Colorado Tea Party maniac Dan Maes managed just barely to win last week’s GOP gubernatorial primary, because his opponent was a plagiarist and because only he dared to tell the truth about the Communist bike-sharing evil that threatens to destroy America forever. With that tough race over, will the Colorado Republican party, led by the by the noble and forthright Dick Wadhams, rally behind their candidate? Sure! Attempting to convince him to quit so they can replace him with someone who will lose not quite as badly counts as “rallying,” right?
ColoradoPols.com has the secret anonymously-sourced inside scoop on Republican emissaries who were sent to demand that he quit. Apparently the party has already written off the race, but wants someone who won’t lose spectacularly, because they still have high hopes for birther-baiting Senate candidate Ken Buck and other downticket races and don’t want people to vote against them out of spite. Party chair Dick Wadhams did not go himself, in order to maintain his reputation for integrity and skillful management, but his lieutenants brought this ominous message:
The message from Republicans is that there will be no outside money and no fundraising assistance for Maes if he stays in the race, but if he drops out there could be support for him for future opportunities.
Sorry you can’t be governor even though you won the primary, Dan! Would you like to be a State Senator from nowhereseville in 2014? Dick Wadhams can make that happen!
But Maes refused to budge and put up a defiant message on Facebook, so Wadhams had to go on TV and say how much he loves ol’ Dan. So, good luck with your suicide mission, Mr. Maes! When the U.N.’s bicycle-mounted shock troops flow out of Denver to conquer free peoples everywhere, we will at least be able to say that we were warned. [ColoradoPols/7News Denver]
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The message from Republicans is that there will be no outside money and no fundraising assistance for Maes if he stays in the race, but if he drops out he may come home to find a pair of Thai hookers in his bed, already getting things going because they were getting tired of waiting, but now that he’s here, oooohhh, the fun can really begin.
There, fixed it.
So can Dan expect to wake up one morning to find a horse’s head in his bed? An elephant’s head?
Putting the Dickwad in Dick Wadhams.
As in Nevada and elsewhere, possibly even Kentucky, I just want to give a hearty thanks to the teabaggers for giving us unelectably insane Rep candidates.
[re=639202]qwerty42[/re]: Probably a live boy or a dead girl.
[re=639198]Serolf Divad[/re]:
Just don’t give Maes any drugs. He seems to hallucinate well enough without them.
Listen up, Colorado Republican leaders! If we can live with, and even embrace, silent Al Greene, you can live with Maes, Angle, Buck, Rand, McMahon and Basil Marceaux. Fair’s fair.
Oh, yeah, and that Rogers guy in Oklahoma, too.
It’s Dandy Dan from Bugsy Malone, all growed up minus the sweet pencil thin ‘stache.
This is fantastic!
Tell the Beast to run loose, because it’s good for your baseness, and then tell the Beast that you didn’t really want it to run for office. That’s going to go well. What I find amusing is the idea that they promise that they would support him later.
Yeah. “UN Bicycle Plot” is a Republican position.
[re=639207]Terry[/re]:
Maybe he’ll show up on one of Ayn Rand’s spirit quests!
Dies Imaes
[re=639219]user-of-owls[/re]: Oh Owls are you a lapsed Catholic also?
So they’ll pat good ol’ Dan Maes on the head because him play banjo so goooood, and then they’ll give him a commissioner’s job for inspecting the Colorado coastline, or some such?
That is the most painfully forced smile I have ever seen. Good god, the man has no lips!
The trick to bike-sharing is to use the bikes to go downhill, then take the bus or subway back up.
Hang in there Dandy Dan, do not let the Commie-Pinko Repubs take this prized temporary possession from your cold, almost political dead hands.
It’s a key plank in the Teaparty platform: Only the truly committed to the American people quit their jobs midstream.
Sarah Palin wrote the book on it.
Would it even be allowed to remove Maes from the ballot & put someone else in his place (without that new candidate sufficing as a write-in)? Maybe if Maes dies “tragically”, first, like that Mel Carnahan or Paul Wellstone?
Watch your back, Dan Maes. The GOP’s knives are long… & pointed at your back.
Why would a Colorado conservative accept “outside money” in the first place? Not much of a threat there, Dick Wad. The Tea Party will prevail, as it has so many times in the past.
[re=639205]JMP[/re]: Don’t count your teabags before they’ve been brewed ….
Good old Republican policies back in action. They’re all for the will of the people until the stupid people make a decision the party doesn’t like. Look at the Palestinians’ election of Hamas to find out how the GOP feels about “free elections”.
The GOP unleashed the crazy on this poor country to try to scare people from voting for a black guy for president. They wanted to live by the crazy, but they will die by the crazy. I do believe in karma.
If the GOP won’t do it, how can I contribute to his campaign? Cheaper than dinner and a movie, and much more bang for your entertainment buck.
[re=639216]Geogre[/re]: Sometimes lately it seems like Mary Shelley must have had a vision of modern-day America and her most famous work was a metaphor for the Republican leadership and the teabaggers.
Is that a pizza tie?
Hmmm, with such a small campaign budget Dan Maes might only be able to afford a used mountain bike to tour around with.
“if he drops out there could be support for him for future opportunities.”
Not to accuse the GOP of rank hypocrisy, but didn’t they jump all over Obama for allegedly offering Joe Sestak a job if Sestak dropped out of the Senate race against long-time Democrat Arlen Specter? No, that never happened?
Dude looks like “a recombo DNA project aimed at tailoring people for high-speed burrowing.”
So if it doesn’t throw toxic pollution into the air, or go into the landfill after a single use, or burn fossil fuels, or owe it’s existence to a $2 a day Chinese sweatshop worker, the American teabagger has no need of it. Is that right? Hey Dan, what if the bicycles were made in China? Sure, they’d be crap, but all you’d have to do is throw them away and get new ones after a few weeks of regular use…which is the American way. Oh wait, I know, I know. We’d lose all that belly fat and adipose tissue you teabaggers are so keen on. That’s where the deep mistrust of the bicycle comes from.
When he outlaws U.N. bicycles, only outlaws will have U.N. bicycles. But he has a point: bicycles encourage socialism by placing the responsibility and work of moving yourself around on your shoulders. (Technically on your thigh muscles, but that makes it sound all romantic.) Using a car discourages socialism by forcing people to use government-built roads.
One cannot overestimate the communistic dangers bicycle-sharing. In my callow youth, I once shared my bicycle and it came back with the front wheel bent and the seat all cock-eyed. My dad was pissed.
This is America, dammit! Stay in school, work hard, and someday you can afford your own bicycle!
[re=639298]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: what if the bicycles were made in China? Sure, they’d be crap…
My big brother communistically loaned me his made-in-China Diamondback mountain bike the other day; it was a pretty decent ride.
As a Coloradoeranite, I am very proud to have Mister Dan Maes atop the Republican ballot for governor. And the crazy chicken Tom Tancredo is in the same race, but he is not a Republican this time around, altho the Tea Partiers love him. The state GOP is led by DickWadhams, who has overseen the transformation of Colorado in the past few years from a solid Red state to thoroughly BLUE, and somehow is still in office. And Ken “those birther assholes” Buck is going for the Senate seat. Do not rock the boat at this point. They are doing just fine on their own.
[re=639224]disgustedcitizen[/re]: He gets that from his father Bill, who happened to be the local fire marshall.
[re=639290]SmutBoffin[/re]: So, in other words, party chair Dick Wadhams wants a mole removed?
In a perfect world, the Teabagger sponsored candidates will all suffer soul-crushing defeats in the general election and the Teabaggers will go away and reevaluate their value systems.
Unfortunately, it will just make them even more militant and provoke them to commit acts of domestic terrorism.
Is this a secretly anti-ghey thing? Could CO get more TB-ers to support the idea if they started calling them heterocycles?
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