George W. Bush Volunteers For Another Icky Hand Job

  Profiles in Courage

Cotillion taught George Bush not to vomit in this difficult situation.We are fairly certain that George W. Bush is currently touching stuff in Haiti, but new photos have surfaced that suggest maybe he is also still in Texas shaking hands with troops returning from war, via CNN Hologram. Isn’t it special that George Bush is willing to touch other people, even though he hates it so much?

Moments later, George Bush would mummify himself with baby wipes. Above we see our former President trying as hard as he can to smile as he reluctantly shakes hands with this solider lady, who is probably covered from the waist up in Iraqi sewage. It’s a convincing performance, but notice Bush’s other arm, the one that is sewage-free. Is he reaching for the comfort of Laura’s sterile breast? No, this is actually sign language for, “Hand me the Swiffer por favor!” But Laura accidentally left the Swiffer in the car — because she is a terrible wife — and now Mr. Bush will just have to stick it out and try not to barf everywhere.

Bush, being a naturally classy guy, swallowed his vomit like a man. And America salutes him for this, on Facebook:

Facebook says thank you, Mr. Bush.
Yes, this is the kind of selfless heroism John Kennedy’s ghostwriter described in that famous book about courage, America by Heart. [The Corner/Facebook]

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Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

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35 comments

  1. ForTheTurnstiles

    Christ, this asshat? He was at the Rangers game last night, with Pickles. Cliff Lee should have beaned the motherfucker.

  2. Ye Olde Fap-Smith

    It’s great to see that Laura Bush is still continuing her daily exercise regimen. Those Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan, and Thorzine pills don’t just pop themselves you know.

  3. JMP

    Laura’s looking more like the Joker than ever in that top photo.

    “ONE OF THE MOST HONORABLE PRESIDENTS AMERICA EVER HAD”? Really? Maybe if the only other points of comparison were Reagan, Nixon, Harding and Jackson but um, no.

  4. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Yeah, I’m really sick of that trailer trash mucking up our executive branch right now. Who does Obama think he is, with all this talking about health care and Wall Street and foreign policy stuff. And that wife of his telling kids to drop the cheetos and planting gardens in the backyard and taking her kids to school. It’s the White House, not the Jerry Springer show guys. I’ve never been more ashamed to be an American as I am now.

  5. SmutBoffin

    All of those Facebook people have been in a coma for the past 9 years, right? Or something? SOMEONE MAKE THIS MAKE SENSE

  6. TheCoolestGuyInTown

    If you have GWB as one of your “friends” on FaceBook, you might have noticed that posts switch between 1st and 3rd person sometimes.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    Didn’t Dubya famously tell a bunch of soldiers in Afghanistan that he was envious of their being able to fight for our freedom? And doesn’t he have lots (I mean fuckin’ shitloads) of spare time right now? I think we’ve found the answer to John Kerry’s question about how you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake — ask the asshole who made the mistake in the first place. He’d be honored, I’m sure.

  8. FlownOver

    “Hey, there! Welcome back! I tried ta kill yer ass off, but I guess ya beat me! Heh, heh, heh”

  9. jus_wonderin

    [re=637674]FlownOver[/re]: Or, “So, welcome back. How long before your eight deployment?”

  10. JMP

    [re=637659]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: It seems pretty clear that by “classy” these guys mean white.

    [re=637666]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Of course he was envious; remember how when Bushy was young he really wanted to go fight and defend America, but there was no opportunity for him to go do so so he just got stuck with a dull National Guard position.

  11. Extemporanus

    Screw the Swiffer, Riley.

    When it comes to giving the vast, unwhite masses handjobs, George W. Bush is an unapologetic Purell man:

    “Obama!” he said, shaking my hand. “Come here and meet Laura. Laura, you remember Obama. We saw him on TV during election night. Beautiful family. And that wife of yours – that’s one impressive lady.”

    “We both got better than we deserve, Mr. President,” I said, shaking the First Lady’s hand and hoping that I’d wiped any crumbs off my face.

    The president turned to an aide nearby, who squirted a big dollop of hand sanitizer in the president’s hand.

    “Want some?” the president asked. “Good stuff. Keeps you from getting colds.” Not wanting to seem unhygienic, I took a squirt.

    Today, we are all taking a squirt.

  12. actor212

    If you look closely, that’s an optical illusion. He’s actually grabbing Laura’s hand and forcing it into the soldier’s shake.

  13. AutomaticPilot

    How does Laura not know that you should wear a flesh-colored bra underneath a white blouse? Sheesh! Was she raised by wolves?

  14. Cape Clod

    As for the Facebook losers, if they feel half the agony now that I felt when this feckless dope was in charge, then they would be in a great deal of pain

  15. jus_wonderin

    Laura looks like one of those Old Navy mannequins. She needs a bubble over here head that says ” “.

  16. Dashboard_Buddha

    I wonder how many of the returning heroes bailed to either side…if I had just spent 6 months, 12 months, 18 month, fucking FOREVER at Fort Stinking Desert, there would be no way I shake that assclown’s hand.

  17. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=637694]jus_wonderin[/re]: The thought balloon would probably say, “I’m so glad this batch is alive…for now”.

  18. Texan Bulldoggette

    I esp. like how John Barbara ends his FB statement with his name…he’s not quite got the innertubez figured out, does he?

    But, I guess I do miss how W didn’t denigrate the Muslims & tried not to be so apeshit, right-wing retarded crazy as the current crop of Rs now.

  19. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=637749]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Oh, & he also didn’t want to shoot all the Messicans. Wow, the world has tilted when W is the sanest Republican out there.

  20. Scaggsville guy

    [re=637677]JMP[/re]: It seems pretty clear that by “classy” these guys mean white.

    Exactly. I’ve always thought that anyone who even uses the word “classy” is vulgar. Mainly because I thought the USA was supposed to be a classless society. Also because when people say, “mmm, classy,” they’re usually referring to things like two-story foyers and jumbo-size leather furniture.

  21. GOPCrusher

    Where are the pictures of G.W. Bushyt and Pickles with the flag draped coffins as they were unloaded at Dover AFB?

  22. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=637657]JMP[/re]: Don’t smear Nixon like that, dude. He was a class act (and clean as a whistle) by comparison.

  23. Pithaughn

    [re=637800]Scaggsville guy[/re]: A classy person is always wealthy, usually old wealth. They make you feel proud of how well you are taking care of some need they have. Like cleaning the grooves on the face of their $1200 driver. You know they are wealthier, smarter, better educated and damn sure drinking way better gin than you, but they are so classy you don’t care and consider them a friend.

  24. chascates

    Nothing more classy than a spoiled rich guy who sailed through private schools, the Ivy League, got placed in a champagne division to avoid combat and was constantly bailed out by daddy’s friends when every business he touched turned to shit.
    Add an middle-age religious conversion (which Billy Graham didn’t remember although he was credited for it), the political chicanery of Karl Rove, and the amazing stupidity of the American public and you have one of the most patriotic, Jesus-lovin’ Presidents of all time.

    Miss him yet?

  25. user-of-owls

    [re=637926]chascates[/re]: I’d be curious to see if his page has fewer friends than “I Heart Pinochet.”

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