Mean Old Wasilla Mayor (Not Sarah) Calls Levi a Dumb Nudist

  america's mayor

We will never run out of reasons to run this Lauri Apple drawing.Good god, we’ve gone several hours without a Levi Johnston update! Yesterday, we all learned of Young Levi’s political plans: He wants to run for mayor of Wasilla, because he heard about this other idiot who managed to become mayor of Wasilla. But his bastard child’s sketchy old granny (Sarah Palin) isn’t even mayor of Wasilla anymore, so this wouldn’t really be the SMACKDOWN Levi and the Us Weekly/Entertainment Tonight industrial complex so badly requires, for America. Turns out some old dude is mayor of Alaska’s blue-tarp gravel pit, and this old dude doesn’t even dig Levi’s fresh moves!

Let’s check in with the three-paragraph “E.T.” article, for details!

Mayor Verne E. Rupright tells ET, “Well, it is a little early to declare. Usually most wait until the year the seat is up. But since I am nearly old enough to be Levi’s grandfather I think it would be wise for him to get a high school diploma and keep his clothes on. The voters like that!”

Yeah whatever, in Wasilla you’re “nearly old enough” to be somebody’s grandparent when you’re about 27 and getting both your GED and your ninth tattoo. [Entertainment Tonight]

Related

 
Related video

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

8 comments

  1. Terry

    “But since I am nearly old enough to be Levi’s grandfather I think it would be wise for him to get a high school diploma and keep his clothes on. The voters like that!”

    Oh, snap. Much better than Snowbilly and her spawn’s responses to that school teacher in Homer. Wasilla’s come up a bit in the world with their current mayor.

  2. Mr Blifil

    Wonkett, your home for Moose Antler codpieces and daily sideboob from 4-diamond whores. It’s gonna be another good day.

  3. harry palmer

    If it’s wiser to keep your clothes on and get a diploma, why does Playgirl want pix of Levi, and not you, loser grampa with the Scooby-Doo name?

  4. Prommie

    [re=636455]Mr Blifil[/re]: Sideboob? Where, where is the sideboob? Once, in freshman English class (composition) at good old LandGrant U, there was an attractive young woman sitting beside and just to the front of me, in a t-shirt that had no sleeves, and I glanced at her and was amazed to find I could see into the armhole of her t-shirt, and behold within, a completely and fully visible breast, just hanging in space in there (she was leaning forward over her desk, so her shirt was draped away from her body), free from restraints or undergarments, it was the most glorious day of my life.

  5. Texan Bulldoggette

    At least he didn’t accuse Levi of doing the ‘porno’ like Snowbilly. (I love it when people add the ‘o’ to porn.)

    [re=636465]Prommie[/re]: You got the start of a good Penthouse Forum story, except it needs to occur on a ‘dark, rainy day’.

  6. Elephants Gerald

    [re=636468]Prommie[/re]: I can’t remember where I left my keys, but I can conjure up many, many, similar sights from English classes over the years.

  7. bago

    It’s Wasilla. Imagine the hick town you grew up in, yet made fun of people from the next hick town. Now imagine the hick town that they made fun of. Now you are approaching Wasilla territory.

  8. Jumping Jim

    I think the best part is when Sarah Palin campaigns for the incumbent and her doppelganger Kathy Griffin comes in to stump for Levi.

    TLC or Bravo get involved with a series. Hilarity ensues.

  9. 13ollocks To The Rules

    [re=636465]Prommie[/re]: In this jaded and overexposed day and age, accidental boobage is the only kind worth talking about. While vacationing in a largely topless/nudist part of the Med years ago, the most titillating sight was while snorkelling, and a chick in a bikini had one boob pop out while she was swimming above me…it’s the little things that mean so much….!

  10. Zadig

    [re=636469]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: It also needs to start out with “I never thought it would happen to me, but…”

  11. JMP

    The voters like politicians keeping their clothes on? Some of Sarah’s fapfapfap brigade probably disagree.

  12. Baldar T Flagass

    They still have Penthouse Forum? Or are those posting about it (or even knowing what it is) just part of the Wonkette Silver Set?

  13. jus_wonderin

    [re=636480]Zadig[/re]: Also, add, “One summer when I was working as a farmhand for a lonely young widow…..”

  14. dijetlo

    Sheee-it, Grandpa Rupright sounds like one of them there coastal elitists with his hifalutin’ “high school diploma” and “keep yer ding ding in yer trousers, Levi” talk!
    I smell a Tea party beat down a’ brewin’ in the great white north.

  15. just pixels

    “keep your clothes on”
    That’s good advice. A little late to help with that whole Bristol/Trip (or is it Trig?) situation though.

    “nearly old enough to be Levi’s grandfather “
    In Wasilla that makes him 42.

  16. norbizness

    I always use that graphic as a friendly reminder to re-up my “block all images from wonkette.com” function; would that they made a similar application for my mind.

  17. Prommie

    [re=636479]13ollocks To The Rules[/re]: The boob you are not supposed to see, yes, that is the best boob of all.[re=636471]Elephants Gerald[/re]: The alzheimers-old and addledness thing works on a LIFO basis, “last in, first out.”

  18. Baldar T Flagass

    Are there any plans to market those strap-on moose antlers on the Wonkette internet shop?

  19. One Yield Regular

    [re=636461]harry palmer[/re]: Terrific. Now I’ll have that Scooby-Doo voice in my head all day going “RrrupRrright! RrrupRrright!”

  20. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Being dumb and naked didn’t stop Scott Brown from becoming a US Senator, grampa.

  21. Rev. Juan MessyCan

    [re=636469]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I’ve made a rule for myself: use “porno” as the adjective and “porn” as the noun. As in, “I have to get back to fapping to a porno flick. I can’t stay away from buttsecksy porn.”

    I do expect Grumpy Grampa to lose after this disingenuous statement. He’s clearly out of touch with the Wasilla populace: Levi’s probably had very little (and needed even less) encouragement to keep his dingaling in his pants, and Grump’s the only one that can spell GED.

  22. Troubledog

    I hate Alaska so much.

    Pretty soon every motherfucker in our nation’s largest welfare state, Alaska, where they have no right to tell ANY of us what to do because (a) Seward paid cash and (b) you fucktards haul $1.86 in Fed spending for every $1 you pay in Fed taxes, which means you don’t pay for a goddamn thing down here and also STFU, you are on the dole, but even so every one of these motherfuckers is gonna have a TLC steadycam following them around while they (1) catch a fish (2) stand on a dock and spit in the water (3) ride around on a boat in the rain (4) drive a dirty truck somewhere.

    Not even to mention that Alaska is our only Socialist state, where every man woman and child gets a check from the government to share the socialist booty of corporate oil profits, redistribution of wealth, and all the things that are supposedly SO FUCKING EVIL if they happen someplace else.

    Happy fucking Wednesday and sorry about the plane crash and all that, but Ted Stevens was the biggest money whore in the history of forever that wasn’t named Murtha. You want to talk about your fierce independence and shit like that? Give back the money. Fuck you, Alaska, and all that sail upon you.

    The experiment was a failure. You’re fucking fired. If you don’t like America, go back to Russia.

  23. Troubledog

    Pre-emptive strike on anticipated “But T-dog, what about the OIL????” Here’s a fun fact. Alaska only kicks down 14% of domestic oil production, down from about 25% in the late 80s.

    And domestic oil only accounts for 1/3 of US oil consumption. Bottom line is Alaska only accounts for about 5% of the oil we use here. We get 3x more oil from Canada than we do from Alaska, and they only send us entertainers and intellectual elitists as opposed to your output of reality show fodder.

    So fuck you, Alaska, and take your high sulfur expensive to process crude with you.

  24. Rev. Juan MessyCan

    [re=636603]Troubledog[/re]:
    “Your mission is a failure
    Your lifestyle’s too extreme
    I’m your new commander
    You now are my prisoner…”

  25. BarackMyWorld

    I’d imagine Levi’s entire rationale in running for office is “Well if THAT retard can do it….” but someone probably really should explain to him that the woman he’s comparing himself to had an education from 5 different colleges to help her succeed.

  26. GOPCrusher

    If levi does manage to become Mayor of Wasillyville, won’t that just confirm the fact that any retard can be Mayor of Wasillyville? Then Bible Spice will have to take that off her list of Great Life Accomplishments, then she can stand up in front of America and proclaim “I’ve quit everything I’ve ever done” and mean it.

  27. Broken Malice Machine

    [re=636465]Prommie[/re]: I’m afraid we’re going to need more details of this triumphant moment in your life. Clearly it’s been stuck in the ‘ole bank and now you must share. Here’s my contribution of unexpected boobness…I was at the AM/PM purchasing gas and these two had to have been strippers judging by the fake tans, huge fake boobs and attire were getting gas for their stripper or sugar daddy paid for car. Anyway, the blond (the brunette was much cuter, but I’m partial to them) bent down for god knows what reason and a large fugazi breast popped out of her extremely low-cut top. It wasn’t so much a once-in-a-lifetime moment of glory, but for a slightly unexpected appearance of massive melons it was pretty cool. The most hilarious part is much like clueless tara reid and her oopsie with the massacred nipple, she didn’t seem to notice it was out until her comrade in arms pulled the top back up. Of course by then myself, some dirty perverts twice my age and half of Oregon’s male hispanic population had seen it…it was like a mass Elvis sighting minus the fat, old and disgusting.

  28. Broken Malice Machine

    If Levi becomes Mayor..won’t he officially prove that alongside his scholarly supremacy and banging of her “abstinent” daughter that he’s superior to Snowbilly in all ways? You know this will engender a reality show; it’s not that anyone with any sense whatsoever wants one but it’s inevitable. Especially since Levi will be mayor to the town the snowbilly sort of lives in…this can make for awesome teevee like when a sudden “zoning problem” pops up for the “paid for by dumb wingnut cash” Palin compound…or the very special “Sarah screws Levi” episode, because isn’t that how she handles every difficult man in her life?

  29. Broken Malice Machine

    [re=636532]dijetlo[/re]: He’d better beware though…it’s not like electing dumb unacomplished idiots for mayor in Wasilla doesn’t have precedent. At least Levi is honest about his white trashiness, Sarah hides behind her “took me nine schools, eight years and porking many professors to get this doncha know?” BA in Journalism; a field she demonstrates all the capability of a baboon trying to weld in. Besides, so long as Levi being her white trash ID gets the Snowbilly family to flee to the Redneck Riveria, I’m happy.

  30. Sharkey

    Wait, it just might work! He could throw Sarah in jail and detain her indefinitely for no reason under the PATRIOT Act!

  31. Troubledog

    [re=636619]Rev. Juan MessyCan[/re]: That is ironically hilarious, as only yesterday someone said I am a twin for Tim Curry. Paulo Coelho would see deep meaning in this.

  32. Dean Booth

    [re=636465]Prommie[/re]: A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn’t think he’d remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was leaning forward over the railing, so her dress was draped away from her body. I could see into the armhole of her dress, and behold within, a completely and fully visible breast, just hanging in space in there. I only saw it for one second. She didn’t see me at all, but I’ll bet a month hasn’t gone by since that I haven’t thought of that girl.

  33. zhubajie

    [re=636460]crunkjuice[/re]: Depends on the quality of the tatooes. Let’s be honest: most US tatoos are uglier than dogshit. You won’t find good-looking tatoos outside Japan or the less-westernized Pacific Islands.

    If he were tatooed like a Yakuza, that might be interesting; like a Maori warrior, even better. Nine ugly Wasilla tatoos — no, not in a million years.

  34. zhubajie

    Are you SURE Levi has only ONE bastard? I’d suspect one for every day of the week or maybe the year.

  35. zhubajie

    [re=636486]JMP[/re]: Most politicians are so butt-ugly they ought to be required to wear burqa 24/7.

  36. zhubajie

    [re=636676]Sharkey[/re]: Better put Todd and the rest of the clan in too. You can’t kill Caesar and let Antony escape.

  37. engulfedinflames

    [re=636925]Dean Booth[/re]: Please sight the original, it has crossed my mind from time to time but i can’t remember who wrote it. Knute Hamsen?
    E.L.Doctorow ? Mark Twain? Anyone? please help.

  38. RPolanski

    Mayor Rupright? Way too close to Ruprecht. “Have you been banging on your pots again, Ruprecht?”

Comments are closed.