synchronic theories of the universe

Sharron Angle Is a Founding Father, Because History All Happens At Once

I'm just like Ben Franklin!Apparently Sharron Angle has been taking some heat from the Republican leadership for her refusal to talk to, or even make direct eye contact with, members of the press. So she finally invited the New York Times and other big city members of the lamestream media JournoList cabal to come talk to her, and, “under the gaze of a half-dozen advisers and an official videographer,” she managed to mostly not be insane, except for a stray moment when she revealed that she doesn’t believe in human progress or, indeed, in the linear progression of time.

Do you think that maybe Sharron Angle is too conservative? Well, I hope you like having Ben Franklin’s ghost haunting you, because when you mess with Sharron, you mess with Ben!

Ms. Angle said she was in step with most Nevada voters and dismissed Mr. Reid’s contention that she was too conservative.

“I’m sure that they probably said that about Thomas Jefferson and George Washington and Benjamin Franklin,” she said. “And truly, when you look at the Constitution and our founding fathers and their writings, the things that made this country great, you might draw those conclusions: That they were conservative. They were fiscally conservative and socially conservative.”

Yes, this is exactly what Harry Reid’s distant ancestor (Harold Reed-Smythe, 11th Earl of Pokington) would have said about Thomas Jefferson and George Washington and Benjamin Franklin, with their ideas of replacing a monarchy with a republic and creating a country without a state church: that they were too conservative. Clearly their goal in breaking away from Britain was to keep the Lobsterbacks, with their abortion clinics and their progressive income taxation structure, off of American soil.

Sponsored Video

Here is the problem — or, one of the problems — with morons like Sharron Angle. They are completely unable to grasp the fact that the specific issues that cause them such rage today were irrelevant 200 years ago (and will be irrelevant 200 years from now), and that “liberal” and “conservative” are labels for the way people feel about the current political landscape, not convenient shorthand terms for an unchanging collection of policy proposals. Do you think the Tea Party people realize that the actual Boston Tea Party was about an excise tax, not the income taxes they pay every year, and that the colonists’ main complaint was not that it was too high but that it was imposed by a legislature they didn’t get to vote for? Do they even know what an excise tax is?

But, no, whatever, Angle sees that the Founding Fathers believed in an elected system of government and sees that as conservative rather than radical, because, after all, we’ve had elected officials for over 200 years! See? Conservative! Fortunately, her only interest in history involves the years between 1776 and 1789. Don’t try to make her fit, say, debates on bimetallism or railroad rates into her liberal/conservative dichotomy — it will make her head explode.

Anyway, just as Sharron Angle does not recognize that human society evolves over time, so too does she not see any need for any changes to her campaign.

Asked if her campaign had done anything wrong, she responded, “I don’t think so.”

And asked if she would be doing anything differently going forward, Ms. Angle paused again and said, “I can’t think of anything like that.”

Sharron Angle literally can not think of anything changing, ever. She lives in an eternal present moment. [NYT]

Related

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

84 comments

  1. One Yield Regular

    Sharron Angle’s problem is that she isn’t being nearly conservative ENOUGH. A REAL conservative would demand that we get back to those glorious Founding Father days of yore when Sharron Angle could neither run for office nor vote.

  2. ExecutorElassus

    I would try to come up with something along the lines of
    “She later went on to discuss how Jesus was a conservative because *duh!*, Jesus!”

    But then I realize that she is actually The Buddha, or Lao Tse, living in the Now.
    Or maybe she’s Alvin Greene’s sensei or some shit. God, I can’t keep these people straight. They’re all so goddamn *deep*, you know? I’ll go back to bashing my head in with a scotch bottle, and stop trying to follow this election cycle.

  3. ArkansasFred

    Stop. Just stop. I can’t take anymore. I have no more tears to cry for the current political situation. It’s too weird and sad and terrible. How did we get there? How did the United States, a country that I love and will defend against all idiots, foreign and domestic, get to this point? This woman, and her ilk, are stupid people. They are stupid. That’s the only way I can describe them. They are stupid and have no intention of learning anything. Sad.

  4. neoplatonic

    I somehow doubt that she’s read anything by a “Founding Father.” Especially the Franklin guy.

  5. Ducksworthy

    So Sharron “All cats are grey in the dark” Angle is true to the unchanging principles of the Founding Fathers. Although I’d always thought of Ben as more of a Founding Lecherous Old Uncle than a father he does seem to be one of the 2 or 3 these idiots can remember. A word of caution, Sharron, some of those cats have STD’s.

  6. edgydrifter

    Yes, nothing says “conservative” like a bunch of wild-eyed radicals violently overthrowing a stable and established government. Che Guevara, William Buckley, basically the same person.

  7. Dashboard_Buddha

    Corrections:

    Asked if her campaign had done anything wrong, she responded, “I don’t think so.”

    And asked if she would be doing anything differently going forward, Ms. Angle paused again and said, “I can’t think of anything like that.”

    It should be
    -I don’t think. and
    -I can’t think

  8. DonkeyPants

    Applying logic to the tea party’s rantings is like applying peanut butter to your genitals when your dog is sleeping- it doesn’t do anyone any good. Yes- they’re morans. Yes, they’re contradictory in ways they can’t fathom. But, any argument that contradicts their position is just librul, socialist, lamestream gotcha lies.

  9. Troubledog

    Her two waffle phrases “I don’t think so” and “I can’t think of anything like that” are textbook George W Bush. She has definitely upgraded her entourage and her message posse.

    Somebody in #tcot is worried that their presumed-to-be-a-slam-dunk trophy of Harry Reid’s head on a platter is in jeopardy.

  10. Geogre

    Thomas Jefferson founded a university without a chapel — first one — University of Virginia. He insisted that there be no church on campus at all.

    As soon as he died, of course, they built one.

    Now why, when he supports Pat Robertson and Sharron Anger, and all the rest, did he do that?

  11. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=641149]Ducksworthy[/re]: Well, old Ben may not have been a total lech, but he certainly dipped his quill in more than one inkwell:

    In 1730, at the age of 24, Franklin publicly acknowledged an illegitimate son named William, who would eventually become the last Loyalist governor of New Jersey. While the identity of William’s mother remains unknown, perhaps the responsibility of an infant child gave Franklin a reason to take up residence with Deborah Read. William was raised in the Franklin household but eventually broke with his father over opinions regarding the treatment of the colonies by the British government. The elder Franklin could never accept William’s decision to declare his loyalty to the crown.

  12. Serolf Divad

    America was founded so that there would be at least one God fearing nation on this planet where gays could not be wed and in so doing defile the traditional institution of polygamous mormon marriage between a man and seven women.

  13. PuffAdder

    Well, in the past of tomorrow, where I heard Ms Angle speak about social conservatism in the new era of pre-post temporal backwards looking forwardism, I was going to ask her “Are you a complete retard?” and she used to reply “I am was not.” which cleared things up nicely.

  14. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    You have to admit, though, that banging slaves and producing children out of wed lock does sound very Conservative, by any standards.

    Same with Franklin’s whoring around. Hell, he probably even wore a diaper while doing it.

  15. Whiskeybaby

    What Sharron Angle’s campaign really needs is the triumphant return of that wag who yelled out
    “Make me a sandwich!” (or was it “Iron my shirts”? whatevs, something hilariously unoffensive like that) at one of Hillary’s campaign stops back in the 2008 primaries. Remember those halcyon days? When only about 80% of elected and wannabe elected officals were full-blown sociopaths? Nostalgia.

  16. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Of course, the most Conservative thing about the founders was their constant threat to bomb Iran and North Korea.

    That, and their love of wearing wigs and tight costumes.

  17. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    She lives in an eternal present moment.

    So she has no concept of time, and she looks vaguely like a hamster. Hmm!

  18. Limeylizzie

    Would someone please get this creature to a dentist and get her teeth whitened or just send her some Crest White Strips, yes I know I am English and this is irony of some magnitude, but I have a lovely teeth c/o the N.H.S.

  19. grendel

    Sharon Angle is the Buddhist candidate… She’s just practicing mindfulness and is in the ever-present moment. Future and past are not the concerns of the Buddha, because focusing on the past is narcissism and focusing on the future is striving for control of a world we have no control over and causes suffering.

  20. mamandesfilles

    Yep, Ben Franklin, patriot, nudist, and bon vivant of the French Court (while there was STILL a king and queen) who said that “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” was TOTALLY a conservative. Oh, and sometimes he went to worship with the musselmans too. I love the insane.

  21. JMP

    [re=641146]ArkansasFred[/re]: Just remember that the Teabaggers managed to get this woman nominated, and she is so crazy and stupid that it turned a very likely Republican win into a near-certain retention.

    Now whether Reid remaining as head of the Senate Dems is good for the Democratic or Republican parties is debatable…

  22. SayItWithWookies

    George Washington — now there was a real conservative. He went to church because he thought it was a good example to set for the little people, since it gave one a bit of practice in sitting still and not spitting for upwards of an hour. But as much as Washington put on the show, he refused to take communion, always taking the opportunity to hop in the carriage and trot home while Martha got her wafer. When their pastor sermonized indirectly about this situation, Washington stopped going to church altogether. Also, it’s little known, but Washington used to paint his face blue and yell “Freeeeeedom!” a lot.

  23. steverino247

    [re=641146]ArkansasFred[/re]: Charles Pierce’s book on Idiot America should guide you to the enlightenment you seek.

  24. Mr Blifil

    Not only do they not realize that list of things you mentioned, they are well aware they don’t realize those things, and revel in their own ignorance, out of a deep grudge they hold against people who are actually competent. They are certain that through their adherence to sheer bravado and posturing they can overcome the down side to their own gaping ignorance. In Sharon Angle’s case they may be right.

  25. Mad Brahms

    [re=641180]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: She DOES look like a hamster! I have been trying to nail down which small animal she resembled for months now. Brilliant.

    Also, is this another one of those “conservatives get postmodern” things, like with Breitbart? Oh, lord.

  26. chascates

    Her question & answer from the NY Times:

    Q. Did Keynesian economics, the stimulus spending, work in the Depression of the ’30s?

    A. No. And I think history has really proven that to be true. Most economists agree that the thing that really worked, which is a sad commentary, is the war.

  27. JMP

    [re=641189]mamandesfilles[/re]: And Jefferson, who said “”Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason than of blindfolded fear. … Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of its consequences. If it end in a belief that there is no God, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort and pleasantness you feel in its exercise and in the love of others which it will procure for you;” and made his own version of the Bible with all the supernatural parts removed, he was totally a social conservative.

  28. SmutBoffin

    [re=641210]chascates[/re]: HAHAHA “the War” = gov’t spending and employment on a massive scale. Even when she sets up an “ideologically correct” answer, it is still self-contradictory.

  29. Gunner

    What is happening to my Wonkette? I thought the thing was to make fun of politicians and make us laugh about them, not to pen Angry Tirades. This is the second Angry Tirade in two days. Be funny please.

  30. Ducksworthy

    [re=641161]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Indeed. That’s why he’s my favorite former president.

  31. Ducksworthy

    [re=641156]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Ha Ha For rope. Yeah that’s it. Also there’s a statue commemorating the noble hemp plant in the town square in Maysville KY.

  32. slappypaddy

    an “excise” tax is a tax on ex’cise, an’ not only ain’t we gonna do no ex’cise, we shore as shit ain’t gonna pay no tax on it.

    fuckin’ muslin nazi socialists, they think they can tax my ex’cise, the only ex’cise i need to do is lift my beer an’ point my remote.

    womin! goddammit, git off yer fat ass an’ git me another beer, this can’s empty!

    fuckin’ ex’cise tax… suck my trucknutz!

  33. wilbro

    Yes, the early U.S. had to go with fiscally conservative because there was no Central Bank of China to float us some bread for the welfare and bridges to Alaska, which we hadn’t bought from Russia yet.

    Plus a certain Mississippi bubble showed European investors that Louisiana was a sham, because there were no beaver pelts, no gold and silver mines and, guess what, the native peoples were not in fact eager to work for white people for free.

  34. twowheeljunkie

    [re=641146]ArkansasFred[/re]:
    As a country that elected W twice. I think the idiots have already won.

    The Mormons invaded California and passed Prop 8.

    And I fear Fiorina and Whiteman may win there races.

    We are doomed. 

  35. Ducksworthy

    [re=641217]Gunner[/re]: Gunner. Please do not rely on the staff to be funny. They are insane. Its up to the inmates to be funny and to entertain each other.

  36. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=641217]Gunner[/re]: Poopyhead.

    Also, you heard the man, JFruh: MOAR DICK JOKES.

  37. slappypaddy

    For our Foundation and Edification, offered here to All in Wonkettia and the Great Internet beyond, are the following Selections from Geo. Washington’s Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior:

    “Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present.” — Rule No. 1

    “When in Company, put not your Hands to any Part of the Body, not usualy Discovered.” — Rule No. 2,

    “Speak not when you Should hold your Peace” — from Rule No. 6

    “Kill no Vermin as Fleas, lice ticks &c in the Sight of Others” — from Rule No. 13

    “Let your Discourse with Men of Business be Short and Comprehensive.” — Rule No. 35

    “Strive not with your Superiers in argument, but always Submit your Judgment to others with Modesty.” — Rule No. 40

    “Take all Admonitions thankfully in what Time or Place Soever given” — from Rule No. 46

    “Mock not nor Jest at any thing of Importance; break no Jest that are Sharp Biting; and if you Deliver any thing witty and Pleasent abtain from Laughing thereat yourself.” — Rule No. 47

    “Use no Reproachfull Language against any one neither Curse nor Revile.” — Rule No. 49

    “Be not hasty to beleive flying Reports to the Disparagement of any.” — Rule No. 50

    “Let your Conversation be without Malice or Envy” — from Rule No. 58

    “Utter not base and frivilous things amongst grave and Learn’d Men nor very Difficult Questians or Subjects, among the Ignorant or things hard to be believed, Stuff not your Discourse with Sentences amongst your Betters nor Equals.” — Rule No. 61

    oh and it just goes on and on, there are 110 of them, reading them brings me to the brink of weeping with shame over my shortcomings and follies. i will leave you with the last, then scutter off to hide in a dark place and flay the sins out of my miserable self.

    “Labour to keep alive in your Breast that Little Spark of Celestial fire Called Conscience.” — Rule No. 110

  38. The Sandman

    Is it beyond good taste to hope that if the fucknuts get into power that we can expect an all star wet naked Angle/Bachmann/Palin prison pillow fight? And by all means lets add Bristol to the mix too. She is a dirty dirty little girl, what with having 2 kids before the age of 18. All on Showtime2 or PBS?

    Either or.

  39. Viss

    Swing and a miss on Sharon Angle? The founding fathers weren’t conservative they were liberal satire- sad and if applied just makes you an idiot How could you mulligan this easy target?

  40. Ruhe

    “She lives in an eternal present moment.”
    Out East they got the Dao. Out West they get Parmenides.

  41. Viss

    Swing and a miss on Sharon Angle? The founding fathers weren’t conservative they were liberal satire- sad and if applied just makes you an idiot. How could you mulligan this easy target?

  42. Zadig

    [re=641217]Gunner[/re]: Hey, editorial hate-fapping is plenty funny.

    DEAR EDITORS: 1-2 straight-up rage posts per day is perfectly healthy. Don’t stop.

  43. maven

    [re=641148]neoplatonic[/re]: Its not enough that she bought the special collector plates his mint makes?

  44. BlueStateLiberal

    She’s just too demented to comment on, she makes Sarah Palin look like a Rhodes scholar.

  45. Monsieur CrotchWatcher Grumpe

    Sharron Angle: Mostly not insane!

    This is a good campaign slogan even if it is a lie.

  46. GOPCrusher

    “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

    Sounds conservative to me. Does it to you?

  47. Tundra Grifter

    Please don’t forget: The Boston Tea Party was a protest against excise taxes the Colonists could not vote on that were too LOW!

  48. slappypaddy

    here’s a game to play when terrifically bored: go back and try to figure what a “tory” or a “whig” was 300 years ago and how they might be classified as liberal or conservative or anything else we might find comprehensible in today’s terms.

    smoke some dope before you do this, it will be much more fun.

  49. TeddyS

    Sharron Angle is correct in saying that our first president, Ben Franklin, whose picture is on American pennies, founded the conservative economic principles that have made the nation great — that nation, unfortunately, turned out to be that bunch of commies over in Chinaland, who currently own us.

  50. qwerty42

    [re=641193]SayItWithWookies[/re]: …Also, it’s little known, but Washington used to paint his face blue and yell “Freeeeeedom!” a lot.

    I thought he yelled “Freebird”, but that may have been a misunderstanding.

  51. drpangloss

    [re=641215]SmutBoffin[/re]: Very true, The War provided full employment for nearly every American that could work. At least near the end. All those civil defense contract, building housing and base expansin, not to mention rebuilding Europe and chunks of Asia with all our products. Yeah see it’s easy to be the global economic super power when even your allies are bombed flat and you’ve got largely untouched land and infrastructure.

  52. Jerri

    “She lives in an eternal present moment.”

    So does my dog! Maybe I could get him on the ballot in Nevada. He’s cute, knows how to shake hands, and only rarely does he eat his own crap, so I figure he has a decent shot at it. Hell, he might even win!

  53. Guppy06

    As a senator from Nevada, bitch best be pro-silver! Besides, the Constitution mentions both gold and silver, so bimetallism is obviously conservative!

    Angle/Bryan in ’12!

  54. Lawtalkinguy

    “I somehow doubt that she’s read anything by a “Founding Father.” Especially the Franklin guy.”

    She’s got his stove in her mountain house. What else do you want?

  55. Seek

    [re=641144]Rosie Scenario[/re]: Beautifully succinct. Yes indeed, one hopes she speaks The Southern

  56. Fox n Fiends

    Conservatives can’t stand the fact that the Founding Fathers were Progressives, founding a Liberal Democracy with a Liberal Economy. They also can’t stand that FDR defeated the Nazis and Facist Japan. No wonder they lie so much about Reagan’s supposed infallibility: they got nothing to hang their hat on. Hell, they won’t even admit that lowering taxes raises the deficit.

  57. just pixels

    If Washington, Jefferson & Franklin were so conservative, why weren’t they Repubicans? Instead they wore wigs and tights and codpieces … WAIT! maybe they were closet Repubicans.

    Sharron: Nothing says I’m not part of the Washington establishment quite like saying you’re just like Washington.

    According to polls, in 1776 0% of Nevada voters supported Sharron Angle or thought she was too conservative.

    I love it when Repubicans extol the virtues of 19th century America. I get positively orgasmic when they extol the virtues of 18th century America. And if anyone starts talking about the Massachusetts Bay Colony … well, oh my, I fear I shall get the vapors.

  58. FlownOver

    [re=641418]Fox n Fiends[/re]: They could always praise Lincoln’s commitment to the supremacy of federal law, and his opposition to creation of wealth based on suppression of labor costs. Or TR’s opposition to the excesses of the moneyed interests, and his initiation of respect for the environment as public policy.

    No? Not working for them, eh? Pity.

  59. Broken Malice Machine

    Great points Josh, your massive shot to the testies for being ginger and therefore inherently evil has been abated…for now. Doesn’t Shar-ron Angle remind anyone besides me of a living cartoon? I mean those crazy eyes, the stupidity that comes out constantly; no way this is a legitimate person. It’s as if those cruel bastards at Warner Bros. realizing Mel Blanc was dead and therefore Bugs Bunny now sucked they bred this monster from a combination of that cackling old lady and yosemite sam.

Comments are closed.