New Aussie PM Eagerly Awaits Queen Elizabeth’s Death

  no future

REGICIDEDid you know that Australia, the America of the Antiopdes, still squirms under the brutal heel of Elizabeth of Windsor? It is true! The Aussies came close to throwing off her yoke a decade ago, but she used her lizard-person mind powers on them somehow and they slavishly voted to keep sending her forty tons of the nation’s best uranium and its twelve most comely virgins every year. But now Australia has a lady PM who is impervious to the Queen’s mind tricks and perhaps dreams of being ruler herself! Too bad she will lose the election Saturday, maybe.

Julia Gillard is a known atheist who seized control of Australia’s ruling Labour Party from unpopular Prime Minister Kevin Rudd in a bloodless coup in late June. Since the Commonwealth countries are crazy madhouses where the Prime Minister can just hold new elections whenever he or she feels like it, Gillard thought she’d capitalize on that “post-coup glow” with an early election, but it turns out that things are going to be much closer than she thought. So now she’s decided to try a desperation move: calling for the Queen’s public execution.

The Queen should be Australia’s last monarch and the country should become a republic when she dies, according to its prime minister.

Julia Gillard, who was born in Wales and moved to Australia with her parents aged five, acknowledged that many Australians had “deep affection” for the Queen, but said that the status quo could not remain.

“What I would like to see as prime minister is that we work our way through to an agreement on a model for the republic,” she said during an election campaign stop in Queensland.

 
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“I think the appropriate time for this nation to move to be a republic is when we see the monarch change. Obviously, I’m hoping for the Queen that she lives a long and happy life, and I think there’s every chance she will.”

Remember, Australia is an island inhabited entirely by the descendants of Victorian London’s most vile criminals, so “I’m hoping for the Queen that she lives a long and happy life” is obviously a threat, of the “Nice monarchy here — it would be a shame if anything were to … happen to it” type. With Gillard having removed God from the Australian equation, there’s nobody left to save the Queen, so get ready for Australia to be led by Crocodile Dundee soon enough. [Montreal Gazette]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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49 comments

  1. Mad Brahms

    Born in Wales, and they let her run? She doesn’t even have to fake a long-form birf certificate?

  2. DustBowlBlues

    Aren’t there Aussies on “my” wonkette? What the fuck happened to Labour and Kevin Rudd? I thought that war mongering fuck Howard would never go away, and now this.

    So what’s the story? And why does that woman have such a shitty hairdo?

  3. Bearbloke

    So, may I now officially claim the title of “the Ugly America of the Antipodes”? I was of age to vote “Off with Her Royal Head” in the ’99 Ref…

    Beyond being a potential Regicide, the PM was also fan of ending the ridiculous policy of the ATO that automatically grants tax free status to organisations professing “supernatural claims” of gods and spirits – but notably, NOT little green men from Uranus…

    I’m a Labor Bearbloke, and they’ve got my vote!

  4. SayItWithWookies

    [re=640548]imissopus[/re]: Who knows — right now Prince Charles is the only person on the planet hoping the Queen kicks the bucket pretty soon, even if he can’t say it out loud. If all of Australia joins him, his won’t be the loneliest office in western royalty.

  5. Bearbloke

    [re=640555]chascates[/re]: OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!!11!

    Seriously, now – if any of you come across some drongo who insists that Iman Obama is a brutal FascistCommie Tyrant, just remind them that Blago would have been sleeping with the other garbage in Lake Michigann if Barack was as savage as they ignorantly claim…

  6. Guppy06

    I just had this conversation recently concerning emigrating to Canada: would you want Chuck’s ugly mug on all your money, postage stamps, and government buildings?

  7. edgydrifter

    Multi-hued hair, unapologetically atheist, anti-monarch and feisty about it–I like this new Aussie PM. Her earlobes are a little biggish, but I’m willing to overlook that given her other obvious qualities.

  8. Gratuitous World

    Good for Tilda Swinton. I had no idea The Deep End was so well received ‘Down Under.’

  9. doloras

    [re=640557]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Not an Aussie, but a Kiwi, but: Rudd made too many gaffes and alienated too many interest groups, for example trying to put a windfall tax on the mining industry when that’s about the only part of the Australian economy not in the toilet. Gillard is on the left of the Labor party but was supported by powerful right-wing factions as the “Anyone but Rudd” candidate. Remember that the Australian Prime Minister is really nothing more nor less than the majority leader in the House of Representatives, and can be “rolled” (as the Aussies put it) with little difficulties.

    Say all of this, her opponent in the general election – Tony Abbot of the Liberal/National coalition – is called the “Mad Monk” for very good reasons. He’s an American-style Muslin-hating gay-bashing wingnut, and the fact that he’s even [b]close[/b] to winning a majority in the House is terrifying.

  10. Numbat Dundee

    The republican statement and the athiesm no doubt excite observers from the land of LaRouche and Jeebus. Unfortunately, Gillard has run a disappointingly right-wing campaign, trying to play “I hate boat people more than you” with the Liberals (we call our conservatives that because it’s the southern hemisphere and the bath water spins the other way). The boat people are Australia’s Mexicans – a handful of Tamils, Afghans and Iraqis who’ve made it to Indonesia and jump onto leaky boats to get here. She will narrowly win the election, because Australia’s avoided the GFC and hasn’t had a recession and because the Liberal leader is a misogynist ultra-conservative catholic with a penchant for showing off his aging hairy body in tight swim shorts and who has catholic ears. What are catholic ears I hear you ask? Ears designed especially for the Christian Brothers to hold onto during acts of punitive buggery.
    So on Saturday he’ll lose, Julia will win and there’s a good chance the Greens will hold the balance of power in both houses.

  11. Bearbloke

    [re=640612]Numbat Dundee[/re]: I’m glad you waded into this explanation, Mate – I found myself hesitant to engage the subject with our Yank friends, since they’re more crazed than usual about the issue with this Arizona scheme…

  12. doloras

    [re=640598]Bearbloke[/re]: No, I’m the only Kiwi musician who does not currently live in Melbourne.

  13. trickydick

    Sarah Palin should be the queen of australia. It would make as much sense as the status quo, and it would solve two problems at once.

  14. doloras

    [re=640638]Neilist[/re]: John Clarke is of course a New Zealander by origin, but the Aussies have claimed him, just like they claimed Russell Crowe, Crowded House, Phar Lap, the pavlova, etc etc etc…

  15. user-of-owls

    Australia, the America of the Antiopdes

    Well thank fucking god someone else is taking a stand. I’ve been warning about the terrible Opdes for years now.

  16. user-of-owls

    [re=640715]Bearbloke[/re]: True that. I hear that during Palin’s upcoming “Pacific Places That Are On a Map Somewhere Tour” she’s already booked some quality time with Pauline Hanson.

  17. trickydick

    [re=640715]Bearbloke[/re]: In that case, we’ll have to convince the Canadians to take her. They like having a queen, but they’d like a North American queen even better.

  18. NYNYNY

    [re=640770]meetlove112[/re]: Also- check out Jenna Jameson’s shocking new video, find out what the the controversy is all about (hint: she kills a midget). Free sex line hook up chat site fun!

  19. Jukesgrrl

    “He’s an American-style Muslin-hating gay-bashing wingnut, and the fact that he’s even [b]close[/b] to winning a majority in the House is terrifying.” And obviously the work of Rupert Murdoch.

  20. Yahoo

    [re=640612]Numbat Dundee[/re]: Spot on mate. This is best analysis of our election I have read.
    To you Yanks who know nothing about Australia’s politics; we are a bunch of vicious centerists who zig-zag from centre right to centre left all the while pretending that we can do things apart from ship iron ore and coal to the Chinese and Japanese.
    It’s a good life, only interrupted by our compulsion to join you in wars… By the way, why weren’t we invited to Grenada?

  21. PrimlyStable

    In an attempt to ally themselves more closely with America, Australians have dispensed with excess vowels in party names and, unlike their British counterparts, call Ms Gillard’s gang “Labor”.

  22. Bluerinse

    What Numbat Dundee said. I live in Melbourne electorate – hopefully the first ever seat to go green in the lower house. Labour’s inspiring tagline in the letter they sent me today (which contained lots of just because we say we’re anti gay marriage, anti climate-change policy and that we hate those asylum seekers, we’re really, truly just saying that to win votes): “Labour may not be perfect, but don’t give up on them”. Not exactly the stuff of Braveheart and Charge of the Light Brigade.

  23. Numbat Dundee

    [re=640820]Bluerinse[/re]: So which beverage do you sip elitist, latte or Chardonnay? Here in St Albans the standard tipple is alcopops for the younguns and UDLs for the oldies. We’re the REAL Australia.

  24. Terry

    [re=640563]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

    Camilla probably hopes so, too.

    The Queen Mother lived to be 101. Charles still has a looooong time to wait. Maybe if the Queen announces that the line of succession will jump to her grandson, the Aussies will stick with the Crown.

  25. LimRickNews

    Should Australia cease to be royal?
    No longer so majestically loyal?
    Prime Minister Julia Gillard,
    Favors such regal discard,
    So a Republic would reign Aussie soil
    For more, google “LimRickNews”.

  26. lumpenprole

    That’s not a great pic. I’ve been following this since July because she’s incredibly HOT*. Practically replaced Yulia Tomyshenko as my pretend girlfriend.

    * in a “if Tilda Swinton does it for you” kinda way

  27. Captain Swing

    [re=640612]Numbat Dundee[/re]: Couldn’t have summed it up any better myself, mate. I expect Julia will win on Saturday, by a bigger margin than pollsters are predicting, for various reasons:

    - Tony “The Mad Monk” Abbott. As you so perfectly summed him up – A right wing loon who can’t wait to try imposing Roman Catholicism by stealth on my beloved land of heathens, and who, in another age, would have happily sent eight year olds to work in the coal mines. In short, a hypocrite, a turd and an asshat of the highest order… I suppose it would be superfluous of me to add that I don’t particularly like him. I imagine voters, as they approach the polling booth and the advertising blitzkrieg wears off, stopping and thinking to themselves in horror “Did I actually consider voting for this douchebag?”

    - Julia Gillard. An attorney by trade and worker’s rights advocate by vocation. She is one VERY tough and very smart broad. Trust me on this one, fellow Wonketteers – That she managed to swing the right wing of the Aussie Labor party over to her left wing side was a feat of extraordinary political skill.

    - Australian Rules Football. Julia is a Victorian, and a fanatical footy fan (she is a lifetime supporter of the Western Bulldogs). In Victoria, a key election battleground State, where I also live (and would die for the mighty St Kilda Saints) and where Aussie Rules rules, she made the decisive statement today – That she HATES Collingwood. Allow me to explain. There are, I’m sure, certain sporting teams in America that allow no middle ground – You are either a passionate supporter, or you UTTERLY DISPISE them. In Australia, the Collingwood Magpies is such a team. She may have alienated ‘Pies supporters, but everyone else in Victoria cheered… Election over.

  28. markjuliansmith

    Gillard is now destined for Presidency I hear once the beloved Queen no longer finds favor in the opinion polls – I am not sure if this was the sensitive death Gillard was referring to – it certainly was for poor Rudd. A nice little chat will of course be in order. It is just a matter of who Julia sends her bodyguard or her adviser.

    I am sure Julia Gillard will be as sensitive to the Queen as was her recent statement that Rudd is irrelevant to the result of the Australian Election. Given Rudd forced himself ,after what Julia did to him, to publically support her, I find this rather sickening as I hope do the Australian voters.

    But Julia must take solace from the fact a crocodile has chosen her as the winner of the Australian election. A Crocodiles sense of smell is very well developed it must have got a whiff of the political bodies in the cellar.

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