TED STEVENS DEAD (Update: Or Not, Who Knows)

  rip alaska's robert byrd

RIP, Ted.America’s greatest senator has perished in the usual terrible way of politicians in planes over Alaska, according to the local teevee news in Anchorage. Sarah Palin has pledged to stop Muslims from building a mosque at the site of the tragic crash.

David Denby is crying and masturbating furiously, somewhere near the World Trade Center site. Levi Johnston has been named provisional Senate Pro Tem/Jesus Pope of Alaska.

This is pretty much all the news, except for the now-forgotten Jobs Bill, which will be defeated in honor of Ted Stevens’ life of Fiscal Conservatism and Small Government Values. [KTTU]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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109 comments

  1. Ted Kennedy Breakdancing

    I was crying and my stomach hurt when I heard this news.

    Then I shit.

    Now I’m back to more appropriate laughs.

  2. ? ev'rything

    Now, that’s just mean. Surely, you could be pokin’ fun at a really clueless, class less, “merkin” HEE HEE (Google it or Wikipedia search it) like Sarah Palin.
    R.I.P., Uncle Ted.

  3. KilgoreTrout_XL

    For all the times I laughed at it, a “series of tubes” is kind of an appropriate metaphor. Sorry Ted.

  4. samsuncle

    I will always remember him for explaining how the internet works in a way that I could understand.

  5. just pixels

    I call foul. He may have been silly and easy to ridicule, but the man died. We can disrespect him in life and still respect him in death.

  6. Prommie

    [re=635662]CrunchyKnee[/re]: Now thats good, that right there. Brevity is the soul of wit and all that, too.

  7. Doglessliberal

    Kennedy, Byrd, and Stevens within a year. Olds in the Senate need to watch their backs (I am talking to you, Inouye…)

  8. slappypaddy

    [re=635681]just pixels[/re]: hail, mary, mother of god, the nation has lost its foremost former half-senator. weeping, gnashing of teeth, and tearing of hair will be followed by cocktails in the doo-dah room.

  9. Sgt. Biyatch

    [re=635681]just pixels[/re]: He wasn’t just silly and easy to ridicule, he was a corrupt, mean-spirited s.o.b. who abused his power at the expense of non-Alaskans. I’ll not mourn his loss. And I don’t feel the need to respect him in death.

  10. Prommie

    [re=635681]just pixels[/re]: Hey now, dying isn’t some special accomplishment that merits respect, its like having kids, every damn fool can do it, and will.

  11. edgydrifter

    RIP? No, fuck that. He was a terrible person and embodied the very worst elements of our political class–arrogant, defiantly ignorant and over-entitled. Unrest In Pieces, or whatever the opposite of peaceful rest is to him says I.

  12. RoscoePColtraine

    And the world became 0.000000000000876% less cranky.

    [re=635662]CrunchyKnee[/re]: Fucking awesome.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    He lived a long life and probably had no regrets. For all his corruption and antagonism he was a part of Alaska’s history, having been there from statehood on. Condolences to his friends and family.

  14. slothbear

    After Stevens gave his farewell speech, Byrd said, “May all the roads that you have built, Ted, rise up to meet you.” I don’t think he meant that in a literal sense…

    Regardless, they don’t make Senators like they used to.

  15. Zadig

    [re=635681]just pixels[/re]: Not that I think we should pull our punches for Zombie Ted Stevens, of all people, but the snark in this piece is pretty low-key. Take your righteous indignation somewhere it matters, which is probably not Wonkette.

    ALTERNATELY: You know who else died?

  16. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Hey Stevens had problems, but a Scrooge like mentality towards his constituents wasn’t one of them. He made sure every single Alaskan got fat and happy off all that northern oil, so let’s give him a little love.

  17. queeraselvis v 2.0

    I’m not breaking out the champagne and pop-tarts until I hear that Dick Cheney has finally snuffed it. RIP, Ted, you sorry bastard.

  18. Golfing OJ

    I miss him already. There just aren’t a whole lot of utterly corrupt scumbags to hate these days. It’s as if a giant dogshit stain is gone forever. Snif.

  19. Gorillionaire

    Man, the military industrial complex is pretty ruthless when they “wellstone” one of their own.

  20. I Heart Accuracy

    With contractors. Check. And government employees. Check. On a corporate plane. Check. To a resort. Check. Situation Stevens-normal.

  21. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=635694]Prommie[/re]: What you’re saying is, we will all have to cross that great bridge to nowhere someday?

  22. Vera Severa

    Dig deeper, Wonkette. This has all the earmarks of a CIA bag job. Or maybe the Mossad. If there’s any difference.

  23. chascates

    Sarah Palin has neither Facebooked nor Twittered this so I’m assuming she hated Ted Stevens, former military pilots, and all people who have served in Washington. Until I hear differently from her.

  24. Guppy06

    [re=635703]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Northern oil? No no, Ted Stevens’ entire career was based on fleecing the other 49.

  25. Work in Progress

    As the internet is not a dump truck, please do not clog the series of tubes which connect Senator Ted Stevens’ house to the www Dot InformationSuperHighway Dot Com with the news that the former senator is dead via plane crash in Alaska. This is disrespectful.

  26. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=635711]Doglessliberal[/re]: Presumably when some enterprising sort pushes him headfirst into a baptismal dunk tank. Or, failing that, when Robert Gibbs takes up his lightsaber and slices Cheney half in two.

  27. Mad Farmer Manifest

    One of the last great Republican “moderate” Senators from the West. Moderate, that is, unless you are talking about the environment or workers; then it was drill, cut, mine, slash, hack, spray, and let those cows shit in the stream.

    In honor of Ted, I will spend the rest of the day systematically fouling every body of water I come across, for profit. Any of you fuckers have some used motor oil I can dump or a forest I can clearcut in the most brutal possible way?

  28. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=635711]Doglessliberal[/re]: I think you have to drive a stake through his heart and burn the remains. Classic vampire kill methods are required (not the stupid shiny emo vampires).

    I would also accept “Find and destroy his phylactery.”

  29. Oblios Cap

    [re=635739]Vera Severa[/re]:

    It has the MO of a George H.W. Bush dustoff. Ted must have dissed the Idiot and Daddy took umbrage.

  30. Extemporanus

    I’d like to dedicate this song to the dearly departed Theodore Fulton Stevens:

    “Heaven is a Truck”

    Godspeed, hulking hero of Hotlaska! May the tubes rise to meet you, and may the wind break forever at your back!

  31. mumblyjoe

    Would it be in terribly poor taste to try and pass a Ted Stevens Climate Change and/or Net Neutrality bill? Because I think this might be a good idea.

    [re=635690]Doglessliberal[/re]: Let’s not even joke about that. I was reading Inouye’s wiki-war-history, and it seriously read like the biography of a true, two-fisted badass. Truth is, I’m not entirely sure death could take him, if it tried. I mean, it did already try, that one time, and all it got was the arm and a whole bunch of Nazis.

  32. bamaboy

    How many pallbearers in an Alaska politician’s funeral?

    Two.

    Only two handles on a garbage can.

  33. Maus

    [re=635681]just pixels[/re]: “the man died. We can disrespect him in life and still respect him in death.”

    He died doing what he did best in life, lobbying.

  34. lawrenceofthedesert

    If he didn’t bounce off this crash like he did in ’78, Ted died like a hippie: looking for a place to crash.

  35. Miss Kublik

    Ohhh, some cable newser had a forensic pathologist on to explain why it takes extra time to identify airplane crash victims. Lots of helpful info jam-packed into 90 seconds.

  36. Broken Malice Machine

    [re=635704]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Yes when Cheney is on red alert for the train to slab city I’ll begin drinking beer alternated with water on my flight to Wyoming….I’ll want to be full and ready to create a torrential downpour as my way of saying “RIP Dickface you authoritarin monster” when I land…

    As for Ted Stevens, I can offer a fitting eulogy, ahem “When he was alive his nonstop bitterness and disregard for any man who didn’t fuck alaskan brown bears was palpable. That he aided in the rise of Sarah Palin was a corruption of the soul. His conscience was soiled just like John Boehner’s shorts when he spies bronzer on sale. He was one of many wingnuts who could insist upon forcing his phony religious morality upon others, while having none of his own. He helped spoil his state by allowing oil companies to turn it from natural splendor into a honeycomb…he was an asshole, a wingnut and most of all, an Alaskan. RIP you corrupt grizzly bear raper…”

  37. WIDTAP

    Channel 2 up in Alaska now saying sources have not confirmed. It’s the Franken-Coleman planewreck all over again.

  38. steverino247

    [re=635883]Miss Kublik[/re]: Duh, the parts are all over the fucking place.

    [re=635812]mumblyjoe[/re]: No shit! Inouye was one bad mutha in combat.

    Inouye, Daniel K.

    Rank and organization: Second Lieutenant, U.S. Army, Company E, 442nd Infantry. Place and date: San Terenzo, Italy, 21 April 1945. Birth: 7 September 1924, Honolulu, Hawaii. Entered service at: Honolulu, Hawaii.

    Citation:
    Second Lieutenant Daniel K. Inouye distinguished himself by extraordinary heroism in action on 21 April 1945, in the vicinity of San Terenzo, Italy. While attacking a defended ridge guarding an important road junction, Second Lieutenant Inouye skillfully directed his platoon through a hail of automatic weapon and small arms fire, in a swift enveloping movement that resulted in the capture of an artillery and mortar post and brought his men to within 40 yards of the hostile force. Emplaced in bunkers and rock formations, the enemy halted the advance with crossfire from three machine guns. With complete disregard for his personal safety, Second Lieutenant Inouye crawled up the treacherous slope to within five yards of the nearest machine gun and hurled two grenades, destroying the emplacement. Before the enemy could retaliate, he stood up and neutralized a second machine gun nest. Although wounded by a sniper’s bullet, he continued to engage other hostile positions at close range until an exploding grenade shattered his right arm. Despite the intense pain, he refused evacuation and continued to direct his platoon until enemy resistance was broken and his men were again deployed in defensive positions. In the attack, 25 enemy soldiers were killed and eight others captured. By his gallant, aggressive tactics and by his indomitable leadership, Second Lieutenant Inouye enabled his platoon to advance through formidable resistance, and was instrumental in the capture of the ridge. Second Lieutenant Inouye’s extraordinary heroism and devotion to duty are in keeping with the highest traditions of military service and reflect great credit on him, his unit, and the United States Army.

  39. Long Form Def Certificate

    Net Neutrality will be overturned, in Stevens’s honour. (Just like renaming the Health Care Reform bill for Ted Kennedy!)

    The World’s Greatest Deliberative Body is nothing if not self-congratulatory.

    Seriously, though, it’s really nothing.

  40. Bearbloke

    [re=635697]SayItWithWookies[/re]: [re=635848]Maus[/re]: [re=635693]Sgt. Biyatch[/re]: Fuck all that wasted empathy and respect, mate! – his family knew what a turd he was and went along for the ride – hopefully, some honourable official will find a way to investigate the late Senator’s probable crimes, and dispossess his heirs…

  41. ImBarb

    Come on, Sarah! Dig deep and find a way to spin this into a me-me moment for yourself. Real Americans need you and your sage wisdom right now. Grab a few of your human-shield children, dress them in black and show up with a tater tot casserole, wearing the biggest fucking corsage you can find.

  42. chascates

    Sean O’Keefe and son Jonathan survive Alaska plane crash. Broken bones but survivable. O’Keefe, 54, was leading EADS’s bid to win a hotly contested competition to build a new generation of aerial tankers for the U.S. military, one of the biggest Pentagon contracts ever.

  43. SayItWithWookies

    [re=635926]Bearbloke[/re]: Eh — it’s not worth it to hate him — I’m saving that up for Cheney, Dubya, Rove, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Feith, Bybee, Condi and maybe a few others. As evil shits go, he might be pretty high up the list in the normal countries, but he couldn’t get arrested shooting a boxful of puppies compared to the previous administration.

  44. Maus

    [re=635926]Bearbloke[/re]: Oh, I’m not worrying about that. It’s far more terrible that he had such a long, wasted life to begin with.

  45. GOPCrusher

    [re=635972]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Agreed. There are so many other people more deserving of my urine.

  46. BigDupa

    The pilot was distracted by his search for Putin rearing his ugly head into Alaskan air space.

  47. Bearbloke

    [re=635972]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Agreed… your last pack of misleaders were among the worst people ever – I was just hoping that some enterprising Demoncrap District Attorney would stop the late Senator from departing to Hell with his ill-gotten riches.

  48. Beowoof

    [re=635705]Golfing OJ[/re]: Come on there a plenty of corrupt dog shit stains. Sarah is a personal fav in the catagory, as is W, wow too many to mention.

  49. Sgt. Biyatch

    [re=636022]Bearbloke[/re]: I don’t begrudge Stevens’ family (at least the non-corrupt ones). Ho’s gotta eat, too.
    Also I agree that as corrupt a-hole politicians go, he’s not at the top of the list. Though, I suspect Cheney had a deal with the devil with a few more quid pro quos and provisos than Stevens did. Maybe John Yoo negotiated it for Cheney.

  50. alaskabeads

    The picture shown with this post gives me chills. The little girl in the picture is my daughter who died suddenly and unexpectedly last year.

  51. El Pinche

    This sucks. Now I can’t say , “Bill Hicks, George Carlin, etc are dead yet Ted Stevens still lives.”

  52. pat robertsons personal trainer

    [re=635741]chascates[/re]: no sarah shamelessly twatted one of her goofy offspring to report the news. “Heartbreaking Bristol Bay plane crash. Alaska’s heart surrounds loved ones. . . . [Alaska's cunt is yours truly.]” ok, i made up the last part.

  53. Rentboy.gov

    As Dorothy Parker said when informed of the death of Herbert Hoover, “How could they tell?”

  54. cold nuts

    I expect a post-mortem marketing campaign that would make Dale Earnhardt’s enbalmed corpse blush. You have to give Uncle Ted one thing: he was never afraid to climb back into an airplane.

  55. libwakman

    Hahaha “I call foul. He may have been silly and easy to ridicule, but the man died. We can disrespect him in life and still respect him in death.”
    Please to blow my liberal member.

  56. kenlayisalive_dot_org

    NPR reported he was on his way to a vacation at a cabin owned by … a telecommunications company! But they didn’t say WHICH telecommunications company. Stupid NPR. But graft – apparently it’s the gift that keeps on giving well after your constituents have kicked your ass out of the senate.

    Now, as the ex-senator passes into the afterworld through a series of tubes designed strictly for that purpose, we can all share either a laugh or an out-of-place grandstanding sentiment of how assholes need to be respected just because they are dead.

  57. ladymacbeth

    is everybody in alaska angry?

    why?

    though seriously, a plane crash just sucks and i live and fly twice a week in abject fear of it.

  58. cold nuts

    Yeah, stupid NPR, the Otter (airplane) was owned by telecommunications company GCI and those guys were always seriously into sucking Uncle Ted’s cheroot, now I wonder which way the liability chips will tumble. Somehow I suspect my cable bill is going up.

    The potential here for conspiracy-knobs is astronomical. . .current sitting U.S. Senator Mark Begich who “inherited” Steven’s seat is the son of U.S. Representative for Alaska Nick Begich who disappeared in an airplane flight along with Wade Boggs in 1972. . .Discovery Channel must be all over this shit

  59. rastignac

    [re=635745]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I wonder what was the last thing to go through Ted’s mind?

    The tray on the seat in front of him.

  60. Weeping Jesus

    [re=635741]chascates[/re]: Sarah Palin hung him out to dry when he was indicted and put on trial. When and if she dies, I’ll be surprised if you can find a handful of people who will tell you she made a difference. Like him or not, Stevens was the kind of senator any state would love to have fighting on its behalf.

  61. El Pinche

    Crunchyknee wins the day with “a series of tombs.” Short and sweet and makes you snort in quiet conf. calls (you fucker).

  62. Crazybroad

    [re=635972]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Let us not forget Murdock, Palin, Beck, Limbaugh, Bush Sr., the cast of “Jersey Shore” and Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Also.

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