Newt Gingrich Just Wants America To Give Him Cookies

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Newt with his latest wife.What’s it like being hateful and desperately doing anything to give yourself enough support for a presidential run? “I wake up in the morning and I know that somewhere there’s a cookie. I don’t know where it is but I know it’s mine and I have to go find it. That’s how I live my life. My life is amazingly filled with fun.” Newt Gingrich, folks. Yes, there are many fun tidbits in this sad article about this terrible human being.

By the time he was fifteen, Gingrich dedicated his life, he says, “to understanding what it takes for a free people to survive.” By the time he was eighteen, he was dating his high school geometry teacher. He married her a year later, when he was nineteen and she was twenty-six.

Hot! It turns out his childhood was pretty terrible in general, but:

It sounds like a complicated childhood, I say.

“It was fabulous.”


“Lots of relatives, lots of complexity, lots of sugar pies, when I could talk my aunt and grandmother into making them. They had an old-fashioned cast-iron stove where you cut wood…”

Just as Ronald Reagan created an idealized version of an America that never quite existed, so has Newt. And just as Reagan curated a fantasy version of his own life, so, too, has Newt.

Aren’t you sugarcoating it a little bit?

“What do you mean?”

It sounds like a troubled domestic situation.

Sponsored Intermission

“It’s troubled if you decide that’s what it is.”

There are details about Newt’s affair when he was in office:

She kind of guessed it, of course. Women usually do. But did she know the woman was in her apartment, eating off her plates, sleeping in her bed?

She called a minister they both trusted. He came over to the house the next day and worked with them the whole weekend, but Gingrich just kept saying she was a Jaguar and all he wanted was a Chevrolet. ” ‘I can’t handle a Jaguar right now.’ He said that many times. ‘All I want is a Chevrolet.’ ”

He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.

He’d just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he’d given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.

Interesting! Also interesting: Newt Gingrich divorces his wives when they’re in the hospital with life-threatening diseases. And his organizations and money-making schemes since leaving office are pretty shady. Fun!

Time to give this man our presidency cookie. [Esquire]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • steverino247

    I hear they have cookies on the Dark Side, so Newt has enough to last already.

  • BklynIlluminati


    somebody make sure Newt’s picture gets plastered here

  • madtowngooner

    Is there anything more gross than this pic of Newt showing off his camel toe?

  • Geogre

    Somewhere there is a cookie, and it’s his?

    So, Newt is saying that he has felt entitled, all his life, to the cookies of others?

    And if that cookie is down your blouse, or up your skirt, or in your trousers, Newt is still going to get it, and eat it? I really don’t like Newt.

  • I Heart Accuracy

    Our common hope: the wife responded to process service with a gurney cookie.

  • Come here a minute

    Cookies and sugar pies … could it be that Newt is furiously trying to lose some of his massive excess weight for the 2012 campaign? Just eat the damn pies and cookies, Newt, and leave America the hell alone.

  • Autochthon
  • Serolf Divad

    I’ve just realized that for all their high-minded talk of God, values and morality, the Right wing is mostly populated by some of the most cynical nihilists imaginable. (And no, I don’t exclude the rank and file)

  • bureaucrap

    Does this mean that his new official wonkette nickname is “cookie monster”? I would think so.

  • Pherge

    Dude’s obsessed with cookies. Joan Didion wrote a profile of him in the 90’s and he talked about waking up as a kid, convinced someone had hidden a cookie for him somewhere in the house.

  • gurukalehuru

    Rich Wing Gent

    Reich wnng git

  • Ducksworthy

    Here’s your presidency cookie Newtie, fresh from the horse’s patootie.

  • Business Pyjamas

    I call photoshop tomfoolery. No way Newt is that thin.

  • madtowngooner

    OT, but Uncle Ted is dead. Today, we are all a series of Tubes

  • germansteel

    Once you learn that he was an Army brat, you know all you need to know about why he is the way he is. I never met one that turned out to be worth a shit in life or didn’t have a personality disorder.

  • J

    It looks like he’s found and devoured every fucking cookie ever made by the National Biscuit Co.

  • Cliff Poncier

    “He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.”

    How does a person do that? How does a husband ask a wife to “just tolerate the affair”?

    Newt: I’m having an affair with another woman.

    Wife: I want you out of the house and I want a divorce.

    Newt: Ummm, sorry, no can do. And, I have one tiny favor ask you…

    Wife: What is it?

    Newt: Can you keep this whole thing quiet? Maybe you won’t mind it so much after you get used to it.

  • Bearbloke

    [re=635886]I Heart Accuracy[/re]: Which wife? This wife, or one of the others who wasted years of their lives with this worthless hypocrite who pontificates on the sanctity of one-man-one-woman marriage…

  • FMA

    [re=635896]Serolf Divad[/re]: And grifters. Don’t forget the grifting. And the sociopathy.

  • BlueStateLiberal

    He’s even nuttier than I thought.

  • bureaucrap

    “I know it’s mine and I have to go find it. That’s how I live my life.”

    The mere fact that the cookie “belongs” to someone else is of no import whatsoever.

  • freakishlystrong

    Did awful Newt’s wife ever have to go through the awful “stand by your man” press conference? Or did he manage to slither away with that one?

    All the LSM ever says about him is that he’s an oxymoron, y’know an intellectual conservative.

  • comicbookguy

    She was a Jaguar and that car is too fancy for me. Plus, it’s always in the shop.

  • ella

    I bet it’s an all-white, all-vanilla cookie.

  • Cape Clod

    [re=635876]BklynIlluminati[/re]: Cognitive dissonance doesn’t quite cover it. This borders on a sociopathic sense of self entitlement.

  • Extemporanus

    Newt Gingrich has a chocolate chip on his shoulder.

  • Sharkey

    ‘I can’t handle a Jaguar right now.’ He said that many times. ‘All I want is a Chevrolet.’

    ‘Hummers are also very nice. And everybody knows Cougars don’t play well with Jaguars. Just a simple gas guzzler will work.’

  • JMP

    The cookie represents media attention, and he feels he’s entitled to it because the mainstream media always gives to him whenever he asks, despite the fact that he’s been irrelevant for over a decade now.

  • Mr Blifil

    What is amazing to me, having encountered this dude on the sidewalks of Manhattan (outside the Fox Studios), is how scrupulously people avoid mentioning how outrageously obese he has become. I don’t care what people do with their bodies, but he is waaay over 300 lbs. I think this aspect of his lifestyle should at least be noted and acknowledged by all sides.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So he cheats on his various wives, he’s delusional about having a happy childhood, he’s delusional about the present, he believes he’s above the morality he expounds to others — basically he’s everything he accused Bill Clinton of being. Including, one presumes, unfit for office.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=635879]Geogre[/re]: [re=635898]Pherge[/re]: Newt Gingrich’s book Who Moved My Cookie? taught me an amazing way to deal with change in my work and in my life.

    In a word: “Crumble”.

    [re=635925]ella[/re]: [re=635929]Extemporanus[/re]: Two sides of the same cookie!

  • The Greatest American hero

    Newt’s obsessed with cookies and sugar-pies? Judging by his svelte appearance I would have never guess

  • Extemporanus

    [re=635930]Sharkey[/re]: Whatever you do, don’t tease the panther.

  • DC Hates Me

    Newt’s chance of being president is the same as polar bears moving to Georgia.

  • McDuff

    [re=635908]germansteel[/re]: Like Pastor’s Kids (PKs) — turn out just like the old man or completely addicted or assholey.

  • Hart88

    What is he doing to that poor dog?

  • Rosie Scenario

    [re=635932]Mr Blifil[/re]: Damn straight. The polar bear in the photo — full grown!

  • Vera Severa

    Why do you keep using the same tired picture of this tired politician. Are you trying to make us bored of Newt Gingrich?

  • BklynIlluminati

    [re=635927]Cape Clod[/re]: Oh and don’t forget the giant narcissism cookie either. Newtie is a total case study with pictures and graphs in Psychology Today.

  • Oblios Cap


    bite me.

  • Katydid

    /snark off

    [re=635912]Cliff Poncier[/re]: When my (now) ex-husband told me he was having an affair, he told me, “I want you both.” He said that with a straight, earnest face. If I didn’t kill him then, I’ll never kill anybody, and I didn’t kill him then. What some people will say (and do) to their spouses is just amazing.

  • Ducksworthy

    [re=635947]Hart88[/re]: Crouching there with a tube of Surgilube. Disgusting. Bad Newtie!

  • comicbookguy

    As a child I turned to food as a substitute for a mother’s love.

    As an adult I turned to food as a substitute for winning elections.

  • widget09

    [re=635947]Hart88[/re]: You sure that’s a dog, it kinda looks like a baby polar bear.

  • BlueStateLiberal

    [re=635956]Katydid[/re]: I hope you at least hit him over the head with a frying pan. Hard.

  • Guppy06

    Other than jokes involving “eating cream pies,” this man is the poster child of diabetic shut-ints worldwide. The man is obviously still mentally 10 years old, which likely triggers the motherhood instinct in his series of wives.

    Is this the first Speaker in the history of the United States to move directly from his mother’s basement to the House of Representatives?

  • Toomush Infermashun

    [re=635896]Serolf Divad[/re]: “I’ve just realized” – Serolf, it’s a good thing the Right doesn’t have a patent on lying…

  • FMA

    [re=635956]Katydid[/re]: Jesus, was he fucking my ex-wife?

  • Katydid

    [re=636009]FMA[/re]: He was fucking someone’s ex-wife, that’s all I know.

    [re=635978]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: My ex is such a bastard that he wouldn’t have taken the beating he had coming to him without calling the cops on me, even though he’s 9 inches taller than me. A fuck is a fuck is a fuck. He needs to be served a heavily salted bag of poisoned rat dicks daily, for the rest of his self-serving, cookie-eating, skirt-chasing, miserable life. But I’m over it. Ha ha ha.

  • Toomush Infermashun

    [re=636025]Katydid[/re]: I can see your newfound personal calmness and acceptance comes from your embrace of Aqua Buddha…

  • Sharkey

    [re=636025]Katydid[/re]: I represent a high-profile client who is interested in dating you. Look for a txtmsg from “Amphibian Grinch”.

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=635912]Cliff Poncier[/re]: He was just asking for an OPEN MARRIAGE & trying to make their union “SEX POSITIVE”.

    Newt was ahead of his time. Dan Savage should recognize Ol’ Newton Leroy as a visionary.

  • ManchuCandidate

    By the time he was fifteen, Gingrich dedicated his life, he says, “to understanding what it takes for a free people to survive.”

    Lots of relatives, lots of complexity, lots of sugar pies, when I could talk my aunt and grandmother into making them.

    Correction: By the time he was fifteen, Gingrich dedicated his life, he says, “to understanding what it takes for a free people to survive and give me lots of sugar pies.”

  • Bearbloke

    [re=636093]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Except in Newt’s case, ‘sugar pies’ was a euphemism for something he could find in his aunt’s and grandmother’s adult diapers…

  • TheWaltonFirm

    [re=635908]germansteel[/re]: My mom turned out ok

  • Neilist

    “By the time he was eighteen, he was dating his high school geometry teacher. He married her a year later, when he was nineteen and she was twenty-six.”

    This is the first, and ideally, only time I have felt anything close to respect for This Asswipe.

    [Although, she probably was a Woof-Woof.]

  • schvitzatura

    What a Proustian cliché…still, some easy political skulduggery could involve wrecking his debates appearances by pumping in sugar pie aroma key points.

    He’d regress and shart himself, with a dreamy blissed-out look on his big ‘ol moonface, fo sho.


    Sugar pie? Yum Yum Yum. My grandmamas recipe: Frozen piecrust, add one bag of sugar, put sliced apples on the top, bake for 1 hour, or until the air is too thick to breath. Remove sliced apples and put them in compost. Let pie cool. Serves 1 growing boy.

  • Surfeit O’Hubris

    [re=635932]Mr Blifil[/re]: Yeah, he’s been on Jon Stewart’s show a few times in recent years, and I’ve been impressed with what an enormous, massive gray blob he is. I felt Jon was way too respectful, but maybe he’s afraid of being sat on.

  • momus

    There’s only one cure for Presidential fever, embalming fluid. We can only hope.

  • Rotundo

    [re=636124]Neilist[/re]: Read the article it is golden. He was 16 when the affair with the teacher started (wife 1) When asked how he could make a speech preaching about morals and ethics and flew home to his wife who he just asked for a divorce: “It doesn’t matter what I do,” he answered. “People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.” The core belief of every self righteous winger who has ever fucked up.

  • ladymacbeth

    i thought world domination in the sweets world was represented by a milk shake.

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=635908]germansteel[/re]: I thought Army brats all turned out to be actors.

    [re=635998]Guppy06[/re]: On the other hand, Dennis Hastert was the first Speaker in the history of the United States to move directly from House of Representatives TO his mother’s basement.

  • Starrigavan

    Modern Conservatism, it’s morals for others.

    Let’s all get obsessed about abortion, even us men, who can’t have abortions. Got to worry about other people. They might be sinning…

    Let’s all get obsessed about homosexuals, even us straight men who aren’t even attractive to gay men. Got to worry about what those gay men are doing. They might be having fun…

    I hope they run this over and over and over and over and over and over every single time some fat, republican, hypocrite mentions anything about god, morals, religion or buttsecks.

    Over and over and over again…

  • ejreed

    Maxine Waters is in trouble herself right now but here’s what she had to say about the Newt on the house floor in 1995 when he was likewise having ethical violation problems. Not including wives or hypocrisy.

  • scallywag

    Is the same guy who describes his idea of a relationship between his second ex wife and girlfriend at the time as a trade in for Jaguar for a Chevrolet?

    What’s he willing to trade the nation in for I wonder?