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Charlie Rangel Informs House He Is Going To Hang Around, In Long Speech About Himself

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Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me.Charlie Rangel delivered a rambling speech for more than 30 minutes on the House floor today, and it turns out he doesn’t like ethics violations, or being forced out because of them. “Somebody has to do more than wish I go away,” he said. Mostly, he just wants somebody to do something, because constantly denying things and having to defend himself is wearing on the old man. “I’m 80 years old. I don’t want to die before the hearing,” he said. Charlie Rangel will not leave voluntarily, so please either kick him out or let him stay. But you will not, so he had to eat his entire bow-tie collection last night.

“I do want the dignity that the president says,” Rangel said. But he doesn’t want it that badly, though he will apologize. “I apologize,” he said, multiple times.

Also: “The ethics committee won’t even tell me when my hearing will be.”

Just throw him out, Congress. It’s all he wants. He will stick around otherwise, though, like a cartoon ghost in cartoon purgatory, because he is too cartoonishly stubborn.

Perhaps you can just put a bowl of food just outside the entrance to the Capitol and shut the door behind him when he goes out to get it, Congress? Or perhaps that space princess he keeps as his slave will wrap her chains around his neck and choke him to death? [The Page]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • Larry Fine

    This “Champion of the People” will be sent back to Congress next election. Long live Charlie Rangle, and victory for the oppressed wherever they may be.

  • JMP

    As he says, he’s 80 years old (and based on the selections from that speech, going senile); which is reason he should be leaving the House anyway regardless of possible corruption.

    “I don’t want to be awkward and embarrass anybody.”

    Too late.

  • Limeylizzie

    Charlie is my Congressman and I just adore him as does most of Harlem, but he was less than riveting in that speech today.However I saw video of him at the Dominican Day Parade this weekend and he was on a float just shaking his booty to the music and that was riveting.

  • SayItWithWookies

    You go, Charlie — if the Republicans can filibuster a jobs & tax cuts bill, you can filibuster your own hearing. Nevermind that he’s not in the Senate — I’m sure there’s some obscure bylaw he’s been saving up to invoke on just this occasion.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    I like Charlie Rangel just fine, but he was kicking it Roland Burris-style in that speech. More coffee for Representative Rangel, STAT!

  • Mull_Man

    Wesley Snipes isn’t aging very well.

  • jus_wonderin

    Has he given in to using Mrs. Stewart’s Bluing in his hair?? My eyes! The googles do nothing!!!

  • chascates

    How about awarding him a fishing trip to the Alaskan outback?

  • Suds McKenzie

    He just wants his life back.

  • hiphophitler

    OK, I wish you would go away, and I’m also going to do something. Here’s a dollar. Now go away.

  • norbizness

    I hope that he explained that he was the one who originally talked the Right Honorable Elijah Muhammad out of string ties in favor of bowties.

  • Sharkey

    He Has Had Enough Yet.

  • JMP

    [re=636036]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Well a Senator can filibuster his own hearing, I saw it in a (very old) movie once, so it must be true.

  • Mad Farmer Manifest

    That post was racist, Jack.
    Which means that I’m racist for saying that Jack is racist.

    Sorry for being racist to you, Jack.

  • Extemporanus

    He got 99 problems, but a red-hot hootchie-cootcher ain’t one…

    Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hit me!

  • Toomush Infermashun

    How’s for that, Charlie?…

  • IceCreamEmpress

    “I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” was better when Jennifer Hudson sang it.

  • mcc

    “Somebody has to do more than wish I go away”

    Well they’re going ahead with the ethics trial, so I guess you get your wish

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Charlie Rangel, Left To Dangle, Marries Sharron Angle, Reunites With Bangles

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Rangel Renders Rhetoric, Wrangles, Razzes Reps

  • rocktonsammy



    Now get the fuck out.


  • rockosmodernlife

    Charles B. Rangel will you please go now?
    The time has come, The time has come.
    The time is now. Just go go go!
    I don’t care how, You can go by foot.
    You can go by cow.
    Charles B. Rangel will you please go now?

  • rockosmodernlife

    Charles B. Rangel will you please go now?