Ditto! I’ll be able to be clothed finally. No more indecent exposure tickets.

  12. GeneralLerong

    [re=641326]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: Alas, the bears ate them all. So now we need more Democrats to move in. Did I mention Wasilla has lots of inexpensive properties? Many even have indoor plumbing.

  13. Sgt. Biyatch

    Of that $3145, $2950 is spent on alcohol, and the remaining amount is spent on whale blubber pudding, so I don’t feel so bad.
    And since Uncle Ted is no longer with us, look for the gravy train to be carrying a lighter load.

  14. BOOBIES!

    [re=641333]Atlas Spanked[/re]:

    “When I asked a friend what most Alaskans do with the money, he made glass-tipping motions. Alaskans themselves call it the Permanent Drinking Fund.”

    And now we understand the secret of Palin’s political success.

  15. ManchuCandidate

    So much for the rugged independence of Alaskans.

    Like a Libertarian who believes he’s a self made man while living in mommy’s basement.

  16. Monsieur CrotchWatcher Grumpe

    [re=641333]Atlas Spanked[/re]:
    Permanent Drinking Fund?
    You make it sound like paradise.

  17. imissopus

    [re=641335]chascates[/re]: I hate to give the Wonkette store the competition, but I posted that first image from a Facebook link before checking out the rest of the site and seeing the t-shirts. Such moral dilemmas!

  18. GeneralLerong

    The obvious solution, of course, is to pay everyone in every state $3,145.

    With a rider stating that any state whose congressional delegation squawks about taking the money, doesn’t get any. To be effective after November elections.

  19. GOPCrusher

    [re=641331]imissopus[/re]: Another example of Democrats “fanning the flames”. Wonder how long you could wear one of those shirts out in public before some lunatic rolls up on you and threatens to take Second Amendment Remedies? WITH VOTES!

  20. Ducksworthy

    [re=641326]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: That’s Homer. The largest outdoor asylum on the North American continent.

  21. WhatTheHeck

    The Aurora Borealis in Alaska, with its fancy, dancing lights in the sky, cause disillusion in some.
    People build bridges to nowhere. Some think they are capable of running the country. Some want to drill, baby, drill.’
    Its the Gamma radiation really.

  22. Clancy_Pants

    [re=641326]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: Alaska was too weird for even Hollywood (and too far and too cold). Had to film the exteriors in witty and intellectual Roslyn WA. They did go for McCain in 2008 if that counts.

  23. Nathan Arizona Sr.

    So all my hard earned kay-sh is going to teh eskimoz!? And my dumb shit fellow Americans are on the cusp of putting back into office the very fuck wits who caused this whole GawdDamn mess!!! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Since I’m too lazy and chicken shit to kill myself, I will now sit on my sofa and play Red Dead Redemption until the 2012 thing hopefully happens.

  24. Chet Kincaid

    Too many “repositories.” Next time, try “orifice”, “fundament vent”, “porthole” or “assburger extruder.”

    I also hate about Alaska that nobody ever dies or wrecks on-camera on “Ice Road Truckers”, no matter how many times they tease us with that pipes-ramming-through-the-cab animation. I’m surprised Hugh The Polar Bear and Alex haven’t fled back to Canada in disgust yet.

  25. natoslug

    [re=641326]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: That was my understanding as well, but mine was based on spending a few weeks up there 25 years ago with relatives and meeting all of their hippie neighbors. I seem to recall lots of pot, dogs named Bob and Fred, kids named Meadow and Waterfall, and way too many mosquitoes. Or maybe all that pot affected my memory.

  26. BlueStateLiberal

    And it figures that a Palin (Todd) belonged to a party that wanted Alaska to secede from the Union. Todd, why do you want Alaskans to give up all that free sweet federal cash?

  27. Geogre

    Don’t give the money to Mississippi until Haley Barbour is gone in an implosion of dying pancreatic islet cells and liver enzymes. Then give them the money, because they need it.

    Alaska, on the other hand, already gets money from the oil companies as a payment for the Alaska Pipeline. Therefore, while Alaskans can’t actually make anything the rest of the country needs, given the weather, it can stand around and get paid while things get taken from there.

  28. WriteyWriterton

    Kin ah get me some that gubmint moh-nay? With none a them gubmint strings attached?

    One of those strings being respect for the f*&^kin’ Lower 48′s “taxpayers” from the net-contributor Blue states who keep your sorry-assed igloo-shanties from sinking into the tundra? That would be addressed, by the by, at http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1451268

    No, I guess not.

    So…not “taxpayers.” “Suckers.” Fixed!

  29. WABishop

    [re=641329]OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin[/re]: Her hair would be pure white, like that chick from The Stand.

  30. weejee

    [re=641331]imissopus[/re]: Obama was born in Mordor? Heard rumors that Cheney was the only begotten son of Gollum (nasty little librual, what has it gots in its pocketses?), but Barry too. Who knew?

  31. iburl

    OT: Could you get rid of that disgusting Jenna Jameson ad? It reduces my at-work Wonkette comfort factor and my all-around chubb factor. If you’re going to have a pron star ad, why not one that’s under 50? and by “under 50″ I mean under 50 years old and under 50% plastic.

  32. artpepper

    [re=641448]WriteyWriterton[/re]: So basically Republicans have been right all along, and welfare creates a permanent class of lazy deadbeats — i.e., Republicans.

  33. knittingbull

    [re=641333]Atlas Spanked[/re]: We usually get the PFD the first week in October. The reason it was $3200 in 2008 was
    the Qwitter on Twitter jacked up the taxes on the oil companies and gave every man, woman and child an extra $1600
    (we figured she was trying to buy the Vice Presidency). The reason a lot of people are out of work 7 months of the year
    is they fish during the summer and make most of their money then, and most of the construction season is shut down
    over the winter.

  34. Ducksworthy

    [re=641492]knittingbull[/re]: So 5 months of work and 7 months of drinking in the dark. Right?

  35. S.Luggo

    Have we paid the Russians for Alaska yet? Stop the damn check.

    And isn’t a ‘capita’ a genus of muskrat?

    As far as the $3,145 per man, woman and squalling infant is concerned, pshaw I say. Most of the stimulus dollars is going towards the new Ted Stevens School of Aeronautical and Hot Tub Design.

  36. Elephants Gerald

    [re=641456]iburl[/re]: I’m with you. I enjoy a shot of Jameson’s on occasion, but this one is too old.

  37. DangerousLiberal

    [re=641333]Atlas Spanked[/re]: Class not quite dismissed yet. Jay Hammond was a Republican. And I think I found the Fox News Channel mole here. And those sweet, sweet money checks weren’t all spent on booze–they were also spent on snowmachines and ATVs, on which drunks would ride briefly, until they drove over a cliff, or fell through the ice, or hit that neck-high guy wire at 50 mph. Population control!

    Seriously, except for that little error (back then, you couldn’t tell a D from an R anyway–they all belonged to the oil party) A.S. is dead on.

    But as a former Alaskan, I’d be all indignant about this NYT story. We earned all that federal money the hard way–by being there. After all, growing up in Anchorage (Wasilla’s suburb to the south), we suffered all sorts of privations, like no cable TV and that one year when the power went out during the Super Bowl(tm), America’s orgy of commerce and simulated warfare. So y’all (we said that in Alaskan ’cause every other Alaskan is a Texan or Okie) just don’t understand how hard it is to live up in that cold, cold, place.

    However, I can only be so indignant. After all, when I left I had to be pried off the federal tit to which I was clamped, welded, and superglued.

  38. jennx

    We also have no idea what taxes are. Our borough needed to “raise” property taxes by an average of $2 a month. “Raise” is in quotes because the rate was still lower than every year except a couple during the real estate bubble. The borough assembly chambers was filled with people decrying this “communist” takeover of private monies. It was gross. We have no income tax, no state sales tax, and most communities have no local sales tax. But the sense of entitlement remains huge. Case in point, a rascal riding lady came to the city council meeting to complain about the lack of snow removal on the sidewalks. As she turned to scoot out, you could see the sign she’d put on the back of her rig: “Vote NO on sales tax. AGAIN.” In makes my brain hurt just thinking about it.

Comments are closed.