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Cool Young Rand Paul Was Secret-Society Prankster In College

These five people and two glasses of Pepsi are a SECRET SOCIETY.Anti-statist Senate candidatista Rand Paul didn’t actually finish college because he did well on his MCAT and got into Duke Medical School, which is actually sort of “bad-ass.” Now, according to Gentlemen’s Quarterly, it turns out “Randy” Paul was part of a SECRET SOCIETY at Baylor made mostly of LIBRULS who smoked POT and did PRANKS and put out a SATIRICAL NEWSPAPER criticizing the university administration. Nowadays, that sort of thing would segue you into a high-paying management-professional job at your Wonkette, but back then it turned you into an ophthalmologist. Interesting.

And so the NoZe Brothers would perform “Christian” songs like “Rock Around the Cross”; they’d parade around campus carrying a giant picture of Anita Bryant with a large hole cut out of her mouth after the former beauty queen proclaimed oral sex sinful; and they’d run ads for a Waco strip club on the back page of The Rope. In 1978, the Baylor administration became so fed up with the NoZe that it suspended the group from campus for being, in the words of Baylor’s president at the time, “lewd, crude, and grossly sacrilegious.” During Paul’s three years at Baylor, according to former NoZe Brothers, if the administration discovered a student was a member of the NoZe, the punishment was automatic expulsion.

But Rand Paul was not expelled, probably. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THAT COOL GUY RANDY PAUL? WHAT DID THE ANTI-SOCIALISTS DO TO HIM?

The strangest episode of Paul’s time at Baylor occurred one afternoon in 1983 (although memories about all of these events are understandably a bit hazy, so the date might be slightly off), when he and a NoZe brother paid a visit to a female student who was one of Paul’s teammates on the Baylor swim team. According to this woman, who requested anonymity because of her current job as a clinical psychologist, “He and Randy came to my house, they knocked on my door, and then they blindfolded me, tied me up, and put me in their car. They took me to their apartment and tried to force me to take bong hits. They’d been smoking pot.” After the woman refused to smoke with them, Paul and his friend put her back in their car and drove to the countryside outside of Waco, where they stopped near a creek. “They told me their god was ‘Aqua Buddha’ and that I needed to bow down and worship him,” the woman recalls. “They blindfolded me and made me bow down to ‘Aqua Buddha’ in the creek. I had to say, ‘I worship you Aqua Buddha, I worship you.’ At Baylor, there were people actively going around trying to save you and we had to go to chapel, so worshiping idols was a big no-no.”

Hmm. This woman says “they never did anything wrong,” but this does sound rather illegal. More importantly, though, will Rand Paul become the Senate’s first practicing Aqua Buddhist? [GQ]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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58 comments

  1. norbizness

    If anyone wonders what a National Lampoon would look like if staffed by people who wanted to go to a no-dancing Baptist hellhole in the Vagrancy Capital of Texas in the first place, this expose is indispensable.

  2. BlueStateLiberal

    Let the free market decide who can kidnap who, and who can’t, I’m tired of you libruls.

  3. weejee

    A total GeeQue moment! Shows the Randster to be the totally swave and deeboner piece of work he that is today.

  4. JMP

    Kidnapping and implied threats of sexual assault? Now that sounds like a Republican, unlike the prankster parts.

  5. Clancy_Pants

    Greg Marmalard: But NoZe’s already on probation.
    Dean Vernon Wormer: They are? Well, as of this moment, they’re on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!

  6. Edsdesk

    If elected, he will send teams of oddly joined young lads on bicycles to knock on your door at suppertime to ask “Have you met Aqua Bhudda?” !!

  7. Baldar T Flagass

    First quoted paragraph: sounds pretty cool.
    Second quoted paragraph: sounds pretty dickish.

    Re the picture at top: Looks like the mother of the Paul brood was good enough to get the kids a Pepsi. Mike Muir would be so jealous.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    That was the strangest episode of his college career? Lightweight. If he never went camping on acid, he doesn’t deserve to say he went to college.

  9. stew

    Baptist womenfolk are supposed to obey men, so let’s look at the kidnapping/paganism in that light.

  10. Hooray For Anything

    [re=634963]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Yeah. Nowhere in the Constitution does it prohibit the kidnapping and forced pot smoking out of a bong. That’s why we people who are fightin’ for Americans to be able to have a Constitution protected so that we can have the ability to do all that.

  11. Monsieur Grumpe

    “lewd, crude, and grossly sacrilegious.”
    Somethings never change.

    [re=634966]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]:
    Eyeing lttle girls with bad intent.

  12. oh hi mark

    In honor of NoZe, I will march with a picture of Rand Paul with a hole cut out of his head.

  13. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    They have a co-ed swim team at Baylor? Surely that is violating one of God’s commandments right there. I’m not sure about Aqua-Buddha…, but I’m not sure he would be down with a bunch of dope smoking heathens forcing some young lady to “bow down” to anyone.

    Still, without at least the implied attempt to have sex with someone that is underage, and ideally of the same gender, I do not see how any of this will help gain Republican votes.

  14. Terry

    “This woman says “they never did anything wrong,” but this does sound rather illegal.”

    Yeah. Kidnapping for a start.

  15. Extemporanus

    I believe it was Aqua Buddha who once said: “One cannot be kidnapped and forced to get high and worship me in the same creek twice.”

  16. Major Variola (ret)

    I’m sorry but he just keeps getting credibility with me.

    If you’re going to be in Texas, this seems the right antidote.

    —-
    How’s that newfangled tanned Bush workin’ out?

  17. Katydid

    She requested anonymity because of her current job as a clinical psychologist? I think the words in that sentence are slightly out of order, and there are some missing words. I think it should be: She became a clinical psychologist because of that episode.

  18. Oblios Cap

    Aqua Buddha, Aqua Velvet, Blue Velvet…

    Wait a minute – was Rand Paul carrying a briefcase when all this happened?

  19. McDuff

    Knew a couple of dudes in college who fake-kidnapped another buddy at a shopping mall and nearly ended up in jail. Some lady saw them, get their plate number, and called the cops. Cops traced the car, came to campus and found the ‘nappers, but couldn’t find the “victim” for a couple of hours since he went to the library to study in some remote corner. Turns out faking a crime is itself a crime, at least in Illinois.

  20. DoktorZoom

    Great comments at the GQ site… one commenter is certain that the blogger is a shill for International Jewry, and another is convinced that only Ron & Rand Paul can save us from “the transhumanist psychopaths” in charge. I’ll assume that means lizard people?

  21. RPPTT

    [re=634996]Terry[/re]:

    You must have never attended college. People are “abducted” regularly, however, but if they really do not want to go they’re not forced. It’s part of a game.

    If you truly believe it to be “kidnapping”, than by God there are a lot of people in college now and in the past that need to be behind bars for decades (the penalty for actual kidnapping is rather steep.)

  22. Hooray For Anything

    The bad news for Rand is that this doesn’t look good and will probably turn of a few Jeebus lovers. On the other hand, I’m sure Rand can make inroads now with the very important Aqua Buddhists vote.

  23. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=635015]Oblios Cap[/re]: The Buddha takes many forms…but asshole isn’t one of them.

  24. Extemporanus

    [re=634984]Hooray For Anything[/re]: [re=634996]Terry[/re]: Couldn’t Rand Paul be charged with “Aqua Teen Hunger Force”?

    The victim’s munchies-related injuries were apparently quite soggy.

  25. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=635024]Terry[/re]: In Central Texas, we had a saying, “Waco sucks, but Killeen blows.”

  26. Thomas Allen

    Most importantly, we will not allow Rand Paul to build an Aqua Buddha Community Outreach Center a few blocks from Ground Zero. Never Forget!!!1!111!

  27. An Outhouse

    At no point in her story was a blind fold required. She knew where she was the whole time. Its like they were just into gratuitous blind fold applying and had to think of weird things to do that would justify using the blindfold.

  28. Maus

    I wonder how Alex “BOHEMIAN GROVE LICKS THE DEVIL’S HINDQUARTERS” Jones is going to rationalize this with his sloppy manlove of all things Paul.

  29. Maus

    [re=635084]Guppy06[/re]: “Would Skull and Bones references here be past their prime?”

    As new as a frosh’s freshly paddled bum.

  30. snideinplainsight

    I guess the thing I’m not getting here is how anybody in Pennsyltucky still wants to vote for him. Seriously, this is the best candidate they can find in the whole state? This is their best option?

  31. Hooray For Anything

    Since she is apparently okay with this, I’m wondering that when she says “kidnapped and forced into taking bong hits” what she really meant is that Rand had some stuff from Humboldt and as he owned a 3 foot bong he named Aqua Buddha, she decided to join in. But as none of her friends knew that she secretly dropped acid at Dead Shows when touring with them, she made up the “kidnap” bit because that would explain her run to 7/11 at 3 in the morning to buy Ho-Ho’s.

  32. sanantonerose

    NoZe was (is?) an overrated group of smart ass losers who managed to produce a coupla funny editions of The Rope during my incarceration at Thee University. Elm Mott. Pink paint. Groucho glasses. Oyez.

  33. Jukesgrrl

    So, in other words, he was just a normal, sex-obsessed, dopehead goober until he was seduced by the exotic genius of Ayn Rand? And to this day, he’s still doing her bidding? Even though she’s dead??

    Way too many bong hits. Maybe Brian-Wison-too many.

  34. Maus

    [re=635241]Jukesgrrl[/re]: They do call Randians a “personality cult”, after all. It only strengthens their faith when dear leaders dies (see Scientology.)

  35. Maus

    ” “They told me their god was ‘Aqua Buddha’ and that I needed to bow down and worship him,” the woman recalls. “They blindfolded me and made me bow down to ‘Aqua Buddha’ in the creek. I had to say, ‘I worship you Aqua Buddha, I worship you.’ ”

    I do enjoy how Paul comes off like a puka shell-wearing stoner rather than a “captain of industry”. I long for the days of the Masons.

  36. Terry

    [re=635032]RPPTT[/re]:

    Yes, I did attend college. The only think I ever helped to kidnap was a 3 ft tall chocolate rabbit. No matter how drunk we were, we never kidnapped a person. Maybe it’s a frat boy thing.

  37. Egregious

    The fact that Rand Paul was a Noze Brother is actually the first positive thing I’ve heard about him. If you’ve ever visited Baylor U (aka Theocracy U), you’d understand.

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