Will Government Be Forced To Hold a Victory Parade For Tom DeLay?

by Jack Stuef

Next six years will be so fun!The SIX-YEAR investigation into Tom DeLay’s ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoff is now over! Hooray Sixth Amendment! The system works! Finally Tom DeLay can get back to his business as House Majority Leader, passing George W. Bush’s Mandate. But seriously, six years? And then, “Oh, whatever bro, we’re not gonna charge you with anything.” The government will probably have to fund Tom DeLay’s campaign to return to the House, and then it will have to fund a lavish parade in Washington welcoming DeLay’s return, for compensation. And also George W. Bush will have to be put back in office, because how else can Tom DeLay pass his fun laws?

2004 was a different time. Do you remember? Let us go back. None of us could vote, remember that? That was weird. And we had to use graphing calculators for the first time. Those things were annoying, but you could download games for them. Then Jimmy Gallagher got that girl pregnant, and we made fun of him in French II every day for having a kid. Wow, America was crazy back then!

Justin Bieber probably hadn’t even been born yet.

“The federal investigation of Tom DeLay is over, and there will be no charges,”” [his lawyer Richard] Cullen said. “This was one of the longest and expensive and thorough investigations in recent memory. DeLay took a tack right from the start that he had nothing to hide, and we have been in a routine and constant dialogue with [prosecutors].”

Wow. When has that ever been true? Tom DeLay actually had nothing to hide? That’s a little too hard to believe.

So what is our pal Tom doing now that he has returned to grace?

DeLay started a consulting firm, First Principles LLC, when he left office. He now spends most of his time at his home in Sugarland, Texas. He travels a lot to give speeches and works with foster children through the community he and his wife, Christine, started.

Oh, just running one of those Texas foster-kid cult compounds. Well, enjoy your retirement, Hammer Head, or whatever your nickname was. (Was it the Hebrew Hammer? Maybe that was it.)

[NOTE: This guy is still a piece of shit. Right? It's kind of hard to remember. Yes, we will say he's still a piece of shit.] [Politico 43]

 
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{ 38 comments }

Terry August 16, 2010 at 2:08 pm

He now spends most of his time at his home in Sugarland, Texas…sitting in his underwear, watching Fox News, and plotting revenge on his political enemies.

FMA August 16, 2010 at 2:10 pm

[re=639478]Terry[/re]: And killing bugs. Lots and lots of bugs.

weejee August 16, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Delay is only 5′-2″ in lifts? Smiling like that he’s gotta be wearin’ lifts.

CrunchyKnee August 16, 2010 at 2:13 pm

The wee man is very evil.

jus_wonderin August 16, 2010 at 2:13 pm

He’s a shit for sure. And he can’t dance.

Baldar T Flagass August 16, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Sugarland, eh? At least he’s doing his time in hell.

tribbzthesquidz August 16, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Who?

BlueStateLiberal August 16, 2010 at 2:20 pm

“None of us could vote, remember that?” Technically we could vote in 2004, it was just that our votes didn’t count. Remember when Bush lawyers found that obscure clause in the Constitution stating the the Supreme Court could appoint presidents, as long as they were Republican, remember? Good days.

JMP August 16, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Without Tom, we couldn’t have sweatshops on the Marianas Islands where virtual slaves could produce clothes with the “Made in the USA” label. Thanks, Tom!

Extemporanus August 16, 2010 at 2:24 pm

[re=639478]Terry[/re]: [re=639482]FMA[/re]: Thomas Dale DeLay was the inspiration for the King of the Hill character, “Dale Alvin Gribble”.

WhatTheHeck August 16, 2010 at 2:25 pm

How’s his golf game? Is it in the shitter like Tiger’s? A few trips abroad will fix that.

freakishlystrong August 16, 2010 at 2:32 pm

The oil slick in the Gulf of Murikka can’t compare to what leeched out when “Hot tub Tom” lived up to his nickname..

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 16, 2010 at 2:35 pm

It is good to see that he has taken, like many retired Republicans, to working with young, probably naked, foster children.

SayItWithWookies August 16, 2010 at 2:36 pm

This frees Delay up to be Newt’s running mate in 2012 on the “Bring Back the Post-Clinton Prosperity Before We Blew It All to Shit” ticket.

jus_wonderin August 16, 2010 at 2:37 pm

1 7 8 34 45 15 – are these my next Lotto numbers.

Winski August 16, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Yes, he’s still a piece of shit… and will ALWAYS be a piece of shit.. and Tweety Matthews will probably have him back on his program “Hardballs” (spelled that way on purpose) in the near future to openly brag about being a “free man”, and denounce everything that is Democratic…

Announcing his return to politics with John Cronyn as his main butt-boy. He’s going to run for the next King-of-the-World with Chimpy as his running mate and his headquarters will be the Family’s “C” street apartments…It’s a takeover..

This afternoon, the initial projections is that he’ll LOOSE by 750,000,000 votes.

JMP August 16, 2010 at 2:44 pm

[re=639493]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: It’s another sign that Jack’s still a child, and the rest of us are mostly olds.

[re=639505]SayItWithWookies[/re]: At least, unlike Newt, the media hasn’t decided that DeLay is somehow still politically relevant and constantly given him airtime to spew his bullshit over the TV.

Mickey7 August 16, 2010 at 2:59 pm

You know what this means? Heeee’s baaackkkk…

PlanetWingnuta August 16, 2010 at 3:00 pm

how did he not get one charge? sighs…

SayItWithWookies August 16, 2010 at 3:05 pm

[re=639515]JMP[/re]: After his overexposure on Dancing with the Stars, I have no doubt that where Delay’s ass has been, his mouth is soon to follow.

gurukalehuru August 16, 2010 at 3:06 pm

[re=639508]Winski[/re]: Yes, but how much will he lose by?

gurukalehuru August 16, 2010 at 3:14 pm

Dancing boy is done and Texas politics has moved on, but it doesn’t matter. They’ve got a surplus of crazy in the Lone Star State.

MOG August 16, 2010 at 3:26 pm

DeLay-Palin 2012???

Dingus McHatred August 16, 2010 at 3:27 pm

DeLay sounds Messican to me. Or maybe I’m thinking of FritoLay.

Geogre August 16, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Tom DeLay is responsible for Gohmert and a lot of the other weirdos from Texas.

Remember when the Democrats in the Texas legislature walked out? Remember when they fled to Oklahoma, and the Rangers went after them? Do you remember why? It was because DeLay’s organization inside the state had the most outlandish gerrymandering ever seen to create Republican safe districts.

This is the man behind the K Street Project.

This is an historic turdburger.

WindbagCity August 16, 2010 at 3:47 pm

This is all fine and good, but the real question is: what implications does this have for Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula-Gibbs??

Clancy_Pants August 16, 2010 at 4:07 pm

I still hate the sleazy fuck but hats off for the best mugshot ever.

just pixels August 16, 2010 at 4:09 pm

It ain’t over ’til Orly Taitz’s “International Court of Human Rights” says so. It’s like the International House of Pancakes, but with less gravitas. Also less syrup.

RobPetrified August 16, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Charges dropped does not equal cleared of wrongdoing.
Once a politician piece of shit, now a lobbying piece of shit.
He’s still an exact copy of something I wiped from my boots the last time I walked through the chicken yard.
Shit.

GOPCrusher August 16, 2010 at 5:17 pm

The fact that they did not or could not prosecute this slimy piece of shit, makes me very sad. If there is one person on this planet that deserves to be the victim of repeated prison rape, it is Thomas Dale DeLay.

WalkinwiththeKing August 16, 2010 at 6:04 pm

Wish he had stayed out of politics and stuck with his original career. Inhaling fumigants. America would have been sooo much better off.

zhubajie August 16, 2010 at 7:02 pm

He’s a Dispesationalist, too, that is, “the world’s ending and J-sus is returning, as soon as we build a temple in Jerusalem and have the anti-christ defile it” idiot. He’ll be on all the religious TV shows and mega-churches, for mega-bux.

Obamas Left Testicle August 16, 2010 at 8:44 pm

I am sure that all of you civil rights defenders will now take action to remedy the injustice that was perpetrated on this lawfully elected legislator and his constituents. I am sure that everyone will, except for you HYPOCRITES.

DangerousLiberal August 16, 2010 at 9:01 pm

[re=639507]jus_wonderin[/re]: Me too! I was wondering why they put his lotto pix on his booking photo? But where the fuck is the powerball number? I need the number quick!

DangerousLiberal August 16, 2010 at 9:02 pm

[re=639870]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: uhh. Sure. When they let that Alabama guy out of jail.

Enslave the Whales August 16, 2010 at 9:03 pm

[re=639870]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: You ought to have a word with the Bush Justice Department, since they’re the ones who investigated him.

Enslave the Whales August 16, 2010 at 9:06 pm

Oh, and young Jack? Yes indeedy he’s still a piece of shit. He makes Newt Gingrich look like a statesman.

sanantonerose August 17, 2010 at 11:45 pm

DeLay runs circles around Rep Orangina, don’t he? Evil little shit got shit DONE.

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