Newt Gingrich Just Wants America To Give Him Cookies

 
 What's it like being hateful and desperately doing anything to give yourself enough support for a presidential run? "I wake up in the morning and I know that somewhere there's a cookie. I don't know where it is but I know it's mine and I have to go find it. That's how I live my life. My life is amazingly filled with fun." Newt Gingrich, folks. Yes, there are many fun tidbits in this sad article about this terrible human being.

By the time he was fifteen, Gingrich dedicated his life, he says, "to understanding what it takes for a free people to survive." By the time he was eighteen, he was dating his high school geometry teacher. He married her a year later, when he was nineteen and she was twenty-six.

Hot! It turns out his childhood was pretty terrible in general, but:

It sounds like a complicated childhood, I say.

"It was fabulous."

Fabulous?

"Lots of relatives, lots of complexity, lots of sugar pies, when I could talk my aunt and grandmother into making them. They had an old-fashioned cast-iron stove where you cut wood..."

Just as Ronald Reagan created an idealized version of an America that never quite existed, so has Newt. And just as Reagan curated a fantasy version of his own life, so, too, has Newt.

Aren't you sugarcoating it a little bit?

"What do you mean?"

It sounds like a troubled domestic situation.

"It's troubled if you decide that's what it is."

There are details about Newt's affair when he was in office:

She kind of guessed it, of course. Women usually do. But did she know the woman was in her apartment, eating off her plates, sleeping in her bed?

She called a minister they both trusted. He came over to the house the next day and worked with them the whole weekend, but Gingrich just kept saying she was a Jaguar and all he wanted was a Chevrolet. " 'I can't handle a Jaguar right now.' He said that many times. 'All I want is a Chevrolet.' "

He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.

He'd just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he'd given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.

Interesting! Also interesting: Newt Gingrich divorces his wives when they're in the hospital with life-threatening diseases. And his organizations and money-making schemes since leaving office are pretty shady. Fun!

Time to give this man our presidency cookie. [ Esquire ]