Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part II

  sink your teeth into michael bennet's mtn oysters

Bachmann and Mittens love cops! Even the Obama-colored space cop in the back.Things are fucking HOT AS HELL in tonight’s primaries, if you can imagine what a sexy Georgia looks like. Though we called the race for Nathan Deal because his supporters set up a kiddie pool of grits, the GOP gubernatorial primary results in the Annoying-Peach-Pit State remain close. In Connecticut, Linda McMahon is rasslin’ her way to the Republican Senate nomination while Ned Lamont is quickly becoming a sore-loserman for the Democrats’ gubernatorial prize. In Minnesota, Michele Bachmann’s race is uncontested and has been called, but we continue to hold out Hopeyesque hope. In Colorado, results are coming in ROBOT FAST from the mile-high robot voters who cast ballots in the tight races there. SEE, we said “tight.” Click off the porn and get in this thread NOW.

9:40 PM — As far as we can tell, Bachmann is still winning. The Teabagger Caucus lives!
9:53 PM — Perhaps the robots only make up only 59% or so of the Colorado electorate, as returns there have now slowed to a trickle. Everyone who was leading before is still leading.
9:58 PM — Connecticut GOP-Sen has been called for Linda McMahon. That wasn’t a very compelling soap opera.
10:04 PM — Look, Linda McMahon uses a computer! Just like you! Urbane! Urban!

10:06 PM — Connecticut Dem-Gov has been called for Dan Malloy. Ned Lamont has emerged from the ashes as a beautiful, bland phoenix.
10:10 PM — With 64% of results in, the Colorado Republican gubernatorial race is getting closer. Scott McInnis has dropped down to 50.3% of the vote, just 0.6% ahead of Dan Maes. Does this mean the next Colorado governor will ALLOW the communists to take over America with their bikes? No, because Maes will plagiarize McInnis’ bike-burning policy.
10:12 PM — Nathan Deal is barely leading in the Republican gubernatorial run-off in Georgia right now, 50.4%-49.6%, with 96% of precincts reporting. That is a slim lead, about the size of a kiddie pool full of grits, which is not a coincidence. Meanwhile, the GA-7 run-off has been called for Rob Woodall, so now Jody Hice can take us up on our offer to become your next new Wonkette writer.
10:14 PM — Colorado Dem-Sen has been called for Michael Bennet! He will continue to rubber-stamp Obama’s communist bike-takeover.
10:16 PM — Tom Emmer has blown shit up for the GOP nomination for governor. The race has been called while he leads with 88% of the vote. He will be showered in pennies tonight.
10:19 PM — The Democrats’ contest in MN-6 has been called for Tarryl Clark, so she will take on Bachmann if Bachmann somehow wins her primary.
10:33 PM — Dan Maes’ YouTube account is very lame. It looks like one of his kids put it together. But that doesn’t mean he can’t PUMP YOU UP to vote Maes!

10:38 PM — Maes appears to upload and caption his Facebook photos himself. Here is a recent photo album, with important campaign photos such as his six-year-old fishing and being hugged by a giant stuffed bear. “Hunted for 2.5 days NW of Paonia. Sara Palin has nothing on me! Can you tell it’s the same guy as in that nice photo to the left? What most people who criticize hunting don’t realize is that most of us do not harvest anything. We go to enjoy the absolute beauty of Colorado’s back country and enjoy the blessing of living here. Back on the campaign trail.” What?
10:44 PM — …And Maes does his own tweets. He’s still winning at the moment, now by just 0.2% with 71.5% reporting.

10:46 PM — Tom Foley has won the Republican nomination for Connecticut governor. No word yet if he is related to Linda McMahon employee Mick Foley. Or famous instant-messenger Mark Foley. But hopefully both.
10:53 PM — Maes is still winning, somehow:

10:57 PM — Deal now leads Handel 50.3%-49.7% with 99.8% reporting. The kiddie pool full of grits holds! But perhaps they will have to dig their hands through those grits to make sure there aren’t any ballots in there if there’s a recount.
11:04 PM — Well, this was bound to happen:

11:09 PM — Please, dear Coloradans, somebody change the “B” on this:

11:14 PM — Ohhhhhhhh, Mr. Buck, don’t think you should have put this up on your Facebook. You are so done. (OHHHHHHHHHH YEAH!)

11:17 PM — According to Politico, 100% of Georgia precincts are reporting. Nathan Deal is A MAN, and he is here to give Georgians jobs stirring kiddie pools full of grits.
11:19 PM — Your afternoon editor is FREE AT LAST from the shackles of bike communism. Your new thread with Lauri Apple, who is NOT A MAN, unlike Nathan Deal, is here. GOOD NIGHT, AMERICA.

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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26 comments

  1. Bearbloke

    Something I don’t understand about your elections – why didn’t someone, say a dirty hippie Green-Green or a commie hippie Red-Green or a fascist Christo-Nazi run against Frau Backmann? For that matter, why are any of your elections uncontested? The protest vote against Bachmann could have been significant…

  2. chascates

    Wait, if she’s hanging’ with Mittens has she written off the Huckster? These things are as complicated as any telenovela.

  3. just pixels

    The long arm of the law has finally caught up with Bachmann and Romney. Thank you Space Jebus!

  4. imissopus

    [re=636278]Bearbloke[/re]: This is just the primary, so people are only voting for the candidates they want to represent each party in the general election in November. No commie hippie Green would ever get enough support in Bachmann’s district to even get on the Republican Party ballot, even if they wanted to. Could still happen in the general. Of course that person will get crushed. Any “protest votes” against Bachmann will go to the Democratic candidate.

  5. Mr Blifil

    Linda MacMahon graciously accepted her opponent’s congratulatory remarks by smashing a folding chair over his head. Her general campaign appearances will include more burst bags of stage blood than a Peaches concert dedicated to raising date rape awareness.

  6. Madaloon

    Oh no. Bennet is being declared the winner in Colorado. They should have drawn out declaring at least so that the supporters on both sides could watch with bated breath as their young, charismatic, almost equal to the other guy candidate inched closer to victory.

  7. chascates

    [re=636278]Bearbloke[/re]: I suspect it’s the money involved. Check out the state house races in Georgia:
    http://sos.georgia.gov/elections/election_results/2010_0810/swscroll.htm
    In almost all races in which only one party is even fielding a candidate, and that is always a 2-way race. Traditional GOP vs the Tea Party insurgents? Who knows but the other party stayed out entirely. A US Senate race can run into the tens of millions easily, Meg Whitman has already spent 99 million of her own money (what a real politician NEVER does) and will probably pony up another 30 million.
    Whar are the Aussie laws about campaiging: how long before an election, any limit on funds, transparency, etc?

  8. chascates

    Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn.)said of Robert Gibbs criticism of the Professional Left replies:
    “This is not the first time that Mr. Gibbs has made untoward and inflammatory comments and I certainly hope that people in the White House don’t share his view that the left is unimportant to the president,” he said. “I understand him having some loyalty to the president who employs him, but I think he’s walking over the line.”

  9. chascates

    And now I find:

    No Denver resident would be able to grow more than 12 medical-marijuana plants in their home under a proposed ordinance that won initial approval before the City Council on Monday night.

    Redneck assholes.

  10. President Beeblebrox

    When will Bachmann face a normally-named opponent? First it was Elfin Tinklebergs, or whatever his name was, now it’s Tarryl “Darryl” Clark. What is this, Alaska?

  11. Dashboard_Buddha

    McMahon wins in CT? Truly the Idiotcracy is upon us. Her great-grandson, Beef Supreme, will look back on this day as a pivotal moment in history.

  12. legalize everything

    [re=636301]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Too late to stop it. Wanna go grab a beer at Buttfuckers?

  13. iburl

    It all matters so much!
    If a Republican wins a race, he’ll drive the country straight into the graveyard, screaming at you the entire time!
    If a Democrat wins, he will take a slightly more scenic route to the inevitable collapse while constantly speeding there faster per the demands of their daddies, the Republicans!!
    Go Dems!!

  14. zhubajie

    [re=636279]chascates[/re]: They are a protestant Mormon sect: each woman must have multiple husbands!

  15. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=636303]legalize everything[/re]: How late will we be out? I don’t want to miss Ow! My Balls.

Comments are closed.