Will Government Be Forced To Hold a Victory Parade For Tom DeLay?

  open up the lockbox of tom delay's hopes and dreams

Next six years will be so fun!The SIX-YEAR investigation into Tom DeLay’s ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoff is now over! Hooray Sixth Amendment! The system works! Finally Tom DeLay can get back to his business as House Majority Leader, passing George W. Bush’s Mandate. But seriously, six years? And then, “Oh, whatever bro, we’re not gonna charge you with anything.” The government will probably have to fund Tom DeLay’s campaign to return to the House, and then it will have to fund a lavish parade in Washington welcoming DeLay’s return, for compensation. And also George W. Bush will have to be put back in office, because how else can Tom DeLay pass his fun laws?

2004 was a different time. Do you remember? Let us go back. None of us could vote, remember that? That was weird. And we had to use graphing calculators for the first time. Those things were annoying, but you could download games for them. Then Jimmy Gallagher got that girl pregnant, and we made fun of him in French II every day for having a kid. Wow, America was crazy back then!

Justin Bieber probably hadn’t even been born yet.

“The federal investigation of Tom DeLay is over, and there will be no charges,”” [his lawyer Richard] Cullen said. “This was one of the longest and expensive and thorough investigations in recent memory. DeLay took a tack right from the start that he had nothing to hide, and we have been in a routine and constant dialogue with [prosecutors].”

Wow. When has that ever been true? Tom DeLay actually had nothing to hide? That’s a little too hard to believe.

So what is our pal Tom doing now that he has returned to grace?

DeLay started a consulting firm, First Principles LLC, when he left office. He now spends most of his time at his home in Sugarland, Texas. He travels a lot to give speeches and works with foster children through the community he and his wife, Christine, started.

Oh, just running one of those Texas foster-kid cult compounds. Well, enjoy your retirement, Hammer Head, or whatever your nickname was. (Was it the Hebrew Hammer? Maybe that was it.)

[NOTE: This guy is still a piece of shit. Right? It's kind of hard to remember. Yes, we will say he's still a piece of shit.] [Politico 43]

Share This
 
Related video

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

38 comments

  1. Terry

    He now spends most of his time at his home in Sugarland, Texas…sitting in his underwear, watching Fox News, and plotting revenge on his political enemies.

  2. BlueStateLiberal

    “None of us could vote, remember that?” Technically we could vote in 2004, it was just that our votes didn’t count. Remember when Bush lawyers found that obscure clause in the Constitution stating the the Supreme Court could appoint presidents, as long as they were Republican, remember? Good days.

  3. JMP

    Without Tom, we couldn’t have sweatshops on the Marianas Islands where virtual slaves could produce clothes with the “Made in the USA” label. Thanks, Tom!

  4. WhatTheHeck

    How’s his golf game? Is it in the shitter like Tiger’s? A few trips abroad will fix that.

  5. freakishlystrong

    The oil slick in the Gulf of Murikka can’t compare to what leeched out when “Hot tub Tom” lived up to his nickname..

  6. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    It is good to see that he has taken, like many retired Republicans, to working with young, probably naked, foster children.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    This frees Delay up to be Newt’s running mate in 2012 on the “Bring Back the Post-Clinton Prosperity Before We Blew It All to Shit” ticket.

  8. Winski

    Yes, he’s still a piece of shit… and will ALWAYS be a piece of shit.. and Tweety Matthews will probably have him back on his program “Hardballs” (spelled that way on purpose) in the near future to openly brag about being a “free man”, and denounce everything that is Democratic…

    Announcing his return to politics with John Cronyn as his main butt-boy. He’s going to run for the next King-of-the-World with Chimpy as his running mate and his headquarters will be the Family’s “C” street apartments…It’s a takeover..

    This afternoon, the initial projections is that he’ll LOOSE by 750,000,000 votes.

  9. JMP

    [re=639493]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: It’s another sign that Jack’s still a child, and the rest of us are mostly olds.

    [re=639505]SayItWithWookies[/re]: At least, unlike Newt, the media hasn’t decided that DeLay is somehow still politically relevant and constantly given him airtime to spew his bullshit over the TV.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    [re=639515]JMP[/re]: After his overexposure on Dancing with the Stars, I have no doubt that where Delay’s ass has been, his mouth is soon to follow.

  11. gurukalehuru

    Dancing boy is done and Texas politics has moved on, but it doesn’t matter. They’ve got a surplus of crazy in the Lone Star State.

  12. Geogre

    Tom DeLay is responsible for Gohmert and a lot of the other weirdos from Texas.

    Remember when the Democrats in the Texas legislature walked out? Remember when they fled to Oklahoma, and the Rangers went after them? Do you remember why? It was because DeLay’s organization inside the state had the most outlandish gerrymandering ever seen to create Republican safe districts.

    This is the man behind the K Street Project.

    This is an historic turdburger.

  13. WindbagCity

    This is all fine and good, but the real question is: what implications does this have for Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula-Gibbs??

  14. just pixels

    It ain’t over ’til Orly Taitz’s “International Court of Human Rights” says so. It’s like the International House of Pancakes, but with less gravitas. Also less syrup.

  15. RobPetrified

    Charges dropped does not equal cleared of wrongdoing.
    Once a politician piece of shit, now a lobbying piece of shit.
    He’s still an exact copy of something I wiped from my boots the last time I walked through the chicken yard.
    Shit.

  16. GOPCrusher

    The fact that they did not or could not prosecute this slimy piece of shit, makes me very sad. If there is one person on this planet that deserves to be the victim of repeated prison rape, it is Thomas Dale DeLay.

  17. WalkinwiththeKing

    Wish he had stayed out of politics and stuck with his original career. Inhaling fumigants. America would have been sooo much better off.

  18. zhubajie

    He’s a Dispesationalist, too, that is, “the world’s ending and J-sus is returning, as soon as we build a temple in Jerusalem and have the anti-christ defile it” idiot. He’ll be on all the religious TV shows and mega-churches, for mega-bux.

  19. Obamas Left Testicle

    I am sure that all of you civil rights defenders will now take action to remedy the injustice that was perpetrated on this lawfully elected legislator and his constituents. I am sure that everyone will, except for you HYPOCRITES.

  20. DangerousLiberal

    [re=639507]jus_wonderin[/re]: Me too! I was wondering why they put his lotto pix on his booking photo? But where the fuck is the powerball number? I need the number quick!

  21. DangerousLiberal

    [re=639870]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: uhh. Sure. When they let that Alabama guy out of jail.

  22. Enslave the Whales

    [re=639870]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: You ought to have a word with the Bush Justice Department, since they’re the ones who investigated him.

  23. Enslave the Whales

    Oh, and young Jack? Yes indeedy he’s still a piece of shit. He makes Newt Gingrich look like a statesman.

Comments are closed.