Important news from Alaska! Now that Levi and Bristol’s re-engagement has ended its two-week run at the top of the charts, Levi obviously needs something new to keep him in the public eye, because without the adoration of millions he will literally fade into non-existence. Fortunately, Levi has the services of his indefatigable manager, “Tank Jones” (or possibly “‘Tank’ Jones”), who is always looking for new ways to build the Levi brand of droll dumbshittery. What better way for Levi to give back to his nation and leagues of adoring fans than to run for mayor in the same awful town that foisted his erstwhile mother-in-law-to-be on the rest of the world? And if someone who ran a television network wanted to follow Levi around with cameras while this happened, and also maybe give Levi and Tank Jones some money in the process, well, it’s not like anyone could stop them, right? It’s still a free country, last we checked.
Variety, the number-one publication focusing on Alaskan municipal politics, has an interview with Levi and Tank on his reality show mayoral run. It is sadly not written in Variety’s hilarious in-house gangster slang, and is mostly awful, but does contain just enough hints of the visceral anti-Palin hostility that keeps us from turning our back on Levi entirely:
VARIETY: What happens if you actually get elected?
LEVI JOHNSTON: Then I’m the new mayor. I will serve, the whole thing.
VARIETY: That mayoral position in Wasilla can be a launching pad for a bigger career in politics, as a certain former mayor has shown. Do you harbor further political aspirations?
TANK JONES: We’re going to go for governor after mayor. I’m the campaign manager. If we successfully do the mayor thing, we’re going to do the governorship. We’re not trying to copy anybody, but we feel he can better serve these two positions that have been so light for so long. He’s going to come in and try to help the people.
VARIETY: Levi, what do you think the reaction is going to be from the Palin camp when they hear that you’re running for political office?
JONES: Who?
Still, though: mostly awful. On the other hand, didn’t people say that our Lord and Savior was mostly awful, back when he was just getting his political career started? Yes, Jones told the AP.
Asked whether he believed people would take Johnston’s run for office seriously, with TV cameras rolling, Jones said: “People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don’t care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston.
“People can question whatever they want. I mean, he’s going to keep on doing his thing,” he said. “He was going to do this, even if this wasn’t a reality show.”
This has been your Levi Johnston update for today. Tune in tomorrow when he embarks on his next remarkable enterprise, possibly taming a wild walrus and making it his pet. [Variety/AP]
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Grandiosity much? Oxy will do that to a person.
You’re not Him.
This is exactly how the whole Kennedy political dynasty got its start.
I’ve seen this before. Wasn’t it an obscure (for you US Americans) Canada City TV show called “Dan For Mayor”? Except with less nudity.
With a name like Tank, Mr Jones could well be a long-lost member of the Palin brood.
Tank Jones could be a snowbilly of any shape or size, “Tank” Jones would have to be fat.
I don’t know. He’s probably got more smarts than that other Mayor of Wasilla. (What is in the meth in Wasilla anyhoo? It turns them all in to a pack of grasping attention whores.)
On one side, a high school dropout with more blood flowing to his dick than to his cranium. On the other side, Wasilla, Alaska. Sounds like a good match.
“If we successfully do the mayor thing, we’re going to do the governorship.”
w. t. f…
Well, he’ll have the votes of everyone who runs a meth lab in Wasilla (his family business), but all of the folks who hate Sarah Palin will vote against him as will Bristol’s bff’s and wanna be bff’s.
I hope he wins, but I’m pretty sure he’ll lose.
How many showers did you have to take to feel clean after this one, Josh?
McCain/Johnston in 2028. And I do mean John McCain. Not daughter Meghan. He’s just the kind of guy to live that long to continue to plague the country with his lechery and stupidity.
He should make his campaign poster just a shot of his ass. I’ll re-register in Alaska just to put my ballot in that slot.
[re=635428]norbizness[/re]: THERE IS NOT ENOUGH SOAP IN THE WORLD
Are we going to get to see him on Maury Povich, where they will do DNA testing to see if he’s really Trip’s biological dad?
I suppose it’s too late to call Russia and see if we can get back our deposit for Alaska.
[re=635418]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Yes, and I started hearing the show’s theme music as soon as I read this. What a copycat, this guy.
I like it – just the idea of “reality politics”…what have we been missing all these years, West Wing come slouching round at last to be born anew…better still with a dynasty idiot..pretty sure this is what started the ‘royalty’ concept in Euranciea…
Stilll liking it…the War of the Hoses…
Hey, I’d vote for him. Can I get an absentee ballot sent to me if I live in California and have never set foot in Alaska?
His statement “I will serve the whole thing” sounds like a swipe at a certain person who wouldn’t do that…
I blame John McCain for exposing us to this crap.
you have got to be kiddin’ me! The Wasilla Hillbillies, ill-fated almost future son-in-law included, are like a never ending nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wake me up when it’s over!
Thank you, God!
I hate John McCain.
Anyone who thinks Trig is the most retarded Palin doesn’t understand genetics. Tripp, or Spurt, or whatever his name is, got a double dose.
Take this whole clan in Blackhawk helicopter at night and dump them into the Bering Sea. Please!
I have decided to become a drunkard. Well, not so much “decided to become a drunkard” as “decided to admit I am a drunkard.” But still, its more justified then ever, now.
[re=635447]Roschelle[/re]: But there’s a big reason to hope for his win – it would really piss off his onetime mother-in-law to be. And anything that gets her angry is a good thing.
This plot has been done before, but better. It was one of the best “Beverly Hillbillies” ever broadcast, when Jethro ran for mayor. Jed was agin it, but grannie was his campaign manager. Now, that was when tee vee was good.
[re=635449]thatonegirlsays[/re]:
He’s the Dr Frankenstein behind all of this. Kristol is Igor.
Jones said: “People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don’t care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston.”
Do they only teach self-esteem classes (skipping all that communisty English and history stuff) at the schools in A-lay-ska? Knock it off already!
[re=635439]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: Yep, Seward’s Folly has come to bear fruit.
Can he pardon his mother?
[re=635454]Prommie[/re]:
Some people are born to it,
Others have it thrust upon them.
I think you qualify as the latter classification.
Other than that, while it’s true, the man is no Basil Marceaux, he has sired a pup on one of the Palin litter, which indicates his claim to the crown of Wasilla has significant validity in Republican politics. I, for one, say crown him Prince Regent until his anchor baby whelps, or perhaps reaches the age of consent in Alaska (9?), and let the meth fueled orgies begin!
So now Levi’s bigger than Jesus. Will he ever soar as high as the Be Sharps?
Can’t we just give Alaska back to Russia?
Levi for mayor and govenor? Sweet. He dispensed with all that education and played hockey. He is as qualified as Sarah.
This is NOT like that time in college when we ran a guy for student body president dressed as a young Fidel Castro. This, young Johnston, is much, much more pathetic.
Sarah could totally torpedo this whole thing by endorsing him.
if he campaigns in a jockstrap , he will get votes . if he promises easy access to his jockstrap , he will get ‘campaign funds’ , but only if he’s wearing it when voters are accessing it .
Now it all makes sense! Levi broke off his engagement so he could go on a charm offensive (if you know what I mean, and I think you do) to gather votes from Wasilla’s mama and daughter grizzlies. I tell ya, you need to keep a notebook handy so you don’t lose track of all these soap opera plots.
hahaha, Extemporanus called out the quitter grifter yesterday abut the eye rolling and better yet 11 months ago a commenter presaged this farce.
His first act as mayor should be to address the hookworm infestation.
if he campaigns in speedos printed with the alaska state flag , i’d be willing to get real close to ‘see’ it , if you know what i mean . for the details …
Today we are all mere mortals.
Track, Trig, Tripp, Tank. Nope, doesn’t work. Should be Trank.
His sister Mercede weighs in on the breakup:
I feel like this was a huge set up, and that my brother got played. Again.
I can only imagine the heartache he is going through right now. I know how much he loves both Bristol and Tripp.
If we wanted to give Alaska an enema, Wasilla is where you would plug it in. Nothing but poo comes out of that town.
Where does he stand on the ever-present “Putin rears his head over Alaska” issue?
Note to Katie Couric: I really don’t want to know what books and magazines he reads.
Other than that, he’s now qualified to be President!
Is he a dem-o-rat, or a rethuglican? Either way, Levi will wear the shit out of that mayoral sash.
I think his best chance is to distance himself from Sarah and the Tea Party. He needs a catchy campaign slogan. And a truck. I can’t think of a slogan right now. But something like.
“Levi Johnston. Taking out the T, leaving you my Johnson”
I was much more interested when his fledgling career was veering into porn. Wtf happened?
[re=635567]comicbookguy[/re]: they’re called “graphic novels” now, try to keep up…
[re=635570]jus_wonderin[/re]: I think a catchy campaign slogan would be “Yeah, I fucked her.”
Staying in the lime light is his best chance for survival. The Grifter wouldn’t dare to put out on a contract on him with TV cameras rolling around him all the time.
Well, he’s just a kid, and one from a bad background.
What would be funny is if he won mayor, grew up, and became a really good mayor, then later won governor and became a really good governor (however that is defined in AK).
This is America, after all.
I guess it’s a good thing that Levi rejected a $3 million book deal so he could pose nude and then run for Mayor of Wasilla.
They grow them all kinds of stoopid in Alaska. You betcha.
Isn’t it time for Bristol to announce some new venture? Surely there are opportunities to whore oneself in the nation media, and…she has the perfect experienced mentor.
When can we say Bristol Stomp?
Anyway, I can sense some iron-fisted justice-in-jackboots coming from Todd and Sarah. I don’t think Levi’s little plans have much hope. There is hope, though, that they’ll cross the line with their sabotage and get some ugly publicity.
[re=635415]Come here a minute[/re]: 115th Dream? Really should get extra credit for that reference.
I almost feel sorry for Lisa Murkowski and Mark Begich. Between the Palins and the Johnstons, will anyone from Alaska ever be taken seriously again?
Seriously, Jerry Springer has got to have his people working on getting these people on his Thanksgiving Special show.
[re=635586]Toomush Infermashun[/re]: No; whether something is a comic book or a graphic novel (or trade paperback) depends on the format. Basically, comic:graphic novel::short story:novel.
[re=635615]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: To be a good governor in Alaska, you have one simple thing to do: not quit.
[re=635439]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: [re=635498]Serolf Divad[/re]: Sorry, Pottery Barn rule.
Levi would never tame and make a pet out of a wild walrus. He would either kill it, or fuck it, maybe both.
[re=635524]rmjag[/re]: [re=635542]rmjag[/re]: I’m ready to make a contribution… I was going to make a deposit at the sperm bank, but I’m willing to give it to his campaign fund…ament. Or his purty mouth.
But seriously folks, as much as I don’t like SP, I am a sucker for dirty laundry, and I’m sure with all the trashy gossip we’ve already been treated to, this can only reach fathoms that almost justify the stupid writers’ strike that condemned us all to compulsive reality TV-watching for perpetuity. Also. (That sentence was long enough but had too much punctuation for the subject at hand.)
[re=635419]PrimlyStable[/re]: [re=635420]pub_option[/re]: Is this the same Tank Jones that got kicked off the Dallas Cowboys for being a gun-toting, mush-brained douchebag? Or was that Tank Johnson? I get my morons mixed up so easily these days.
Taming the wild walrus is the best euphemism ever for masturbating.
Has McCain declared him America’s foremost expert on drilling yet?
Levi Johnston is this years Mr Ron Obvious! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qvk2wNWmB20
[re=635808]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: levi will win by taming his walrus all over the people of wasilla .
I’m just happy to hear he’s on his way back to Wasilla; we’ve missed that kid!
This is just an awful misunderstanding:
After we successfully do the mayor
thing, we’re going to do the governorship. /fixedYou see, they’re just talking about their plans for Friday and Saturday night.
Didn’t he already “do the mayor”? Or was she already governor at that point?
Wouldn’t it be funny if the Wa-sillies voted for him, as a joke, and he won? Then Bristol would HAVE to marry him for her one last chance to ever be part of a political family again.
No need to call and ask anyone their opinion of this. This boy has polled most of Wasilla already.
As for the “Then I’m the new mayor. I will serve, the whole thing.” No matter what, he won’t leave this race. This undereducated, little skank-pronger has no idea when to pull out.
In 2028, America will have her promise renewed, her position as vanguard of the Free World restored, when the Presidential ticket of Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey & Levi “The Palin Penetrator” Johnston steamroll the two-party system & reach the White House.
Levi wants to be a president like clinton , for the blowjobs .
[re=635419]PrimlyStable[/re]: “With a name like Tank, Mr Jones could well be a long-lost member of the Palin brood.”
Unlikely.
[re=635420]pub_option[/re]: “Tank Jones could be a snowbilly of any shape or size, “Tank” Jones would have to be fat.”
Mr. Jones is of the size-54 dapper black bodyguard shape and size.
[re=635454]Prommie[/re]: Haha, you decided to become a drunkard like I decided to become a rice queen: I woke up in a puddle of Korean boys and went with it.
His platform: legalize it! Pot, Meth, whatever!
Sell Alaska to Japan!! They need a new colony.
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