double dog dares

John Bolton: Israel Isn’t Man Enough To Bomb Iran

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He'd like to 'bomb her nuclear facilities,' if you know what I mean! (I mean that in a sexual sense, FYI.)Yeah, Israel talks a big game, going out drinking with its buddies at the Atlantic and boasting about its awesome plans to bomb the crap out of Iran’s nuclear facilities. But Bush-era U.N. ambassador and mustache grooming enthusiast John Bolton thinks it’s all talk. The way he sees it, Israel has only a few more days to start droppin’ bombs on Iran. And they don’t seem to be in any rush! What’s-a matter, are they chicken? Huh? CHICKEN? [chicken noises]

From Bolton’s point of view, Israel’s problem is, as ever, that it’s such a big softy:

“Once the fuel rods are inserted into the reactor and attack on the reactor would almost certainly release radiation into the atmosphere, given where Bushehr is located right on the Persian Gulf possibly into the water as well,” Bolton said, adding that “from Israel’s point of view if they were going to do anything militarily about Bushehr you got a few days until the fuel rods are inserted.”

And those fuel rods are going to be inserted this coming Saturday (on Shabbas, just to spite the Jews). So assuming that Israel cares so much about not smearing radiation all over the region, they’ve only got, what, three-four days to do this thing. But Bolton doesn’t think Israel has the nerve.

The former UN envoy also said Israel would not attack the reactor since it was interested in the bigger picture of Iran’s nuclear aspirations, saying that Israel has “the rest of Iran’s nuclear program, the Iranian enrichment facility and so on to worry about too and I don’t think Israel has the luxury to attack in the next few days, wait a few months and attack again.”

What the hell, focusing on the “bigger picture,” what is that, just bomb now, bomb bomb bomb, you pansies. [more chicken noises] [Haaretz]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Prommie

    Today, all neocons are double-dog daring Israel to go ahead and stop being such a pussy.

  • Gorillionaire

    If Bolton would just go ahead and insert his rod into whatever it is he is “into”, he could relax and not have such a raging boner for Mid East war all the damn time.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Israel is upwind from Iran so win win.

  • tencentcomic

    Yeh, John Bolton is a fuckin’ genius. He knows all of these things first hand. His advice is flawless and prescient. Why doesn’t he tell us about other important things like what will happen when the socialists take away all of the patriot’s guns?

  • Johnny Zhivago

    Bomb now. Pay later.

  • Serolf Divad

    WTF!?!? If we learned anything from the Iraq/Afghanistan wars it’s that war is always awesome and cheap and nothing ever goes wrong when you start one.

  • WadISay

    You could lop off the top 10 inches of John Bolton and nobody would know the difference.

  • freakishlystrong

    Yeah, because, obviously, this stupid country doesn’t have enough on it’s stupid plate. Stupid mustache.

  • coolcatdaddy

    Hmm… wants to bomb everything. Talks about everyone being a wimp. Has a walrus moustache.

    Mr. Bolton, are we overcompensating for something? Hmmm?

  • Apocalyptic Supermarket

    Insert compulsory joke about “rods” being “inserted.” Giggle foolishly. Repeat as needed.

  • Limeylizzie

    Hadn’t seen him in a longshot before…short little cunt or that chick is standing on a box.

  • Brent Kockman

    a-coodle-doodle-doo! a-coodle-doodle-doo!

    (tu bailes como hombre que vive como mujer!)

  • ManchuCandidate

    John Bolton can talk the talk because he’s walked the walk as a military hero, a strategerize geniuz and a cold blooded killer… when playing RISK. Mr Mustache can really throw them sixes.

    Otherwise, considering his lengthy record of being a chickenshit warmonger speaks for itself.

  • bago

    [re=640013]Limeylizzie[/re]: Well, I’m certain that she’s standing WITH a box. She’s also standing with a prick.

  • germansteel

    Has Bolton stopped assaulting women yet?

  • JMP

    Do you how much I miss the days when we had a President appoint a UN ambassador who expressly hated and wanted to eliminate the UN? Not at all, that’s how much.

  • Vulpes82

    John Bolton’s Mustache DEMANDS that everyone go to war, immediately, everywhere, forever!

  • penalcolony

    What is this guy, about 90? He must be, because I remember him on his TV show, the one with Mr. Greenjeans, all the way back in the fifties. Never was much of a show, except for the Banana Man, but at least Bolton wasn’t ranting away about bombing everybody like he does now.

  • weejee

    Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran — oops we already did that

  • bfstevie

    Looks like I picked the wrong weekend to give up the Ambien.

  • BeliTsari

    Ain’t this that dude who used to sing all them girl songs in an affected & cloying gooey falsetto? He looked just a whole lot better with the long hair! What the heck he care about enhancing any fuel rods for anyway? Ain’t he got enough cheap, drug-addled coochie back then? Or in that appearance in Office Space? Sheesh!

  • doxastic

    We are nearing the 10th anniversary of the day I first started hating John Bolton. Back when he was an undersecretary of arms control with that ‘roided up Lex Luthor-looking motherfucker Dick Armitage, the two of them were committed to shredding every international treaty the US had ever been a party of. In Washington, your 15 minutes of fame never ends.

  • doxastic

    If you’re an itinerant war-loving gasbag ignoramus looking for another George W. Bush to goad into tragically horrible Middle East misadventures, Likud is not a bad place to start. John Bolton is an insult to luxurious mustaches everywhere.

  • Mad Brahms

    Speaking of Haaretz, did you see their editorial on the “ground zero” mosque? They support it.

    Yes, that’s right, fucking *Haaretz* supports it, teabaggers.

  • 4tehlulz

    John Bolton is getting soft; he didn’t call Israel a fag once.

  • Gratuitous World

    since bombing Chicago is apparently out of the question, Bolton is laying the guilt-trip for his second choice.

  • Prommie

    [re=640035]doxastic[/re]: No, no, thats backwards. Plans to goad idiot US politicians into tragically horrible Middle East misadventures begin with Likud, they don’t end with Likud. Likud funds US “think tanks,” which then spread Likud doctrine through the DC air and water until it becomes accepted as valid simply because of its ubiquity, and tiny, overcompensating, mustache-clad shitbags make their career out of carrying water for the Likud, and then they get appointed UN ambassador by goonish Presidents.

  • SeattleJoe

    Don’t worry! If anything goes wrong we can send in the army and marines! We’ve got lots to spare, just sitting around doing nothing.

  • Cape Clod

    Give him a little credit, people. He sounds like he’s making a case for actually NOT bombing the shit out of something and that it would be better to bomb the shit out of something else later on. This actually counts as a progressive attitude given that its coming from John Bolton.

  • JMP

    [re=640010]coolcatdaddy[/re]: Based on the mustache, he’s afraid people will discover how he secretly yearns for strong Arab men to insert their fuel rods into his reactor.

  • Les Paultard

    Israel should nuke the nuke plant.

  • Oblios Cap

    koo-koo-ka-choo. He is the Walrus.

  • WriteyWriterton

    The Iranians have their nuclear site at “Bushehr”? Bushehr?!!! That has to be some kind of aplhabetalogical hidden message. It’s only one letter away from being “Busherr” and two letters from “Busherrs.” And a handful of additional letters away from “Bush always errs”! Which he did, thanks in part to the kiss-up-and-kick-down “brain” hiding behind the soup-strainer.

  • Prommie

    [re=640045]Cape Clod[/re]: Or is he gaming the Iranians, lulling them into a false sense of security by telling them the Israelis are NOT going to bomb them? Its against the law to say it openly in the US, but the Iranians know that the PNACers are all paid agents of Likud, so they would take note of this little shitbag. So maybe this is deliberate misinformation so that the surprise attack will be more of a surprise. Makese sense to me, duzit 2 u?

  • Prommie

    [re=640045]Cape Clod[/re]: We’re through the looking glass here, people.

  • Cape Clod

    [re=640052]Prommie[/re]: That would require subtlety and gamesmanship, from a man who I believe thinks chess should be played with a mallet.

  • dijetlo

    I realize John Bolton has been giving Likud free mustache rides for the better part of the last two decades but does that really entitle him to any kind of special treatment by our media?

  • SeattleJoe

    [re=640036]Mad Brahms[/re]: ha’aretz is actually pretty liberal. That’s why Sarah Palin refuses to read it!!!

    That and the fact that she’s illiterate.

  • Way Cool Larry

    All this talk of inserting rods and men with mustaches has really got me hot and bothered!

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=640059]dijetlo[/re]: I’m glad I did a search for ‘mustache rides’ before I made my comment about mustache rides.

  • kenlayisalive_dot_org

    Can’t we just give this guy a wedgie and lock him in his locker until this whole mess blows over?

    He looks like a smores.

  • pat robertsons personal trainer

    it looks like someone blew up the first ten stories of john bolton. read: he’s short.

  • pat robertsons personal trainer

    [re=640007]WadISay[/re]: damn. will read others’ posts first.

  • bago

    We’ll blow the mustache and ride the kick up the layers.

  • edgydrifter

    In case anyone was wondering what our foreign policy would look like in the hands of the American Chopper boys, the answer is: it was.

  • Frances the Cockatoo

    Like Bill Kristol, this guy is always wrong, which makes him some kind of right wing hero. I mean, Newt looks reasonable next to this guy. He embarrassed himself so badly on the international stage that he’s a laughing stock the world over. He’s got some hair so I guess it must be his penis.

  • Prommie

    “He’s got some hair so I guess it must be his penis.” Thats a beautiful sentence there, mind if I use it occasionally?

  • user-of-owls

    [re=640013]Limeylizzie[/re]: Republican administrations have a stellar history of appointing blood-soaked cunts as UN Ambassadors. Among their stars are Jeane “Death Squads Are Cute” Kirkpatrick, John “Mean For Jeane! Death Squads Redux” Negroponte and of course, John “If It’s Tuesday, We Must Bomb Belgium” Bolton.

    They must have a sort of GRE equivalent to qualify, weighted heavily for indirect body count culpability.

  • FormerDCite

    John Bolton is to Diplomacy what Jeffrey Dahmer is to Epicureanism

  • GOPCrusher

    I thought John Bolton was on some kind of mission in Pakistan to single handily bring Osama Bin Forgotten to justice? DEAD OR ALIVE!!!!!

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    Obama should appoint him Ambassador to the Truth, since Bolton seems to love being an envoy to something he doesn’t believe in.

  • Jumping Jim

    [re=640001]Prommie[/re]: Not serious until a triple dog dare is thrown.

  • Looy

    I think he wants to insert his “fuel rod” into thet’re MISS UNIVERSE’s “reactor,” and “release radiation.”

  • bakeneko

    David Crosby wants his moustache back, walrus boy!

  • chascates

    Bolton: Israel only has ‘3 days’ (was ‘8 days’) to hit Iran nuke site!

    And if they don’t it’s all because of Obama.

  • Rotundo

    [re=640328]Looy[/re]: Nah, Bolton’s mustache likely smells like ass for a reason. And it wouldn’t be her ass it smelled like either. Also

  • bumfug

    My favorite Bolton moment was on The Daily Show when he told Jon Stewart that Stewart was wrong, Lincoln didn’t choose people who disagreed with him to be in his cabinet. Apparently that was just some bullshit that Doris Kearns Goodwin dreamed up. Whatever, I just can’t take him seriously when every time I see his picture I imagine him sitting by the mailbox waiting foe Liberty Medical to ship him his “diabetis” supplies.

  • friendlyskies

    Bolton’s a pussy or he would havel already bombed Iran himself. Pffft Mr. Moustache can’t even be bothered to toss in a hand grenade.

  • libwakman

    Bomb bomb bomb bomb danged Iran.