Alvin Greene Finally Indicted On Porn Charge

  beyond the gate of experience flows the Way

Too much desire tears the heart.Many moons ago, as the days grew short and the air thick with the cold of autumn’s decline, Alvin Greene was allegedly witnessing the act of human reproduction. He then turned to a fellow human and showed her this example of how humans come to be. And now a South Carolina grand jury, out of touch with the Dao, has finally indicted Greene for this simple act. Do the people of South Carolina realize that what Alvin Greene had on his computer is the most pivotal experience of our existence?

Take it away, Wikipedia:

Another important concept of “The Joining of the Essences” was that the union of a man and a woman would result in the creation of jing, a type of sexual energy. When in the act of lovemaking, jing would form, and the man could transform some of this jing into qi, and replenish his lifeforce. By having as much sex as possible, men had the opportunity to transform more and more jing, and as a result would see many health benefits.

Stop cramping Alvin Greene’s quest for qi, South Carolina. You have so upset The Way that Alvin Greene’s website is now down. But that has not deterred him from making a second campaign speech, which clocked in at a very Daoist 23 seconds. [AP/Wikipedia]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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