cartoon violence

Anchor Babies Are the Future

By the Comics Curmudgeon
It is hard to move Lindsey Graham to anger, but once moved, his rage is implacable, and only a constitutional amendment can satisfy him. Lindsey is mad at babies, of course — babies who have the misfortune of being pushed through a birth canal that is lousy with Foreignness, but then land with a plop on U.S. soil. These babies then literally grow metal hooks into the soil, making them impossible to deport. Most Americans find squalling brown infants terribly intimidating, and instinctively clutch their purses tighter when walking through NICUs in “bad areas” at night, but at least cartoonists are unafraid to call an anchor an anchor.

What is the attitude of the typical illegal immigrant towards the country that they left their home and family to sneak in to, and then work for terrible pay to stay in? Obviously — obviously — they hate it. They hate it with a burning passion! And so, when they drop a baby on U.S. soil, and they realize that their newborn child is a citizen of America rather than of Foreign, they hate that baby, too, and must find ways to show their contempt for it. Here we see a typical pair of illegal immigrants, enjoying a long weekend off, powerboating off the Hamptons, literally using their new American baby as an anchor. Would they be throwing that little patriot overboard if he had been born in Peru or Mongolia or wherever? We think not!

Exactly what kind of monsters are these illegal aliens, who so casually toss their American babies about? Here we see the two main types of immigrants who swim under fences to arrive in our homeland. On the left, we have the notoriously corrupt Pakistani President Asif Ali Zadari, who has realized that the Presidency of Pakistan is one of the least rewarding jobs in the world, and who has come here seeking a better life as some sort of shady disco doctor to the stars. On the right, we have Spider-Man. Is this who we want as the parents to our next generation of children? Bribe-takers and pajama-clad vigilantes?

At least there is one foreign menace the U.S. has managed to keep at bay: the Dutch. Here, we see a typical Dutchman, slouching sullenly along the barrier wall our farsighted forefathers built along our border with the Netherlands. With his hair in his face, his backwards baseball cap, and his big baggy pants, he represents everything Americans must keep at bay. Note how he won’t even make eye contact. He’s probably high on drugs! Are you high, kid? Huh? Are you? Look at me when I talk to you! Anyway, as you can see, the Anti-Dutch Protection Barrier is crumbling on Obama’s watch, but fortunately Mopey van Mopen here is too lazy to try to take advantage of that fact.

Yes, it is certainly tough, being America, what with all the Mexican babies and Spider-Men and Dutch layabouts trying to sneak into you. You have to sort of feel sorry for our national symbol, as he heads morosely down to the laundromat to wash his clothes, looking at his fading t-shirts and trying to decide if he can afford to throw them out despite their unsightly appearance. In fact, it seems that our Uncle Sam doesn’t even realize that he has something that everyone else envies: plump, juicy buttocks. And they look great in vertical stripes, too. Learn to love yourself, Uncle Sam! You’ve got a hot bod!

But it was too late. Uncle Sam gave in to the Beauty Myth and had that lap band surgery, the tragic results of which you can see here.

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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40 comments

  1. Otto Reimer

    So John McCain is a Reverse Terror Baby, or a Freedom Baby, if you will? Or was he sent here by Panama to start a race war in Arizona? Either way, I hope they pass this bill so our long national nightmare of McCain can finally end.

  2. JMP

    Uh, is that last cartoon saying that Uncle Sam has an 8-foot long penis that flops back on himself when semi-flaccid? ‘Cause that’s what it looks like.

  3. Joshua Norton

    The nefarious plan so far:

    1. Conceive child.
    2. Sneak into Texas to deliver child.
    3. ???
    4. Prophet!

  4. SmutBoffin

    Re: the first cartoon.

    Yep. That’s the metaphor*. A baby that helps to maintain your geographical position in America is a figurative anchor.

    And you drew just that. Impressive. Here’s your paycheck.

    *Unless I am missing something?

  5. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=638540]JMP[/re]: I thought it showed Uncle Sam doing yoga, which is totally for pussies. Pussies of the foreign kind. Ask anyone who’s ever tried it.

  6. Lascauxcaveman

    Hahahah! Chuck Assey is telling us the Dutch are simply smarter than us! (As in smart enough to get the hell out of Afghanistan.)

    I think he may have got one right this time!

  7. JMP

    [re=638555]Joshua Norton[/re]: The ridiculous thing about the anchor babies bullshit is that, while citizens can petition for permanent residency for their parents, they can’t do so until they’re 21. So what, do the racists believe that all these Mexicans are jumping the border to give birth so they can move here in two decades?

  8. Broken Malice Machine

    First off I’d like to say thank you Josh for trudging through the veritable nightmare that is conservative humor, especially in cartoon form. I love how just absolutely racist these neanderthals are, especially in cartoons #1 and #2. Anchor baby has to be one of more insulting, xenophobic terms anyone has come across; especially since these pasty lardos ONLY use it against messicans. Cartoon #2 could easily appear in the KKK quarterly or the sanitized version of white supremacist, pants shitting periodicals wingnuts read to get aroused. I love the false claim at work here, it’s so nasty and meanspirited it’s not even worth addressing. Yep gotta love the good ole’ Dutch; they recognize that the Afghanistan situtation is Vietnam redux and finally pull the plug because they’ve gone from the NAMBLA icon dutch boy to lazy hippies apparently.

    This is sort of off-topic but not really; but the jig is up. Aside from of course trying to appease the white racist fright wing in Arizona, lil’ Jan seems to be up to something…like doing the bidding for a corporate prison. Yes it is just a coincidence that SP 1070′s funneling of those damned filthy Messicans to jail would net millions in additional funding to this particular corporate prison company (CCA) while also a COMPLETE coincidence that two of Brewer’s inner circle of staff members also happened to be lobbyists for this corporate prison, coincidence indeed.

    By the way, I love how wingnuts keep beating on “Obama’s economy” as it shows they have absolutely no principles or consistency. If this is supposedly “the free market” wouldn’t what they advocate (shoveling tax credits down corporate and richguy shit holes) not constitute a breach of their supposed ‘principles’? Since that seems to be their only solution,(you know doing exactly the same thing Bush did) I find it ironic that they complain about the government wanting to use targetting to put money in the right place instead of just handing it to people and lying about its deficit costs….I know, long post and no snark; I’m kind of pissed.

  9. Gun-toting Progressive

    [re=638564]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: There are only two things in this world which I hate… Intolerance, and the Dutch!

  10. McDuff

    [re=638574]Gun-toting Progressive[/re]: But remember, the Pennsylvania Dutch are really Germans, not Dutchmen, so don’t hate on them too much.

  11. Mad Brahms

    The hell is with the giant needle in cartoon #2? Is that guy supposed to be an Evil Mexican Abortionist? And if so, doesn’t this help with the anchor baby problem?

  12. just pixels

    Pew Research found there 7% of children have at least one illegal immigrant as a parent. The percent with only one illegal immigrant parent is obviously smaller, lets say 6% just for fun. The percent of illegal immigrants in the overall population is about 4%. The high percent of children is undoubtedly ordinary demographics – younger people come here illegally and they are more likely to have children than the general population.

    So are there anchor babies? Obviously there are some, just as there were some actual Welfare Queens in Ronald Reagan’s era. And the babies play the same role in the rhetoric, to create outrage about a group of people who have no hope of defending themselves.

    How about this idea TP’er’s? Free abortions for illegal immigrants. No babies, no anchors. Admittedly, it runs counter to the “protest innocent human life” ethos, but America — I am told — is facing an existential threat from these babies. No price is to high to pay to protect our freedoms.

  13. Ducksworthy

    [re=638595]Mad Brahms[/re]: Mad. You’re drifting perilously close to a solution to the anchor baby problem that will drive a huge wedge into the heart of teabaggery. I speak of course of the proposal for mandatory abortions for all illegal aliens.

  14. gurukalehuru

    I’m guessing that,back in school, Chuck Asay was called Chuck Asshole. In any event, I’m going to go with that.

  15. WhatTheHeck

    [re=638614]Ducksworthy[/re]: [re=638595]Mad Brahms[/re]: Yes. Selective breeding: The solution to Amerikkka’s population problem.
    As we speak, there are embryos being readied for the eventual harvesting of the ‘Boys from Brazil.’

  16. Barrelhse

    [re=638557]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Roscoe- there’s just one point where we seem to differ. I LOVE pussies!

  17. Barrelhse

    [re=638567]Broken Malice Machine[/re]: Don’t feel too bad about the lack of snark. “Pants shitting periodicals” is somewhat redeeming.

  18. steverino247

    [re=638564]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Plus, it’s a bad metaphor. The Dutch do fight off the North Sea because it is a serious threat to them. Nobody in AF is a threat to the Dutch and there’s no fucking ocean trying to get in. Also. (Besides, weren’t the Canadians wanting to leave AF because we stupidly killed a bunch of their guys?)

  19. LittlePig

    I expect these cartoonists all work from home, being so askeert of Messican babies and all. Surely they aren’t man enough to leave the house.

  20. Come here a minute

    [re=638595]Mad Brahms[/re]: I think the giant needle represents Mexican drug dealers. It’s my impression that if you use a needle with pot, u r doin it rong, but I’m not a professional cartoonist.

  21. american mutt

    that fuckwad glenn mccoy never had “hope” in jack shit. He’s probably jerking off on that shirt right now.

  22. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=638658]steverino247[/re]: Nobody in AF is a threat to the Dutch

    Actually, the Dutch are almost more hyper-sensitive to Islamics (and Islamists) than good-ol’-USAmericans, even. Due to their incredibly liberal immigration laws, they’ve let in a shitload of Islamic folks over the past 30 years and they have their share of troublemakers. High profile murders of gay mayors, documentary filmmakers and rebellious teen Arab girls are often in the news, with fundie Muslim men invariably holding the gun/knife.

  23. maven

    [re=638567]Broken Malice Machine[/re]: Cartoon number 1 wasn’t political at all, it was Ramirez drawing his autobiography.

  24. Rock Ripsnort

    It’s the position of Unca Sam in that last cartoon that confuses me. Is he lying down, and that’s his enormous pointy belly? Or is he standing up but drooping face-down to the ground because of softening of the spine? Is he fat or spineless?

    And where were all the gay-marriage panic cartoons this week?

  25. steverino247

    [re=638784]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Yeah, that’s true, but then why did they go in the first place? Not to give their infantry some training they can’t get at home like many of our “partners” did.

  26. sweet old bob

    Ach, Jah – dat Nederlandisch cartoon brings me to laughing…und then crying…und then laughing again…und Weinen…usw.

  27. PrimlyStable

    24 Dutch soldiers died in Afghanistan. Not sure if that really count as sloping on by, assuming that someone else will deal with the problem. But then I guess that the morons who draw such cartoons don’t realise that anyone other than USA! USA!! USA!!! has lost soldiers over there. Based on “casualites per head of population”, the biggest sacrifice so far has come from Denmark, followed by Canada, the UK and, in fourth place, the US.

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