Robert Gibbs To Order Mandatory Government Drug Testing For Libruls Who Criticize White House

  good ways to shore up your base

If you really love them, you'll agree with everything they say.The Obama administration is sick of libruls such as Rachel Maddow who dare CRITICIZE them, the librul political party’s presidential administration, when they fail to do important librul things. “I hear these people saying he’s like George Bush. Those people ought to be drug tested,” Robert Gibbs said. (But he is like George Bush, because he lives in the same house and has the same job and also calls himself “President.”) Why are the “professional left” not in lock-step with their dear leader? Isn’t there a chemical that makes you oppose gay marriage and support Guantanamo Bay that Robert Gibbs can inject people with when he’s checking them for teh drugz?

The press secretary dismissed the “professional left” in terms very similar to those used by their opponents on the ideological right, saying, “They will be satisfied when we have Canadian healthcare and we’ve eliminated the Pentagon. That’s not reality.”

Yes, but have you bothered ASKING Canada to give us their healthcare? Have you ever said, “Hey Canada, that looks good do you mind if we joined?” Canada would be fucking CRYING that the U.S. finally complimented it and wanted to do something its way. Canada has been trying to get its older brother to love it and be proud of it for centuries! And you know what? If we were nice to Canada about healthcare, we could probably get it to shoulder all our defense costs for us. PROBLEM SOLVED, EH.

But it is more fun saying your detractors hate America, so Gibbs will call up Canada but put them on hold forever until they realize he’s not coming back and they cry.

“There’s 101 things we’ve done,” said Gibbs, who then mentioned both Iraq and healthcare.

 
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Gibbs said the professional left is not representative of the progressives who organized, campaigned, raised money and ultimately voted for Obama.

Progressives, Gibbs said, are the liberals outside of Washington “in America,” and they are grateful for what Obama has accomplished in a shattered economy with uniform Republican opposition and a short amount of time.

101 “things!” Triple-digit “things” should be enough for you assholes. If those 101 things were Dalmatians, you would be like, These may be too many Dalmatians. And also I should be sued by Disney.

BUT AGAIN, WHO CARES ABOUT YOU, BECAUSE REAL LIBRULS ALWAYS AGREE WITH THEIR PRESIDENT.—Robert “Mustardman” Gibbs [The Hill]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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56 comments

  1. Doglessliberal

    I do love Gibbs. He skipped “Mealy-mouthed Weasel Words 101″ in spokesperson school. He took advanced “Say Whatever You Are Thinking” with a concentration in “Don’t Suffer Fools Gladly”.

  2. Katydid

    I once had a dalmatian, that which who whom what I loved dearly, but she was dumb as a box of rocks. She was no liberal, either.

  3. Oblios Cap

    The press secretary dismissed the “professional left” in terms very similar to those used by their opponents on the ideological right, saying, “They will be satisfied when we have Canadian healthcare and we’ve eliminated the Pentagon. That’s not reality.”

    I agree with both those things. I see where the Pentagon is going to fire staff so they can make more shit that goes boom. Now, that’s progress we can believe in!

  4. Allyson

    “I hear these people saying he’s like George Bush. Those people ought to be drug tested”
    I’ll have what they’re having, and make it a double for Robert Gibbs

  5. Aflac Shrugged

    Gibbs then chugged a Dos Equis, told the entire press room that he had a press release they could take turns sucking on, and fled down an inflatable ramp that had been stowed nearby for this apparent purpose.

  6. Serolf Divad

    We should invade Canada, enslave their doctors and force them to give us free health care. Then, after that we should banish all geometrical shapes, nut just the pentagon.

  7. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Currently I’m still an amateur, but I’m hoping to marticulate from the CODE PINK School of Poorly-Dressed Puppet-Waving Radicals this fall and begin my career as a professiona leftist.

  8. Joshua Norton

    So does this mean we can look forward to an end to all those whiny-ass emails begging for money?

    Sorry, Bob. I gave at the office. You have a nice day now.

  9. Texan Bulldoggette

    All Gibbs has to say is “President McCain died and it’s now President Palin”; that should shut everyone up real quick.

  10. the bf

    Wait, first he beats up my math boyfriend Nate and now this? Next thing you know, Jack will ban Princess Sparkle Pony!

  11. Joshua Norton

    Gibbs said the professional left is not representative of the progressives who organized, campaigned, raised money and ultimately voted for Obama.

    The “left” is not representative of the left. Ugh! Teh stoopid. It burns.

  12. freakishlystrong

    So if I post on a librul blog while I’m working does that qualify me as a “professional leftist”?

    What’s next Gibby? Treasonous, far left loons like Faux calls us? Shit man, dance with the ones that brung ya.

  13. Hooray For Anything

    I’m just going to sit back, crack open a beer, and watch the circular firing squad go at for the next few months or so. Hoping that the thing dies down just in time so I can watch Speaker of the House John Boehner install tanning booths in Congressional corridors and install House Cocktail/Let’s Impeach Obama Hours.

    [re=635837]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: I applied for a job with them but couldn’t get it. It was probably for the best as the salary was low, the benefits sucked, and you have to watch Olbermann

  14. JMP

    Wait, how can any leftists criticize the administration when Obama is a radical Marxist socialist and the most extreme left President there has ever been on Earth? Fox told me so, so it must be true.

  15. GreatRightHope

    “Isn’t there a chemical that makes you oppose gay marriage and support Guantanamo Bay that Robert Gibbs can inject people with when he’s checking them for teh drugz?”

    Here at GOP Pharmaceuticals, we’ve actually created that drug. Our secret supply is safely hidden in the back room of some lesbian bondage club in West Hollywood.

  16. gurukalehuru

    I’ll spare you the drug test, Robbie. I’m stoned as a motherfucker. I’m also about as left wing as they come and I’m plenty disappointed. You’re a year and a half in, and not a single high level Bush administration official has been sent off to the Iron Bar Hotel.
    Fucking weenies.

  17. BOOBIES!

    If you would give us our prescription drugs and legalized pot, we would be in a much better mood.

  18. Zadig

    [re=635828]mustardman[/re]: Ah, thanks. For a second I was wondering why Stuef had nicknamed Gibbs “mustardman”.

    Also? Fuck off.

  19. Doglessliberal

    [re=635857]JMP[/re]: the fact that the shit spews at him from both sides means he is doing just what he said he would all during the campaign–trying to find a middle way to represent everyone.

  20. Sharkey

    “Those people ought to be drug tested.”

    Finally we have it. Drug testing is simply a punishment for saying something weird, or looking weird. Knew it all along!

  21. Aurelio

    “We professional revolutionaries must continue, and will continue, this kind of ‘pushing,’ and a hundred times more forcibly that we have done hitherto.”–V.I. Lenin, What Is To Be Done? (italics in original).

  22. Come here a minute

    First they sent the Bachmanntards to the socialist re-education/death camps, but I said nothing…

  23. steverino247

    [re=635840]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: HA! Goddamn right it would. You should hear a pin drop in the White House Press Room after that comment.

  24. One Yield Regular

    [re=635840]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I don’t expect my fellow professional leftists to approve of everything BHO does, but I DO expect them to keep that alternative always in mind. By now, we could have had Secretary of Christianity Michele Bachmann and White House Press Secretary Sean Hannity accompanying Vice-President Snowbilly on an evangelical message mission to the smoldering ruins of Tehran, Beijing, and Madrid, with a stop at the border to see the completion of the danged Wall of America, constructed entirely of parched illegal alien bones.

  25. lawrenceofthedesert

    It’s true that “the professional left is not representative of the progressives who organized, campaigned, raised money and ultimately voted for Obama.” Those progressives referred to are Daley Machine precinct captains wearing pinky rings and pork pie hats, all of them known for their incredible knowledge of the writings of Saul Alinsky, “Fightin’ Bob” LaFollette and Eugene Debs — or maybe for insisting that the plural of you is “yez.”

  26. Frances the Cockatoo

    Drones.
    Gitmo.
    30,000 troops to Afghanistan.
    There’s so much for us libruls to like, we’re sticky.

  27. BlueStateLiberal

    I’m probably the only drug-free librul in America so drug-test me all you want, ha. And yes, I do want Canadian-style health care and am tired of paying $1 billion per Taliban hunted down.

  28. dijetlo

    Why do I suspect that this has more to do with the shitstorm that’s going to get unleashed by the left when Blanche “I have to get re-elected” Lincoln gets ass banged in the general after sacrificing the public option on the alter of “re-elect-ability”.

  29. SayItWithWookies

    If Canada has any smarts, it’ll pay for our healthcare instead of our military. It’s like when my friend and I helped my ex-fiancee to move, and she said she’d pay us either fifty bucks or take us out for beers. And in spite of not getting to the bar until eleven, we still managed to drink more than fifty dollars worth of beer and liquor before closing. So remember, Canada — even all us fat, sickly BGH-riddled Americans have to die sometime — space based ICBM interceptors, though, live forever.

  30. respite

    [re=635862]gurukalehuru[/re]: Yes, what you said, except for the stoned part. But Gibbs is starting to make me wish I were.

    And Mr Gibbs? How come that other party there can re-write the whole fucking Bill of Rights, start two wars on a credit card, and give zillions in tax breaks to other rich people without a nearly fillibuster-proof majority, but your lame-ass party can’t even pass ENDA? Just curious.

  31. pdiddycornchips

    Hopey is pretty whiny himself lately. Seems running around the country like a rock star, being told how great you are, being publicly felated by the beltway press, was a lot more fun than actually governing. The White House is upset because some liberals took the shit he said on the campaign trail serious. He lies like a whore on crack and he’s mad at us for remembering what he said? It’s time for a radical departure. How ’bout leading instead of following for a change?
    He can pimp slap the left all he likes, it won’t make conservatives love him nor will it impress the teabaggers. He better suck it up or he’ll be whining his way back to Chicago in a few short years.

  32. Vulpes82

    Meh. What’s the man supposed to say? “Geepers, we just love everyone hating us all the time! The right calls us Marxist Islamofascists and the left calls us corporatist whores who do not represent true PROGRESSIVE change! We love them all.” The “professional left” doesn’t have to cheerlead every dump made by the Administration, and the Administration doesn’t have to wag its tail every time they get criticized.

  33. Bearbloke

    [re=635856]Hooray For Anything[/re]: [re=635862]gurukalehuru[/re]: [re=635938]respite[/re]: No circular firing squad is needed, just a full house-cleaning (dumping the DNC head, and maybe Gibbs) after the midterm elections. If Obama is going to be a One-Term President, then he should try to be the best one-term leader you Yanks have ever had by spending the next two years stomping over ReThuglicans to lead American back on track…

    Meanwhile, I’ll stay here in Antipodia and cheer from the sidelines… Good Morning, Wonkette!

  34. norbizness

    Vulpes: He could reserve the vitriol for people actually blocking the Administration’s agenda, whatever that might me.

  35. GOPCrusher

    I’m a card carrying librul, but with two wars and the economy in the tank, I never did understand the poutrage by the Kos Crowd that the Obama Inaguration Stage was not used to erect a gallows and the Entire Bushyt Cabal hung for war crimes, the next day.
    Its not like they are going anywhere, and there is no statute of limitations for war crimes. The only one trying to cheat justice is Dick Cheney and between his new heart and the blood of aborted fetuses, he should be around for another hundred years.

  36. MikeSchild

    sorry guys-but i think gibbs is right here. I consider myself a progressive, and am shocked to see that what should be this president’s allies in the media always complaining about him, as if he did not earn his stripes in his first term. Can you imagine if he governed more from the left? nothing at all would pass Congress and the tea party crowds would be roaming the streets in fear of a liberal takeover! Gibbs is right, with Fox News aiming at Obama every single night, it would be nice if the other sides’ pundits could realize that Obama can’t govern from the left, he has to govern from at least the center left, and that means not getting everything you want. and it means realizing that the more liberal talking head bash Obama, the more likely some libs will turn from voting Democrat, the more likely Sarah Palin and Rush will be in the white house! (okay maybe not that last part) you get the drift!

  37. Mr Blifil

    [re=636070]MikeSchild[/re]: Pish-tosh. He is speaking as the Presiden’t representative at all time, IOW he speaks for Obama himself. The very most he should consider doing in answer to criticism is point out which forces on the left he considers to me MOST EXEMPLARY. Griping comes with the territory, and if you think complainers are a bunch of Naderites on crack, the classy thing to do is ignore them and focus on who you think is doing a good job and why. What’s really disturbing is that he and others within the administration seem pissed that Obama, of all people, isn’t loved ENOUGH. I mean jesusfuckingchristmas how tone deaf can you possibly be?

  38. Oldskool

    That was a dumb thing to say. Michelle’s trip was also dumb. Someone cracked open a pinata full of dumb and hasn’t cleaned it up.

  39. eclecticbrotha

    Sure are a lot of wingnut trolls here lately.

    And yeah, after the way so-called progressive bloggers like Cenk Uygur, David Sirota, Jane Hamsher, Markos Moulitsas and the like spent the past two years shitting on every move Obama’s made – I’m especially fond of their “Kill the Bill!” campaign during the Health Reform Debate – a good “Fuck You Very Much” (I watched “Kick Ass” yesterday) from Gibbs is certainly in order.

    I could sure use a good rant from Al Giordano right now.

  40. Diabeetis

    I think Gibbs has a point. It’s ridiculous for progressives to complain about Obama not being a lefter-than-left leftist since he didn’t run as one in the first place. First and foremost, Obama is a politician and the proggies’ views aren’t exactly in the majority in this country.

  41. OCKerouac

    I agree that Barry hasn’t ben the anti-leftist that the NPR-crowd makes him out to be, but at the same time, how long do us progressives have to get shat on by ‘our’ party before we just stop bothering to show up at all? I realized LONG ago that there will NEVER be a POTUS who sees things the way I do, but it sure would be nice if would would at least PRETEND for a while.

    This is just another example of Democratic politics. Beat the hell out of your base because you know they’ll still be there while you court the ‘independants’ who only call themselves independant because they like all the blow jobs.

  42. Diabeetis

    I don’t think Obama is the same as Bush, but I do think that certain Obama supporters are no different than the blinder-wearing Bush supporters that used to infest the Internet. eclecticbrotha is a glaring example.
    Some of the people he’s called trolls here are longtime Wonkette commenters and loyal Democrats.

  43. Surfeit O'Hubris

    I’ll take the classic wishy-washy librul approach here: On the one hand, I’d like to see the administration I spent frankly more money than was wise to help elect do more to bring the Insane Clown Posse that preceded them to justice, end the two stupid, hopeless wars, and rebuild what’s left of the social safety net. On the other hand, I don’t know how much more obvious it needs to be that the right is trying like motherfuckers to get the president killed, and not with votes.

    So basically, things are bad. And it sucks. Beyond telling the DNC when they call every couple of weeks asking for more money that I’m not giving shit to asswipes like Ben Nelson, I don’t really have an answer. But piling on the prez doesn’t feel right.

  44. Enslave the Whales

    Wow, the Wonkette has undergone an infestation of moderates.

    Obama did not campaign as a progressive (except insofar as he allowed libs to believe that he was to the left of Clinton, if they wanted to believe that). Some of the liberal “backlash” may be from folks (who may be “professional leftists” — whatever that means) who mistakenly believed that he was more lefty than he actually is.

    Even so, why shouldn’t those professional leftists continue to advocate for what they really want, even if it’s not what the Administration wants? And, I think that for the most part what we’ve gotten so far is what the Administration has wanted, and not just the “best they could get.” There have been few, if any, cases where the Administration has pressed hard for positions significantly to the left of where things ended up.

    The “well, McCain, Palin, huh?” argument is irrelevant. I’m sure that the most Obama-critical lefty will testify to being relatively happy that we avoided that mess. But that does not require them to be absolutely happy about what we got instead.

  45. Diabeetis

    [re=636185]Enslave the Whales[/re]: Not to mention that not all of this Obama criticism is from a more-progressive-than-thou point-of-attack. There are plenty of people who think we would have been better off with Hillary Clinton in the White House.

  46. eclecticbrotha

    [re=636193]Diabeetis[/re]: Unfortunately, not enough of those people who think she’d be better in the White House actually voted for her.

    By the way, if pdiddycornchips is what you call “a longtime Wonkette commenter and loyal Democrat” (especially since I’ve been here for years and don’t recognize his handle but the right wing memes he spouted in his post are unmistakable) then I’m your Daddy.

  47. foog

    [re=636070]MikeSchild[/re]: “Can you imagine if he governed more from the left? nothing at all would pass Congress and the tea party crowds would be roaming the streets in fear of a liberal takeover!”

    And that would differ from the current state of affairs how exactly?

    (you know, other than maybe have the admin keep a campaign promise or two and actually giving ‘mericuns some fucking health care)

    .

  48. Surfeit O'Hubris

    [re=636193]Diabeetis[/re]: I will say this is pretty much exactly what I expected would happen with H. Clinton in the White House, gratuitous compromises with the hysterical opposition and earnest entreaties to to progressives to sit down, shut the fuck up, and keep sending money.

    I knew what Obama said he’d do; I just bet he was more likely than his current sec’y of state to figure out that stuff wouldn’t actually work. I’ll admit that, at this point, it’s looking like a bad bet. But HRC had a 15-year head start on disappointing me, so I guess this is better.

  49. Cicada

    I spent a lot of hours volunteering for the Obama campaign. I talked with people all over the country and I found out something: a LOT of the people working for the campaign and donating money were moderates.I find it very confusing when the netroots people and the professional umbrage takers like Olbermann claim that Obama has betrayed his base. They honestly seem clueless as to who the base actually is, and assume that the base is them.

    When you do the math, the number of people who identify as liberal or progressive is dwarfed by the number of registered Democrats, let alone Dems and independents. A lot of the Democratic base (by which I mean people who consistently vote and vote Democratic) would be considered centrist or right-leaning by left-wing groups. Obama is under just as much obligation to those voters as he is to Daily Kos readers/Maddow readers/ etc.

    I know that I am more liberal than the majority of people in this country. That means that I will continue to donate money to the ACLU, write my congress critters, and do whatever else seems likely to change things I don’t like. But there is no fucking way that I expect the current administration to cater exclusively to my political ideology, because I know that I am a minority. And yes, I knew that Obama was a centrist when I volunteered for him, and I sure as hell knew it when I touted his “there are no red states or blue states” line to those wavering independent voters in Nevada and Colorado, who were worried Obama was going to be too liberal.

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