DOUBLE DOG DARES  9:29 am August 17, 2010

John Bolton: Israel Isn’t Man Enough To Bomb Iran

by Josh Fruhlinger

He'd like to 'bomb her nuclear facilities,' if you know what I mean! (I mean that in a sexual sense, FYI.)Yeah, Israel talks a big game, going out drinking with its buddies at the Atlantic and boasting about its awesome plans to bomb the crap out of Iran’s nuclear facilities. But Bush-era U.N. ambassador and mustache grooming enthusiast John Bolton thinks it’s all talk. The way he sees it, Israel has only a few more days to start droppin’ bombs on Iran. And they don’t seem to be in any rush! What’s-a matter, are they chicken? Huh? CHICKEN? [chicken noises]

From Bolton’s point of view, Israel’s problem is, as ever, that it’s such a big softy:

“Once the fuel rods are inserted into the reactor and attack on the reactor would almost certainly release radiation into the atmosphere, given where Bushehr is located right on the Persian Gulf possibly into the water as well,” Bolton said, adding that “from Israel’s point of view if they were going to do anything militarily about Bushehr you got a few days until the fuel rods are inserted.”

And those fuel rods are going to be inserted this coming Saturday (on Shabbas, just to spite the Jews). So assuming that Israel cares so much about not smearing radiation all over the region, they’ve only got, what, three-four days to do this thing. But Bolton doesn’t think Israel has the nerve.

The former UN envoy also said Israel would not attack the reactor since it was interested in the bigger picture of Iran’s nuclear aspirations, saying that Israel has “the rest of Iran’s nuclear program, the Iranian enrichment facility and so on to worry about too and I don’t think Israel has the luxury to attack in the next few days, wait a few months and attack again.”

What the hell, focusing on the “bigger picture,” what is that, just bomb now, bomb bomb bomb, you pansies. [more chicken noises] [Haaretz]

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Prommie August 17, 2010 at 9:37 am

Today, all neocons are double-dog daring Israel to go ahead and stop being such a pussy.

Gorillionaire August 17, 2010 at 9:38 am

If Bolton would just go ahead and insert his rod into whatever it is he is “into”, he could relax and not have such a raging boner for Mid East war all the damn time.

Monsieur Grumpe August 17, 2010 at 9:38 am

Israel is upwind from Iran so win win.

tencentcomic August 17, 2010 at 9:40 am

Yeh, John Bolton is a fuckin’ genius. He knows all of these things first hand. His advice is flawless and prescient. Why doesn’t he tell us about other important things like what will happen when the socialists take away all of the patriot’s guns?

Johnny Zhivago August 17, 2010 at 9:40 am

Bomb now. Pay later.

Serolf Divad August 17, 2010 at 9:41 am

WTF!?!? If we learned anything from the Iraq/Afghanistan wars it’s that war is always awesome and cheap and nothing ever goes wrong when you start one.

WadISay August 17, 2010 at 9:43 am

You could lop off the top 10 inches of John Bolton and nobody would know the difference.

freakishlystrong August 17, 2010 at 9:45 am

Yeah, because, obviously, this stupid country doesn’t have enough on it’s stupid plate. Stupid mustache.

coolcatdaddy August 17, 2010 at 9:46 am

Hmm… wants to bomb everything. Talks about everyone being a wimp. Has a walrus moustache.

Mr. Bolton, are we overcompensating for something? Hmmm?

Apocalyptic Supermarket August 17, 2010 at 9:50 am

Insert compulsory joke about “rods” being “inserted.” Giggle foolishly. Repeat as needed.

Limeylizzie August 17, 2010 at 9:51 am

Hadn’t seen him in a longshot before…short little cunt or that chick is standing on a box.

Brent Kockman August 17, 2010 at 9:52 am

a-coodle-doodle-doo! a-coodle-doodle-doo!

(tu bailes como hombre que vive como mujer!)

ManchuCandidate August 17, 2010 at 9:56 am

John Bolton can talk the talk because he’s walked the walk as a military hero, a strategerize geniuz and a cold blooded killer… when playing RISK. Mr Mustache can really throw them sixes.

Otherwise, considering his lengthy record of being a chickenshit warmonger speaks for itself.

bago August 17, 2010 at 9:57 am

[re=640013]Limeylizzie[/re]: Well, I’m certain that she’s standing WITH a box. She’s also standing with a prick.

germansteel August 17, 2010 at 9:57 am

Has Bolton stopped assaulting women yet?

JMP August 17, 2010 at 10:05 am

Do you how much I miss the days when we had a President appoint a UN ambassador who expressly hated and wanted to eliminate the UN? Not at all, that’s how much.

Vulpes82 August 17, 2010 at 10:12 am

John Bolton’s Mustache DEMANDS that everyone go to war, immediately, everywhere, forever!

penalcolony August 17, 2010 at 10:14 am

What is this guy, about 90? He must be, because I remember him on his TV show, the one with Mr. Greenjeans, all the way back in the fifties. Never was much of a show, except for the Banana Man, but at least Bolton wasn’t ranting away about bombing everybody like he does now.

weejee August 17, 2010 at 10:16 am

Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran — oops we already did that

bfstevie August 17, 2010 at 10:16 am

Looks like I picked the wrong weekend to give up the Ambien.

BeliTsari August 17, 2010 at 10:19 am

Ain’t this that dude who used to sing all them girl songs in an affected & cloying gooey falsetto? He looked just a whole lot better with the long hair! What the heck he care about enhancing any fuel rods for anyway? Ain’t he got enough cheap, drug-addled coochie back then? Or in that appearance in Office Space? Sheesh!

doxastic August 17, 2010 at 10:22 am

We are nearing the 10th anniversary of the day I first started hating John Bolton. Back when he was an undersecretary of arms control with that ‘roided up Lex Luthor-looking motherfucker Dick Armitage, the two of them were committed to shredding every international treaty the US had ever been a party of. In Washington, your 15 minutes of fame never ends.

doxastic August 17, 2010 at 10:28 am

If you’re an itinerant war-loving gasbag ignoramus looking for another George W. Bush to goad into tragically horrible Middle East misadventures, Likud is not a bad place to start. John Bolton is an insult to luxurious mustaches everywhere.

Mad Brahms August 17, 2010 at 10:29 am

Speaking of Haaretz, did you see their editorial on the “ground zero” mosque? They support it.

Yes, that’s right, fucking *Haaretz* supports it, teabaggers.

4tehlulz August 17, 2010 at 10:30 am

John Bolton is getting soft; he didn’t call Israel a fag once.

Gratuitous World August 17, 2010 at 10:33 am

since bombing Chicago is apparently out of the question, Bolton is laying the guilt-trip for his second choice.

Prommie August 17, 2010 at 10:34 am

[re=640035]doxastic[/re]: No, no, thats backwards. Plans to goad idiot US politicians into tragically horrible Middle East misadventures begin with Likud, they don’t end with Likud. Likud funds US “think tanks,” which then spread Likud doctrine through the DC air and water until it becomes accepted as valid simply because of its ubiquity, and tiny, overcompensating, mustache-clad shitbags make their career out of carrying water for the Likud, and then they get appointed UN ambassador by goonish Presidents.

SeattleJoe August 17, 2010 at 10:37 am

Don’t worry! If anything goes wrong we can send in the army and marines! We’ve got lots to spare, just sitting around doing nothing.

Cape Clod August 17, 2010 at 10:39 am

Give him a little credit, people. He sounds like he’s making a case for actually NOT bombing the shit out of something and that it would be better to bomb the shit out of something else later on. This actually counts as a progressive attitude given that its coming from John Bolton.

JMP August 17, 2010 at 10:41 am

[re=640010]coolcatdaddy[/re]: Based on the mustache, he’s afraid people will discover how he secretly yearns for strong Arab men to insert their fuel rods into his reactor.

Les Paultard August 17, 2010 at 10:41 am

Israel should nuke the nuke plant.

Oblios Cap August 17, 2010 at 10:43 am

koo-koo-ka-choo. He is the Walrus.

WriteyWriterton August 17, 2010 at 10:45 am

The Iranians have their nuclear site at “Bushehr”? Bushehr?!!! That has to be some kind of aplhabetalogical hidden message. It’s only one letter away from being “Busherr” and two letters from “Busherrs.” And a handful of additional letters away from “Bush always errs”! Which he did, thanks in part to the kiss-up-and-kick-down “brain” hiding behind the soup-strainer.

Prommie August 17, 2010 at 10:46 am

[re=640045]Cape Clod[/re]: Or is he gaming the Iranians, lulling them into a false sense of security by telling them the Israelis are NOT going to bomb them? Its against the law to say it openly in the US, but the Iranians know that the PNACers are all paid agents of Likud, so they would take note of this little shitbag. So maybe this is deliberate misinformation so that the surprise attack will be more of a surprise. Makese sense to me, duzit 2 u?

Prommie August 17, 2010 at 10:47 am

[re=640045]Cape Clod[/re]: We’re through the looking glass here, people.

Cape Clod August 17, 2010 at 10:52 am

[re=640052]Prommie[/re]: That would require subtlety and gamesmanship, from a man who I believe thinks chess should be played with a mallet.

dijetlo August 17, 2010 at 10:55 am

I realize John Bolton has been giving Likud free mustache rides for the better part of the last two decades but does that really entitle him to any kind of special treatment by our media?

SeattleJoe August 17, 2010 at 10:57 am

[re=640036]Mad Brahms[/re]: ha’aretz is actually pretty liberal. That’s why Sarah Palin refuses to read it!!!

That and the fact that she’s illiterate.

Way Cool Larry August 17, 2010 at 10:59 am

All this talk of inserting rods and men with mustaches has really got me hot and bothered!

Dashboard_Buddha August 17, 2010 at 11:07 am

[re=640059]dijetlo[/re]: I’m glad I did a search for ‘mustache rides’ before I made my comment about mustache rides.

kenlayisalive_dot_org August 17, 2010 at 11:12 am

Can’t we just give this guy a wedgie and lock him in his locker until this whole mess blows over?

He looks like a smores.

pat robertsons personal trainer August 17, 2010 at 11:23 am

it looks like someone blew up the first ten stories of john bolton. read: he’s short.

pat robertsons personal trainer August 17, 2010 at 11:31 am

[re=640007]WadISay[/re]: damn. will read others’ posts first.

bago August 17, 2010 at 11:34 am

We’ll blow the mustache and ride the kick up the layers.

edgydrifter August 17, 2010 at 11:37 am

In case anyone was wondering what our foreign policy would look like in the hands of the American Chopper boys, the answer is: it was.

Frances the Cockatoo August 17, 2010 at 11:43 am

Like Bill Kristol, this guy is always wrong, which makes him some kind of right wing hero. I mean, Newt looks reasonable next to this guy. He embarrassed himself so badly on the international stage that he’s a laughing stock the world over. He’s got some hair so I guess it must be his penis.

Prommie August 17, 2010 at 12:00 pm

“He’s got some hair so I guess it must be his penis.” Thats a beautiful sentence there, mind if I use it occasionally?

user-of-owls August 17, 2010 at 12:13 pm

[re=640013]Limeylizzie[/re]: Republican administrations have a stellar history of appointing blood-soaked cunts as UN Ambassadors. Among their stars are Jeane “Death Squads Are Cute” Kirkpatrick, John “Mean For Jeane! Death Squads Redux” Negroponte and of course, John “If It’s Tuesday, We Must Bomb Belgium” Bolton.

They must have a sort of GRE equivalent to qualify, weighted heavily for indirect body count culpability.

FormerDCite August 17, 2010 at 12:59 pm

John Bolton is to Diplomacy what Jeffrey Dahmer is to Epicureanism

GOPCrusher August 17, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I thought John Bolton was on some kind of mission in Pakistan to single handily bring Osama Bin Forgotten to justice? DEAD OR ALIVE!!!!!

lawrenceofthedesert August 17, 2010 at 1:46 pm

Obama should appoint him Ambassador to the Truth, since Bolton seems to love being an envoy to something he doesn’t believe in.

Jumping Jim August 17, 2010 at 2:16 pm

[re=640001]Prommie[/re]: Not serious until a triple dog dare is thrown.

Looy August 17, 2010 at 2:40 pm

I think he wants to insert his “fuel rod” into thet’re MISS UNIVERSE’s “reactor,” and “release radiation.”

bakeneko August 17, 2010 at 4:30 pm

David Crosby wants his moustache back, walrus boy!

chascates August 17, 2010 at 4:31 pm

Bolton: Israel only has ’3 days’ (was ’8 days’) to hit Iran nuke site!

And if they don’t it’s all because of Obama.

Rotundo August 17, 2010 at 4:55 pm

[re=640328]Looy[/re]: Nah, Bolton’s mustache likely smells like ass for a reason. And it wouldn’t be her ass it smelled like either. Also

bumfug August 17, 2010 at 6:17 pm

My favorite Bolton moment was on The Daily Show when he told Jon Stewart that Stewart was wrong, Lincoln didn’t choose people who disagreed with him to be in his cabinet. Apparently that was just some bullshit that Doris Kearns Goodwin dreamed up. Whatever, I just can’t take him seriously when every time I see his picture I imagine him sitting by the mailbox waiting foe Liberty Medical to ship him his “diabetis” supplies.

friendlyskies August 18, 2010 at 9:47 pm

Bolton’s a pussy or he would havel already bombed Iran himself. Pffft Mr. Moustache can’t even be bothered to toss in a hand grenade.

libwakman August 19, 2010 at 8:05 am

Bomb bomb bomb bomb danged Iran.

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