TED STEVENS DEAD (Update: Or Not, Who Knows)

 
 America's greatest senator has perished in the usual terrible way of politicians in planes over Alaska, according to the local teevee news in Anchorage. Sarah Palin has pledged to stop Muslims from building a mosque at the site of the tragic crash.

David Denby is crying and masturbating furiously, somewhere near the World Trade Center site. Levi Johnston has been named provisional Senate Pro Tem/Jesus Pope of Alaska.

This is pretty much all the news, except for the now-forgotten Jobs Bill, which will be defeated in honor of Ted Stevens' life of Fiscal Conservatism and Small Government Values. [ KTTU ]