Important primaries are happening right now in Georgia, Connecticut, Minnesota and Colorado, which are states that have little in common except that their voting robots all decided today was the day to provide sham “primary elections” to their states’ non-lizard-people. Will human vanilla bean Sen. Michael Bennet be able to hold off his challenger Andrew Romanoff? Will Michele Bachmann win her primary in Minnesota and thus be eligible to be re-raptured to Washington in November?
Will female wrestler Linda McMahon “pile drive” former Congressman Rob Simmons to take the Kool-Aid-sponsored GOP nomination for Senate in Connecticut? (We will call that last one now: OHHHHHHHHH YEAH!) Keep your Internets tuned to your Wonkette tonight, as we will update you ALL NIGHT LONG on all the latest results in all the races whilst we pull up the candidates’ websites and YouTube clips and make fun of them, for democracy. Beginning at 8 PM or so EST, you will care about these random elections deeply.