bachmann intoxication

We Will Liveblog Tonight Until America Hurts From Too Much Freedom

OHHHHHHHHH YEAH!Important primaries are happening right now in Georgia, Connecticut, Minnesota and Colorado, which are states that have little in common except that their voting robots all decided today was the day to provide sham “primary elections” to their states’ non-lizard-people. Will human vanilla bean Sen. Michael Bennet be able to hold off his challenger Andrew Romanoff? Will Michele Bachmann win her primary in Minnesota and thus be eligible to be re-raptured to Washington in November?

Will female wrestler Linda McMahon “pile drive” former Congressman Rob Simmons to take the Kool-Aid-sponsored GOP nomination for Senate in Connecticut? (We will call that last one now: OHHHHHHHHH YEAH!) Keep your Internets tuned to your Wonkette tonight, as we will update you ALL NIGHT LONG on all the latest results in all the races whilst we pull up the candidates’ websites and YouTube clips and make fun of them, for democracy. Beginning at 8 PM or so EST, you will care about these random elections deeply.

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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27 comments

  1. GOPCrusher

    I almost hope Michele Bachmann loses today or in the general election. It will guarantee that she will throw her hat in the ring for the 2012 Presidential election.

  2. weejee

    Will the clouds of Minnehaha skeeters give zombie candidates,like the Bachmann Turnip, an unfair advantage in late polling??

  3. SayItWithWookies

    There was an actual news piece on Nightline last night (apparently there were not enough Fantasia and/or The Bachelor stories to go around) and they profiled Linda McMahon, who wants to be judged solely on her economic impact, i.e. creating 500 jobs in Connecticut. Of course this didn’t go as far as the parts about how she and Vince made the WWE into an entertainment outfit so their wrestlers were performers and not athletes, and thus avoided appropriate safeguards, insurance and oversight; or about how the mortality rate for her “performers” is seven times that of the average American worker. It’s all about the jobs — the sucky, dangerous, roid-ragey jobs given to people she used up and threw away. I hope her $50 million vanity project has an unforseen aneurysm this evening.

  4. GOPCrusher

    [re=636116]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Did she also take responsibility for the death of Owen Hart, Brian Pillman, the entire Chris Benoit family, etc.?

  5. lochnessmonster

    Thanks Wonkette for taking one for the team. I don’t think I’m strong enough to resist going insane.

  6. Neilist

    Why does this feel like it’s 1933, and we’re waiting for the election returns from the Weimer Republic?

  7. Neilist

    [I know the elections were in 1932. But Hitler and the NSDAP lost ground in those, so the image didn't work.]

  8. loquaciousmusic

    As a Connecticois, I have just started drinking. Unfortunately, I have a lot of catching up to do.

  9. FlownOver

    Isn’t it past time for those two to go all Thelma & Louise? If there’s not a Grand-enough Canyon in Connecticut maybe somebody can stimulus-dig one for them.

    Soon.

  10. J

    Does anyone remember where they were the first time they realized Michele Bachmann was likely bathsit crazy? I do: it was when she grabbed Bush Jr. as he was leaving a State of the Union address and put an iron-like clamp on his arm so he couldn’t leave the damn room. (I think the Secret Service was actually getting nervous.) I believe she also forced her tongue down his throat, there might be video. It was quite disturbing and is the only time in my life I ever felt sympathy for W.

  11. weejee

    [re=636144]Neilist[/re]: Down there in the Californication, are you needin’ a wheelbarrow yet to carry yer monies to buy a loaf of bread?

  12. PabaBritannica

    When McMahon wins the primary tonight, I want instant analysis from “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

    Chris Matthews: So does she have a chance in the general, tell me Macho Man?

    Macho Madness: OOOOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOO DIG IT! BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT HULK HOOOOOGAN!

  13. PabaBritannica

    [re=636158]J[/re]: Seems like it was before the whole “Anti-Americans in Congress” thing, but I can’t place exactly when it was. I think I saw something somewhere about the time she hid in the bushes to spy on The Homosexuals that one time.

  14. facehead

    I’m pretty sure Wonkette by-laws stipulate that if Michele Bachmann is involved a drinking game is mandated.

    Why doesn’t the socialist spell check recognize ‘Bachmann’?

  15. Toomush Infermashun

    [re=636158]J[/re]: Geez, I’d forgotten this (happily, along with most of the eight years of YoungChimp) but I now recall the creepiness..is there some formula for right-wing female batshit craziness, is it just a fad, or is it hormonal…? Somebody quick list a few …couple…one… who retains some level of sanity…I’m beginning to think it’s just my perspective and need either a cultural adjustment or a couple more of these cuba libres….

  16. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=636173]Toomush Infermashun[/re]: very special balance between incompetence & belligerence, overtones of self-righteousness & a twist of giddy delight

    (giddy like Trudy Weigel in the episode where she shoots someone on accident. “Jim! I did something! I DID SOMETHING!”)

  17. Toomush Infermashun

    [re=636188]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: yeah, pretty sure some undeserved smugness is part of the diagnosis…

  18. Malketeer

    [re=636143]Neilist[/re]: I think its more like 1945 and we’re partying in the Reichstag while the Russians are shelling it.

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