Tina Brown’s Internet Tendency Wants You To Know That Sasha Obama Is a ‘Fashion Icon’

  nauseating friday

Haha, nice try, Obama! Those things are no longer children.What we really need is for someone to break down the cost of things Sasha Obama wears and where to get them, because she is nine years old. Thankfully, we have The Daily Beast. “The affordability of Sasha’s clothes, according to Mary Tomer, ‘makes Mrs. Obama and Sasha Obama all the more relatable.’ She says that Sasha’s style choices communicate a ‘vibrant and playful — yet entirely unique — American childhood.’” Sasha is very careful to brand herself the right way. Her brand says, “I am a fucking child. You people are disgusting.”

Pictures of Michelle Obama in Spain surfaced last week amid criticism that she was a “modern-day Marie Antoinette.” The Jean-Paul Gaultier top she wore for sight-seeing drew as much heat as the price of the trip. But by her side, an unlikely style star emerged: 9-year-old Sasha Obama. While the Obama entourage hoofed it through the coastal town of Ronda, Sasha looked comfortable in a pair of reasonably priced Nikes. She danced on the beach in a $25 Gap rainbow bathing suit. To lunch with the Spanish royal family on the Balearic island of Mallorca, Sasha showed up in a yellow J.Crew tutu and tank top, a wrist full of fake pearls, and a frayed blue lanyard dangling around her ankle. The whole look cost roughly $75. She was the very image of a normal American girl.

Pedophiles reading this are thinking, “This is disgusting. You are picking apart and fetishizing the personal appearance of a nine-year-old so that you can judge its personal and monetary worth. We’re going to vomit.”

Since Obama took office last January, Sasha and Malia’s style has evolved in the public eye. When the girls appeared alongside their parents in Grant Park on Election Night, Sasha pulled heartstrings in a black baby-doll dress. The piece, by Gerson & Gerson, which retailed for $72 at Neiman Marcus and Dillard’s, was instantly renamed “The Sasha” by the designer.

“Congratulations. You’ve done what modern medicine cannot do. You have changed our sexual orientation. We are no longer attracted to children. Excuse us while we vomit for the rest of our lives.” [Daily Beast via Pareene]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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30 comments

  1. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Sigh…, I can’t wait until she is falling down drunk in college for the Paparazzi.

  2. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=638722]lochnessmonster[/re]: Yes, when will they focus on the fact that they were born out of the country and are Muslims? I mean, they are black, right?

  3. weejee

    the coastal town of Ronda
    Teh Beast don’t know from geography. Ronda is not on the coast. It is the biggie of the Pueblo Blanco – whitewashed towns in northern Málaga and Cádiz in Andalusia. It has a great bridge, the Puente Nuevo, that stands almost 400 feet above the canyon below. During the Spanish Civil War as the town was taken and then retaken, the winning side got to toss members of the losing side off of the bridge. Fortunately, the locals haven’t kept up this tradition.

  4. Extemporanus

    [re=638734]weejee[/re]: Ohhh…this whole time I thought the Obama ladiez were visiting their ancestral home of Rwanda.

    (Rumor has it there’s great 4-scar hotel there.)

  5. The Sandman

    [re=638734]weejee[/re]: I spent a summer there in my youth. We would go into the cathedral there and look at the dead saint in the glass box covered with jewels. That bastard has been in my nightmares ever since.

  6. Cookie Guggelman

    But John McCain hasn’t joked about the girls being the daughters of an ugly lesbian, so they’ve got that going for them, which is nice.

  7. Mad Brahms

    “The Jean-Paul Gaultier top she wore for sight-seeing drew as much heat as the price of the trip”

    It… did? Among *who* exactly? Jesus H. Christ, these people are bastard people.

  8. Hunger Tallest Palin

    I don’t know about you folks but when I was 9 my brand said: “My mom buys my clothes.”

  9. Mad Brahms

    [re=638793]Hunger Tallest Palin[/re]: That was still my look well into my undergraduate years, unfortunately, and now that I’m a poor grad student I wish she still *could* buy my clothes.

  10. Rev. Juan MessyCan

    *Sigh* US$75 pays for my monthly wardrobe. Then again, I live in communist MessyCanLand, where burlap sacks are issued by the government (in exchange for a $5 luxury tax).

  11. Enslave the Whales

    Her brand says, “I am a fucking child. You people are disgusting.”

    Jack, this is possibly the best sentence ever written in the English language.

  12. Enslave the Whales

    [re=638754]germansteel[/re]: No, but it would be inaccurate. You should refer to her as a “scum-covered worm-infested surgically-sewn-up cunt”.

  13. itgetter

    [re=638716]facehead[/re]: Isn’t she the SDOTUS. You know, ’cause she’s younger? Serious question.

  14. libwakman

    Why aren’t Beck & Limpballs all over the Obama offspring?
    Malia & Sasha are QUITE OBVIOUSLY to the trained Teabaggettte eye the number 1 & 2 most obvious anchor TERROR BABIES ever created by an illegal.
    “Malia, Sasha, please meet the Queen of England”: upon bowing they detonate the switch to the O-Bomb stitched into their Gap garments which were of course stitched together by underpaid labor in Mexico or Pakistan. Ka-fuckin’-boom goes the queen along with the 2 evil Nazi Devil spawn, thus destroying the inspected by number so & so tag giving Interpol not lead number fuckin’ one.

  15. facehead

    [re=638903]itgetter[/re]: Good question, for a terrorist.

    Do you think NOBAMAR has numbers for all his different muslin anchor terror wives? What is Hillary, FELOTUS (fourty eighth lady of the U.S.)?

  16. Potater

    A chill went down my spine when I read the words, “Sasha pulled heartstrings in a black baby-doll dress.” There is no way in Jesus Christ’s own language (American) that the above phrase could *not* be construed in a pedophilic way.

    Of course, this article pales in comparison to one of the commenters on that site who wrote this little gem: “I don’t care what Obama’s kids wear, but what I do care about is how the Obamas want to ram down our throats what they think is good for Americans. If Michelle Obama wants to get involved, then she better play by the rules. Stop telling Americans want [sic] to eat and look at her own chubby daughter. That kid is fat and the Surgeon General is a disgusting slob. How dare they tell America to lose weight, when they have tubbies all around them….That kid needs to go to a fat farm before it is too late…”

    Then more gobbledy gook about wanting their country back. Fucking shiteaters.

  17. El Kabong

    that middle piece of the swingset looks like a giant SWINGNUT – is that what our kids are playing on nowadays – no wonder our kids are sexual by age two…

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