HISTORY-MAKER  2:23 pm August 10, 2010

Newt Gingrich Just Wants America To Give Him Cookies

by Jack Stuef

Newt with his latest wife.What’s it like being hateful and desperately doing anything to give yourself enough support for a presidential run? “I wake up in the morning and I know that somewhere there’s a cookie. I don’t know where it is but I know it’s mine and I have to go find it. That’s how I live my life. My life is amazingly filled with fun.” Newt Gingrich, folks. Yes, there are many fun tidbits in this sad article about this terrible human being.

By the time he was fifteen, Gingrich dedicated his life, he says, “to understanding what it takes for a free people to survive.” By the time he was eighteen, he was dating his high school geometry teacher. He married her a year later, when he was nineteen and she was twenty-six.

Hot! It turns out his childhood was pretty terrible in general, but:

It sounds like a complicated childhood, I say.

“It was fabulous.”

Fabulous?

“Lots of relatives, lots of complexity, lots of sugar pies, when I could talk my aunt and grandmother into making them. They had an old-fashioned cast-iron stove where you cut wood…”

Just as Ronald Reagan created an idealized version of an America that never quite existed, so has Newt. And just as Reagan curated a fantasy version of his own life, so, too, has Newt.

Aren’t you sugarcoating it a little bit?

“What do you mean?”

It sounds like a troubled domestic situation.

“It’s troubled if you decide that’s what it is.”

There are details about Newt’s affair when he was in office:

She kind of guessed it, of course. Women usually do. But did she know the woman was in her apartment, eating off her plates, sleeping in her bed?

She called a minister they both trusted. He came over to the house the next day and worked with them the whole weekend, but Gingrich just kept saying she was a Jaguar and all he wanted was a Chevrolet. ” ‘I can’t handle a Jaguar right now.’ He said that many times. ‘All I want is a Chevrolet.’ ”

He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.

He’d just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he’d given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.

Interesting! Also interesting: Newt Gingrich divorces his wives when they’re in the hospital with life-threatening diseases. And his organizations and money-making schemes since leaving office are pretty shady. Fun!

Time to give this man our presidency cookie. [Esquire]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 66 comments }

steverino247 August 10, 2010 at 2:30 pm

I hear they have cookies on the Dark Side, so Newt has enough to last already.

BklynIlluminati August 10, 2010 at 2:30 pm

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/cognitive+dissonance

somebody make sure Newt’s picture gets plastered here

madtowngooner August 10, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Is there anything more gross than this pic of Newt showing off his camel toe?

Geogre August 10, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Somewhere there is a cookie, and it’s his?

So, Newt is saying that he has felt entitled, all his life, to the cookies of others?

And if that cookie is down your blouse, or up your skirt, or in your trousers, Newt is still going to get it, and eat it? I really don’t like Newt.

I Heart Accuracy August 10, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Our common hope: the wife responded to process service with a gurney cookie.

Come here a minute August 10, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Cookies and sugar pies … could it be that Newt is furiously trying to lose some of his massive excess weight for the 2012 campaign? Just eat the damn pies and cookies, Newt, and leave America the hell alone.

Autochthon August 10, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Serolf Divad August 10, 2010 at 2:39 pm

I’ve just realized that for all their high-minded talk of God, values and morality, the Right wing is mostly populated by some of the most cynical nihilists imaginable. (And no, I don’t exclude the rank and file)

bureaucrap August 10, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Does this mean that his new official wonkette nickname is “cookie monster”? I would think so.

Pherge August 10, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Dude’s obsessed with cookies. Joan Didion wrote a profile of him in the 90′s and he talked about waking up as a kid, convinced someone had hidden a cookie for him somewhere in the house.

gurukalehuru August 10, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Rich Wing Gent

Reich wnng git

Ducksworthy August 10, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Here’s your presidency cookie Newtie, fresh from the horse’s patootie.

Business Pyjamas August 10, 2010 at 2:41 pm

I call photoshop tomfoolery. No way Newt is that thin.

madtowngooner August 10, 2010 at 2:42 pm

OT, but Uncle Ted is dead. Today, we are all a series of Tubes

germansteel August 10, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Once you learn that he was an Army brat, you know all you need to know about why he is the way he is. I never met one that turned out to be worth a shit in life or didn’t have a personality disorder.

J August 10, 2010 at 2:42 pm

It looks like he’s found and devoured every fucking cookie ever made by the National Biscuit Co.

Cliff Poncier August 10, 2010 at 2:43 pm

“He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.”

How does a person do that? How does a husband ask a wife to “just tolerate the affair”?

Newt: I’m having an affair with another woman.

Wife: I want you out of the house and I want a divorce.

Newt: Ummm, sorry, no can do. And, I have one tiny favor ask you…

Wife: What is it?

Newt: Can you keep this whole thing quiet? Maybe you won’t mind it so much after you get used to it.

Bearbloke August 10, 2010 at 2:45 pm

[re=635886]I Heart Accuracy[/re]: Which wife? This wife, or one of the others who wasted years of their lives with this worthless hypocrite who pontificates on the sanctity of one-man-one-woman marriage…

FMA August 10, 2010 at 2:46 pm

[re=635896]Serolf Divad[/re]: And grifters. Don’t forget the grifting. And the sociopathy.

BlueStateLiberal August 10, 2010 at 2:48 pm

He’s even nuttier than I thought.

bureaucrap August 10, 2010 at 2:49 pm

“I know it’s mine and I have to go find it. That’s how I live my life.”

The mere fact that the cookie “belongs” to someone else is of no import whatsoever.

freakishlystrong August 10, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Did awful Newt’s wife ever have to go through the awful “stand by your man” press conference? Or did he manage to slither away with that one?

All the LSM ever says about him is that he’s an oxymoron, y’know an intellectual conservative.

comicbookguy August 10, 2010 at 2:49 pm

She was a Jaguar and that car is too fancy for me. Plus, it’s always in the shop.

ella August 10, 2010 at 2:50 pm

I bet it’s an all-white, all-vanilla cookie.

Cape Clod August 10, 2010 at 2:50 pm

[re=635876]BklynIlluminati[/re]: Cognitive dissonance doesn’t quite cover it. This borders on a sociopathic sense of self entitlement.

Extemporanus August 10, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Newt Gingrich has a chocolate chip on his shoulder.

Sharkey August 10, 2010 at 2:53 pm

‘I can’t handle a Jaguar right now.’ He said that many times. ‘All I want is a Chevrolet.’

‘Hummers are also very nice. And everybody knows Cougars don’t play well with Jaguars. Just a simple gas guzzler will work.’

JMP August 10, 2010 at 2:56 pm

The cookie represents media attention, and he feels he’s entitled to it because the mainstream media always gives to him whenever he asks, despite the fact that he’s been irrelevant for over a decade now.

Mr Blifil August 10, 2010 at 2:56 pm

What is amazing to me, having encountered this dude on the sidewalks of Manhattan (outside the Fox Studios), is how scrupulously people avoid mentioning how outrageously obese he has become. I don’t care what people do with their bodies, but he is waaay over 300 lbs. I think this aspect of his lifestyle should at least be noted and acknowledged by all sides.

SayItWithWookies August 10, 2010 at 2:57 pm

So he cheats on his various wives, he’s delusional about having a happy childhood, he’s delusional about the present, he believes he’s above the morality he expounds to others — basically he’s everything he accused Bill Clinton of being. Including, one presumes, unfit for office.

Extemporanus August 10, 2010 at 2:58 pm

[re=635879]Geogre[/re]: [re=635898]Pherge[/re]: Newt Gingrich’s book Who Moved My Cookie? taught me an amazing way to deal with change in my work and in my life.

In a word: “Crumble”.

[re=635925]ella[/re]: [re=635929]Extemporanus[/re]: Two sides of the same cookie!

The Greatest American hero August 10, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Newt’s obsessed with cookies and sugar-pies? Judging by his svelte appearance I would have never guess

Extemporanus August 10, 2010 at 3:01 pm

[re=635930]Sharkey[/re]: Whatever you do, don’t tease the panther.

DC Hates Me August 10, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Newt’s chance of being president is the same as polar bears moving to Georgia.

McDuff August 10, 2010 at 3:02 pm

[re=635908]germansteel[/re]: Like Pastor’s Kids (PKs) — turn out just like the old man or completely addicted or assholey.

Hart88 August 10, 2010 at 3:03 pm

What is he doing to that poor dog?

Rosie Scenario August 10, 2010 at 3:05 pm

[re=635932]Mr Blifil[/re]: Damn straight. The polar bear in the photo — full grown!

Vera Severa August 10, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Why do you keep using the same tired picture of this tired politician. Are you trying to make us bored of Newt Gingrich?

BklynIlluminati August 10, 2010 at 3:10 pm

[re=635927]Cape Clod[/re]: Oh and don’t forget the giant narcissism cookie either. Newtie is a total case study with pictures and graphs in Psychology Today.

Oblios Cap August 10, 2010 at 3:11 pm

[re=635908]germansteel[/re]:

bite me.

Katydid August 10, 2010 at 3:12 pm

/snark off

[re=635912]Cliff Poncier[/re]: When my (now) ex-husband told me he was having an affair, he told me, “I want you both.” He said that with a straight, earnest face. If I didn’t kill him then, I’ll never kill anybody, and I didn’t kill him then. What some people will say (and do) to their spouses is just amazing.

Ducksworthy August 10, 2010 at 3:18 pm

[re=635947]Hart88[/re]: Crouching there with a tube of Surgilube. Disgusting. Bad Newtie!

comicbookguy August 10, 2010 at 3:19 pm

As a child I turned to food as a substitute for a mother’s love.

As an adult I turned to food as a substitute for winning elections.

widget09 August 10, 2010 at 3:24 pm

[re=635947]Hart88[/re]: You sure that’s a dog, it kinda looks like a baby polar bear.

BlueStateLiberal August 10, 2010 at 3:25 pm

[re=635956]Katydid[/re]: I hope you at least hit him over the head with a frying pan. Hard.

Guppy06 August 10, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Other than jokes involving “eating cream pies,” this man is the poster child of diabetic shut-ints worldwide. The man is obviously still mentally 10 years old, which likely triggers the motherhood instinct in his series of wives.

Is this the first Speaker in the history of the United States to move directly from his mother’s basement to the House of Representatives?

Toomush Infermashun August 10, 2010 at 3:39 pm

[re=635896]Serolf Divad[/re]: “I’ve just realized” – Serolf, it’s a good thing the Right doesn’t have a patent on lying…

FMA August 10, 2010 at 3:40 pm

[re=635956]Katydid[/re]: Jesus, was he fucking my ex-wife?

Katydid August 10, 2010 at 3:50 pm

[re=636009]FMA[/re]: He was fucking someone’s ex-wife, that’s all I know.

[re=635978]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: My ex is such a bastard that he wouldn’t have taken the beating he had coming to him without calling the cops on me, even though he’s 9 inches taller than me. A fuck is a fuck is a fuck. He needs to be served a heavily salted bag of poisoned rat dicks daily, for the rest of his self-serving, cookie-eating, skirt-chasing, miserable life. But I’m over it. Ha ha ha.

Toomush Infermashun August 10, 2010 at 3:58 pm

[re=636025]Katydid[/re]: I can see your newfound personal calmness and acceptance comes from your embrace of Aqua Buddha…

Sharkey August 10, 2010 at 4:04 pm

[re=636025]Katydid[/re]: I represent a high-profile client who is interested in dating you. Look for a txtmsg from “Amphibian Grinch”.

Long Form Def Certificate August 10, 2010 at 4:14 pm

[re=635912]Cliff Poncier[/re]: He was just asking for an OPEN MARRIAGE & trying to make their union “SEX POSITIVE”.

Newt was ahead of his time. Dan Savage should recognize Ol’ Newton Leroy as a visionary.

ManchuCandidate August 10, 2010 at 4:41 pm

By the time he was fifteen, Gingrich dedicated his life, he says, “to understanding what it takes for a free people to survive.”

Lots of relatives, lots of complexity, lots of sugar pies, when I could talk my aunt and grandmother into making them.

Correction: By the time he was fifteen, Gingrich dedicated his life, he says, “to understanding what it takes for a free people to survive and give me lots of sugar pies.”

Bearbloke August 10, 2010 at 4:57 pm

[re=636093]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Except in Newt’s case, ‘sugar pies’ was a euphemism for something he could find in his aunt’s and grandmother’s adult diapers…

TheWaltonFirm August 10, 2010 at 5:09 pm

[re=635908]germansteel[/re]: My mom turned out ok

Neilist August 10, 2010 at 5:23 pm

“By the time he was eighteen, he was dating his high school geometry teacher. He married her a year later, when he was nineteen and she was twenty-six.”

This is the first, and ideally, only time I have felt anything close to respect for This Asswipe.

[Although, she probably was a Woof-Woof.]

schvitzatura August 10, 2010 at 6:39 pm

What a Proustian cliché…still, some easy political skulduggery could involve wrecking his debates appearances by pumping in sugar pie aroma key points.

He’d regress and shart himself, with a dreamy blissed-out look on his big ‘ol moonface, fo sho.

NYNYNY August 10, 2010 at 6:41 pm

Sugar pie? Yum Yum Yum. My grandmamas recipe: Frozen piecrust, add one bag of sugar, put sliced apples on the top, bake for 1 hour, or until the air is too thick to breath. Remove sliced apples and put them in compost. Let pie cool. Serves 1 growing boy.

Surfeit O'Hubris August 10, 2010 at 6:44 pm

[re=635932]Mr Blifil[/re]: Yeah, he’s been on Jon Stewart’s show a few times in recent years, and I’ve been impressed with what an enormous, massive gray blob he is. I felt Jon was way too respectful, but maybe he’s afraid of being sat on.

momus August 10, 2010 at 6:58 pm

There’s only one cure for Presidential fever, embalming fluid. We can only hope.

Rotundo August 10, 2010 at 7:06 pm

[re=636124]Neilist[/re]: Read the article it is golden. He was 16 when the affair with the teacher started (wife 1) When asked how he could make a speech preaching about morals and ethics and flew home to his wife who he just asked for a divorce: “It doesn’t matter what I do,” he answered. “People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.” The core belief of every self righteous winger who has ever fucked up.

ladymacbeth August 10, 2010 at 9:39 pm

i thought world domination in the sweets world was represented by a milk shake.

Jukesgrrl August 10, 2010 at 10:28 pm

[re=635908]germansteel[/re]: I thought Army brats all turned out to be actors.

[re=635998]Guppy06[/re]: On the other hand, Dennis Hastert was the first Speaker in the history of the United States to move directly from House of Representatives TO his mother’s basement.

Starrigavan August 10, 2010 at 10:31 pm

Modern Conservatism, it’s morals for others.

Let’s all get obsessed about abortion, even us men, who can’t have abortions. Got to worry about other people. They might be sinning…

Let’s all get obsessed about homosexuals, even us straight men who aren’t even attractive to gay men. Got to worry about what those gay men are doing. They might be having fun…

I hope they run this over and over and over and over and over and over every single time some fat, republican, hypocrite mentions anything about god, morals, religion or buttsecks.

Over and over and over again…

ejreed August 10, 2010 at 10:58 pm

Maxine Waters is in trouble herself right now but here’s what she had to say about the Newt on the house floor in 1995 when he was likewise having ethical violation problems. Not including wives or hypocrisy.
http://www.newslook.com/videos/236032-rep-maxine-waters-on-newt-gingrich-1995?autoplay=true

scallywag August 11, 2010 at 11:49 am

Is the same guy who describes his idea of a relationship between his second ex wife and girlfriend at the time as a trade in for Jaguar for a Chevrolet?

What’s he willing to trade the nation in for I wonder?

http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2010/08/newt-gingrinch-wants-to-tell-you-that-hes-a-jack-ass/

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: