Most Americans correctly believe that the Christ-child was born 400 years ago in a shitty barn behind Jethro’s Dogfight Shack in Arkansatucky, Missibama. Lo, betwixt her mighty labor pains, his unwed 14-year-old mother (who was just a little bit older than the average first-time mama in today’s South) said to her 20-year-old pervert fiance, “Um, it was God who done gave me the babytimes!” And her fiance, being stupid, said, “I believe you. I’ll be at the carport out back now, forever, listening to Papa Roach.” Then everyone said racist things and rewrote all the schoolbooks to reflect the fact that our nation’s greatest scholar-president was not in fact Thomas Jefferson, but Levi Johnston. And this is the story told in churches from sea to shining sea every Santa Day.
Unfortunately, the people of Europe do not share our enthusiasm for a highly edited, nonsensical, chewed up and re-re-re-re-re-re-written version of ancient Mesopotamian pagan myths. This of course is because Europeans will never respect a deity wholly conceived, birthed, and crucified in their Colonies. Cursed Jew finance guide The Economist has all the disgusting statistics on the sick godless fucks across the Pond-Ocean. Here are a few for you:
1. Over 60% of “people” in the Czech Republic say they only go to church “on special occasions.” This is possibly partly the fault of America, for we export our underappreciated black jazz musicians and our overprivileged white college juniors to that terrible land. Black people are inherently Satanic, as are white girls with dreadlocks who just want to play you Radiohead covers on this sweet ukulele they picked up in Cesky Krumlov.
2. Over 50% of “humans” in France say they’re Christmas-and-Easter church folks. They don’t even go to Mass on the Feast of Saint Jeanne d’Arc, a wondrous day when every parish finds a 20-year-old schizophrenic virgin and sets her on fire.
3. Over 40% of persons in Israel, which for some reason is considered European for the purposes of this study, say they only go to Jewish church on their special dreidel dreidel dreidel Chanumas day or the one where they don’t eat all day or the one where they build the house of sticks and leaves outside or whatever the fuck. But we must give the Israelis a pass on this one: firstly, because they do not know the Good Word of Habeas Corpus Christi; secondly, because they live in America’s 51st state; and thirdly, because the simple act of living in Israel is a holy and sacred choice, made all the holier and more sacred if you actually drive the tanks that tear down Palestinian grandmothers’ houses.
And that is all you need to know about the world beyond our Gulf Shores. Return to your stockpiles of ammo and your “Mission Accomplished” banners and the Norman Rockwell prints that comprise your holy spank bank, America. Jesus saves! [The Economist]
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Umm, Sara, I don’t think I’d be peeing on the religion itself as a Mesopotamian myth.
Besides, I hear that neo-Norse stuff is coming on strong there, with lots of new Nazis finding solace in the worship of (W)odin. How lovely for them! Herbert Marcuse is shaking his head.
I narrowly avoided a white girl with dreads as a new housemate a few months back. Shudder.
Considering that the Euopeans spent, I don’t know, over fifteen hundred years being SUPERCHRISTIAN, I think I’ll give them a pass if they start to let it slide.
Last year, on the show Top Gear, Jeremy said “we sent our bible thumpers to America and our criminals to Australia.”
I guess they were just sick of killing each other over a figment of their imagination.
It’s a house of *straw*, Sara. They build a house of *straw* so God can huff and puff and blow it all down. That way Jewish mothers can teach their little bubalahs that anything they do will eventually fail.
I’d love to read the rest of this, but I’m running late for my Aqua Buddha prayer hour.
I may sound a little irreligious here, but I actually like Sara’s Revised Bible Fantastical Mythological Jesusury story better than the “original.”
We’re just religious babies on this side of the pond. We need to have a real Spanish-style Inquisition before the word “secular” is not a slur.
lol @ papa roach
Cesky Krumlov is a beautiful little town; if you are in the Czech Republic I recommend you visit it. (I believe it is a UN World Heritage site)
Maybe spending hundreds of years of devastation from going to war over and over again based on tiny little differences in their interpretations of the myth formed from the gestalt of the various would-be messiah of a Roman client kingdom with bits of multiple Egyptian and Greco-Roman gods eventually turned the Europeans against religion just a bit.
Sadly, this probably also resulted from most of the real hardcore fundamentalist nutcases going over here after annoying everyone over there. And we’re still stuck with them.
[re=635466]Potater[/re]: Shit, I mean G-d. Yegk, Rabbi Goldstein will not be happy with this tater.
Don’t worry The Economist! For every Czech Rep. (Prague and its hinterland) and France, there is a Poland, a Portugal, a Southern Italy and an Ireland, all under the hobnailed boot / beady eyes of Ratzinger and his albino shock troops.
Privately and just between us wonketteers, but I would really love to fuck a white girl with dreadlocks and hairy armpits and healthy biceps (from rippin’ the bong).
Be that as it may Ms Benincasa neglected to include the most important ritual of American monotheism which is analogous to leaving the X out of X-mas, and this outrage shall not stand. I offer you this important video to refudiate this rectumification:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6X6OJYbC1A
[re=635478]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: “a white girl with dreadlocks and hairy armpits and healthy biceps”
Lindsey Graham?
Needs more Girgashites, Zemarites, and Hermaphrodites.
We invented illiterate fundamamentalism here, back in illiterate frontier times.
But the true national religion is gun-worship, and the national church is the NRA.
Note to Family Research Council. Europeans don’t go to church cause their government forced it on them for decades — in Catholic, Lutheran and Anglican forms. In Spain, you would likely end up in jail for not being Catholic for centuries. Today churchs are pretty much deserted and they happly vote for things like gay marriage and the like.
So Texas will likely become our next beach head of securalism in the next century or so if the GOP keeps it up.
Missibamanian grammar correction: That should read “Um, it was God what done gave me the babytimes!”
[re=635477]Norbert[/re]: This list doesn’t include Ireland (or else I’ve gone selectively blind), but church attendance may have dropped dramatically over the past few years as they’ve had the most known cases of priest child-rape.
Interesting that they put Turkey in Europe, like Israel. The Turks should like that.
[re=635484]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Note to Manos: Hands of Fate: in several european countries, their until-recently communist governments forced the people not to go to church, which is a factor that should perhaps be recognized as well.
[re=635477]Norbert[/re]: Not so fast bunching Ireland in with those other huddled genuflecting medieval fiefdoms of Jesus. The Paddies have the Vatican worried:
“Vatican investigators to Ireland appointed by Pope Benedict XVI are to clamp down on liberal secular opinion in an intensive drive to re-impose traditional respect for clergy, according to informed sources in the Catholic Church.
The nine-member team led by two cardinals will be instructed by the Vatican to restore a traditional sense of reverence among ordinary Catholics for their priests, the Irish Independent has learned.”
But here’s the fun bit (emphasis mine):
“A major thrust of the Vatican investigation will be to counteract materialistic and secularist attitudes, which Pope Benedict believes have led many Irish Catholics to ignore church disciplines and become lax in following devotional practices such as going on pilgrimages and doing penance.”
Hahahhhahhaa – considering it was a load of clerical thrusting that got the RCC into trouble to start with, I’m not sure that this was the best choice of words, but then, who listens to the fuckers anyway?
I continue to not get the Justin Bieber thing. I continue to get older. I think there may be a connection.
“White girls with dreadlocks.” It just says so much, doesn’t it? A+ for such vivid imagery.
Burning schizo virgins and Palestinian grandmas run over by tanks? Maybe you should post this on Redstate for the AM wank-off.
I know the Czech females are more religious. I keep hearing them scream “Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!” over and over again in the porn they star in.
We should really go back to holding Catholic mass in Latin, as Jebus wanted.
Let’s face it – the Mormons had the right idea – pull a Mohammed out of the forests by inventing a “local” reincarnation of the Mystery Religions…I’m pretty sure AquaBhudda is going to be the next American Deity – splash some on your face today!!!…
Only a small portion of our great country’s early European couch crashers were actual Bible thumpers. That’s just something they tell you in elementary school. The greater portion were hucksters, get rich quick psychos, nut job adventurers, all probably unemployable.
Unfortunately, the people of Europe do not share our enthusiasm for a highly edited, nonsensical, chewed up and re-re-re-re-re-re-written version of ancient Mesopotamian pagan myths.
Best sentence EVAR!
I guess Europe just got sick of fighting wars over whatever-the-Christ differences they’ve found within the literally true Bible. Wusses. My guess is we in America are totally up for a holy war with Islam, Mexicans, non-heterosexuals, Chinese moneylenders. After that era of peace will descend upon the survivors. Woo hoo!
But on the bright side, only 45% of American believe in the Satanic Lie that is Darwminian Evolution.
This is because all those Europeans have secular constitutions written by athiest socialists with badly laundered clothes and stank of cigarettes, whereas our Constitution was divinely inspired by the Founding Fathers who loved the Bible and all things Jesusy. At least in some people’s minds.
You’re not suggesting Crystal Bowersox is a satanist? Not after Miley Cyrus signed her ukelele?
My favorite new American religion is the one in which you are allowed to mock those who deny evolution up to 30,000 years ago, when men first migrated out of Western Africa. At this point, this new American religion teaches that Al Gore’s ancestor came down from the mountain and said something like:
“Yee thee hereby behold that evolution is now yee barren. Now spread yeeselves across the face of the earth, and always be yee warned, that yee may only evolve aspects of the physical in yee’s different environments, and thou tribes shalt never, ever be allowed to develop differences in intellect, as how else would teachers unions continue to make money under the blanket of Harvard scholars claiming to finally close the Achievement Gap. Behold thyn symbol: The Windmill.”
This is a pretty weird religion.
[re=635478]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: As the voice of experience in this particular matter, I feel the need to urge you to leave The Crazy alone and to back away slowly.
So much Crazy…
Hawt!
Funny that Greece, the EU’s current basket case, is the second most religious country in the survey. And of course the reason for the mess they find themselves in is — godless socialism. That’s the real benefit of an irrational worldview — it lets you blame anything on the stuff you don’t like, and give credit to the stuff you do like, regardless of any cause-and-effect relationship. Even better, crazy spreads much easier than rationality. Remember Iraq? Used to be one of the most secular nations in the Middle East. Fixed.
[re=635519]BoB[/re]: Do you also believe that special relativity, thas the e=mc² thingie, is a librual conspiracy?
[re=635519]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: If your point is, “white people are the smartest people on earth,” cut the bullshit, say it outright, and deal with the consequences.
[re=635457]Geogre[/re]: If by coming on strong you mean about 15000 in the entire world you might be right. Linking Asatru (modern Norse paganism) to racism is an American thing (go figure) and even there it’s a small minority of assholes.
[re=635548]Chet Kincaid[/re]: What nonsense, everyone knows asians are the smartest people, not “whites.”
Asians score higher than non-Jewish whites on standardized tests Chet. Regarding weejee’s Physics, while E=mc^2 can be observed, I personally don’t buy into the whole Einstein gravity can bend light theory. This is because religion is Belief in the absence of perception, and there is no credible way to perceive gravity bending light.
[re=635526]Guppy06[/re]: Crazy action is still action bro. I’ve been married to a very responsible woman who feeds her body issues & daddy issues daily. Asleep by 9:30pm. &c.
[re=635519]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: You know, I could write out a thoughtfulicious refudiation of your imaginatival point, but it’s early and I’m tired and hungry, so fuck it, have this instead:
Cool racism, bro.
I saw the face of God in my oatmeal this morning. He was tasty.
[re=635566]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: “there is no credible way to perceive gravity bending light.”
Orly?
[re=635566]BoB[/re]: Light bending is the general relativity thingie, not the special relativity thingie. For realz they are two different theories. That aside, the gravitational light bending is one part of relativity that has been shown to be correct again, and again ad nauseium. This includes gravitational lensing, time dilation (bouncing radar off Mercury & Venus just before they are eclipsed by the Sun), gravitational redshift, and lots of others. Sorry, BoB, when a large gravitational force tell light to “get bent,” bend it does.
[re=635566]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Yes, because standaridzed test scores are a way to measure innate intelligence, since they’re in no way influenced by socioeconomic and cultural factors, like say evil little bigoted morons named Bill treating someone as stupid just because of they like.
And uh, gravity bending light has been perceived many, many times, starting with the 1919 eclipse observations that helped confirm relativity.
[re=635566]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Science isn’t your strong suit, I can tell you that. Keep trying, little fella! (Pats BOB on the head.)
Sara, Sacré bleu, how can you write that stuff? I have it on good authority (Sarah Palin) that the earth is between 5,000 and 6,000 years old. That in the garden of Eden, no one wore clothes and no one needed boob jobs or penile implants. That we are where we are today because of the sin of one woman in that secret garden.
So please get your story straight. Virgin things happened later on because of that snake and that woman.
We understand the relation between mass and energy as tools can help us perceive that when a gamma passes the 1.02 million electron-volt threshold, that it creates mass, specifically an electron and a positron, at a mass of 0.0006 atomic mass units each.
E=mc^2
Gravity may bend light, but this we cannot know, because we cannot see, feel, hear, taste, or smell the deflection. Therefore, the contemplative mind remains skeptical.
Sara, I saw what you did there, lifting stuff from John Hodgman’s Twitter.
[re=635589]JMP[/re]: Not to mention that if one wanted to seriously argue that various ethnic groups have diverged in terms of intellect, you’d need to provide a credible reason that intellect was a more valuable survival trait in, say, Asia than elsewhere.
And no, the tendency for Asians to choose spellcaster hero classes at character creation isn’t an acceptable reason.
[re=635604]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Um, look up. We have in fact SEEN it happen, nearly a hundred years ago.
[re=635604]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Here’s a picture for you:
http://hubblesite.org/hubble_discoveries/10th/photos/slide36.shtml
Make sure to look at the big version. There, now you’ve seen gravity bend light!
[re=635604]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Your God-Creature may exist, but this we cannot know, because we cannot see, feel, hear, taste, or smell the deflection. Therefore, the contemplative mind remains skeptical.
/FIXED
PS Sara-Awesome rant
Is Bill’s head as thick as a Brick Oven? Or did he choose that moniker because he wants to get a job at Pizza Hut? Too bad that they require that you at least graduate from middle school before they’ll hire you, Bill.
[re=635604]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: In Yog-Sothoth’s unholy name…physics-trolling on a political poop blog? WhiskyTangoFoxtrot?
(+1 for out-of-left-field rant against teacher’s unions, -1 for inane pseudophysical gibberish. You get a B.)
[re=635604]BoB[/re]: we cannot see, feel, hear, taste, or smell the deflection. Therefore, the contemplative mind remains skeptical.
I too can’t hear, taste, or smell light, but I can “see” a gravitational redshift and “see” the difference in the relative location of stars visible at the edge of the sun during an eclipse vs. their position when not (see [re=635578]Guppy06[/re], above for work done in 1919). More recent work with lasers and Cassini orbiting Saturn have produced measured results that confirm predicted light bending results accurate to 1 part in 50,000.
[re=635618]JMP[/re]: Hubble Telescope shots of the deep sky? Pfft, as if that proves anything. Obviously some libtard kid in his basement was generating backgrounds for a new MMORG. QED
Oh, and America never landed on the moon either.
Jesus fucking christ, I try to make fun of the idiot, and all I did was predict his next remark. BOB, you familiar with self-parody? When someone mocks you by putting idiotic words in your mouth, and then you sincerely say the same thing, thats, um, thats pretty fucking good, that right there.
…Israel, which for some reason is considered European for the purposes of this study…
The Israelis are clearly European. After all, they compete in the Eurovision Song Contest: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fv83u7-mNWQ
For all we can perceive, the picture linked to above is a picture of your pap smear Prommie.
Wait…I have it! It will revolutionize religion! Edible Bibles!
Israel is European, because they’re part of UEFA. And FIFA controls everything, except the USA, which God controls. And that’s cool, because that means all the cool cars are going to be left unmanned here during the Rapture, and the Europeans are only going to have some cheap-ass Opel minivans to choose from. So we win, either way.
[re=635731]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Awesome comeback! Did that come from your very own contemplative mind?
Do you want to get intimate with dreadlock’d white girls? Come to Portland Oregon, home to Intel.com and more strippers than you can shake your stick at.
[re=635731]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Denial! It’s not just a river in Egypt!
[re=635519]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: I have yet to decipher what the fuck that gibberish is all about. As to your later comment about differences in test scores between demographic groups my theory is that it has a lot more to do with nurture then nature. Asians do well on tests because they come from countries that encourage strict parenting and making kids do their homework. African Americans don’t do as well on tests because the legacy of segregation and racism in this country leads to higher rates of poverty in minority communities. If your parents had to work two jobs or you went to an underfunded inner city school you might… wait, wait bad example. You’re a moron.
You have to admire the courage of Scientologists in attacking the reasons why there are no miracles anymore–psychiatry and psychotropic medications.
And how about that Lost Tribe of Mormon fame that sailed in reed boats (Thanks Thor H., for the idea) to Central America just so they can build some cool tourist attractions.
[re=635463]FUNdamental[/re]: Been saying for years that the Puritans left England and came to America. That’s why Brit newspapers show titties and ours can’t.
[re=635512]Serolf Divad[/re]: I don’t BELIEVE in Darwinian Evolution, either. It’s not a question of belief, it’s a scientific fact. I do wish the question wasn’t always worded with a religious word like “believe” in it. Might get better responses.
I am sure it has happened before, but I’m better than all of them combined:
WOULD YOU MARY ME AND MAKE LITTLE HEATHEN BABIES TOGETHER!
[re=635782]AutomaticPilot[/re]: Trying to sound smart didn’t work out so well, so he had to go to what he knows. Jr. high taunts. As I like to say to fundies, don’t get into a pissing contest with someone with a wide urethra.
Since when does General Relativity get more play than Palestinian grandmothers??
“…an elf with an over-active thyroid!”
[re=635491]Darkness[/re]: Meditate on this whilst in consultation with the AquaBuddha…
[re=635874]steverino247[/re]: Don’t forget the pre-Mormons that came over 600 years earlier in submarines.
the simple act of living in Israel is a holy and sacred choice, made all the holier and more sacred if you actually drive the tanks that tear down Palestinian grandmothers’ houses.
Wow. If THAT doesn’t get some wingnutter spinning shitties on Wonkette’s lawn at 3 AM, at least nobody can say you aren’t trying.
Well done girlfriend.
}} (<- you ‘n me, spooning)
[re=635604]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: That’s some serious pseudoscientifc bullshit, right there. Yep, if I were you, I’d be hatin’ on the teachers’ union, too…
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