BURN YER QUEERAN  3:48 pm August 11, 2010

Akbars, Innuendos, and Mosque-Stoppin’ Good Times

by Lauri Apple

Only $19.95 at WalmartsWelcome to this week’s edition of Burn Yer Queeran, where we round up the headlines about America’s ongoing and deserved war against those pesky Allah fanboys and fangirls. To enhance your reading experience, print out and hold onto a copy of this photo of a Christ Palin shrine sent in by anonymous tipster “Paula Abdulaziz,” put on your earphones, and tune in to 9-11 FM. OK, here we go!

  • The American Family Association wingnut crew doesn’t want any more mosques built in these Christian United States ever again, because “each Islamic mosque is dedicated to the overthrow of the American government.” The AFA also wants to take away the muslins’ First Amendment freedoms and prohibit them from using coupons at the supermarket, because they are funded with boatloads of Saudi money and therefore should pay the full retail price.
  • Newsweek’s running a “Mosques in America” photo gallery with all kinds of new pictures of obese white people wearing American flag shirts and holding “Islam is crap” and “Barack Akbar” placards. The slide show is part of a package that comes with Fareed Zakaria’s essay “No More Awards for Me, I’m Full,” and an article about a new reality show starring the Taliban.
  • Christian Post guest columnist and former Nixon pal Chuck Colson says that building the Ground Zero mosque “would be like the Japanese building a Shinto shrine at Pearl Harbor!” Except the Japanese would never do that now, because they aren’t jerks anymore.
  • The Anti-Islamic bus is coming to your town! Unless it’s not, but you can request one.
  • Did you hear that professional Gregalogue author Greg Gutfeld went on the Glenn Beck Variety Show and announced his plan to build a Muselman-friendly gay bar named “Suspicious Packages” next to the Lower Manhattan mega-mosque? OK, now you have.
  • Speaking of the Ground Zero mosque, did your inbox intercept the e-announcement about the upcoming Ground Zero mega-mosque? It looks like this:
    why are there scare quotes around ground zero?

See you there, Akbar Husssein El-Ramadamadingdongs. [American Family Association/Newsweek/Christian Post/Christian Science Monitor/The Daily Gut]

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CrunchyKnee August 11, 2010 at 3:56 pm

USA SOUL COUNTRY JESUS SAVES BRONCOS DENVER GO USA SARAH- PALIN 2012 JESUS SAVES. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Bravo, also too.

Gorillionaire August 11, 2010 at 3:57 pm

The other side of that shrine recommends to Rush that he read these two awesome books by Ayn Rand sometime, because history just keeps repeating itself, Salinsky tactics and Karl “Carl” Marx and the contemplative mind, or something.

Clancy_Pants August 11, 2010 at 3:58 pm

WTF? A Denver Broncos/Go USA love sandwich? Jesus and Palin are the bread, Go USA is the meat, and the Broncos are the Chipotle mayonnaise ?

samsuncle August 11, 2010 at 4:00 pm

American exceptionalism?

SayItWithWookies August 11, 2010 at 4:00 pm

It’s so charming when religious bigots fight each other over symbolism. But I have a great way of solving this Mosque (i.e. community center) at (i.e. some distance from) the WTC site: both sides should write an essay explaining their stance and how it squares with American values, especially those elucidated in the Constitution. The loser gets deported. And there might not necessarily be a winner.

Sgt. Biyatch August 11, 2010 at 4:02 pm

Don’t go to the rally. It’s a trap!

Serolf Divad August 11, 2010 at 4:03 pm

Building a mosque near the hallowed ground of 9/11 would be like building a Catholic church near a playground, or erecting a Bible college near an actual accredited institution of higher learning.

Extemporanus August 11, 2010 at 4:04 pm

Anonymous tipster “Paula Abdulaziz” is a cold-hearted sheikh.

GOPCrusher August 11, 2010 at 4:05 pm

Jesus saves the Denver Broncos?
Obviously has never seen Kyle Orton throw a football. Or maybe it’s because Jesus’s brother, Tim Tebow got drafted by them?

Dashboard_Buddha August 11, 2010 at 4:05 pm

This used to be a pretty cool country.

tencentcomic August 11, 2010 at 4:07 pm

Muslins and Messikins. We’re under seige on all fronts. Next the Blacks and the French will join the attack. Thank goodness I bought that book on hiding my gunz. Right now, I’m trying to drill a hole through my gun locker for an Internet connection–so I can communicate with some of them thar white folks who haz all de ammunition and flags necessary for our defense.

Suds McKenzie August 11, 2010 at 4:08 pm

That’s the hood ornament from John Elway’s car.

mumblyjoe August 11, 2010 at 4:12 pm

Honestly, we should be fair about this and realize that it totally makes sense for an organization calls itself the “American Family Association” would be vehemently opposed to muslims having a place to worship. After all, there are no muslim families, because Islam is fundamentally inimical to marriage and families. This is a known fact, and totally why the AFA is butting in, and not simply that the AFA promotes a crypto-fascist theocratic agenda that it tries to disguise as “family values”, or anything like that.

JMP August 11, 2010 at 4:13 pm

Jesus saves the Broncos, Denver? Guess he’s trying to keep the city’s hopes up.

It is refreshing to see the AFA bigots finally come out and admit that they hate the Constitution.

Someone should tell a certain convicted criminal that there actually is a Shinto shrine near Pearl Harbor, and it hasn’t destroyed America.

And as with Riley, I pity Lauri for having to read through all that batshit insanity for our entertainment.

comicbookguy August 11, 2010 at 4:14 pm

Didn’t Professor Limbaugh publish his dissertation on this topic? Yeah, when he got his PhD in Patriotism from Beck U.

The farmer with the pig races is hilarious, btw. He thought the superstitious heathens would be frightened at the sight of him chasing pigs around a pen. “But Muslim leaders said they were more perplexed than offended–they weren’t disgusted by the pigs, but simply don’t eat them…”

CrunchyKnee August 11, 2010 at 4:16 pm

[re=636875]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Pro level mock. I LOLd.

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 11, 2010 at 4:16 pm

[re=636857]Clancy_Pants[/re]: Chipotle mayo? Please. The Broncos are pure Baconnaise.

GOPCrusher August 11, 2010 at 4:17 pm

Someone get a hold of Dr. Emmett Brown, I think America has traveled back in time to 1950.

metalhed August 11, 2010 at 4:17 pm

How do I become a Muslim again?

Hooray For Anything August 11, 2010 at 4:20 pm

I thought all this anti-Muslim bigotry would decrease now that we elected one as President.

slappypaddy August 11, 2010 at 4:22 pm

“Each Islamic mosque is dedicated to the overthrow of the American government.” — American Family “Wingnut Crew” Association

“Whoever of you does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.” — Jesus “Mr. Christian” Christ

compare and contrast. it will be on the test.

Ducksworthy August 11, 2010 at 4:24 pm

And now I find out that Mullah Omar is actually the Pakistani ISI. I should have guessed that from the fake beard.

edgydrifter August 11, 2010 at 4:24 pm

[re=636875]Suds McKenzie[/re]: A bushel of whore diamonds to you!

Chernobyl Soup August 11, 2010 at 4:29 pm

[re=636899]slappypaddy[/re]: JC should have said “refudiate” instead of “renounce.” There’d be a lot more disciples.

Monsieur Grumpe August 11, 2010 at 4:31 pm

Now that’s what I call art!
Or maybe it’s a shrine to somebody’s pet hamster that got run over nearby.

WhatTheHeck August 11, 2010 at 4:33 pm

The guy who pieced this thing together must have been a little high at the time, say, a mile high. After a couple of hits of his big-ass doobie, he saw Jesus and Sarah Palin take the oath of office to save us.
Well that’s how I interpreted this sign from the lord.

WadISay August 11, 2010 at 4:34 pm

[re=636875]Suds McKenzie[/re]: It looks like the grave of Sarah Palin.

BlueStateLiberal August 11, 2010 at 4:36 pm

[re=636917]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Yes it is art in its way, and would probably fetch a handsome sum in some elite librul New York gallery.

Monsieur Grumpe August 11, 2010 at 4:50 pm

It looks a little too classy for her tombstone. Maybe something with a black velvet background and clowns with big sad eyes?

Extemporanus August 11, 2010 at 5:00 pm

[re=636875]Suds McKenzie[/re]: As a CNN reporter might say, “TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!”

I’d wanted to go long with an Elway shrine play, but all I could remember about the dude was that he was a Gary Busey-impersonator with exceptionally large teeth and a bucket-shaped head.

Jukesgrrl August 11, 2010 at 5:29 pm

[re=636888]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: When Tebow wins them a Super Bowl, will they change from Baconnaise to Miracle Whip?

just pixels August 11, 2010 at 5:31 pm

We have our own Taliban now, enforcing religious purity. And, in case anyone is wondering, our Taliban can kick Afghanistan’s Taliban’s ass. Seriously, their Taliban has an actual donkey.

But we’ve seen this kind of religious intolerance before. Where politicians foment fear and (eventually) violence against a group of people because of their religious beliefs. Accusations of crimes, indecency, degradation of culture, disloyalty leading to riots, death, destruction. That’s right, I’m talking about the anti-Catholic Know Nothings in the early 19th century America.

rocktonsammy August 11, 2010 at 5:32 pm

needs moar blingee.

Wisco August 11, 2010 at 5:42 pm

A mosque at Ground Zero insults the dignity of the location of a great American tragedy.

A gay bar named “Suspicious Packages” at Ground Zero, however…

i dont trust the new guy August 11, 2010 at 5:45 pm

“usa soul country jesus saves broncos denver go usa sarah palin 2012″

well at least we know what play josh mcdaniels will call out anytime tim tebow’s on the field.

Beanball August 11, 2010 at 5:47 pm

I heard there’s a mosque in the White House basement. It was converted from that Pope-worshiping JFK’s old Catholic chapel.

Toomush Infermashun August 11, 2010 at 5:52 pm

I object – The Denver Bronco’s are NOT Jesus’ team – everyone knows Jayzu has a thing for Brett Favre…

wallythepug August 11, 2010 at 5:58 pm

[re=636866]Serolf Divad[/re]: I’m going to use that…thanks

jus_wonderin August 11, 2010 at 6:14 pm

A gay bar named “Suspicious Packages” at Ground Zero, however…

LOL. This does bring up a valid point. So, are the objectors going to be able to monitor the tenant list of the future (wtc location) tower? Can they raise a flap everytime a tenant they don’t approve of makes application? You heard it here first.

Rentboy.gov August 11, 2010 at 6:34 pm

As a New Yorker, this shit has me seething…Build the Danged Mosque.

Dog Trombone August 11, 2010 at 6:36 pm

[re=636863]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You have the wisdom of fucking Solomon.

AxmxZ August 11, 2010 at 6:37 pm

[re=636870]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Hey, remember two years ago, when it seemed like all those people melted into foul air? Yeah, there’s still here. And for the first time since pretty much ever, they truly feel threatened.

SwanSwanH August 11, 2010 at 9:40 pm

Needs more Admiral Akbar.

Poisoned Rationality August 11, 2010 at 10:13 pm

South Park has 2 minutes of all the snark necessary on this one:


Steve Atwater was the MAN … totally deserves the HOF

Damn, I’m drunk and jonezing for football, must be Wednesday.

zhubajie August 11, 2010 at 10:43 pm

[re=636855]Gorillionaire[/re]: Rush is getting religious?

kenlayisalive_dot_org August 12, 2010 at 12:25 am

Dashboard_Buddha: Still is a pretty cool country, but in a really freaky, poorly-maintained roller coaster kind of way.

drrty martini August 12, 2010 at 1:35 am

All I can say is ABSOLUTELY photograph!!

PrimlyStable August 12, 2010 at 2:28 am

[re=636870]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: There was a window of about one year from November 2008 when the world stopped pointing at America and laughing and decided that actually it was a pretty cool country again. Now it’s all teabags and mosques and such. Oh and Sarah Palin being considered a serious politician, that really cracks the Europeans up.

Long Form Def Certificate August 12, 2010 at 3:22 am

The only mosque I know in my area — I think there are a coupla others, maybe — is spitting distance from the municipal airport. & it’s been there since at least the early 90s. I can only imagine what hell they’ve been thru since 9/11, though. Cops prolly visit twice a week, FBI has tapped the phones, the children of the Pollacks with pitchforks who barricaded the 27th Street Bridge in the 60s deface the building with all manner of graffiti.

WestBayRay August 12, 2010 at 8:23 am

The Beast of Many Flags! Thus, the Prophecy is fulfilled…

Baldar T Flagass August 12, 2010 at 8:35 am

“USA Soul Country”?
Shouldn’t that be a picture of James Brown instead of Jesus?

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