AMERICA'S MAYOR  11:02 am August 11, 2010

Mean Old Wasilla Mayor (Not Sarah) Calls Levi a Dumb Nudist

by Ken Layne

We will never run out of reasons to run this Lauri Apple drawing.Good god, we’ve gone several hours without a Levi Johnston update! Yesterday, we all learned of Young Levi’s political plans: He wants to run for mayor of Wasilla, because he heard about this other idiot who managed to become mayor of Wasilla. But his bastard child’s sketchy old granny (Sarah Palin) isn’t even mayor of Wasilla anymore, so this wouldn’t really be the SMACKDOWN Levi and the Us Weekly/Entertainment Tonight industrial complex so badly requires, for America. Turns out some old dude is mayor of Alaska’s blue-tarp gravel pit, and this old dude doesn’t even dig Levi’s fresh moves!

Let’s check in with the three-paragraph “E.T.” article, for details!

Mayor Verne E. Rupright tells ET, “Well, it is a little early to declare. Usually most wait until the year the seat is up. But since I am nearly old enough to be Levi’s grandfather I think it would be wise for him to get a high school diploma and keep his clothes on. The voters like that!”

Yeah whatever, in Wasilla you’re “nearly old enough” to be somebody’s grandparent when you’re about 27 and getting both your GED and your ninth tattoo. [Entertainment Tonight]

 
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{ 56 comments }

Terry August 11, 2010 at 11:07 am

“But since I am nearly old enough to be Levi’s grandfather I think it would be wise for him to get a high school diploma and keep his clothes on. The voters like that!”

Oh, snap. Much better than Snowbilly and her spawn’s responses to that school teacher in Homer. Wasilla’s come up a bit in the world with their current mayor.

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 11, 2010 at 11:08 am

Oh ho ho! Check out Grandpa Feistypants!

Mr Blifil August 11, 2010 at 11:09 am

Wonkett, your home for Moose Antler codpieces and daily sideboob from 4-diamond whores. It’s gonna be another good day.

user-of-owls August 11, 2010 at 11:10 am

What a hoot.

KilgoreTrout_XL August 11, 2010 at 11:11 am

It’s true. Voters like high school and clothing and buying meth from Levi’s family.

crunkjuice August 11, 2010 at 11:13 am

what’s wrong with a GED and nine tattoos?

harry palmer August 11, 2010 at 11:15 am

If it’s wiser to keep your clothes on and get a diploma, why does Playgirl want pix of Levi, and not you, loser grampa with the Scooby-Doo name?

Prommie August 11, 2010 at 11:19 am

[re=636455]Mr Blifil[/re]: Sideboob? Where, where is the sideboob? Once, in freshman English class (composition) at good old LandGrant U, there was an attractive young woman sitting beside and just to the front of me, in a t-shirt that had no sleeves, and I glanced at her and was amazed to find I could see into the armhole of her t-shirt, and behold within, a completely and fully visible breast, just hanging in space in there (she was leaning forward over her desk, so her shirt was draped away from her body), free from restraints or undergarments, it was the most glorious day of my life.

Prommie August 11, 2010 at 11:21 am

[re=636455]Mr Blifil[/re]: Oh, oops, its Jenna you are referring to, yes, I see now.

Texan Bulldoggette August 11, 2010 at 11:26 am

At least he didn’t accuse Levi of doing the ‘porno’ like Snowbilly. (I love it when people add the ‘o’ to porn.)

[re=636465]Prommie[/re]: You got the start of a good Penthouse Forum story, except it needs to occur on a ‘dark, rainy day’.

Elephants Gerald August 11, 2010 at 11:30 am

[re=636468]Prommie[/re]: I can’t remember where I left my keys, but I can conjure up many, many, similar sights from English classes over the years.

bago August 11, 2010 at 11:31 am

It’s Wasilla. Imagine the hick town you grew up in, yet made fun of people from the next hick town. Now imagine the hick town that they made fun of. Now you are approaching Wasilla territory.

ella August 11, 2010 at 11:33 am

His campaign slogan is going to be “A meth lab in every trailer park!”

Jumping Jim August 11, 2010 at 11:34 am

I think the best part is when Sarah Palin campaigns for the incumbent and her doppelganger Kathy Griffin comes in to stump for Levi.

TLC or Bravo get involved with a series. Hilarity ensues.

13ollocks To The Rules August 11, 2010 at 11:35 am

[re=636465]Prommie[/re]: In this jaded and overexposed day and age, accidental boobage is the only kind worth talking about. While vacationing in a largely topless/nudist part of the Med years ago, the most titillating sight was while snorkelling, and a chick in a bikini had one boob pop out while she was swimming above me…it’s the little things that mean so much….!

Zadig August 11, 2010 at 11:36 am

[re=636469]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: It also needs to start out with “I never thought it would happen to me, but…”

Serolf Divad August 11, 2010 at 11:38 am

[re=636475]ella[/re]:

Isn’t that like promising the voters 3 sides to every triangle?

JMP August 11, 2010 at 11:42 am

The voters like politicians keeping their clothes on? Some of Sarah’s fapfapfap brigade probably disagree.

free1 August 11, 2010 at 11:50 am

LJ You coulda chosen architect.
Always wanted to be an architect.
And a BUFF.

Guppy06 August 11, 2010 at 11:51 am

High school diplomas are for liberal elitists.

rmjag August 11, 2010 at 12:00 pm

nude playgirl centerfolds are taking over american politics , and i have no problem with that .

Baldar T Flagass August 11, 2010 at 12:09 pm

They still have Penthouse Forum? Or are those posting about it (or even knowing what it is) just part of the Wonkette Silver Set?

jus_wonderin August 11, 2010 at 12:11 pm

[re=636480]Zadig[/re]: Also, add, “One summer when I was working as a farmhand for a lonely young widow…..”

BobTheBuilder August 11, 2010 at 12:22 pm

To answer grandpa’s question: Why is he announcing so early?

Two words: Reality Show.

dijetlo August 11, 2010 at 12:23 pm

Sheee-it, Grandpa Rupright sounds like one of them there coastal elitists with his hifalutin’ “high school diploma” and “keep yer ding ding in yer trousers, Levi” talk!
I smell a Tea party beat down a’ brewin’ in the great white north.

just pixels August 11, 2010 at 12:25 pm

“keep your clothes on”
That’s good advice. A little late to help with that whole Bristol/Trip (or is it Trig?) situation though.

“nearly old enough to be Levi’s grandfather “
In Wasilla that makes him 42.

norbizness August 11, 2010 at 12:26 pm

I always use that graphic as a friendly reminder to re-up my “block all images from wonkette.com” function; would that they made a similar application for my mind.

Prommie August 11, 2010 at 12:53 pm

[re=636479]13ollocks To The Rules[/re]: The boob you are not supposed to see, yes, that is the best boob of all.[re=636471]Elephants Gerald[/re]: The alzheimers-old and addledness thing works on a LIFO basis, “last in, first out.”

Baldar T Flagass August 11, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Are there any plans to market those strap-on moose antlers on the Wonkette internet shop?

One Yield Regular August 11, 2010 at 12:58 pm

[re=636461]harry palmer[/re]: Terrific. Now I’ll have that Scooby-Doo voice in my head all day going “RrrupRrright! RrrupRrright!”

ella August 11, 2010 at 1:00 pm

[re=636483]Serolf Divad[/re]: Excellent point.

Naked Bunny with a Whip August 11, 2010 at 1:02 pm

Being dumb and naked didn’t stop Scott Brown from becoming a US Senator, grampa.

Rev. Juan MessyCan August 11, 2010 at 1:10 pm

[re=636469]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I’ve made a rule for myself: use “porno” as the adjective and “porn” as the noun. As in, “I have to get back to fapping to a porno flick. I can’t stay away from buttsecksy porn.”

I do expect Grumpy Grampa to lose after this disingenuous statement. He’s clearly out of touch with the Wasilla populace: Levi’s probably had very little (and needed even less) encouragement to keep his dingaling in his pants, and Grump’s the only one that can spell GED.

Troubledog August 11, 2010 at 1:15 pm

I hate Alaska so much.

Pretty soon every motherfucker in our nation’s largest welfare state, Alaska, where they have no right to tell ANY of us what to do because (a) Seward paid cash and (b) you fucktards haul $1.86 in Fed spending for every $1 you pay in Fed taxes, which means you don’t pay for a goddamn thing down here and also STFU, you are on the dole, but even so every one of these motherfuckers is gonna have a TLC steadycam following them around while they (1) catch a fish (2) stand on a dock and spit in the water (3) ride around on a boat in the rain (4) drive a dirty truck somewhere.

Not even to mention that Alaska is our only Socialist state, where every man woman and child gets a check from the government to share the socialist booty of corporate oil profits, redistribution of wealth, and all the things that are supposedly SO FUCKING EVIL if they happen someplace else.

Happy fucking Wednesday and sorry about the plane crash and all that, but Ted Stevens was the biggest money whore in the history of forever that wasn’t named Murtha. You want to talk about your fierce independence and shit like that? Give back the money. Fuck you, Alaska, and all that sail upon you.

The experiment was a failure. You’re fucking fired. If you don’t like America, go back to Russia.

Troubledog August 11, 2010 at 1:25 pm

Pre-emptive strike on anticipated “But T-dog, what about the OIL????” Here’s a fun fact. Alaska only kicks down 14% of domestic oil production, down from about 25% in the late 80s.

And domestic oil only accounts for 1/3 of US oil consumption. Bottom line is Alaska only accounts for about 5% of the oil we use here. We get 3x more oil from Canada than we do from Alaska, and they only send us entertainers and intellectual elitists as opposed to your output of reality show fodder.

So fuck you, Alaska, and take your high sulfur expensive to process crude with you.

Rev. Juan MessyCan August 11, 2010 at 1:27 pm

[re=636603]Troubledog[/re]:
“Your mission is a failure
Your lifestyle’s too extreme
I’m your new commander
You now are my prisoner…”

BarackMyWorld August 11, 2010 at 1:28 pm

I’d imagine Levi’s entire rationale in running for office is “Well if THAT retard can do it….” but someone probably really should explain to him that the woman he’s comparing himself to had an education from 5 different colleges to help her succeed.

Extemporanus August 11, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Levi Johnston is the Mayor of Tiny Town.

GOPCrusher August 11, 2010 at 1:37 pm

If levi does manage to become Mayor of Wasillyville, won’t that just confirm the fact that any retard can be Mayor of Wasillyville? Then Bible Spice will have to take that off her list of Great Life Accomplishments, then she can stand up in front of America and proclaim “I’ve quit everything I’ve ever done” and mean it.

Broken Malice Machine August 11, 2010 at 1:41 pm

[re=636465]Prommie[/re]: I’m afraid we’re going to need more details of this triumphant moment in your life. Clearly it’s been stuck in the ‘ole bank and now you must share. Here’s my contribution of unexpected boobness…I was at the AM/PM purchasing gas and these two had to have been strippers judging by the fake tans, huge fake boobs and attire were getting gas for their stripper or sugar daddy paid for car. Anyway, the blond (the brunette was much cuter, but I’m partial to them) bent down for god knows what reason and a large fugazi breast popped out of her extremely low-cut top. It wasn’t so much a once-in-a-lifetime moment of glory, but for a slightly unexpected appearance of massive melons it was pretty cool. The most hilarious part is much like clueless tara reid and her oopsie with the massacred nipple, she didn’t seem to notice it was out until her comrade in arms pulled the top back up. Of course by then myself, some dirty perverts twice my age and half of Oregon’s male hispanic population had seen it…it was like a mass Elvis sighting minus the fat, old and disgusting.

Broken Malice Machine August 11, 2010 at 1:45 pm

If Levi becomes Mayor..won’t he officially prove that alongside his scholarly supremacy and banging of her “abstinent” daughter that he’s superior to Snowbilly in all ways? You know this will engender a reality show; it’s not that anyone with any sense whatsoever wants one but it’s inevitable. Especially since Levi will be mayor to the town the snowbilly sort of lives in…this can make for awesome teevee like when a sudden “zoning problem” pops up for the “paid for by dumb wingnut cash” Palin compound…or the very special “Sarah screws Levi” episode, because isn’t that how she handles every difficult man in her life?

Broken Malice Machine August 11, 2010 at 1:51 pm

[re=636532]dijetlo[/re]: He’d better beware though…it’s not like electing dumb unacomplished idiots for mayor in Wasilla doesn’t have precedent. At least Levi is honest about his white trashiness, Sarah hides behind her “took me nine schools, eight years and porking many professors to get this doncha know?” BA in Journalism; a field she demonstrates all the capability of a baboon trying to weld in. Besides, so long as Levi being her white trash ID gets the Snowbilly family to flee to the Redneck Riveria, I’m happy.

Sharkey August 11, 2010 at 2:05 pm

Wait, it just might work! He could throw Sarah in jail and detain her indefinitely for no reason under the PATRIOT Act!

Troubledog August 11, 2010 at 2:07 pm

[re=636619]Rev. Juan MessyCan[/re]: That is ironically hilarious, as only yesterday someone said I am a twin for Tim Curry. Paulo Coelho would see deep meaning in this.

sezme August 11, 2010 at 2:07 pm

I vote he keeps his clothes off.

Dean Booth August 11, 2010 at 4:34 pm

[re=636465]Prommie[/re]: A fellow will remember a lot of things you wouldn’t think he’d remember. You take me. One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on the ferry, and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in, and on it there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on. She was leaning forward over the railing, so her dress was draped away from her body. I could see into the armhole of her dress, and behold within, a completely and fully visible breast, just hanging in space in there. I only saw it for one second. She didn’t see me at all, but I’ll bet a month hasn’t gone by since that I haven’t thought of that girl.

Zorg August 11, 2010 at 7:37 pm

We know whatcha mean, Verne!

President Beeblebrox August 11, 2010 at 11:21 pm

We can sellz Alaska back to teh Russienz nao plox?

zhubajie August 12, 2010 at 1:12 am

[re=636460]crunkjuice[/re]: Depends on the quality of the tatooes. Let’s be honest: most US tatoos are uglier than dogshit. You won’t find good-looking tatoos outside Japan or the less-westernized Pacific Islands.

If he were tatooed like a Yakuza, that might be interesting; like a Maori warrior, even better. Nine ugly Wasilla tatoos — no, not in a million years.

zhubajie August 12, 2010 at 1:18 am

Are you SURE Levi has only ONE bastard? I’d suspect one for every day of the week or maybe the year.

zhubajie August 12, 2010 at 9:21 am

[re=636486]JMP[/re]: Most politicians are so butt-ugly they ought to be required to wear burqa 24/7.

zhubajie August 12, 2010 at 9:23 am

[re=636676]Sharkey[/re]: Better put Todd and the rest of the clan in too. You can’t kill Caesar and let Antony escape.

zhubajie August 12, 2010 at 9:25 am

Quite possibly Mayor Rupright IS Levi’s grandfather!

libwakman August 12, 2010 at 11:32 am

Is that a Moose Vajayjay codpiece placed between those antler, horn, bones of death thing?

engulfedinflames August 12, 2010 at 9:09 pm

[re=636925]Dean Booth[/re]: Please sight the original, it has crossed my mind from time to time but i can’t remember who wrote it. Knute Hamsen?
E.L.Doctorow ? Mark Twain? Anyone? please help.

RPolanski August 13, 2010 at 7:17 am

Mayor Rupright? Way too close to Ruprecht. “Have you been banging on your pots again, Ruprecht?”

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