flotus files

Michelle Obama Is Still Too Good For the Gulf

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That's MRS. Flotus to you ...Michelle “Marie” Obama-Antoinette is back in the United States after an unpatriotic vacation in Spain, where she relaxed by dancing in the streets on burning piles of money, watching Sasha make sand castles out of pure gold, and swimming in the Mediterranean while laughing about how oil-free the water is there. And since FLOTUS did not obey the demands of The People, who prefer that the First Lady spend her summer eating Double Down sandwiches in the unemployment line like an honest American, she was punished for her sins with a trip to the Gulf to watch reporters hit on her shirtless husband.

The whole Obama family (except Malia, who is away at a secret summer camp for kids who don’t like having their wardrobes discussed by sick adults,) was down at “Alligator Point” in Florida on Saturday, because our African-born president just loves swimming with gators. And to the amusement of White House Flickr fans everywhere, this made for some sexy presidential footage, the likes of which we have not seen since those black-and-whites of William Howard Taft’s bathtub. But Michelle was having none of it, because this family only has room for one star, and that star is Michelle Obama.

The president joked that the last time he went swimming, in Hawaii, the images of him without his shirt on wound up on the covers of magazines. A reporter remarked that perhaps that’s a good thing. First lady Michelle Obama, who was standing nearby, chimed in: “No it’s not,” she said, shaking her head with a smile.

Yes, “that’s a good thing,” because without tabloid status the president would be completely irrelevant. That is how Democracy works, as Levi Johnston’s tell-all book will one day explain. Mrs. Obama, on the other hand, is so important to America that Democrats — who are apparently “endangered” like pandas — are begging her to campaign for them, since that husband of hers sure won’t get the job done. So for now, to the dismay of her frighteningly loyal fans, FLOTUS remains far too significant and respectable for a swimsuit edition. [Politico]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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  • JMP

    Being Politico, I figured many of the comments would be infuriating; and of course they were. Here’s one: “I will pay 100 dollars to any newspaper that publishes a picture of Michelle’s gigantic fatass in a bathing suit.” Ugh, how out-of-touch with reality does someone have to be to claim she’s fat.

    And there’s lots of jokes claiming that Obama goes on vacation all the time, from people who were fans of George W. Irony much?

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Wait, black people can swim? I heard (growing up in OK) that their heavier bones made it impossible for them to float (swear to God). I got out of OK as fast as I could!!

  • Terry


    I’m sure she’s about a quarter the size of the average Politico commenter.

  • Army of None

    Pardon me for sounding like Peggy Noonan, but WTF is a Double Down sandwich?

  • plowman

    Man, she got a world-class tan at the Redneck Riviera…

  • WhatTheHeck

    President Obama is in L.A. today, I believe. So while he’s taking a dip in the Pacific off Malibu, Michelle will be shopping on Rodeo Drive, like all real Merikuns.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=639270]JMP[/re]: The best part was that this trip was designed to talk up how safe, clean and open for business the Gulf Coast is — so of course the Republicans are trashing attempts at boosting the economies of stricken tourist areas, mostly their own. They should run on promising to stop making their constituents miserable once they’ve won the elections in November — that should go over well.

  • azw88

    Wasn’t it Jimmy the Greek that said something about Blacks being not so good at swimming??

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=639283]Army of None[/re]: This. See also the Wikipedia entry for “Mississippi–Obesity–Reasons For.”

  • Oblios Cap

    Do you know else has been swimming at Alligator Point?

    Me! Many times.

    I’ve also been blotto at the Point Lounge, slept on the beach, gone to the KOA for a shower, and back to the Lounge for kickass Bloody Marys and started all over. Did Barry do all that, too?

  • JMP

    [re=639292]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It’s almost as if they want the country to fail so that they can blame it on Obama and Pelosi.

  • just pixels

    He’s not good enough for her!

    (Michelle, if you’re reading this, my offer is still open. “Mrs Michelle Pixels”. Think about it.)

  • chascates


    Obama’s Gulf Swim Was Fake – by Stephen Lendman
    As for Obama’s swim, on August 16, the London Independent reported that Obama and his daughter, Sasha, swam in a private Panama City Beach, FL beach off Alligator Point in St. Andrew Bay, not part of the Gulf.
    Reporters were banned, no TV video permitted. “So….only the White House photographer was allowed to capture proceedings. The official picture was intended to provide evidence that the region’s beaches are back to normal.”

    There are conspiracies EVERYWHERE!!!

  • oneoclockjump

    Yes, chascates, I heard that they were prevented from swimming in the Gulf because of riptides.
    This morning the right wing block, oh, excuse me, blogheads were criticizing Obama for not allowing the press to follow the family to the beach so that each member of the press could take their own photos. I suppose this is a violation of their First Amendment rights, or something.
    Now in the PM they are criticizing the family for “parading” the kids around as “props”, and using them for “political purposes”, and not allowing them to have a “normal life”.
    My head is going to explode before Labor Day.

  • Oblios Cap


    alligator point is further east than that.

  • Real Talk

    I’ll ask again, this time on my knees.

    Can someone PLEASE link me to the Image of Michelle O that is used for FLOTUS files.

    It’s perfect for something I’m working on. Please.

    Oh did I mention, Please…

  • desertwind

    [re=639668]Real Talk[/re]: White House Flicker foto. Think it was this Feb’s governor’s ball.

  • KasieGrossen

    The Gulf oil spill has become a thing of the past. I have become sick of Gulf oil spill. Let’s talk of something else now.
    Glamour Smile

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