beyond the gate of experience flows the Way

Alvin Greene Finally Indicted On Porn Charge

Too much desire tears the heart.Many moons ago, as the days grew short and the air thick with the cold of autumn’s decline, Alvin Greene was allegedly witnessing the act of human reproduction. He then turned to a fellow human and showed her this example of how humans come to be. And now a South Carolina grand jury, out of touch with the Dao, has finally indicted Greene for this simple act. Do the people of South Carolina realize that what Alvin Greene had on his computer is the most pivotal experience of our existence?

Take it away, Wikipedia:

Another important concept of “The Joining of the Essences” was that the union of a man and a woman would result in the creation of jing, a type of sexual energy. When in the act of lovemaking, jing would form, and the man could transform some of this jing into qi, and replenish his lifeforce. By having as much sex as possible, men had the opportunity to transform more and more jing, and as a result would see many health benefits.

Stop cramping Alvin Greene’s quest for qi, South Carolina. You have so upset The Way that Alvin Greene’s website is now down. But that has not deterred him from making a second campaign speech, which clocked in at a very Daoist 23 seconds. [AP/Wikipedia]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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33 comments

  1. BadMFer

    So dude was indicted on felony “Showing Pornography”. If I lived in SC I’d be commiting half a dozen felonies a day.

  2. I Heart Accuracy

    That chapter of the Dao was never assigned in class. Wouldn’t you know they put it on the final.

  3. ella

    By having as much sex as possible, men had the opportunity to transform more and more jing…

    Oh, pls. Stop with the jing shit and call it what it is: horny as hell.

  4. JMP

    From the article, the felony charge is basically just for looking at porn; that’s it. Really, South Carolina? I knew the place was backwards, but that’s ridiculous.

  5. Ninong

    HOLY CRAP! “Communicating an obscene message without consent” can get you three years and a $10,000 fine in South Carolina!

    Remember when some states in the South had laws on the books that made sodomy, including oral sex with your own spouse, a felony? They only enforced those laws if the two consenting adults involved were both of the same sex.

    Right now under the U.S. Military’s Uniform Code of Military Justice both adultery and sodomy are forbidden. If they catch a general officer screwing a subordinate’s wife and IF it becomes a public issue, they usually quietly ask him to retire rather than taking it any further.

  6. Swattie Swat

    [re=638523]gurukalehuru[/re]: Very true, Beck is already weeping and fapping so hard about our new Silent CalBuddha. If only our Greene who smoke dope by the river, then he’d get Randy Paul’s support as well.

    Still, it gives me pause: 23 seconds. It’s so familiar… someone alert Jim Carrey!!!1!

  7. SayItWithWookies

    [re=638525]Ninong[/re]: Does that mean if you want to talk dirty to someone in SC you have to get their permission first? That takes all the fun out of it.

  8. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    If a wandering Daoist monk and Republican plant for the South Carolina Democratic Senate nomination can’t look at and share porn with some co-ed, what has this world come to? Next thing you know, they will be arresting Tom Foley for his text messages.

  9. Serolf Divad

    OH NO!!!! This will make it all the more difficult for the Democrtas to win over the insanely racist, mildly retarded, Fundamentalism crazed electorate of South Carolina (AKA: Teabag central).

  10. HuddledMass

    [re=638571]JMP[/re]: I don’t think any color of guy should be shoving porn under my nose without an invitation. Maybe he’s hopelessly inept, but I’m thinking more like “creep.”

  11. BobTheBuilder

    Hey South Carolina: FUCK YOU!

    (There. That was worth three years and a ten thousand dollar fine.)

  12. the bf

    I recall what my grandpappy said when I was was a small child: “remember, son, an indictment is NOT a conviction”.

  13. The Greatest American hero

    [re=638534]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Do you mean Mark Foley? Because I don’t want the mental picture of the former Speaker of the House sexting.

  14. Gorillionaire

    When I worked in an emergency room in North Carolina, one of the doctors working with us one evening had from somewhere an “Adam and Eve” catalog, and he found a picture of one of those absurdly huge dildos (NOT Bill Krystal) and he kept laughing and running around pushing it into every young nurses’ face until he found something else to do. As far as I know that doctor never got indicted or reprimanded or anything but then again he was a cracker so it was ok I guess.

  15. WHAT?

    [re=638536]Mr Blifil[/re]: “Bah – dah – jing” – come on people, do I have to do all the obvious stuff here.

  16. GreenHalo

    [re=638707]Gorillionaire[/re]: Nurses get no sympathy. Get half a dozen top-sergeant nurses around a lunch table and they’ll talk about the most fucked up shit in the world in between bites of Chinese food. Normal people will eventually puke, especially if they have to overhear OB-Gyn stories. And nurses everywhere share a single battle cry: “What? What’s the big… oh, right, yeah.”

    The difference between morticians and nurses is that morticians don’t TALK about their shit in public bars, or restaurants, or theme parks, and when they do it in private over drinks, they don’t CACKLE and whoop. Actually that’s not true, but that’s why mortician bars exist. (You really can’t imagine, BTW, so don’t try, but Mexican cement bird-bath factories are less morbid and death-metal-esque than funeral bars.)

  17. GreenHalo

    Did the Master grab some chick’s tit? Did the Master grab some chick’s ass? Did the Master invade some chick’s personal space? Or is this one of those bullshit “wide stance in the shitter” busts, id est, a buck Negro showed some chick a picture of two people fucking, and then she broke down crying and ran to the patriarchy for sanctuary and vengeance?

    I’m still trying to figure out what constitutes “probable cause” for bustin’ in on consenting adults under the Confederate butt-sex statute. I mean, Jesus, really. How exactly does that work? Assuming they aren’t doing it in the road, under the assumption that nobody will notice them.

  18. Undeterredbyreality

    According to the AP site, he was “indicted on a felony charge of showing pornography to a South Carolina college student.” So–first line of defense: Was this student actually registered? Full time? Auditing? What if she was from SC but attending college elsewhere? Or–not a native to SC but simply attending school there? Is it only a misdemeanor of the victim is not a student? How do you expect them to learn if somebody doesn’t show them?

  19. GreenHalo

    [re=638945]Undeterredbyreality[/re]: Until I catch a whiff of assault, or God forbid aggravated assault, I’m sticking with “ran to the patriarchy for sanctuary and vengeance.”

    If he slapped her around like Chinatown and then rubbed a late 70s copy of _Oui_ in her face until her virginal tears defaced the centerfold — everyone out of the pool, Dao monk joke is over. Kick him in the junk and kick him to the curb.

    In the meantime, I suggest that Miss Backward B should grow a set of Neuticles. Life gets a lot harsher than unsolicited porno. If I can drink boilermakers with a bunch of semi-hostile dykes in a lesbian bar, Miss Priss can survive a glimpse of a rampant erect cock — in glossy photo reproduction. I mean Christ, grow a pair of ovaries already, or go the fuck home to Daddy and leave the field to the skirmishers. Have you really come a long way, baby?

  20. thefrontpage

    Here’s a professional journalism note:

    None of these news stories that several of us–myself and several friends in journalism, law, politics and other similar professional areas–have seen in the past few days have specifically, clearly, and journalistically explained in a professional manner just how in this case it is a “felony” to show someone some “pornography” on a computer?!?!?!?!

    As far as all of us know–that’s snarky, but we mean it literally–viewing legal pornography on a computer under all the right legal circumstances is legal, and showing someone said stuff–if it is legal and being viewed legally–is also legal, is NOT against the law, is perfectly fine, is NOT an assault or an offense or a literal crime, and is just basically what it says it is–showing someone something that is legal!

    Again, it’s not clear from these poorly-reported and poorly-reported stories just how it’s illegal to show anyone legal pornography on a computer. How is that illegal, and how is that a felony? In arrest and charging cases, the arrest and charging documents must be filed in the court system, and those documents must be public record, by law, so did any of these amateur reporters go to the courthouse, find those files, copy them, and then report them? If not, they need to be getting comments from police officials–not spokesmen, but officials–and from legal experts clearly explaining how showing something legal to someone in a legal manner is somehow a felony.

    Obviously, this case needs more reporting, more research, more real journalism, more digging, more legal analysis, and more analysis, explanation and documentation.

    Until then, the arrest and the charges are highly questionable, and it clears is political corruption, if it is a false arrest and false charges.

    Real investigative journalists need to be digging into this case on all levels.

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