Let’s say you are Rick Perry, and you have some important information to give to the president. How would you get in contact with him? Well, you could send him a letter, through the United States Postal Service…if you hate America, since the heavily unionized workforce of that organization will almost certainly either leak the top-secret contents of your communique to your press enemies or just dump it, along with thousands of children’s letters to Santa, in a storm drain somewhere. You could pick up the phone and call him, but since chances are better than 50-50 that They are listening, this has its own risks. You could send a trusted courier to carry your message to him, but what of the notorious highwaymen who plague all the roads to Washington-Towne? No, the only way Rick Perry could get his plea for more border troops to Barack Obama was to personally hand it to the president himself.
The Washington Post describes the scene when Rick Perry’s long wait for the physical arrival of the president was blessedly rewarded:
Republican Gov. Rick Perry hand-delivered a letter as President Obama emerged from Air Force One here, repeating his demand that the government send 1,000 troops to the Texas-Mexico border.
The letter, released to the news media by the governor’s office, also repeated Perry’s request to meet with Obama and his secretaries of homeland security and defense to discuss what he described as the increasing danger along the border.
Huzzah! With this important information finally in the hands of our leader, who was hitherto wholly unaware that any “danger” existed on the border, or indeed that there was any such place as “Mexico,” policy will fundamentally change and…wait, WHAT?
Perry greeted Obama at the foot of the stairs from Air Force One, clapping for the president as he descended. The two shared a hearty handshake before Perry pulled the letter out of his suit pocket and handed it to senior adviser Valerie Jarrett, who was standing behind the president.
Nooooo! Once again the president’s wicked advisors prevent him from making direct contact with the People! Why does this cabal of plotters attempt to undermine Obama’s glorious reign?
A White House official said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano sent Perry a letter last week describing the administration’s border security efforts and offered him a “top-level NSC briefing.” The official said Perry declined.
Smart man, Rick — you didn’t fall for the old “top-level NSC briefing” trick, where they capture you and throw you into a dungeon forever. Perry will just have to figure out another way to get his message to the president. We suggest writing it on a small scroll of parchment and tying it to an arrow, which Texas’s greatest archer will fire directly through the window of Obama’s bedroom, up in the highest turret of the castle. [WP]
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Strangely enough, the President snapped his fingers, whereupon a Secret Service agent carrying a sizable bowl of dicks appeared, and exhorted Perry to partake.
“Dick” Perry’s new job. Process server.
Yep.
They send more than 1,000 to the “border,” and they offer to brief him, but he refuses to meet with them and hands them a demand for “a bazillion SWAT officers and those guys from Predator III,” because Rick Perry is serious about this stuff. He’s not doing publicity stunts.
If he were doing publicity stunts, our liberal media would surely refuse to go along.
When a President gets handed a memo or letter in Texas, the President usually responds, “Okay, now you’ve covered your ass.” Then the President smirks. That’s Presidentin’ Texas-style.
He should do what some of my coworkers do when they need something: they send the idea off into the collective subconscious — I’m not sure if they use prayer or meditation or what — and then ask me in a week if I’ve done whatever it was.
I’m betting Jarrett immediately stuffed the letter into the jar of urine of the “Piss Christ” sculpture that Obama had installed on Air Force 1.
I hate the federal government! I need the federal government! I hate the federal government! I need the federal government! My mother! My sister! My mother!
Would somebody please slap him in the face?
Dear Gov. Perry,
Thank you very much for your piece of paper. It went to good use mopping up a diet coke spill on Air Force One. If it wasn’t for your gift, it’s likely the beverage would have gotten on some important documents.
You are a great American.
sincerely,
Barry
Go ahead, snicker. You have no idea the danger Richard “the dick” Perry faces. Don Juan Matus and his gang of Messicans every day are charging across the border and decimating Perry’s personal peyote patch just outside Big Bend National Park. These cacti desperados are destroying a national resource. Yeah, laugh. Wait ’til you need to talk to a Yaqui shaman.
Wouldn’t sending federal troops be socialism? Isn’t regulating drugs (the source of all the danger, and what Perry wants those troops for) a case of government run amok? Why aren’t the tea baggers after Rick Perry’s scalp?
I am quite surprised that nobody has referenced that seriously overrated Thomas Pynchon piece of crap Crying of Lot 49 yet.
I thought I knew you people.
Somehow I’ve missed the old-school barbarian Mexican raids into Texas, to sack towns, put the men to the sword, ravish the women and carry off everything valuable, that actually requires a militarization of the border.
IS THERE VIDEO??? I’d just love to see the “you dumb shit” look on Obama’s face when Perry hands him the letter… Knowing your enemies failed kindergarten – priceless…
I theorize that the triviality of communications to a high-ranking government official (or a celebrity) declines in inverse proportion to the number of television cameras covering the event.
[re=635518]Scaggsville guy[/re]:
“I’m going to take a stab at something and say that you hate White Power Rick.”
“I hate you”
“You hate White Power Rick”
“I hate the government”
“You hate White Power Rick”
“I hate the jews”
“You hate White Power Rick”
“I hate my father”
“I hate White Power Rick”
Mr. President,
Do you like me? Check one:
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
Note to Govs Brewer and Perry — You are commander-in-chief of your own State’s National Guard. Therefore, on your own authority, you can call up said troops and send them to the border. That pesky little detail about how your State will have to foot the bill all on its own is something you’ll just have to deal with. I suggest you send the bill to your own taxpayers with a nice little “pay up bitches” message attached.
Why on earth the Secret Service didn’t flying tackle Ricky-boy as he sidled up to Barry, and then shuffle his ass off to Gitmo, is beyond me. Always with the missed opportunities, Barry!
Gets me wonderin’. Just where was this blowhardy asshole going to secede to exactly?
[re=635530]JMP[/re]: You missed them? That’s because you’re relying on “the liberal media” to tell you things.
If you were plugged in to the secret network of Informed Citizens, you’d know that a Messican drug gang INVADED TEXAS and occupied a ranch! They did! The ranchers escaped in the night, but a vigilant cop got on the radio reporting the major INVASION by the DRUG CARTEL!
TPM reported on this. Apparently, the cop who freaked on the radio wasn’t near the place it was supposed to have happened, and the person who then hit the Internets with the Second Coming font amplified his version, and then it got to California, where it jumped to Drudge and many others, and, the next day, this small town in Texas found that it had apparently been invaded, seized, and fought off the invasion… all without any evidence. That, of course, proves that the Obama administration has bribed the witnesses and cleaned the area to cover up their incompetence!
Barry should have said:
“Rick, thank you for the letter. You’d like 1000 troops on the Texas-Mexico border? We currently have more agents and officers than that there. Are you suggesting that we decrease the Federal presence? That would certainly be a bold step toward the states rights issues you promote. Certainly, at your request, we’ll begin removing them tomorrow.”
I have said this before, but…Rick Perry is the personification of TruckNutz.
[re=635543]Geogre[/re]: Oh yes, I remember hearing about that. Funny how nutty leftist conspiracy theories remain on the fringe while they’re ignored by everyone mainstream, while many of the big name conservative media figures and even elected officials will jump on right-wing conspiracy theories.
I also wonder why a drug cartel would want to invade a Texas ranch. Just for the hell of it?
How is it possible that the lovely sobriquet “dracula cunt” is reserved solely for that lady-chick-woman? Her name was Shelley or Shelly or ‘Chelle or something, right? (My google-fingers are broken.)
This dracula frenum oughtta get bizzy seceding from the union rather than wasting her time writing li’l mash notes to the president.
Rick “Tania” Perry strikes a fierce iconic pose, redux
1st Armadillo Platoon of the Neo-Symbionese Liberation Army, UNTIE!
Won’t all those federal troops make it more difficult to secede?
Aren’t you supposed to put your holographic plea for help on a CD and stick it in a droid and hope the determined little rice cooker eludes Imperial star cruisers? That’s how you defeat an evil empire, Rick. If you believe in ’Merikuh.
Help me Barry Juan Nairobi, also.
Big gun = little ????
what a preening, pandering, disingenious asshole of a drama queen he is.
did rick say what he thinks these thousand troops are supposed to do along this 750-mile border? we’re talking about one soldier for every three-quarters of a mile. the maximum effective range of their rifles is going to be about a quarter-mile. so they can cover a quarter-mile to the left and a quarter-mile to the right, that’s going to leave a lot of uncovered quarter-miles.
plus, all those soldiers, out there by themselves, they’re going to get lonely.
rick, i don’t think this is going to work. go back and research this some more, see if you can come up with a proposal (and a form of delivery) that is more along the lines of a possible solution and less along the jagged edge of cheap political grandstanding.
So here’s Gov. Perry and Brewer’s strategy. Ask the President to help, which will make them appear to be “doing something” about the immigration problem. When Obama doesn’t magically fix everything, he gets all the blame. It is as brilliant as it is simple.
Ha ha he showed that d**kie he ain’t scared. Clap, clap, backslap, YOU GOT SERVED D**KIE! Next time Obama gets some high and mighty ideas that he’s running things, he’ll realize that he’s only there at the sufferance of a whole mess of belligerent white dudes, any one of whom could’ve been Prezident eazy-peazy, but they had real-man shit to do.
[re=635516]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Perhaps we should send Perry a copy of ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byne. That way, all he has to do is wish hard enough and the thousand troops will suddenly appear.
[re=635579]Autochthon[/re]: further research indicates it would take a minimum of 15,966,720 fully-erect rick perry penises to cover the length of the texas-mexico border, and the coverage would be very thin.
Go ahead and make fun of Gov Perry, but I personally know 14 Texas Ranch Maidens and 3 ranch hands who have been defiled by roaming packs of mexican rape squads…in the last month alone! chillido como un cerdo!
That’s funny! Giving the illegal alien “President” a letter saying to get rid of the illegal aliens who are invading. What’s Obama going to do, throw himself out of the country? HA HA HA, Rick Perry. You are funnier than a screen door on a submarine.
Here’s my idea to stop the illegals. Move the U.S.A. border ten miles north. Then build a bunch of hotels, slaughter houses, farm fields, etc. The invaders will get jobs in these places and think they’re in the U.S.A. But they’re not. HA HA HA stupid invaders, fooled you.
[re=635506]Clancy_Pants[/re]: Thank you for this…..
[re=635554]JMP[/re]: Ah, invading the Texas ranch was pretty obvious, wasn’t it?
They invaded the Texas ranch to give birth! The Zapatos drug gang seized the ranch in the middle of the night, after all, so they were obviously “dropping anchor babies” there. We must check for cuckoo eggs, or cuckoo clocks, or just cuckolds.
[re=635554]JMP[/re]: (Large, heavily tanned Mexican man, smoking a cigar and twirling his moustache)
“Because we can, JMP.
Because
we
can.”
(Laughs maniacally, then sends his minions to hide 12 anchor babies throughout the southwest).
Just for the record:
1. That whole “Cousin Minnie Pearl” thing of leaving the price tags on your assault rifle and/or suppressor is really White Trash.
2. Wearing the arm patch of any military unit in which you did not actually serve is really GAYZ — particularly if that unit is the S.S. Waffen S.S., or any branch of the Wehrmacht. (Unless you do it in the bedroom, in which case it is perfectly acceptable, e.g., Charlotte Rampling in “The Night Porter.”)
3. Firing any weapon from the hip (particularly an assault rifle or submachine gun) also is really GAZY — unless it’s a GE Minigun. Or maybe an old BREN. Or maybe even a STEN. (I’m a sucker for the former, and you’re not going to hit anything with the latter anyway.)
Neilist
N.R.A. Wonkette Outreach Desk &
Fashion Correspondent
[re=635554]JMP[/re]: (Showing my age here) They were trying to find out Who shot J.R.
[re=635562]Prommie[/re]: Maybe he wants them on the Oklahoma-Texas border?
These southern governor are all about wishing hateful shit on the Socialist Federal Government, until they want something from it.
[re=635591]slappypaddy[/re]: plus, all those soldiers, out there by themselves, they’re going to get lonely.
There are a lot of sheep along the border….
Have you seen rick perry and rick sanchez’s hair at the same place in the same time?
Pretty obvious this is just yet another step in his endless campaign for the Pres nom. Given his likely competition who knows; he might actually get it.
[re=635619]blader[/re]: Not our Ranch Maidens! Time to call out the Rangers; our sex-shooters will end them, and God will know his own.
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