Coming to you live from Thugtown USA—i.e. “Obama’s backyard,” or Chicagotown, where there are no races or post-racial relations at the polls to watch today. So let’s watch everybody else’s races!

At this moment we are still awaiting the results of the Georgia gubernatorial primary runoff starring Republicans Nathan “the Real Deal” Deal and Karen “Love Handels” Handel. Some election competitions in Colorado are still up in the air, too. And maybe some other races are still undecided? Let’s go look for some more RESULTS.

11:19 PM — Democratic Colorado Sen. Michael Bennet WON his primary race. In case you didn’t know. Tonight he will make love to his wife, after they have some champagne and sugary candy.

11:23 PM — Just checked Bennet’s Wikipedia to make sure he’s hetero. He is! His wife is named Susan.

11:27 PM — In Minnesota, the Congressional District Two Democratic primary race between Shelley Madoff Madore and Dan Powers is still up in the air. Shelley Madore runs a thing called the 35 Cent Tour that calls out Republican incumbent John Kline for his “‘no pork’ ideology,” which apparently is bullshit.

11:32 PM — Michele Bachmann seems to still be winning her “uncontested” Republican primary, but there might be a last-minute upset.

11:35 PM — Out in mountain-y, square Colorado, the House District Three Republican primary race is still rewarding us with suspense and mystery, as Scott Tipton and Bob McConnell await their fates. Tipton has a plan for fixing America! You can read it here; it’s not even that long. It might be useless in about an hour, though.

11:42 PM — Here are some of Scott Tipton’s supporters, posing with their stuffed elephant doll/life coach. Hey, didn’t Michelle Obama wear a fannypack like that once? Better destroy it fast, there could be muslins inside:

11:44 PM — Ken Buck WON! This is because the Bible said, “all Kens are winners.” As part of his victory package Buck gets to run for Senate some more, and also receives a holiday vacation for two to sunny Acapulco so he can hate Mexicans to their faces.

11:49 PM — As cool as Scott Tipton looks in his jeans, Bob McConnell looks even cooler in his working-man’s hat. He’s already bringing back Williamsburg fashion circa 2005, to communicate with the Millennials better:

11:54 PM — Have you watched Bob McConnell shoot his gun at Osama bin Laden yet? “I love firearms,” he says:

11:56 PM — McConnell just wants us all to understand what he does, with the guns. Um, no thanks!

11:59 PM — Why won’t Michele Bachmann just CONCEDE???

Midnight — The Colorado Republican gubernatorial winner is still uncalled, with Dan Maes enjoying a slight lead over Scott McInnis. Will Maes ride the UN-purchased Illuminati 10-speed to victoire?

12:07 AM — Michael Bennet just passed the bowl—of M&M’s!—to his wife.

12:10 AM — Ken Buck just led some of his Teabagger supporters in a rousing version of “We Shall Overcome” for the eighth time this evening. They are savoring tonight’s victory, but thinking about the long road to November.

12:13 AM — Shelley Matador Madore won the House District Two Democratic primary! Give that gal a goddamned victory lollipop. Or popsicle, because REMEMBER, it’s cold in Minnesota.

12:15 AM — Right now Shelley Madore is jumping around like the adolescent Replacement Tommy Stinson does in this video—and probably also singing along to this song while munching on her “goddamned PopsiclePop”:

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  1. Restaurant Wars are always rage inducing – this time, it looks like the chefs will get the worst of it.

    … is this Top Chef??

    jk, Lauri you are my faaaavorite!

  2. I think the news media should investigate Michele Bachmann for being unAmerican, for running unopposed. Our Founders didn’t run unopposed when they got the Constitumatooshun from Jebus, did they? Did Jebus run unopposed? Did the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor unopposed? I think not.

  3. The 500,000 asshats in Georgia who have gone to vote today have created a virtual tie between these two numbskulls.

    Handel is counting on 6000 uncounted absentee ballots to make up her 2500 vote deficit. Apparently, Deal, who has run solely on the notion that he hates gay people more than Handel thinks he has won.

    Georgia, with the 5th worst economy in the United States, is more worried about how people get their rocks off than the fact that people are not able to afford getting their rocks off and the fact that we are totally trashing the 48th ranked school system in the country. The good news is that the schools can’t get much worse, right?

    This state is a Tea Party heaven. When the number 1 newspaper story most days in one of the nations 10 largest cities is about high school or college football, there is no use electing a governor who might improve the state. It is amazing that Pallin might not pull Handel through, but I guess Tip O’Neill was right, all politics is local.

    So in the spirit of our gay friends (who apparently are responsible for trashing the state economy and schools) Georgians will be asked to bend over and take one in the ass and watch another neanderthal good old boy see if he can ruin the economy even more than Sonny Bass Fucking Purdue.

    Please send your best wishes and cash to Roy Barnes, but I think he is too clever for this state.

  4. why can’t one of these asshats actually BAG bin laden?

    they are so hot for the action.

    oh right, there was that one guy once who was pretty sure he could do it and then immediately got arrested by pakistan.


  5. I am assuming that by “make love to his wife” you mean “hot, sweaty, painful grudge sex predicated on the need to prove to the unsupportive bitch that the validation of voters is the one true proof of manhood.”

  6. You know I don’t like to be judgmental or anything, but if Ken Buck and his Teaburgers are singing “We Shall Overcome”, they should be immediately subject to mountaintop removal.

  7. Hey, the ‘Mats!

    What’s more, they were sober enough to finish the song! That’s rare video indeed. (Does this mean “Waitress in the Sky” is coming along in regard to the emergency chute fellow?)

  8. It will be a fine day when Michele Bachmann gets to walk back to her OWN, gray 1988 Buick and drive herself home in Minnesota… WWWHHHHHHAAAAAaaaaaaaaa…

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