Photos inside!

Meet Debbie Riddle, Terror Baby Expert

Hey asshole, your name is spelled R-I-D-D-L-E.Texas state house representative Debbie Riddle went on CNN to talk to Anderson Cooper about “ill-iggles” immigrating here unlawfully, and brought up the latest threat to America: the TERROR BABIES. Terror babies are even more terrifying than standard-issue anchor babies, because their foreigner moms come here to America specifically to birth them, haul them back to whatever country, and raise them to become terrists. Then the babies come back here as terror-adults and ruin things. Who is Debbie Riddle, and how did she come to know all about this evil infant scourge?

As for the latter question, Riddle wouldn’t share the names of her sources — supposedly former FBI agents — to the skeptical Anderson Cooper, whose rumored sexual preferences prevent him from properly understanding certain American truths. But as to the former question, here’s what we know:

  • Riddle once served as a Cub Scout den mother and breeds horses, so she knows all about babies (and terror baby-horses).
  • Her bio also describes her as “one of the most quoted elected officials in the state.”
  • Before terror babies, Riddle’s most unforgettable revelation was that free education “comes from Moscow. From Russia. Straight out of the pit of hell.” Well, can YOU prove otherwise?
  • She supports the Texas legislature’s policy of letting representatives cast votes on behalf of colleagues who are “out fishing” or “out rolling around in a bathtub full of tomatillo sauce, in their underpants.” (In this Paultard Films production, she explains: “We have a lot of votes … we don’t have bathroom breaks.”)
  • She believes in color-blind criminal justice policies that don’t discriminate against purple and green people.
  • “If you’re stuck in jail for a crime you didn’t commit, well I don’t fucking care, no I don’t give a shit” — Debbie Riddle rap lyric
  • She lurves Arizona’s SB 1070/”jail the browns” law and has proposed similar legislation to protect Texas and its pore-border.
  • But most importantly, she’s very photogenic! Here is Riddle wearing one of those godawful Lone Star shirts while posing before two “former FBI agents,” named Special Agent Alamo and Special Agent Sam Houston:

lone star!

Here she is dressed up as her alterego DJ Debs, downloading some fresh hip-hop tunes off the ‘puter during one of those rare moments of relaxation:

Little Debbie

“Yes, well the secret is to barbeque the brisket first, then stuff it with the deep-fried Snickers bars”:

high five, more dead than alive

Riddle purchased every embroidered jacket in Tomball, her place of residence, to protect her fellow towns-ladies from making such fashion faux pas. She cares:

saddle-sore

Well, that’s enough on America’s most smartest national security adviser! Be on the lookout for the terror babies — they’ll be coming to get us, in about two decades or whatever, maybe. Miami Herald/Debbie Riddle’s website/YouTube/Austin Chronicle/ABCNews.com]

About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple
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101 comments

  1. Neilist

    DAMN YOU, “Lauri Apple.” You waste my time with a post that long, and you fail to include ANYTHING about her GUN COLLECTION?

    [And I bet she's got a BEAUT.]

  2. madtowngooner

    Just when you think Wonkette can’t uncover the brain farts of even more retarded assholes than Michelle (Bachmann+Malkin) or Sarah Palin or Steve King, they go ahead and unearth this Tex-ass sized twatard. Thanks Wonkette, my warmth for my fellow Murkans has dropped close to absolute zero, which for this hot fucking day feels pretty good.

  3. SpenceRedux

    The muttonchops on that dude in the last pix is the only rad thing about the entire state of Texas. Well, and Townes Van Zandt.

  4. Dashboard_Buddha

    That lonestar shirt makes her look like she had a rib removed for FREEDOM from fatness.

  5. user-of-owls

    Somewhere, a couple of “supposedly former FBI agents” with a radio show in Quebec are giddy about their best bit since “Sarkozy” called Sarah Palin.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    I never thought Agents Scully, Mulder or Skinner were teabaggers, but I guess I was wrong.

    Otherwise she’s just another crazy eyed dipshit from Tejas.

  7. Cape Clod

    The first photo is so badly airbrushed it looks like an entirely different face was photoshopped onto the head.

  8. 13ollocks To The Rules

    Also, the fuckwit who labeled her up with duck tape can’t spell her name, and it looks like they kitted her out with a too-small helmet.
    Seems to me like they’re not takin’ Demolition Debbie seriously.
    Does it to you?

  9. SayItWithWookies

    I like how the Lone Star shirt has a little Texas sillhouette (with the flag pattern again!) over where the breast pocket would be. It’s reminiscent of those children’s Halloween costumes of superheroes — like where you get the Batman mask and then the blouse isn’t the rest of the Batman costume but instead is an action pic of Batman in full regalia just in case you’ve forgotten who you dressed up as. Texas should have its name in its motto, just for that effect: “Texas — we don’t just let in the smart ones. Texas.”

  10. slappypaddy

    finally the truth of the terror-babies is coming out. they look cute, but their diapers are packed with meconium, guaranteed to overcome any caregiver.

  11. user-of-owls

    Rep. Debbie bravely makes the case that our national security depends on a vigorous promotion of gay marriage overseas.

  12. SmutBoffin

    What would be really amusing is if this next generation of Terra Babbys is intelligent, fit, and motivated in contrast to the rest of their generation.

  13. Tim

    Who’s the tea tard in the background of the last pic, sporting a waist length black leather jacket and red shirt (syndicalist colours), mutton chops and – what the fuck is that? A Felix the cat tie? Can anyone tell?

  14. Ducksworthy

    [re=637550]user-of-owls[/re]: That Rep. Debbie Riddle R-Tomball to you sir. The title kind of says it all.

  15. Beowoof

    She is going to have to go a long way to come up with more crazy quotes than Michelle Bachman. Although, she does seem to be off to a nice start.

  16. Rosie Scenario

    Stephen Colbert had the perfect report on “anchor babies” and how the mother’s just squirt them over the border. Must viewing. The best response to these GOP loons is laughter.

  17. Hooray For Anything

    She’s probably a little sensitive about terror babies and all being she’s the mother of Tom Riddle.

    (here’s hoping there’s someone as dorky as I am who’d get the reference)

  18. weejee

    Lauri, please look at the position of Special Agent Alamo’s tail. Thank you for bring our Wonkette its daily ration of poo.

  19. Baldar T Flagass

    It’s like Village of the Damned, only with different hair and skin color. See also “Midwich Cuckoos.” Or in this instance, “Tomball Cuckoo.”

  20. JMP

    “Riddle’s most unforgettable revelation was that free education “comes from Moscow. From Russia. Straight out of the pit of hell.” Well, can YOU prove otherwise?”

    Funny, it just took a little time with google to find the answer. And the idea of free public education comes from – Aristotle, in the Politics. http://www.gutenberg.org/files/6762/6762-h/6762-h.htm#2H_4_0107

    And in modern times, universal public education was first proposed by Thomas Jefferson. Communist!

  21. BobTheBuilder

    The “Terrible Twos”? That’s pre-9/11 thinking. Now it’s the “Terrorist Twos.”

  22. K.C.

    Well, “terror-anchor baby” completely explains Michele Malkin, doesn’t it?

    The Ballad of Harpy Ferry; or, Black Like Me?

    When Miss Malkin looks in the mirror,
    It must seem so awfully queer.
    “Why am I so brown?
    Is that why I frown?
    It’s MYSELF that I have to fear?”

  23. Extemporanus

    [re=637538]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: She’s all fupa, no cattle.

    [re=637547]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “Riddle me this, Texan.”

  24. FlownOver

    It took me a minute to ID the last pic. Finally – the corpse of Sandy Duncan has been found and reanimated!

    What? She’s not? Are you sure?

  25. gurukalehuru

    [re=637565]Beowoof[/re]: [re=637567]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Beat me to it.

    Also, worst flak jacket and helmet photo since Mike Dukakis.

  26. Prommie

    Do the terror babies have bees in their mouths, and do they shoot bees at you when they shout “allah akbar?” Because that would be really scary, if they could shoot bees at you that would sting you.

  27. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=637547]SayItWithWookies[/re]: And you can’t see it in the photo, but within the white field of the little breast patch, there is yet ANOTHER silhouette of Texas, and on and on, like them Russian nested dolls.

  28. 13ollocks To The Rules

    Stop, Or My Mom Will Jail Your Brown Ass Deport Your Brown Ass Beat Your Brown Ass To Death With My Humongous Belt Buckle Shoot!

  29. Sgt. Biyatch

    But my kids love the Ill-iggles. Especially that song about mashed plantanos and the papas caliente.

  30. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=637601]Prommie[/re]: Especially if those bees were equipped with Stingers provided by the CIA and Charlie Wilson.

  31. Hooray For Anything

    [re=637574]JMP[/re]: Yeah, but you know what those ancient Greek’s were into. It goes without saying that if public education isn’t some communist plot to take over the youth of America, then it’s a plot by the Gay Agenda to force all of our kids to listen to Lady Gaga and watch Glee.

  32. EdFlinstone

    Really Texas? This is the kinda of shit you fall for and vote into office? She looks like a SNL skit of teabagger, but no, she’s real.

  33. Sharkey

    Debbie “is married to attorney Mike Riddle of the law firm Riddle, Butts, and Akiens, LLP.”

    Specializing in personal injury involving saddle-sores. And immigration law.

  34. Prommie

    [re=637546]13ollocks To The Rules[/re]: Well, the only reason we label our brave troops fightin’ to defend our precious constitutions and liberty is so we identify their burnt corpses, and that duct tape isn’t going to make it through the fire if that plane or bus or parade stand crashes, so its like the old saying, “if its not worth doing, then its not worth doing right.”

  35. mumblyjoe

    You know, the insanity of the terror babies thing makes a lot of sense, when you realize that it must come from birthers. Seriously, a generation-long terrist Xanatos gambit that presumes an identical political climate to the one we have today (or, in the case of Birtherism classic, assuming the inevitability of a dramatic shift in political climate that would render it politically feasible to elect a black man) as well as assuming that parents basically have complete mind control powers over their children? Sounds like basically the same exact logical errors to me, at least.

    Does it to you?

  36. One Yield Regular

    “What have you done to his eyes?! What have you done to his eyes, you maniacs!?!!”

    “He has his father’s eyes.”

  37. JMP

    I’ll have to say, this is a really plausible insidious long-term plot by the pregnant lady terrorists; something that only a mind as twisted and convoluted as the Riddler’s could comprehend. The kids will be ready to use their American citizenship to attack us in a mere 18 years. And of course, there’s no chance they’d rebel and not want to be a terrorist, or just recoil from the certainty of death or imprisonment.

    [re=637612]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Oh yeah, that horrible gay agenda. Why, the homosexuals are even forcing some of our schools to teach children that it’s wrong to beat up other kids just because they’re gay, how horrible!

  38. Bearbloke

    [re=637627]mumblyjoe[/re]: Now just what sort of terrifying, all-encompassing, nation-destroying series of calamities could possibly render it politically feasible to elect a black man Prezit Of America?!?

    Don’t be silly, ya silly bastard…

  39. BlueStateLiberal

    Let them make as many terror babies as they want. Once they hit adolescence, they’ll just beoome spoiled, lazy, tattoo-sporting, fat, and pregnant like every other American teenager, eager to disobey their terrorist parents in any way possible.

  40. user-of-owls

    There are only two solutions to the menace of terror babies:

    1) Gay Marriage
    2) Abortion

    Where ya goin’ with that, Debs?

  41. Terry

    Tomball, Texas, bless her heart. It’s one of those enclave-y parts of the Houston area where good Christian folks do their best to avoid the brown skin people who live in other parts of the area. Well, except for the lady who cleans the house and those fellas who work for the landscaper.

  42. McDuff

    [re=637574]JMP[/re]: Yep, those crazy commie Founding Fathers, having read Aristotle, even set aside PUBLIC LAND, which, when sold, would be used to support free public education.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Land_Ordinance_of_1785

    The ordinance was also significant for establishing a mechanism for funding public education. Section 16 in each township was reserved for the maintenance of public schools. Many schools today are still located in section sixteen of their respective townships, although a great many of the school sections were sold to raise money for public education. Later Section 36 of each township was also designated as a “school section.”

  43. Baldar T Flagass

    [re=637641]mumblyjoe[/re]: So, GW was a Connecticut anchor-terror-baby spawned from the hideous womb of Babs Bush in Texas, right?

  44. marionetta

    Breeds horses? Might that explain the teeth (that look like they’re gonna fly outa her mouth in a heartbeat)?

  45. McDuff

    Had a college roommate from Huffsmith, a not-even-on-the-map one-street vill outside of Tomball. Once helped him pull the body of a dead cow into the woods behind their pasture. Good times, good smelly times.

  46. Hooray For Anything

    [re=637633]JMP[/re]: I know, how are they sure those 18 year olds will still be down for Jihad after leaving here for all that time? It’s impossible for a parent to get their 18 year old kid to clean their room let alone get off Facebook for a few minutes and go strap a bomb on to blow something up.

  47. Mavky

    [re=637601]Prommie[/re]: [re=637628]One Yield Regular[/re]: Homer: Don’t you know the boys from Brazil are little Hitlers?

  48. Crazybroad

    [re=637536]madtowngooner[/re]: Hey, you leave Steve King out of this! Carrie and The Shining were really good!

  49. Extemporanus

    [re=637617]Sharkey[/re]: That is unbelievably hilarious.

    [re=637636]jus_wonderin[/re]: Mwahhh hahaha!

  50. pdiddycornchips

    Texas used to be part of Mexico until that white fool in the coonskin hat got his shit handed to him at the Alamo. I’d trade Texas for Haiti right now straight up. Haitians may practice Santeria and believe in Zombies but they are far less insane than this bitch and the sunbaked doofuses who vote for her.

  51. desertwind

    This the natural progression of the “Obama was born & bred to bring Kenyan sharia to our country”

  52. Libbygirl

    [re=637547]SayItWithWookies[/re]: HA HA HA HA
    Good gawd, can we let them secede now? I mean, I’d love to keep Austin, but the rest of it…

    WTF happened? Ann Richards was their Governor at one time! Did W and Bush evil empire pipe stupid into the water?

  53. Libbygirl

    [re=637567]Hooray For Anything[/re]: and BeoWulf:

    I do…that would explain her special brand of crazy, wouldn’t it?

  54. Libbygirl

    [re=637567]Hooray For Anything[/re]: and BeoWulf:

    I do…that would explain her special brand of crazy, wouldn’t it?[re=637601]Prommie[/re]:

  55. Libbygirl

    [re=637601]Prommie[/re]: I normally don’t care for babies all that much. But that kind of baby would be useful.

  56. DemmeFatale

    [re=637678]Hooray For Anything[/re]: And the texting…OMG, the texting!
    (They don’t even want to actually speak anymore!)

  57. Hooray For Anything

    [re=637746]DemmeFatale[/re]: Yeah, it can’t be easy setting up and then pushing the detonator of a bomb while texting at the same time. And if you were going to do the suicide bomber thing, how are you going to pay attention to where you’re supposed to go and blow yourself up if you’re doing three conversations at once and also checking Facebook on your iPhone?

  58. mustardman

    Jesus titty fucking christ. What the hell is that black ‘formal’ cowgirl outfit she is wearing? Yikes!

  59. momus

    Thank goodness Texas doesn’t have a law like this:

    UNITED STATES CODE
    TITLE 36
    CHAPTER 10

    Paragraph 176. Respect for flag

    (d) The flag should never be used as wearing apparel…

    States rights in action.

  60. just pixels

    [re=637538]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I prefer to think of Texas as “The One Star State”, kinda like the “Showgirls” of states.

  61. just pixels

    The terror baby plan is breathtaking in its simplicity. The sneaking into the country, the pregnancy and birth, the indoctrination, then return back twenty years later to destroy America as a legal citizen. It occurs to me that if the mother could sneak in to “drop the baby” as the oldsters say, she could combine her errands and also destroy America while she’s here. But why tamper with perfection.

    Anyway, our counter-plot in twenty years is for President Jose Gomez to press the “launch” button to nuke mexiranistan from space. Then have a nice turkey panini on sourdough bread with fresh greens on the side.

  62. elcid66

    This chick, Angle in Nevada, Brewer in Arizona – what’s with the army of boozy-old- broads-against-immigrants? Is there no other way they can get attention anymore? (long silence, crickets chirping, distant siren)

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