RIP ALASKA'S ROBERT BYRD  12:47 pm August 10, 2010

TED STEVENS DEAD (Update: Or Not, Who Knows)

by Ken Layne

RIP, Ted.America’s greatest senator has perished in the usual terrible way of politicians in planes over Alaska, according to the local teevee news in Anchorage. Sarah Palin has pledged to stop Muslims from building a mosque at the site of the tragic crash.

David Denby is crying and masturbating furiously, somewhere near the World Trade Center site. Levi Johnston has been named provisional Senate Pro Tem/Jesus Pope of Alaska.

This is pretty much all the news, except for the now-forgotten Jobs Bill, which will be defeated in honor of Ted Stevens’ life of Fiscal Conservatism and Small Government Values. [KTTU]

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Ted Kennedy Breakdancing August 10, 2010 at 12:51 pm

I was crying and my stomach hurt when I heard this news.

Then I shit.

Now I’m back to more appropriate laughs.

weejee August 10, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Wuz Sarah wearing her Stevens Memorial Teddy?

CrunchyKnee August 10, 2010 at 12:54 pm

A series of tombs.

DonkeyPants August 10, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Now he’s on a bridge to nowhere in the sky.

Texan Bulldoggette August 10, 2010 at 12:55 pm

I got nothing…but RIP. Why is Charlie Rangel yammering on and on and on MSNBC??

? ev'rything August 10, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Now, that’s just mean. Surely, you could be pokin’ fun at a really clueless, class less, “merkin” HEE HEE (Google it or Wikipedia search it) like Sarah Palin.
R.I.P., Uncle Ted.

Limeylizzie August 10, 2010 at 12:58 pm

RIP Person with whom I had nothing in common.

KilgoreTrout_XL August 10, 2010 at 12:59 pm

For all the times I laughed at it, a “series of tubes” is kind of an appropriate metaphor. Sorry Ted.

samsuncle August 10, 2010 at 12:59 pm

I will always remember him for explaining how the internet works in a way that I could understand.

just pixels August 10, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I call foul. He may have been silly and easy to ridicule, but the man died. We can disrespect him in life and still respect him in death.

ms_mcgee August 10, 2010 at 1:01 pm

RIP, Anger Bear, and may the Hulk be with you:

Sgt. Biyatch August 10, 2010 at 1:01 pm

Veeco called. They want their massage chair back.

rambone August 10, 2010 at 1:01 pm

It’s funny because it’s true.

Prommie August 10, 2010 at 1:02 pm

[re=635662]CrunchyKnee[/re]: Now thats good, that right there. Brevity is the soul of wit and all that, too.

jus_wonderin August 10, 2010 at 1:02 pm

RiP, Ted. And others the perished on that flight.

Doglessliberal August 10, 2010 at 1:04 pm

Kennedy, Byrd, and Stevens within a year. Olds in the Senate need to watch their backs (I am talking to you, Inouye…)

slappypaddy August 10, 2010 at 1:04 pm

[re=635681]just pixels[/re]: hail, mary, mother of god, the nation has lost its foremost former half-senator. weeping, gnashing of teeth, and tearing of hair will be followed by cocktails in the doo-dah room.

Sgt. Biyatch August 10, 2010 at 1:06 pm

[re=635681]just pixels[/re]: He wasn’t just silly and easy to ridicule, he was a corrupt, mean-spirited s.o.b. who abused his power at the expense of non-Alaskans. I’ll not mourn his loss. And I don’t feel the need to respect him in death.

Prommie August 10, 2010 at 1:06 pm

[re=635681]just pixels[/re]: Hey now, dying isn’t some special accomplishment that merits respect, its like having kids, every damn fool can do it, and will.

edgydrifter August 10, 2010 at 1:06 pm

RIP? No, fuck that. He was a terrible person and embodied the very worst elements of our political class–arrogant, defiantly ignorant and over-entitled. Unrest In Pieces, or whatever the opposite of peaceful rest is to him says I.

RoscoePColtraine August 10, 2010 at 1:07 pm

And the world became 0.000000000000876% less cranky.

[re=635662]CrunchyKnee[/re]: Fucking awesome.

SayItWithWookies August 10, 2010 at 1:07 pm

He lived a long life and probably had no regrets. For all his corruption and antagonism he was a part of Alaska’s history, having been there from statehood on. Condolences to his friends and family.

slothbear August 10, 2010 at 1:09 pm

After Stevens gave his farewell speech, Byrd said, “May all the roads that you have built, Ted, rise up to meet you.” I don’t think he meant that in a literal sense…

Regardless, they don’t make Senators like they used to.

Zadig August 10, 2010 at 1:11 pm

[re=635681]just pixels[/re]: Not that I think we should pull our punches for Zombie Ted Stevens, of all people, but the snark in this piece is pretty low-key. Take your righteous indignation somewhere it matters, which is probably not Wonkette.

ALTERNATELY: You know who else died?

Manos: Hands of Fate August 10, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Hey Stevens had problems, but a Scrooge like mentality towards his constituents wasn’t one of them. He made sure every single Alaskan got fat and happy off all that northern oil, so let’s give him a little love.

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 10, 2010 at 1:11 pm

I’m not breaking out the champagne and pop-tarts until I hear that Dick Cheney has finally snuffed it. RIP, Ted, you sorry bastard.

Golfing OJ August 10, 2010 at 1:12 pm

I miss him already. There just aren’t a whole lot of utterly corrupt scumbags to hate these days. It’s as if a giant dogshit stain is gone forever. Snif.

Joshua Norton August 10, 2010 at 1:14 pm

I’m not up on my Alaska election codes. Does this preclude him from running again?

Doglessliberal August 10, 2010 at 1:16 pm

[re=635704]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: How will we know?

Gorillionaire August 10, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Man, the military industrial complex is pretty ruthless when they “wellstone” one of their own.

Zadig August 10, 2010 at 1:17 pm

[re=635705]Golfing OJ[/re]: That dogshit stain really gave the rug character.

I Heart Accuracy August 10, 2010 at 1:21 pm

With contractors. Check. And government employees. Check. On a corporate plane. Check. To a resort. Check. Situation Stevens-normal.

Golfing OJ August 10, 2010 at 1:21 pm

[re=635694]Prommie[/re]: Layne needs to hang up a “No HuffPo-ers” sign.

RoscoePColtraine August 10, 2010 at 1:23 pm

[re=635694]Prommie[/re]: What you’re saying is, we will all have to cross that great bridge to nowhere someday?

Vera Severa August 10, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Dig deeper, Wonkette. This has all the earmarks of a CIA bag job. Or maybe the Mossad. If there’s any difference.

chascates August 10, 2010 at 1:25 pm

Sarah Palin has neither Facebooked nor Twittered this so I’m assuming she hated Ted Stevens, former military pilots, and all people who have served in Washington. Until I hear differently from her.

Guppy06 August 10, 2010 at 1:25 pm

[re=635703]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Northern oil? No no, Ted Stevens’ entire career was based on fleecing the other 49.

Work in Progress August 10, 2010 at 1:26 pm

As the internet is not a dump truck, please do not clog the series of tubes which connect Senator Ted Stevens’ house to the www Dot InformationSuperHighway Dot Com with the news that the former senator is dead via plane crash in Alaska. This is disrespectful.

Dashboard_Buddha August 10, 2010 at 1:26 pm

I wonder what was the last thing to go through Ted’s mind?

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 10, 2010 at 1:27 pm

[re=635711]Doglessliberal[/re]: Presumably when some enterprising sort pushes him headfirst into a baptismal dunk tank. Or, failing that, when Robert Gibbs takes up his lightsaber and slices Cheney half in two.

Mad Farmer Manifest August 10, 2010 at 1:30 pm

One of the last great Republican “moderate” Senators from the West. Moderate, that is, unless you are talking about the environment or workers; then it was drill, cut, mine, slash, hack, spray, and let those cows shit in the stream.

In honor of Ted, I will spend the rest of the day systematically fouling every body of water I come across, for profit. Any of you fuckers have some used motor oil I can dump or a forest I can clearcut in the most brutal possible way?

Joshua Norton August 10, 2010 at 1:30 pm

[re=635745]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Nah. Too easy.

Doglessliberal August 10, 2010 at 1:30 pm

[re=635747]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: I don’t believe he can die.

Ted Kennedy Breakdancing August 10, 2010 at 1:31 pm

[re=635745]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Matlock?

ph7 August 10, 2010 at 1:34 pm

[re=635745]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: A propeller?

1,500lb goalie August 10, 2010 at 1:37 pm

Only the good die young.

Mad Farmer Manifest August 10, 2010 at 1:37 pm

[re=635711]Doglessliberal[/re]: I think you have to drive a stake through his heart and burn the remains. Classic vampire kill methods are required (not the stupid shiny emo vampires).

I would also accept “Find and destroy his phylactery.”

Mad Farmer Manifest August 10, 2010 at 1:38 pm

[re=635745]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: His ass.

Zadig August 10, 2010 at 1:38 pm

[re=635765]ph7[/re]: *rimshot*

S.Luggo August 10, 2010 at 1:40 pm

In the final analysis, life is merely a series of tubes. And always remember to buckle up.

Suds McKenzie August 10, 2010 at 1:43 pm

He’s just been redistricted.

… they come in threes right?

gurukalehuru August 10, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Dashboard, Buddha.

Oblios Cap August 10, 2010 at 1:48 pm

[re=635739]Vera Severa[/re]:

It has the MO of a George H.W. Bush dustoff. Ted must have dissed the Idiot and Daddy took umbrage.

mooky August 10, 2010 at 1:50 pm

The report of his death may be exaggerated. Or at least premature, the source on the TV news story isn’t sure. See:

Fox n Fiends August 10, 2010 at 1:53 pm

[re=635665]DonkeyPants[/re]: bullseye

Carson August 10, 2010 at 1:53 pm

Which Palin child has been selected as funeral photo prop?

Extemporanus August 10, 2010 at 1:56 pm

I’d like to dedicate this song to the dearly departed Theodore Fulton Stevens:

“Heaven is a Truck”

Godspeed, hulking hero of Hotlaska! May the tubes rise to meet you, and may the wind break forever at your back!

mumblyjoe August 10, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Would it be in terribly poor taste to try and pass a Ted Stevens Climate Change and/or Net Neutrality bill? Because I think this might be a good idea.

[re=635690]Doglessliberal[/re]: Let’s not even joke about that. I was reading Inouye’s wiki-war-history, and it seriously read like the biography of a true, two-fisted badass. Truth is, I’m not entirely sure death could take him, if it tried. I mean, it did already try, that one time, and all it got was the arm and a whole bunch of Nazis.

bamaboy August 10, 2010 at 1:57 pm

How many pallbearers in an Alaska politician’s funeral?


Only two handles on a garbage can.

Extemporanus August 10, 2010 at 1:58 pm

[re=635789]gurukalehuru[/re]: Haha! I see what you died there!

mumblyjoe August 10, 2010 at 2:03 pm

[re=635812]mumblyjoe[/re]: Oh, and the word Memorial, somewhere in there. Also.

Come here a minute August 10, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Needs moar Jamesons.

Maus August 10, 2010 at 2:15 pm

[re=635681]just pixels[/re]: “the man died. We can disrespect him in life and still respect him in death.”

He died doing what he did best in life, lobbying.

Dashboard_Buddha August 10, 2010 at 2:16 pm

[re=635789]gurukalehuru[/re]: ?

Dashboard_Buddha August 10, 2010 at 2:16 pm

[re=635789]gurukalehuru[/re]: lol…I just got that. Very nice.

lawrenceofthedesert August 10, 2010 at 2:31 pm

If he didn’t bounce off this crash like he did in ’78, Ted died like a hippie: looking for a place to crash.

Snarko Marx August 10, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Dead Stevens is now hooked up to a series of tubes injecting him with embalming fluid.

Miss Kublik August 10, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Ohhh, some cable newser had a forensic pathologist on to explain why it takes extra time to identify airplane crash victims. Lots of helpful info jam-packed into 90 seconds.

Broken Malice Machine August 10, 2010 at 2:38 pm

[re=635704]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Yes when Cheney is on red alert for the train to slab city I’ll begin drinking beer alternated with water on my flight to Wyoming….I’ll want to be full and ready to create a torrential downpour as my way of saying “RIP Dickface you authoritarin monster” when I land…

As for Ted Stevens, I can offer a fitting eulogy, ahem “When he was alive his nonstop bitterness and disregard for any man who didn’t fuck alaskan brown bears was palpable. That he aided in the rise of Sarah Palin was a corruption of the soul. His conscience was soiled just like John Boehner’s shorts when he spies bronzer on sale. He was one of many wingnuts who could insist upon forcing his phony religious morality upon others, while having none of his own. He helped spoil his state by allowing oil companies to turn it from natural splendor into a honeycomb…he was an asshole, a wingnut and most of all, an Alaskan. RIP you corrupt grizzly bear raper…”

WIDTAP August 10, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Channel 2 up in Alaska now saying sources have not confirmed. It’s the Franken-Coleman planewreck all over again.

steverino247 August 10, 2010 at 2:46 pm

[re=635883]Miss Kublik[/re]: Duh, the parts are all over the fucking place.

[re=635812]mumblyjoe[/re]: No shit! Inouye was one bad mutha in combat.

Inouye, Daniel K.

Rank and organization: Second Lieutenant, U.S. Army, Company E, 442nd Infantry. Place and date: San Terenzo, Italy, 21 April 1945. Birth: 7 September 1924, Honolulu, Hawaii. Entered service at: Honolulu, Hawaii.

Second Lieutenant Daniel K. Inouye distinguished himself by extraordinary heroism in action on 21 April 1945, in the vicinity of San Terenzo, Italy. While attacking a defended ridge guarding an important road junction, Second Lieutenant Inouye skillfully directed his platoon through a hail of automatic weapon and small arms fire, in a swift enveloping movement that resulted in the capture of an artillery and mortar post and brought his men to within 40 yards of the hostile force. Emplaced in bunkers and rock formations, the enemy halted the advance with crossfire from three machine guns. With complete disregard for his personal safety, Second Lieutenant Inouye crawled up the treacherous slope to within five yards of the nearest machine gun and hurled two grenades, destroying the emplacement. Before the enemy could retaliate, he stood up and neutralized a second machine gun nest. Although wounded by a sniper’s bullet, he continued to engage other hostile positions at close range until an exploding grenade shattered his right arm. Despite the intense pain, he refused evacuation and continued to direct his platoon until enemy resistance was broken and his men were again deployed in defensive positions. In the attack, 25 enemy soldiers were killed and eight others captured. By his gallant, aggressive tactics and by his indomitable leadership, Second Lieutenant Inouye enabled his platoon to advance through formidable resistance, and was instrumental in the capture of the ridge. Second Lieutenant Inouye’s extraordinary heroism and devotion to duty are in keeping with the highest traditions of military service and reflect great credit on him, his unit, and the United States Army.

Long Form Def Certificate August 10, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Net Neutrality will be overturned, in Stevens’s honour. (Just like renaming the Health Care Reform bill for Ted Kennedy!)

The World’s Greatest Deliberative Body is nothing if not self-congratulatory.

Seriously, though, it’s really nothing.

Bearbloke August 10, 2010 at 2:50 pm

[re=635697]SayItWithWookies[/re]: [re=635848]Maus[/re]: [re=635693]Sgt. Biyatch[/re]: Fuck all that wasted empathy and respect, mate! – his family knew what a turd he was and went along for the ride – hopefully, some honourable official will find a way to investigate the late Senator’s probable crimes, and dispossess his heirs…

ImBarb August 10, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Come on, Sarah! Dig deep and find a way to spin this into a me-me moment for yourself. Real Americans need you and your sage wisdom right now. Grab a few of your human-shield children, dress them in black and show up with a tater tot casserole, wearing the biggest fucking corsage you can find.

chascates August 10, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Sean O’Keefe and son Jonathan survive Alaska plane crash. Broken bones but survivable. O’Keefe, 54, was leading EADS’s bid to win a hotly contested competition to build a new generation of aerial tankers for the U.S. military, one of the biggest Pentagon contracts ever.

SayItWithWookies August 10, 2010 at 3:21 pm

[re=635926]Bearbloke[/re]: Eh — it’s not worth it to hate him — I’m saving that up for Cheney, Dubya, Rove, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Feith, Bybee, Condi and maybe a few others. As evil shits go, he might be pretty high up the list in the normal countries, but he couldn’t get arrested shooting a boxful of puppies compared to the previous administration.

Maus August 10, 2010 at 3:23 pm

[re=635926]Bearbloke[/re]: Oh, I’m not worrying about that. It’s far more terrible that he had such a long, wasted life to begin with.

GOPCrusher August 10, 2010 at 3:32 pm

[re=635972]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Agreed. There are so many other people more deserving of my urine.

BigDupa August 10, 2010 at 3:36 pm

The pilot was distracted by his search for Putin rearing his ugly head into Alaskan air space.

Bearbloke August 10, 2010 at 3:48 pm

[re=635972]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Agreed… your last pack of misleaders were among the worst people ever – I was just hoping that some enterprising Demoncrap District Attorney would stop the late Senator from departing to Hell with his ill-gotten riches.

Beowoof August 10, 2010 at 4:12 pm

[re=635705]Golfing OJ[/re]: Come on there a plenty of corrupt dog shit stains. Sarah is a personal fav in the catagory, as is W, wow too many to mention.

Beowoof August 10, 2010 at 4:14 pm

[re=635745]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Probably a piece of the fuselage.

Sgt. Biyatch August 10, 2010 at 4:18 pm

[re=636022]Bearbloke[/re]: I don’t begrudge Stevens’ family (at least the non-corrupt ones). Ho’s gotta eat, too.
Also I agree that as corrupt a-hole politicians go, he’s not at the top of the list. Though, I suspect Cheney had a deal with the devil with a few more quid pro quos and provisos than Stevens did. Maybe John Yoo negotiated it for Cheney.

El Pinche August 10, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Update: Ted Stevens is still dead.

Mr Blifil August 10, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Must have sucked when he realized Jeebus had forsaken him after all.

ashabot August 10, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Ted Stevens, to hell with ya….

alaskabeads August 10, 2010 at 5:09 pm

The picture shown with this post gives me chills. The little girl in the picture is my daughter who died suddenly and unexpectedly last year.

teebob2000 August 10, 2010 at 5:25 pm

[re=636110]alaskabeads[/re]: Buzzkill.

El Pinche August 10, 2010 at 5:50 pm

This sucks. Now I can’t say , “Bill Hicks, George Carlin, etc are dead yet Ted Stevens still lives.”

pat robertsons personal trainer August 10, 2010 at 5:53 pm

[re=635741]chascates[/re]: no sarah shamelessly twatted one of her goofy offspring to report the news. “Heartbreaking Bristol Bay plane crash. Alaska’s heart surrounds loved ones. . . . [Alaska's cunt is yours truly.]” ok, i made up the last part.

drrty martini August 10, 2010 at 6:15 pm

Isn’t what David Denby’s doing called chooching?

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 10, 2010 at 6:22 pm

He died as he lived, on a flight to nowhere.

zhubajie August 10, 2010 at 6:54 pm

[re=635681]just pixels[/re]: We don’t have to, tho’.

OCKerouac August 10, 2010 at 6:56 pm

[re=635662]CrunchyKnee[/re]: Fucking WIN…

Toomush Infermashun August 10, 2010 at 7:01 pm

Hmmm, airplane….so he was writing a book?… August 10, 2010 at 7:03 pm

As Dorothy Parker said when informed of the death of Herbert Hoover, “How could they tell?”

cold nuts August 10, 2010 at 7:33 pm

I expect a post-mortem marketing campaign that would make Dale Earnhardt’s enbalmed corpse blush. You have to give Uncle Ted one thing: he was never afraid to climb back into an airplane.

libwakman August 10, 2010 at 7:35 pm

Hahaha “I call foul. He may have been silly and easy to ridicule, but the man died. We can disrespect him in life and still respect him in death.”
Please to blow my liberal member.

kenlayisalive_dot_org August 10, 2010 at 7:38 pm

NPR reported he was on his way to a vacation at a cabin owned by … a telecommunications company! But they didn’t say WHICH telecommunications company. Stupid NPR. But graft – apparently it’s the gift that keeps on giving well after your constituents have kicked your ass out of the senate.

Now, as the ex-senator passes into the afterworld through a series of tubes designed strictly for that purpose, we can all share either a laugh or an out-of-place grandstanding sentiment of how assholes need to be respected just because they are dead.

ladymacbeth August 10, 2010 at 7:55 pm

is everybody in alaska angry?


though seriously, a plane crash just sucks and i live and fly twice a week in abject fear of it.

cold nuts August 10, 2010 at 8:05 pm

Yeah, stupid NPR, the Otter (airplane) was owned by telecommunications company GCI and those guys were always seriously into sucking Uncle Ted’s cheroot, now I wonder which way the liability chips will tumble. Somehow I suspect my cable bill is going up.

The potential here for conspiracy-knobs is astronomical. . .current sitting U.S. Senator Mark Begich who “inherited” Steven’s seat is the son of U.S. Representative for Alaska Nick Begich who disappeared in an airplane flight along with Wade Boggs in 1972. . .Discovery Channel must be all over this shit

zhubajie August 10, 2010 at 8:12 pm

Will they screw him into the ground?

rastignac August 10, 2010 at 8:18 pm

[re=635745]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I wonder what was the last thing to go through Ted’s mind?

The tray on the seat in front of him.

RPolanski August 10, 2010 at 8:19 pm

Need moar Cheeeeeeeney flights over Alaska.

Weeping Jesus August 10, 2010 at 9:04 pm

[re=635741]chascates[/re]: Sarah Palin hung him out to dry when he was indicted and put on trial. When and if she dies, I’ll be surprised if you can find a handful of people who will tell you she made a difference. Like him or not, Stevens was the kind of senator any state would love to have fighting on its behalf.

Surfeit O'Hubris August 10, 2010 at 10:18 pm

At least he died doing what he loved: Feeding at Corporate America’s trough.

El Pinche August 10, 2010 at 11:03 pm

Crunchyknee wins the day with “a series of tombs.” Short and sweet and makes you snort in quiet conf. calls (you fucker).

Oblios Cap August 11, 2010 at 9:13 am

Ted’s Dead.

Crazybroad August 11, 2010 at 11:54 am

[re=635972]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Let us not forget Murdock, Palin, Beck, Limbaugh, Bush Sr., the cast of “Jersey Shore” and Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Also.

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