PRODIGAL SONS  3:14 pm August 18, 2010

George Allen Totally Loves Being a Jew Now

by Josh Fruhlinger

Watermelons are kosher and delicious!George Allen, remember all the fun we had with that guy? Remember when he found out his mother was secretly Jewish and then he had a big freakout when someone asked him about it? And then he lost his Senate re-election, because of of his Jewish nature, or maybe something else, we forget now. Well, in the years since (yes, it’s really been four years since those good times), he’s apparently come more to terms with his Jewitude, because he’s giving a speech at the “National Jewish Retreat,” organized by the Lubavitchers (aka “The Wackiest Jews”)!

What will Allen be telling the assembled Jewry?

Allen chose this year’s Retreat venue to reflect on this remarkable story because of the diverse and broadly representative Jewish audience the Retreat attracts.

“I’ve always believed and declared that the freedom of conscience is the First Pillar of a Free and Just Society, and I have long admired the great American visionaries who made Freedom of Religion a cornerstone of our Constitution.” Allen commented.

“That core philosophical principle also became deeply personal for me when my mother shared the fact of our Jewish ancestry. I saw firsthand how the Nazi occupation had left scars and an enduring fear that caused her to believe the best way to protect her children was to conceal their ancestry.”

He will probably not explain his love of filthy pork:

Allen sought to further dismiss the issue [in 2006], telling a reporter that he’d had a ham sandwich for lunch and that his mother makes great pork chops. Jewish dietary rules forbid pork.

Why would Allen be making peace with his estranged people now? Perhaps he’s trying to integrate his history and sense of self, so he can grow as a person. Or maybe, as the Talmudic studies journal The Politico suggests, he’s preparing for a rematch with Jim Webb. Yes, that seems more likely. WOO! GEORGE ALLEN 2012 FEVER! CATCH IT!

To be fair, Allen started feeling much more warmly toward Judaism years ago, when he found out he could skip out of work on all its crazy holidays. []

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Urbanachiever August 18, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Will he be bringing his beloved football to the speech?

Sleeves August 18, 2010 at 3:22 pm

God it’s so silly; and amazing that these fools would stimulate folks[?] into respect for our mere-Mideast foreign policy.

Autochthon August 18, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Watermelon is only kosher if it’s properly slaughtered…

Extemporanus August 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm

George Allen is the Sammy Davis, Jr. of our time.

Otto Reimer August 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm

I can’t wait to have a pulled-pork sammie at the George Allen Mosque down at the Ground Zero.

Josh Fruhlinger August 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm

[re=641221]Urbanachiever[/re]: Haha, the one George Allen trope I forgot! Thank you for preserving our beloved heritage of laughter.

Prommie August 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Davining is the only thing on earth creepier than that eyes-closed-waving-hands-in-the-air thing christ-tards do at christ-tard rock concerts, and the Lubavitchers do it all the fucking time.

Otto Reimer August 18, 2010 at 3:25 pm

[re=641221]Urbanachiever[/re]: George would politely ask you refer to it as the Pigskin, so the meme will be properly fleshed out by the other white meat.

Extemporanus August 18, 2010 at 3:29 pm

[re=641227]Otto Reimer[/re]: I’m most looking forward to the annual watermelon Seder-spitting contest.

JMP August 18, 2010 at 3:30 pm

I’m sure his buddies at the Council of White Citizens have always treated the Jews with respect

Radiotherapy August 18, 2010 at 3:31 pm

[re=641226]Extemporanus[/re]: What? They both like watermelons?

ttommyunger August 18, 2010 at 3:32 pm

I wonder if he loves being a dick?

Oblios Cap August 18, 2010 at 3:32 pm

[re=641232]Otto Reimer[/re]:

beat me to the punch…

SmutBoffin August 18, 2010 at 3:33 pm

[re=641221]Urbanachiever[/re]: This is good news…FOR PROP FOOTBALLS.

Oblios Cap August 18, 2010 at 3:36 pm

George likes being sorrounded by Lubavitchers. Now, after his next “Macaca moment”, he can just say “My Chabad”.

dijetlo August 18, 2010 at 3:37 pm

George why you gotta head down to the schtetl and schmooz the fertummelt, alter cockers? You need these people like a loch en kopf. Oy, what a pisher.

freakishlystrong August 18, 2010 at 3:37 pm

Hopefully, he’ll have a flashback and call them all kikes..

DickTaterPeeNoShay August 18, 2010 at 3:37 pm

[re=641221]Urbanachiever[/re]: the one made from a pig?

Cape Clod August 18, 2010 at 3:40 pm

You have to remember that this clown was actually considered a front runner for the GOP nomination back in 2006.

An Outhouse August 18, 2010 at 3:42 pm

Maybe he can join fellow Jew Dr. Laura and trade anecdotes of minority slander.

JMP August 18, 2010 at 3:45 pm

[re=641258]An Outhouse[/re]: I’m surprised there’s been no Wonkette mention of the Dr. Laura incidents, especially considering what a slow news day it is. I loved her angry quitting because she furious that people dared call her a racist, just because she was a total racist.

BklynIlluminati August 18, 2010 at 3:46 pm

The wackier the jew the better the party.

Extemporanus August 18, 2010 at 3:46 pm

[re=641241]Radiotherapy[/re]: That, and a nice, juicy bris cut.

[re=641252]freakishlystrong[/re]: “Hut, hut…KIKE!”

M Lite August 18, 2010 at 3:47 pm

I wonder if he applies his love of religious protections to the “Ground Zero Mosque.” Has he taken a position on this? Because my guess is it would be ironic.

Terry August 18, 2010 at 3:49 pm


PIgskin, no less.

SayItWithWookies August 18, 2010 at 3:50 pm

He’s as Jewish as the main character in Driving Miss Daisy — whose name I forget. Oh yeah — Morgan Freeman.

weejee August 18, 2010 at 3:57 pm

Is George Allen trying to audition to be the Piddler on the Roof?

Otto Reimer August 18, 2010 at 4:02 pm

[re=641237]Extemporanus[/re]: Seder Season Speed Seed Spitting Spectacular!

Jew know it’s gonna be fun!

Extemporanus August 18, 2010 at 4:05 pm

[re=641279]Otto Reimer[/re]: “This fellow here — over here with the hair shirt — ‘Jewbacca’, or whatever his name is…”

Doglessliberal August 18, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Nice to do this during Ramadan. Did he mention whether freedom of religion applies to mosque-builders?

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 18, 2010 at 4:12 pm

Oy, what a schmuck.

WhatTheHeck August 18, 2010 at 4:31 pm

Allen next addresses the Cuban-American crowd: “What jew takin’ ‘bout mang.”

GOPCrusher August 18, 2010 at 4:53 pm

[re=641259]JMP[/re]: Well Bible Spice quit because the Alaska legislature was threatening to investigate her for ethics violations, so I guess it’s safe to assume that Dr. Laura is planning on running for President in 2012.

Airborne Toxic Event August 18, 2010 at 5:23 pm

But I bet the little bitch doesn’t know the dreidel song.

finallyhappy August 18, 2010 at 6:23 pm

[re=641358]Airborne Toxic Event[/re]: Cmon, that and HAva nagilah are the “Jewish” songs everyone knows. George thinks they are prayers

AnnieGetYourFun August 18, 2010 at 6:24 pm

[re=641259]JMP[/re]: She’s going to get her right to free speech back by no longer talking. Well, I WISH that were the case, but I’m sure she’ll never really shut her trap. August 18, 2010 at 6:37 pm


getoffmylawn August 18, 2010 at 8:29 pm

When will the heretofore secret video (Beta, not VHS) come out of his bar mitzvah? I do hope he got some nice fountain pens for the great job he did with his haftorah.

Capitol Hillbilly August 19, 2010 at 2:24 am


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