every sperm is sacred

British Beating America In Crucial Military Crotch-Protection Technology

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

'Yes, those, those are the beautiful British nads that could be wounded by a bandit in the colonies.'Genitals are, of course, the “hidden victims” of all of America’s many wars (“hidden” because American soldiers all wear pants, like good Christians). While much fancy technology has been used to protect the head and torso parts of your typical U.S. soldier or Marine, our culture’s outdated shame code has led our military-industrial complex to neglect the crucial crotchal region. Fortunately, our junior partners in imperialism, the Brits, literally have no shame whatsoever, and they’re stepping up to the plate.

The socialist BBC doesn’t allow us to embed video, so you’ll have to click through to watch it, but we promise it will be worth your while, not least for the clips of the British dude in the crotch-guard testing center shouting what we think is “fire in the hole” as practice rounds are fired at the super-strong undies. Behold the science underpants that will soon be protecting the penises and vaginas of the Imperial British military! Don’t worry, the hunky dude who models the kevlar briefs in the opening sequence of the clip comes out OK.

(Speaking of shamelessness, and things that cover your naughty bits, is the supposedly very serious and important BBC really letting their correspondents wear jeans for their stand ups now? Even the Russians are still wearing nice dress pants!)

Anyway, once this underwear goes into production, hopefully America will be able buy some, if the dollar-pound exchange rate isn’t too bad. (Thanks to heroic crotch-watcher “Monsieur Grumpe” for the tip!) [BBC]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • user-of-owls

    Finally, a pith helmet for the soldiers’ southern hemispheres.


    Crotch blast dummy! Finally – a real job for Levi Johnston.

  • ttommyunger

    But of course the Brits have an advantage, considering they have less to protect; hence the term Naughty “Bits”. If our under-endowed Allies had our prodigious dimensions (in our own minds) their progress would be much slower in the Nut-Shot Arena.

  • Joshua Norton

    The Mormons have known the power of magic underwear for over a century.

  • bbqboy

    Roadside bombs target men’s crotches? Is this the Taliban’s answer to heat seeking missiles?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Of course the Brits are better at protecting their nads than Americans are — they had a couple decades of Benny Hill as a warning of what could happen if they didn’t. Of course that wasn’t much help when Tory Blair just flat out gave his testicles to Dubya, but that’s another matter entirely.

  • the problem child

    Nice to know they can still be shot in the ass as they retreat, though.

  • FMA

    Ow, My Balls!

  • Gratuitous World

    No one deserves Post-Traumatic-Sac-Disorder.

    you’re a sick fuck, mac!

  • user-of-owls

    [re=640918]bbqboy[/re]: Meat seeking missiles?

  • FlownOver

    So now we’ve all seen a real junk shot. I’m not buying, though – not until the model stays in the boxers through the rifle fire testing.

    “Fire in the hole,” indeed!

  • Ye Olde Fap-Smith

    The only reason I never joined the military — aside from not wanting to shoot foreigns or take orders in general — was I felt certain that with my luck my cock would end up a battlefield casualty.

  • JMP

    [re=640921]FMA[/re]: This is British; it should be Ow, My Bollocks!

  • dijetlo

    This is a perfectly natural outgrowth of all those “paddeling prostitute PM” scandals of the sixties and seventies. Americans, with our scatalogically inclined political class will answer this technological threat with kevlar pampers, courtesy of Senator Diaper Dave Vitter.

  • ArkansasFred

    “fire in the hole”

    That’s what my doctor shouted when giving me the results of my latest chlamydia test.

  • whiterabid

    I’m surprised our soldiers don’t have bullet proof undies. I remember when I was 10 years old, I was the starting catcher on our little league team, and I wore a cup to protect against foul balls. It was very cool being a starter as a 10 year old because it was a turn on for the girls. And I had the extra big time sports prowess. I would say hi to my favorite chicks and then say check this out. I would rap my crotch with my knuckles and it would sound like someone knocking on the door. I’m not sure if it impressed the chicks but I thought it was very cool.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    Reporter’s Jeans: After you have lost an empire it’s all just “meh”. We’re just lucky they change out of their pajamas in the morning.

  • smitallica

    We must protect our privates!

    See what I did there?

  • Mild Midwesterner

    This is really the only way to contain the Underwear Bomber.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=640916]Joshua Norton[/re]: And the Lord’s Resistance Army* in Uganda goes a step further:

    …you take a small stone, you sew it on a cloth and wear it around your wrist like a watch. That is to prevent the bullet that might come, because in battle it is acting as a mountain. So those people on the other side will look at you, but they will see only a mountain, and the bullets will hit the mountain and not hurt you.

    This cheap, effective protection is of course being quashed by Big Body Armor.

    *Snark off. This band of psychotic thugs take savagery to an entirely vile new level. No endorsement implied or expressed for an insane crowd that specializes in cutting off the lips and noses of children with machetes.

  • Baby who ate the Dingo

    Glad to hear that the Brittainy’s are trying to protect their heat seaking gristle missles, but if they were Real Men, they would have their entire manhood removed like the Gherkins. The Gherkins don’t even want the remote chance that they would be captured in battle and be forced to give important information when live wires are attached to their buckeyballs and nanotubes.

    Now, the vaginal laxity is still an issue, but that is for future warriors to examine with a microscope

  • user-of-owls

    [re=640933]whiterabid[/re]: “it would sound like someone knocking on the door.”

    The chicks were probably saying, “Steer clear of that dude. He’s always got a woody.”

  • Ruhe

    [re=640916]Joshua Norton[/re]: But are they willing to sell their technology to the Pentagon? Or must all of our brave soldiers convert before receiving their bulletproof briefs?

  • Guppy06

    Who didn’t think of Super Troopers?

  • WadISay

    This technology will become more critical when DADT is repealed.

  • WadISay

    Oh, and if I had “Monsieur Grumpe’s” browser history, I would delete it.

  • An Outhouse

    While a bullet may not pierce the new protective panties, its still got to feel like someone just kicked you in the nuts with steel toed boots.

  • rdale

    I loved this line: “in a failure situation, there’d be a hole in the pants themselves.” How very true on so many, many levels!

  • bbqboy

    Pinocchio smack is always welcomed.

  • Monsieur (Crotch Watcher) Grumpe

    Are these bidirectional shorts? Some explosions come from the other side of the shorts if you know what I mean.

  • PrimlyStable

    This is the result of having a Prime Minister who enjoys just stone cold thinking about cocks. Under Gordon Brown the Brits concentrated on protecting their troops’ heads and bodies, with limited success (circa 330 dead in Afghanistan last time I checked).

    Also, which brave soul put themselves forward for the first live test of these wonder-undies? “Now don’t worry, private, we’re 99 per cent certain that this won’t hurt a bit…”

  • Tube City

    About 95 years too late for Jake in The Sun Also Rises… Now Lady Brett could have her way with him and dump him instead of moping with him.

    But hey, the Freedom Fries were made just right in that Paris bistro where the drunks gathered, except nobody went there because it was so popular.

  • jqheywood

    Gurkha not Gherkin, unless you are referring to diminutive sweet pickles.

  • mumblyjoe

    But now how where will we get our stock of impotent, disaffected war veterans, to partner with promiscuous love interests and callow bullfighters in our country’s most depressing novels?

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Once our army is made up entirely of Richard Kiel clones, we will have no need for crotch protection.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=640965]jqheywood[/re]: I hope what you did there was intentional. If not, bravo you accidental hero!

  • JMP

    Instead of worrying about having to protect their soldiers’ junk, maybe the Brits should just get out the shears and get themselves an all-eunuch army.

  • mumblyjoe

    [re=640960]Tube City[/re]: you beat me to it there- damn.

  • Atlas Spanked

    Finally, military technology with a civilian application! (See also: divorce, hell hath no fury)
    Men, we’re all going to be sleeping in Kevlar boxers soon. We had the war won, but then we withdrew.

  • WhatTheHeck

    In Britain they will have to make two versions: one for cavaliers and one for roundheads.
    Oh, wrong century. Never mind.

  • ella

    Having been persistently heterosexual in the UK, I can say there’s not much there to protect.

  • Guppy06

    [re=640979]Atlas Spanked[/re]: Kevlar doesn’t work well against knives, so these still wouldn’t have helped in the Bobbitt household.

  • weejee

    Where are the Bouncing Bettys?

  • whiterabid

    Monsieur Grumpe, they looked bi-directional in the video. I’m surprised the reporter didn’t say, and now let us try from the rear.

    I appreciate how the Brits get on with the show. It’s all, if they are going to work, let’s try them out. If it were an American newscast, the reporter would be more like, Jane, I’m here at the cold dead hands firing range to test a new piece of body armor that could protect and preserve our troops most vital organs. Here, let me put these on and ask Elmer to aim his M-16 at my nether regions to test this mew equipment.

  • Enslave the Whales

    This is good news for wearers of Magic Underwear.

  • Cape Clod

    And the Brits become even more pussified. This was the country that used to send out entire armies dressed in skirts. That was awesome.

  • weejee

    [re=640996]Enslave the Whales[/re]: But how could the Zionists of Utah have been so severely scooped on this by the Mushie Peas Brigadiers?

  • superconducting supercollider

    [re=640933]whiterabid[/re]: The Army issued a kevlar or metal-based set of boxer shorts to troops in Vietnam but nobody ever wore them because they were extraordinarily uncomfortable even outside of a superhot Asian jungle.

  • superconducting supercollider

    Foremost in the British military codes of dress and conduct: dress to the right.

  • jqheywood

    [re=640971]user-of-owls[/re]: It was most definitely intentional . . . heh heh heh

  • Mad Brahms

    “Speaking of shamelessness, and things that cover your naughty bits, is the supposedly very serious and important BBC really letting their correspondents wear jeans for their stand ups now?”

    Josh, have you ever read the BBC’s “From Our Correspondent” columns? It’s not so much that they’re written in the first person that bothers me, but they’ve devolved into “I will get anecdotes from my family about Very Serious Topics and present them as news!” To wit: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/8909741.stm

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=640982]WhatTheHeck[/re]: lol…u said ’roundhead’

  • Rosie Scenario

    Too late for Jake Barnes. English major here.

  • Cape Clod

    I wonder how soon it will before Rick Sanchez of CNN tests these things out?

  • One Yield Regular

    [re=640933]whiterabid[/re]: “I remember when I was 10 years old, I was the starting catcher on our little league team, and I wore a cup to protect against foul balls.”

    The cup was totally unnecessary. You just should’ve bathed more often.

    Thanks! I’ll be here all week! Tip your waitperson!

  • imissopus

    [re=640944]Guppy06[/re]: I believe in Britain it was titles Super Troupers.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=640929]JMP[/re]: Never mind the bollocks, what about the sex pistols?!

  • Accordion-o-rama

    American troops need more than mere prophylactic underwear. We need underwear with full launch capability.