prodigal sons

George Allen Totally Loves Being a Jew Now

Watermelons are kosher and delicious!George Allen, remember all the fun we had with that guy? Remember when he found out his mother was secretly Jewish and then he had a big freakout when someone asked him about it? And then he lost his Senate re-election, because of of his Jewish nature, or maybe something else, we forget now. Well, in the years since (yes, it’s really been four years since those good times), he’s apparently come more to terms with his Jewitude, because he’s giving a speech at the “National Jewish Retreat,” organized by the Lubavitchers (aka “The Wackiest Jews”)!

What will Allen be telling the assembled Jewry?

Allen chose this year’s Retreat venue to reflect on this remarkable story because of the diverse and broadly representative Jewish audience the Retreat attracts.

“I’ve always believed and declared that the freedom of conscience is the First Pillar of a Free and Just Society, and I have long admired the great American visionaries who made Freedom of Religion a cornerstone of our Constitution.” Allen commented.

“That core philosophical principle also became deeply personal for me when my mother shared the fact of our Jewish ancestry. I saw firsthand how the Nazi occupation had left scars and an enduring fear that caused her to believe the best way to protect her children was to conceal their ancestry.”

He will probably not explain his love of filthy pork:

Allen sought to further dismiss the issue [in 2006], telling a reporter that he’d had a ham sandwich for lunch and that his mother makes great pork chops. Jewish dietary rules forbid pork.

Why would Allen be making peace with his estranged people now? Perhaps he’s trying to integrate his history and sense of self, so he can grow as a person. Or maybe, as the Talmudic studies journal The Politico suggests, he’s preparing for a rematch with Jim Webb. Yes, that seems more likely. WOO! GEORGE ALLEN 2012 FEVER! CATCH IT!

To be fair, Allen started feeling much more warmly toward Judaism years ago, when he found out he could skip out of work on all its crazy holidays. [Lubavitch.com/AP/Politico]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Comments

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  • Urbanachiever

    Will he be bringing his beloved football to the speech?

  • Sleeves

    God it’s so silly; and amazing that these fools would stimulate folks[?] into respect for our mere-Mideast foreign policy.

  • Autochthon

    Watermelon is only kosher if it’s properly slaughtered…

  • Extemporanus

    George Allen is the Sammy Davis, Jr. of our time.

  • Otto Reimer

    I can’t wait to have a pulled-pork sammie at the George Allen Mosque down at the Ground Zero.

  • http://joshreads.com Josh Fruhlinger

    [re=641221]Urbanachiever[/re]: Haha, the one George Allen trope I forgot! Thank you for preserving our beloved heritage of laughter.

  • Prommie

    Davining is the only thing on earth creepier than that eyes-closed-waving-hands-in-the-air thing christ-tards do at christ-tard rock concerts, and the Lubavitchers do it all the fucking time.

  • Otto Reimer

    [re=641221]Urbanachiever[/re]: George would politely ask you refer to it as the Pigskin, so the meme will be properly fleshed out by the other white meat.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=641227]Otto Reimer[/re]: I’m most looking forward to the annual watermelon Seder-spitting contest.

  • JMP

    I’m sure his buddies at the Council of White Citizens have always treated the Jews with respect

  • Radiotherapy

    [re=641226]Extemporanus[/re]: What? They both like watermelons?

  • ttommyunger

    I wonder if he loves being a dick?

  • Oblios Cap

    [re=641232]Otto Reimer[/re]:

    beat me to the punch…

  • SmutBoffin

    [re=641221]Urbanachiever[/re]: This is good news…FOR PROP FOOTBALLS.

  • Oblios Cap

    George likes being sorrounded by Lubavitchers. Now, after his next “Macaca moment”, he can just say “My Chabad”.

  • dijetlo

    George why you gotta head down to the schtetl and schmooz the fertummelt, alter cockers? You need these people like a loch en kopf. Oy, what a pisher.

  • freakishlystrong

    Hopefully, he’ll have a flashback and call them all kikes..

  • DickTaterPeeNoShay

    [re=641221]Urbanachiever[/re]: the one made from a pig?

  • Cape Clod

    You have to remember that this clown was actually considered a front runner for the GOP nomination back in 2006.

  • An Outhouse

    Maybe he can join fellow Jew Dr. Laura and trade anecdotes of minority slander.

  • JMP

    [re=641258]An Outhouse[/re]: I’m surprised there’s been no Wonkette mention of the Dr. Laura incidents, especially considering what a slow news day it is. I loved her angry quitting because she furious that people dared call her a racist, just because she was a total racist.

  • BklynIlluminati

    The wackier the jew the better the party.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=641241]Radiotherapy[/re]: That, and a nice, juicy bris cut.

    [re=641252]freakishlystrong[/re]: “Hut, hut…KIKE!”

  • M Lite

    I wonder if he applies his love of religious protections to the “Ground Zero Mosque.” Has he taken a position on this? Because my guess is it would be ironic.

  • Terry

    [re=641221]Urbanachiever[/re]:

    PIgskin, no less.

  • SayItWithWookies

    He’s as Jewish as the main character in Driving Miss Daisy — whose name I forget. Oh yeah — Morgan Freeman.

  • weejee

    Is George Allen trying to audition to be the Piddler on the Roof?

  • Otto Reimer

    [re=641237]Extemporanus[/re]: Seder Season Speed Seed Spitting Spectacular!

    Jew know it’s gonna be fun!

  • Extemporanus

    [re=641279]Otto Reimer[/re]: “This fellow here — over here with the hair shirt — ‘Jewbacca’, or whatever his name is…”

  • Doglessliberal

    Nice to do this during Ramadan. Did he mention whether freedom of religion applies to mosque-builders?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Oy, what a schmuck.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Allen next addresses the Cuban-American crowd: “What jew takin’ ‘bout mang.”

  • GOPCrusher

    [re=641259]JMP[/re]: Well Bible Spice quit because the Alaska legislature was threatening to investigate her for ethics violations, so I guess it’s safe to assume that Dr. Laura is planning on running for President in 2012.

  • Airborne Toxic Event

    But I bet the little bitch doesn’t know the dreidel song.

  • finallyhappy

    [re=641358]Airborne Toxic Event[/re]: Cmon, that and HAva nagilah are the “Jewish” songs everyone knows. George thinks they are prayers

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=641259]JMP[/re]: She’s going to get her right to free speech back by no longer talking. Well, I WISH that were the case, but I’m sure she’ll never really shut her trap.

  • Rentboy.gov

    HAVA, HAVA MACACA!
    LET US REJOICE & BE GLAD

  • getoffmylawn

    When will the heretofore secret video (Beta, not VHS) come out of his bar mitzvah? I do hope he got some nice fountain pens for the great job he did with his haftorah.

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    Goniff.