Conservative Women Lock Themselves In a Cupboard, Will Come Out When There Is a Normal, White President

by Riley Waggaman

As American as a woman in a kitchen cabinetMama Grizzlies, Wal-Mart Moms and probably the Daughters of the Confederacy have come together, as white ladies, and formed their own World of Warcraft guild, “The Kitchen Cabinet” — because women who are worried about Barack Obama’s socialism but who are also stay-at-home-in-the-cabinet moms deserve a voice, too, even if it is a very faint voice because it is coming from a cupboard. Barney Frank refuses to argue with A Dining Room Table, but maybe he is willing to talk to The Kitchen Cabinet?

And look, these ladies even have their very own Kitchen Cabinet Constitution, and it is quite comprehensive:

  • Unite the efforts of economically – conservative women throughout the U.S.
  • Defend America’s cherished traditions.
  • Protect the rights of children in the halls of justice, commerce and education.
  • Encourage high ethics in public office.

Notice how the Second Amendment — “Defend America’s cherished traditions” — protects your right to carry machine guns around in public and defines marriage as between a man and a cabinet-woman and makes muslims against the law, all at the same time. If only our Founding Fathers had locked all their wives in a cabinet and forced them to write the U.S. Constitution, just think about how better everything would be right now!

Oh and here is the Preamble:

Join us in STOPPING the disastrous democratic leadership in Washington and reverse the direction of America.

We’re saving you a place in The Kitchen Cabinet.

Live Free or Die suffocating in a kitchen cabinet with a bunch of crazy ladies. [The Kitchen Cabinet]

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AbstinenceOnly Ed August 17, 2010 at 4:12 pm

They would march on Washington but they’re all barefoot, pregnant, & not allowed to leave the homestead unaccompanied by their husband or one of his married male relatives.

ManchuCandidate August 17, 2010 at 4:14 pm

The subtext is pretty much “Fear of Black Preznit’s Penis”

bureaucrap August 17, 2010 at 4:14 pm

I am woman, hear me roar,
I’m a sub of Dynacorp.

Scottie August 17, 2010 at 4:18 pm

Didn’t that great socialist FDR have a “kitchen cabinet”? …or am I thinking of one of the lesser Presidents…?

JMP August 17, 2010 at 4:19 pm

After reading “The Kitchen Cabinet Constitution”, “The Kitchen Cabinet Coalition”, “About the Kitchen Cabinet” and “About the Kitchen Cabinet” (yes, those last two are two separate pages), they almost make Palin sound substantive. They’re “economically-conservative women” and don’t like democrats (or capitalizing their party name), and that’s about it.

j.frigg August 17, 2010 at 4:20 pm

…straight from Hell’s Kitchen.

Ablington August 17, 2010 at 4:22 pm

Bleah. I bet they all wear fugly jeans too. God I hate women, especially moms.

MissyLissa August 17, 2010 at 4:23 pm

The GOP: where you’ll find the women in the cabinet and the men in the closet.

bobwurst August 17, 2010 at 4:24 pm

OWWWWW! I just got my bouffant tangled up in the garbage disposal…

Geogre August 17, 2010 at 4:26 pm

“We are a non-partisan group devoted to stopping the Democratic Party.”

That’s pretty much all one needs to know, isn’t it? Although, because these ladies want to be so non-partisan, they use the small /d/. They’re against “democratic” government.

They hate democracy!

chascates August 17, 2010 at 4:26 pm

[re=640442]Scottie[/re]: But that kitchen cabinet was composed of experienced, wise men.

steverino247 August 17, 2010 at 4:28 pm

The subtext is pretty much “Secret Lust for Our Black Preznit’s Penis”


pub_option August 17, 2010 at 4:28 pm

They could be Catholic. There is no mention of defending the rights of children in churches.

tencentcomic August 17, 2010 at 4:29 pm

I’m waiting for the oil cloth platform to be announced. I can’t even wait to read the next installment of “Look What Piece of Demoncrat Legislation I Just Put Into My Blender.” Maybe there will be a “Don’t Tread on me” recipe for brown meat barbecue, too. I now fear for the continued financial viability of the Glenn Beck show. His competition is just over the horizon.

bobwurst August 17, 2010 at 4:29 pm

“Cabinet” sounds vaguely french, why aren’t they hiding in the chiffarobe? No, that won’t do either…Why don’t they just sit on the shelf?

Midway117 August 17, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Ladies, I did not know we were supposed to put our husband’s job in OUR resumes. I have been such a Whore of Babylon for all of these years.

Cicada August 17, 2010 at 4:31 pm

Bitches, please. You ladies seem to be all about tax cuts for the rich, opposing universal health care, and demonizing anyone with a (D) after their name. When you start standing up for all of the working women in this country who have to feed and care for their families without nannies and housekeepers, then we’ll talk.

Until then, you can suck it. Hard.

Gratuitous World August 17, 2010 at 4:31 pm

[re=640443]JMP[/re]: i appreciate their forthright contempt for small “d” democracy.

Conservative Uneducated Nannies Trembling Society

Monsieur Grumpe August 17, 2010 at 4:35 pm

Is coming out of the cabinet anything like coming out of the closet?

SayItWithWookies August 17, 2010 at 4:38 pm
BlueStateLiberal August 17, 2010 at 4:39 pm

“Defend America’s traditional values”? How about starting at home with your own daughters who you let tattoo themselves like sailors and make fools of themselves on Facebook? And don’t blame it on the black man in the White House, I know you want to.

mcc August 17, 2010 at 4:42 pm

It seems like “coming out of the cabinet” should be a euphemism for something.

By the way, who paid for all this?

ella August 17, 2010 at 4:42 pm

When whites become the minority in America, people like those broads are either going to march off a cliff like lemmings or make a beeline for Walmart to stock up on white sheets.

Katydid August 17, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Hey, good news! Mrs. Alito is in the cabinet too!

“[She] will take over as Chairman of the Republican Women’s Federal Forum In Washington.  The group was started by Barbara Bush, and is home to wives of Republican wives of Senators, Congressmen, and other Washington insiders.”

IOKIYAR, bitches!

bfstevie August 17, 2010 at 4:44 pm

[re=640451]Geogre[/re]:[re=640464]Gratuitous World[/re]: [re=640443]JMP[/re]: Interesting that they didn’t use the standard Neanderthal GOP designation “Democrat party”.

JMP August 17, 2010 at 4:47 pm

[re=640471]SayItWithWookies[/re]: They’re encouraging members to contact fence-sitting congressmen to ensure that “obamacare” isn’t passed. Hm, somehow I suspect it’s been a while since they’ve updated that page.

MLM August 17, 2010 at 4:47 pm

I would like to respond critically and constructively to this, but I am left only with one thought: Today, I hate everyone.

steverino247 August 17, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Wait! If they succeed in suddenly changing the direction of America, won’t America crash into something? Women drivers, indeed!

PlanetWingnuta August 17, 2010 at 4:53 pm

HEY! there’s no comments page where i can call them CUNTZ!

gurukalehuru August 17, 2010 at 4:55 pm

“Hey, Sara, where are the teabags?”
“They’re in the kitchen cabinet.”

What’s bizarre is that although they small d the name of the party they hate, they forgot to actually spell it incorrectly and left the ic at the end. Bizarre.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 17, 2010 at 4:56 pm

Defend America’s cherished traditions.

That is one of those strange, irregular verbs.

I Defend America’s cerished traditions.

He/She/It are Liberals pissing all over America’s cerished traditions.

They are black/brown/hippies subverting for the commies/Nazis America’s cerished traditions.

Native of SL UT August 17, 2010 at 4:57 pm

[re=640451]Geogre[/re]: That’s kinda like them saying they are bisexual women who just happen to hate men. That makes you a lesbian, bitch!

Native of SL UT August 17, 2010 at 5:00 pm

“Defend America’s cherished traditions,” except for that two party bullshit, that’s gotta go.

JMP August 17, 2010 at 5:02 pm

[re=640480]Katydid[/re]: Huh; I caught that Maccacca Allen’s wife was co-chair, but missed the Alito and Bush connections. So they are a grassroots group of “ordinary conservative women across the country”, if by “ordinary” you mean “married to nationally prominent politicians”.

They’ve also brought back the phrase “silent majority”. Um, is overtly reminding people of Nixon really a good idea?

GeneralLerong August 17, 2010 at 5:05 pm

How retarded in every way does one have to be to still automatically associate “Women” with “Kitchen”?

m_supercomputer August 17, 2010 at 5:05 pm

They didn’t realize that by refusing to capitalize the Democratic Party’s name, they’ve made it sound like they hate democracy. I love accidental honesty!

Dingus McHatred August 17, 2010 at 5:05 pm

The woman I love, took from my best friend
Some joker got lucky, stole her back again
You better come on in my kitchen babe, it’s goin’ to be rainin’ outdoors

Oh, she’s gone, I know she won’t come back
I’ve taken the last nickel out of her nation sack
You better come on in my kitchen, baby, it’s goin’ to be rainin’ outdoors

Mad Brahms August 17, 2010 at 5:19 pm

[re=640509]JMP[/re]: , I wish this particular “majority” *was* more silent.

Katydid August 17, 2010 at 5:20 pm

[re=640509]JMP[/re]: And no conflict of interest, real or perceived there, eh?

Imagine if the former Mr. Ruth Bader Ginsburg had been on the board of the ACLU. Oh, the howling.

Jerri August 17, 2010 at 5:21 pm

One of my Cherished American Traditions™ is horse-shit betting during community parades. I sincerely hope that Cherished American Tradition™ was not overlooked by these upstanding ladies.

(And if for some reason you don’t know what that is, a simple explanation: You draw a chalk circle in the street pre-parade, horse shits in your circle, you win.)

GOPCrusher August 17, 2010 at 5:22 pm

Where are all the white women?

Trinkett August 17, 2010 at 5:26 pm

“women are getting as protective as mother lions”

the accompanying illustration shows a DADDY lion with cubs.

Allyson August 17, 2010 at 5:28 pm

From their “constitution:”
“Encourage high ethics in public office.”
OK, then I gather these women disapprove of those cheaters Vitter, Sanford, Ensign, et al, and will work against their re-election bids?
And that they will also throw these people out of their non-partisan party?

finallyhappy August 17, 2010 at 5:37 pm

“America’s global economy is so large and so sophisticated that voters need to start searching for tried and tested leaders with giant skills in business. Men and women who understand the movements of global markets and who know what a billion dollars looks like on paper”. Who wrote this crap? I’m guessing it is poorly educated women for even more poorly educated women- because we know popping out babies for a man is just as good as getting your education(someone pay me $30,000 a speech like Bristol-puhleeze). I am one of those elitest college(oh, no, an advanced degree ,too) women- I didn’t get married or pregnant in or right out of high school and put myself through college and grad school working more hours than I went to school. And my husband’s job is not on my resume(and I did pop out a few babies after gettin’ edumacated and married)

Redhead August 17, 2010 at 5:40 pm

Wouldn’t defending America’s traditions (and, presumably, original constitution) also include NOT allowing women to vote? That would make it pretty hard to to accomplish the rest of their goals. What are they gonna do, withhold sex until their mens folks vote their way? Most of their husbands are out banging underage boys in the coat closets of lesbian strip clubs decorated with green balloons anyway.

lochnessmonster August 17, 2010 at 5:43 pm

Hey, if you’ve ever visited the website, People of Wal-Mart, you would hope those women stay in the cabinet!

iantenna August 17, 2010 at 5:50 pm

i assume they are presently hate-fucking the indian in the cupboard?

DustBowlBlues August 17, 2010 at 5:55 pm

[re=640464]Gratuitous World[/re]: You got there before me. Contemptible democracy. Their grammar is as ignorant as their ideas, which is nice symmetry. Or maybe the form IS the function.

Or maybe they’re just ignorant bitches who should go away.

Naked Bunny with a Whip August 17, 2010 at 6:03 pm

Join us in STOPPING the disastrous democratic leadership

Well, monarchy is more conservative, I suppose.

AKAM80TheWolf August 17, 2010 at 6:15 pm

I love how they have two headlines at the botton touting Hong Kong’s foray into ground breaking 3-D.

AKAM80TheWolf August 17, 2010 at 6:18 pm


porn damnit! You left out the most important part.

earnestcivilservant August 17, 2010 at 6:22 pm

OMFG. Cherished American Traditions indeed. These women have been a little to quick to pilfer from that kitchen cabinet where they keep the liquor!

Barrelhse August 17, 2010 at 6:24 pm

I thought it said “lick” themselves in a closet. I’m really disappointed.

dijetlo August 17, 2010 at 6:29 pm

[re=640596]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Oddly, as I was reading their site, I was thinking “this looks like a job for Naked Bunny with a Whip

just pixels August 17, 2010 at 6:37 pm

Mmmmmm … kitchen cabinet. I wonder if there’s anything good to eat?

AnnieGetYourFun August 17, 2010 at 7:38 pm

[re=640487]MLM[/re]: I actually have that tattooed on my right arm. The thing is, it’s true every single day.

Potater August 17, 2010 at 8:01 pm

Isn’t there a ceramic figurine line called Cherished Traditions? Only these blue hairs can defend America’s knick knacks from Obama’s socialism.

user-of-owls August 17, 2010 at 8:29 pm

Protect the rights of children in the halls of…education.

Where were these twats when I was in Junior High? When teachers took us out into the “halls of education” it always meant a beat-down with no witnesses.

Can O Whoopass August 17, 2010 at 8:57 pm

“Dere’s gonna be a be-headin’ tanight. Ellie Mae went fishin’ in duh crick, NEKKID wud her’n brothuh”.

hoosiermama August 17, 2010 at 9:21 pm

[re=640442]Scottie[/re]: Oh wait. I have a fridge magnet from the Bammers 08 campaign that says something like “Member of the Kitchen Cabinet” or other (I am too lazy to go look at it).

Big Liver August 17, 2010 at 10:34 pm

This is clearly astroturf, the writing and graphics are too slick and the links work. What corporate shilling entity is behind it?

Jukesgrrl August 18, 2010 at 12:07 am

Wow, I hope they can get all that done before 5 p.m., when they have to slip our of their Mom jeans, cover themselves in Saran Wrap, and meet their hubbies at the door for a little cock tease and a dinner full of refined carbohydrates and trans fats.

MLM August 18, 2010 at 12:50 am

[re=640700]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Awesome. I’m always telling my mom, “I hate everyone today.” Sometimes she laughs, sometimes she just shakes her head ruefully. Maybe if I got it tattooed on my arm, she’d take me seriously.

Broken Malice Machine August 18, 2010 at 2:19 am

[re=640451]Geogre[/re]: So they’re non-partisan and devoted to stopping only one of the two major political parties, eh? What other “partisan” side does that leave them to be on to not be partisan? Well he waited for a few eons but between Rachel Brown and this group of pasty dumbass tarts Lyndon Larouche found his constientcy!

Broken Malice Machine August 18, 2010 at 2:25 am

[re=640509]JMP[/re]: They’re counting on the fact that after 30 years of Republicans sabotaging education so that each subsequent generation knows less and less Nixon will suddenly become a national hero if he’s known of to begin with. Of course wingers know who he is but it’s from the revised Texas schoolbooks where Nixon was a hero who slew Communists like Alger Hiss and the entire Democratic Party and the greatest evils of all: FDR, social security and :bum! bum! bum!: social justice.

Adversary153 August 18, 2010 at 9:47 am

Make me a sanwich!

mumblyjoe August 18, 2010 at 1:39 pm

So, as a quick summary, it’s a “grassroots” group that consists entirely of the spouses of conservative lawmakers and other Washington Insiders, persuing the “non-partisan” agenda of opposing Democrats.

What, is language a socialist progressive communazi scheme, now? Do dictionaries now contain a well-known liberal bias? Are linguistics the biggest liberal hoax perpetrated since climate change? I’m just trying to figure out the blanket hostility here to language, words, and the definitions those words have, and I’m not really coming up with anything.

Mostly_Harmless August 18, 2010 at 5:51 pm

“The Kitchen Cabinet is attracting new women to politics — giving those who want to re-establish our free enterprise way of life a way to participate from their den, their living room or their kitchen.*”

*Please, don’t bother contacting us if you want to contact us from your study, studio, exercise room, greenhouse or library rooms. We only put that thing about grad-students up there because we really need someone to help us with this website Dreamweaver thingie. So fuck off with your lesbianish-learnings, bless your heart.

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