Barack Obama Is Your Mister Darcy

If we learn one thing and one thing only from such classic love stories as Trainspotting, it’s that momma don’t do so well when she ain’t had her “medicine.” And this week, for some fucking reason, stingy and manipulative White House videographer Arun Chaudhary neglected to post his Obama porno show West Wing Week at the usually time of 12:01 AM Friday morning. In fact, it’s still not up as of press time (“press time” being when Joshua Fruhlinger says, “Oh, fuck it” and just cold puts up this column even when it is wildly insane, which is always.) And if you’re a West Wing Week Superfan (which you are) this means the DTs are gonna get ya and get ya good.

On Monday, Barry raised an assload of money in Texas and left all the librul cowgirls with sopping wet panties. This caused a flood like the ones in Pakistan, and now everyone in Texas is dead and we can recolonize it, for Amerikkka.

On Tuesday, Barry won all the primaries and run-offs, including the Republican ones, and also he won everything in November, but in advance. His greatest triumph came when Colorado Democrats voted for incumbent Senator Michael “Lizzy” Bennet, who shall make a very fine, if headstrong, bride for a kindly gentleman one day. Somewhere there is probably a slutty younger Bennet sister doing something embarrassing, but dear Lizzy shall prevail.

On Wednesday, Bammerz signed the Manufacturing Enhancement Act of 2010, which will put a nice big pair of fake titties on the front door of every factory in this great nation. This will make our country more Attractive to Foreign Investors, who are notorious pervs. But more importantly, there will be reductions of tariffs, or something, and shit will get cheaper, maybe, for manufacturers who import stuff to make their junk? Yes, this is what shall occur. Later that night, Obama mysteriously skipped Charlie Rangel’s My Super Sweet 16 Birthday Blowout, because Barack Obama doesn’t care about black people.

On Thursday, Barry’s Iranian friend Valerie Jarrett kicked back and smoked a jay with Elizabeth Warren. Also, David Axelrod was there. Barry stayed away, because he’s shy around girls. Also, he doesn’t care about American Consumers.

And today, Barack signed the Southwest Border Security Bill, which allows Jan Brewer to set every brown person in Arizona on fire, for funz. Haha, not really, it allows her to set them on fire for freedom.

I’m going to crawl into a sadness hole now and rock myself back and forth gently until Arun finally puts up West Wing Week. Have a great weekend, you filthy gutless progressive bedshitters! I’ll be opening for the internationally touring off-Broadway show Puppetry of the Penis here in New York. No, I’m not kidding. And fuck you for doubting me.

Aunt Sara gets weird when she can’t see her “stories” on the teevee ‘puter.