Meet Debbie Riddle, Terror Baby Expert

  Photos inside!

Hey asshole, your name is spelled R-I-D-D-L-E.Texas state house representative Debbie Riddle went on CNN to talk to Anderson Cooper about “ill-iggles” immigrating here unlawfully, and brought up the latest threat to America: the TERROR BABIES. Terror babies are even more terrifying than standard-issue anchor babies, because their foreigner moms come here to America specifically to birth them, haul them back to whatever country, and raise them to become terrists. Then the babies come back here as terror-adults and ruin things. Who is Debbie Riddle, and how did she come to know all about this evil infant scourge?

As for the latter question, Riddle wouldn’t share the names of her sources — supposedly former FBI agents — to the skeptical Anderson Cooper, whose rumored sexual preferences prevent him from properly understanding certain American truths. But as to the former question, here’s what we know:

  • Riddle once served as a Cub Scout den mother and breeds horses, so she knows all about babies (and terror baby-horses).
  • Her bio also describes her as “one of the most quoted elected officials in the state.”
  • Before terror babies, Riddle’s most unforgettable revelation was that free education “comes from Moscow. From Russia. Straight out of the pit of hell.” Well, can YOU prove otherwise?
  • She supports the Texas legislature’s policy of letting representatives cast votes on behalf of colleagues who are “out fishing” or “out rolling around in a bathtub full of tomatillo sauce, in their underpants.” (In this Paultard Films production, she explains: “We have a lot of votes … we don’t have bathroom breaks.”)
  • She believes in color-blind criminal justice policies that don’t discriminate against purple and green people.
  • “If you’re stuck in jail for a crime you didn’t commit, well I don’t fucking care, no I don’t give a shit” — Debbie Riddle rap lyric
  • She lurves Arizona’s SB 1070/”jail the browns” law and has proposed similar legislation to protect Texas and its pore-border.
  • But most importantly, she’s very photogenic! Here is Riddle wearing one of those godawful Lone Star shirts while posing before two “former FBI agents,” named Special Agent Alamo and Special Agent Sam Houston:

lone star!

Here she is dressed up as her alterego DJ Debs, downloading some fresh hip-hop tunes off the ‘puter during one of those rare moments of relaxation:

Little Debbie

“Yes, well the secret is to barbeque the brisket first, then stuff it with the deep-fried Snickers bars”:

high five, more dead than alive

Riddle purchased every embroidered jacket in Tomball, her place of residence, to protect her fellow towns-ladies from making such fashion faux pas. She cares:

saddle-sore

Well, that’s enough on America’s most smartest national security adviser! Be on the lookout for the terror babies — they’ll be coming to get us, in about two decades or whatever, maybe. Miami Herald/Debbie Riddle’s website/YouTube/Austin Chronicle/ABCNews.com]

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About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

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