burn yer queeran

Akbars, Innuendos, and Mosque-Stoppin’ Good Times

Only $19.95 at WalmartsWelcome to this week’s edition of Burn Yer Queeran, where we round up the headlines about America’s ongoing and deserved war against those pesky Allah fanboys and fangirls. To enhance your reading experience, print out and hold onto a copy of this photo of a Christ Palin shrine sent in by anonymous tipster “Paula Abdulaziz,” put on your earphones, and tune in to 9-11 FM. OK, here we go!

  • The American Family Association wingnut crew doesn’t want any more mosques built in these Christian United States ever again, because “each Islamic mosque is dedicated to the overthrow of the American government.” The AFA also wants to take away the muslins’ First Amendment freedoms and prohibit them from using coupons at the supermarket, because they are funded with boatloads of Saudi money and therefore should pay the full retail price.
  • Newsweek’s running a “Mosques in America” photo gallery with all kinds of new pictures of obese white people wearing American flag shirts and holding “Islam is crap” and “Barack Akbar” placards. The slide show is part of a package that comes with Fareed Zakaria’s essay “No More Awards for Me, I’m Full,” and an article about a new reality show starring the Taliban.
  • Christian Post guest columnist and former Nixon pal Chuck Colson says that building the Ground Zero mosque “would be like the Japanese building a Shinto shrine at Pearl Harbor!” Except the Japanese would never do that now, because they aren’t jerks anymore.
  • The Anti-Islamic bus is coming to your town! Unless it’s not, but you can request one.
  • Did you hear that professional Gregalogue author Greg Gutfeld went on the Glenn Beck Variety Show and announced his plan to build a Muselman-friendly gay bar named “Suspicious Packages” next to the Lower Manhattan mega-mosque? OK, now you have.
  • Speaking of the Ground Zero mosque, did your inbox intercept the e-announcement about the upcoming Ground Zero mega-mosque? It looks like this:
    why are there scare quotes around ground zero?

See you there, Akbar Husssein El-Ramadamadingdongs. [American Family Association/Newsweek/Christian Post/Christian Science Monitor/The Daily Gut]

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About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple

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6 comments

  1. CrunchyKnee

    USA SOUL COUNTRY JESUS SAVES BRONCOS DENVER GO USA SARAH- PALIN 2012 JESUS SAVES. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Bravo, also too.

  2. Gorillionaire

    The other side of that shrine recommends to Rush that he read these two awesome books by Ayn Rand sometime, because history just keeps repeating itself, Salinsky tactics and Karl “Carl” Marx and the contemplative mind, or something.

  3. Clancy_Pants

    WTF? A Denver Broncos/Go USA love sandwich? Jesus and Palin are the bread, Go USA is the meat, and the Broncos are the Chipotle mayonnaise ?

  4. SayItWithWookies

    It’s so charming when religious bigots fight each other over symbolism. But I have a great way of solving this Mosque (i.e. community center) at (i.e. some distance from) the WTC site: both sides should write an essay explaining their stance and how it squares with American values, especially those elucidated in the Constitution. The loser gets deported. And there might not necessarily be a winner.

  5. Serolf Divad

    Building a mosque near the hallowed ground of 9/11 would be like building a Catholic church near a playground, or erecting a Bible college near an actual accredited institution of higher learning.

  6. GOPCrusher

    Jesus saves the Denver Broncos?
    Obviously has never seen Kyle Orton throw a football. Or maybe it’s because Jesus’s brother, Tim Tebow got drafted by them?

  7. tencentcomic

    Muslins and Messikins. We’re under seige on all fronts. Next the Blacks and the French will join the attack. Thank goodness I bought that book on hiding my gunz. Right now, I’m trying to drill a hole through my gun locker for an Internet connection–so I can communicate with some of them thar white folks who haz all de ammunition and flags necessary for our defense.

  8. mumblyjoe

    Honestly, we should be fair about this and realize that it totally makes sense for an organization calls itself the “American Family Association” would be vehemently opposed to muslims having a place to worship. After all, there are no muslim families, because Islam is fundamentally inimical to marriage and families. This is a known fact, and totally why the AFA is butting in, and not simply that the AFA promotes a crypto-fascist theocratic agenda that it tries to disguise as “family values”, or anything like that.

  9. JMP

    Jesus saves the Broncos, Denver? Guess he’s trying to keep the city’s hopes up.

    It is refreshing to see the AFA bigots finally come out and admit that they hate the Constitution.

    Someone should tell a certain convicted criminal that there actually is a Shinto shrine near Pearl Harbor, and it hasn’t destroyed America.

    And as with Riley, I pity Lauri for having to read through all that batshit insanity for our entertainment.

  10. comicbookguy

    Didn’t Professor Limbaugh publish his dissertation on this topic? Yeah, when he got his PhD in Patriotism from Beck U.

    The farmer with the pig races is hilarious, btw. He thought the superstitious heathens would be frightened at the sight of him chasing pigs around a pen. “But Muslim leaders said they were more perplexed than offended–they weren’t disgusted by the pigs, but simply don’t eat them…”

  11. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=636857]Clancy_Pants[/re]: Chipotle mayo? Please. The Broncos are pure Baconnaise.

  12. Hooray For Anything

    I thought all this anti-Muslim bigotry would decrease now that we elected one as President.

  13. slappypaddy

    “Each Islamic mosque is dedicated to the overthrow of the American government.” — American Family “Wingnut Crew” Association

    “Whoever of you does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.” — Jesus “Mr. Christian” Christ

    compare and contrast. it will be on the test.

  14. Ducksworthy

    And now I find out that Mullah Omar is actually the Pakistani ISI. I should have guessed that from the fake beard.

  15. Chernobyl Soup

    [re=636899]slappypaddy[/re]: JC should have said “refudiate” instead of “renounce.” There’d be a lot more disciples.

  16. Monsieur Grumpe

    Now that’s what I call art!
    Or maybe it’s a shrine to somebody’s pet hamster that got run over nearby.

  17. WhatTheHeck

    The guy who pieced this thing together must have been a little high at the time, say, a mile high. After a couple of hits of his big-ass doobie, he saw Jesus and Sarah Palin take the oath of office to save us.
    Well that’s how I interpreted this sign from the lord.

  18. BlueStateLiberal

    [re=636917]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Yes it is art in its way, and would probably fetch a handsome sum in some elite librul New York gallery.

  19. Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=636924]WadISay[/re]:
    It looks a little too classy for her tombstone. Maybe something with a black velvet background and clowns with big sad eyes?

  20. Extemporanus

    [re=636875]Suds McKenzie[/re]: As a CNN reporter might say, “TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!”

    I’d wanted to go long with an Elway shrine play, but all I could remember about the dude was that he was a Gary Busey-impersonator with exceptionally large teeth and a bucket-shaped head.

  21. Jukesgrrl

    [re=636888]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: When Tebow wins them a Super Bowl, will they change from Baconnaise to Miracle Whip?

  22. just pixels

    We have our own Taliban now, enforcing religious purity. And, in case anyone is wondering, our Taliban can kick Afghanistan’s Taliban’s ass. Seriously, their Taliban has an actual donkey.

    But we’ve seen this kind of religious intolerance before. Where politicians foment fear and (eventually) violence against a group of people because of their religious beliefs. Accusations of crimes, indecency, degradation of culture, disloyalty leading to riots, death, destruction. That’s right, I’m talking about the anti-Catholic Know Nothings in the early 19th century America.

  23. Wisco

    A mosque at Ground Zero insults the dignity of the location of a great American tragedy.

    A gay bar named “Suspicious Packages” at Ground Zero, however…

  24. i dont trust the new guy

    “usa soul country jesus saves broncos denver go usa sarah palin 2012″

    well at least we know what play josh mcdaniels will call out anytime tim tebow’s on the field.

  25. Beanball

    I heard there’s a mosque in the White House basement. It was converted from that Pope-worshiping JFK’s old Catholic chapel.

  26. Toomush Infermashun

    I object – The Denver Bronco’s are NOT Jesus’ team – everyone knows Jayzu has a thing for Brett Favre…

  27. jus_wonderin

    [re=636998]Wisco[/re]:
    A gay bar named “Suspicious Packages” at Ground Zero, however…

    LOL. This does bring up a valid point. So, are the objectors going to be able to monitor the tenant list of the future (wtc location) tower? Can they raise a flap everytime a tenant they don’t approve of makes application? You heard it here first.

  28. AxmxZ

    [re=636870]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Hey, remember two years ago, when it seemed like all those people melted into foul air? Yeah, there’s still here. And for the first time since pretty much ever, they truly feel threatened.

  29. kenlayisalive_dot_org

    Dashboard_Buddha: Still is a pretty cool country, but in a really freaky, poorly-maintained roller coaster kind of way.

  30. PrimlyStable

    [re=636870]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: There was a window of about one year from November 2008 when the world stopped pointing at America and laughing and decided that actually it was a pretty cool country again. Now it’s all teabags and mosques and such. Oh and Sarah Palin being considered a serious politician, that really cracks the Europeans up.

  31. Long Form Def Certificate

    The only mosque I know in my area — I think there are a coupla others, maybe — is spitting distance from the municipal airport. & it’s been there since at least the early 90s. I can only imagine what hell they’ve been thru since 9/11, though. Cops prolly visit twice a week, FBI has tapped the phones, the children of the Pollacks with pitchforks who barricaded the 27th Street Bridge in the 60s deface the building with all manner of graffiti.

  32. Baldar T Flagass

    “USA Soul Country”?
    Shouldn’t that be a picture of James Brown instead of Jesus?

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