a wonkette investigation

What If Michele Bachmann Loses?!

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i would die 4 u.Liveblogging coverage of tonight’s exciting/terrible primaries will begin very soon now! But just like on the Cable TeeVee News, your Wonkette Political Team must sit around with their laptops engaged in pre-game punditry. What, for example, are we supposed to do if Our Blessed Lady of Wingnuttery actually loses her suburban wingnut congressional seat? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO AMERICA? How will it feel to be gay married in a burqa, at illegal gunpoint, by Imam Nobama, using stimulus money for agnostic socialism?

Ken L.
oh jeez can you imagine if bachmann loses? what are we gonna do?
Lauri A.
I know
Ken L.
we can hope for a tight race, and a protracted, increasingly crazy recount battle
Ken L.
at least
Ken L.
and god knows we didn’t lose palin just because she lost/quit all political offices
Ken L.
it is a wonderful new era when actually being in office is secondary to being a political celebrity idiot
Ken L.
god, time was somebody like walter mondale would run & lose and then you could say, Good riddance, loser, won’t be seeing you around again
Aug 10
7:20 PM
Lauri A.
I don’t think Bachmann has Palin’s staying power
Lauri A.
Unless her foster kids start doing fun things
Ken L.
she is more of a local phenom, it is true
Ken L.
but so was palin until walnuts said RISE UP
Lauri A.
We can hope that someone chooses her as a running mate in 2012
Ken L.
/the way bruce springsteen said that, to 9/11
Ken L.
yeah i could see a romney or some other blueblood moderate picking her for a loony teabag chance
Ken L.
newt, he’s so fucking shameless
Lauri A.
Oh man that would be a ticket
Ken L.
he will drop her off the ticket when she immediately gets cancer
Ken L.
put nikki haley on the ticket. “sorry she’s hotter even though she’s muslin”
Lauri A.
yeah, because he’ll give her cancer and then make her go
Ken L.
if a woman touches newt “down there” (his jowls) they get the cancer
Lauri A.
Right, sex-rabies.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Hedley Lamar

    If she loses, she belongs to America.

  • CessnaDriver

    Bachmann’s district, the MN-6 (Charles August Lindbergh’s old seat) is one of the most heavily gerrymandered districts in America. Elbridge would look at that district map and say, “Man, that’s f-ed up!”

    It’s also based on the 2000 Census, and there has been a huge demographic shift. She may be vulnerable.

  • Troubledog


  • artbot2000

    Poor thing, as a celebritard and news shouter, she’d bump her income by a factor of ten.

  • BarackMyWorld

    We have nothing to fear. If by some bizarre turn of events, she lost her Republican primary, she’d just run as an independent in the general election.

  • Baby who ate the Dingo

    My manbag quivers for Michelle. Well, my Tarrjjayyyy bag, anygay. Ooo, I meant “anyway,” but said “anygay.” Nikki is hotter, but she lost me with that “open governemnt” policy-thingy. Must be a raghead thing. Because if you tie it tight enough, you won’t lose your marble. Like me. And you won’t loose your Dr. Pezzi “loosness” if you keep not doing bloggers.

  • chascates

    She first ran in 2006 on the theme of socialism in government, while Bush & Cheney will still in office. And don’t forget her brave introduction of the Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act. As long as there are low-information voters in her district (I’d guess maybe 80%) she has a bright future. As a dim bulb.

  • memzilla

    We survived losing Kitty Harris, we can survive losing Michele Bachmann. Perhaps some nominations for who should replace her as Wingtard in Waiting?

  • mcc

    Does Bachmann actually have a primary challenger? I have not been following this race, due to not caring

  • Geogre

    If she loses, she will go to Fox, go directly to Fox. She will not even pause to collect her makeup kit from Congress.

    She will be “speaking” on the professional nut speaker’s bureau circuit in days, not weeks. What she has that Katherine Harris didn’t have is a complete lack of soul and sense and a gigantic urge to talk. Harris was stupid and compliant — a perfect Sect. State for Bush. She was Browny in a dress. Bachmann is ready to dance and caper and perform for years to come.

    Losing office will help her earnings and profile.

  • Katydid

    No chance she’ll lose ’cause she’s hot for Jebus, which I still find exceedingly disturbing. Although, if she does lose, does that mean Jebus is not hot for her? Maybe he’s cold for her, he’s so cold, like an ice cream cone.

  • qwerty42

    [re=636211]memzilla[/re]: Losing dear Kitty was a blow, nonetheless. I’m sure our Wonkette commentariat will rally though. Shake it off and move on to the next loony. There seems to be no end of them. Isn’t there a real nut in North Carolina?

  • Katydid

    [re=636218]Geogre[/re]: I don’t think she’ll go on Fox if she loses. I think she’s headed for the 700 Club. I think she’s too dumb for even Fox, which tells you something. The Fox loons that shall remain nameless are willing to feed and prop up Palin, but they won’t have the patience for Bachmann when she has no power anymore.

  • Dr. Zoidberg

    Do I have to get gay married in a burqa? Can I get gay married in a burkini, instead?

  • chascates

    [re=636212]mcc[/re]: No, she’ll face Democrat K(C)athy whatshername in November.

  • President Beeblebrox

    [re=636203]Troubledog[/re]: Stick Sharpie in pooper, also.

  • Ken Layne

    [re=636224]qwerty42[/re]: It’s true, we always recover after what seems to be a devastating loss.

    This midterm is weird in the sense that we’ve got so many dingbat also-rans fighting for weird points that we’ve nearly neglected the *actual psychopaths* who will win, or at least come close to winning, in November. But, the serious time is upon us, almost, and the Truly Crazy will get their time to shine. New nuts will be minted. America will prevail. (Cue ASCII graphic of a tear, made of 9/11s.)

  • Enslave the Whales

    [re=636201]CessnaDriver[/re]: ALL districts in America are among the most heavily-gerrymandered districts in America.

  • Maus

    “Ken L.
    if a woman touches newt “down there” (his jowls) they get the cancer”

    He does have warts on his soul, at least.

  • Clankie

    [re=636235]President Beeblebrox[/re]:

    this is not the site you’re looking for……….
    No, but seriously…

  • Clancy_Pants

    Keep your friends close and your batshit crazy representatives closer.

  • WhatTheHeck

    [re=636238]Ken Layne[/re]: Thank you for bringing these newly minted, batshit-crazy nuts to the pages of Wonkette.
    They are like a Comedy Central-Joke-Of-The-Day, every ding-dong day. Thanks for the lolz.

  • j.frigg

    It’s wrong that I got a boner from that, right?

  • disgustedcitizen

    If Newt picked Bachmann for a running mate he would first have to marry her, then divorce her just after the election or if she got sick.

  • judo_zhu

    Can I get gay married in a burkini